Friday, April 16, 2010

Kick and Kickability

Today is Kick-Ass day. Kick-Ass is one of those movies with cool word-of-mouth and good buzz that makes it one of those must-see movies, not unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, a "must-see" movie that hardly anyone saw. I believe that our "must-see" movies must be seen. If not, what will marketing people whose job it is to take movies like Kick-Ass and turn them into something so hip and trendy that you feel stupid if you don't line up on opening night wearing tights and constantly yelling, "KICK ASS! WOOOOOO!!!" To do my part in making this happen, I have decided to answer some of the questions I've heard about the movie in order to quell the doubts and fears they may be feeling.
  • Is ass actually kicked? -- While there is a great deal of violence that includes people being his with clubs and shot in the face, there is actually very little in the movie that could be described as a foot in a kicking motion making contact with an ass. The title is a general colloquialism for harsh violence but they still should have anticipated the potential for confusion. I'm sure they'll know better next time.
  • Roger Ebert gave the movie one star, mainly due to the fact that one of the characters is an 11 year old girl who engages in several violent situations. Does he have a point? -- Absolutely not. Roger Ebert is a well known liberal commie fascist who takes drugs and worships the devil. He trashed Kick-Ass not because he thought it was bad but rather because he thinks, if the general public stays away from Kick-Ass, they will have more time to artificially inseminate lesbians who will then have abortions. Luckily, you all have me to point this out and you can summarily dismiss Ebert's review without actually reading it.
  • Does the movie star anyone famous? -- No, it...
  • Hey wait, doesn't Nicolas Cage play Hit-Girl's father? -- I WAS GETTING TO THAT! Geez, let a guy finish next time.
  • Sorry. -- That's okay. Anyway. Nicolas Cage has a supporting role so, technically, he is not the movie's star which is how I interpreted your question.
  • Why do I even need to see this in a theater? Can't I just torrent my own copy for free? -- Dude, I know that sounds good but, like, I totally heard of this guy who did that and his pubes fell out. I mean, they just fell out. Better not to chance that. Pay to watch it in the theater.
  • My girlfriend wants to go see that Miley Cyrus movie this weekend. What should I do? -- I can't speak for everyone but I would totally dump her skank ass. You know why she wants to go see that? She's going to wait for you to get bored and doze off then charge every guy in the theater 10 bucks for a blowjob. You may know that as, "That thing she doesn't do for you." Go see Kick-Ass instead. I guarantee the girls who go see that will fight over who gets to blow you first. Trust me.
  • Is Kick-Ass faithful to the Jane Austen novel it was based on? -- The settings and dialogue have been modernized but, other than that, this is a fairly faithful adaptation of the Jane Austen novel of the same name. Described as, "Jane Austen's most awesome book ever," by people as diverse as Harry Knowles and Winston Churchill, the book was generally unknown until recently. This is mainly due to people thinking it was yet another story of some girl who whines endlessly about how she can't get a guy to marry her and not the action-adventure story of masked vigilantes it actually was. This is probably the most faithful cinematic rendition of Jane Austen since the 1991 when Emma was adapted by James Cameron as Terminator 2.

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