Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

Here are my resolutions for 2010:

I will do my Christmas shopping early next year. In fact, I think I'll pick up some 2010 calendars this weekend, save them and hand them out as Christmas gifts to everyone I know next December.

I will no longer get into fist fights over which Jonas Brother is cuter.

I will stop spending so much time on Twitter. Doing that is making me neglect Facebook.

This time next year, I will make fewer resolutions.

I will never again complain if a movie has "The Squeakquel" in its title. I've been obsessing on that too much and will let it go from now on. By all means, go ahead and title your movie Sense and Sensibility: The Squeakquel. You won't hear a word from me.

I will stop judging actresses by their breast size and will, instead, rank them according how doable they are overall.

I will stop bragging that I know Ashton Kutcher based solely on the fact I once saw him in an airport and it may not have even been him anyway.

No matter how good I look in it, I will never again wear my T-shirt that has the logo "MILF and Proud Of It" written on it.

I will stop demanding that my Roomba be able to recite the Three Laws of Robotics.

I will cease bragging about the fact that I was once called upon to impregnate a member of the Lithuanian Royal Family.

I will be nice to everyone regardless of whether they have ever paid me for sex.

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