Ok, they did it. I didn't think it was possible but the makers of Quantum Of Solace have actually managed to raise my expectations. I'm actually thinking that this will be a good movie and not in the "Ooh, pretty explosions" kind of good but good in the "Hell yeah, that raw tuna eating bastard Kurosawa only WISHED he had made something this good" kind of way. This annoys me for two reasons. The first is that, for several weeks, I've been planning to call my review of the movie "Quantum Of Sol-Ass" in anticipation of it sucking. I don't know what the hell I'll call it now.
The second reason is that, since I now think it will be good, I'll be even more pissed if it turns out to be bad. Before, my attitude would have been, "Well, there's two hours of my life I'll never get back." Now, only the physical pain from an actual kick to the gonads will be able to alleviate the existential pain I'll experience from the metaphorical kick to the gonads I will receive if Quantum Of Solace turns out to suck.
It's getting decent reviews but but some critics are underwhelmed. Internet comments from people who have already seen it are no help. For every "OMFG THIS IS MOST AWESOMEST MOVEE EVER" you get a "this is the gayest, most retarded thing i have ever seen" and you can't even read those without plowing through all the guys who feel they have to share "Man, Olga Kurylenko is awesome, I want to cum on her tits" with the world.
Maybe I'll just skip it and never risk having my expectations dashed. It's like how I've never read Isaac Asimov's Forward The Foundation even though it's been sitting on my bookshelf for 15 years. I would just hate if what was not only Asimov's last Foundation story but also his last novel ever turned out to be a total steaming pile of crap. But no, I'll go see it and, if it does turn out to be bad, I'll try to post a review before the last drop of blood flows out from my slashed wrists.
The things I do for you people.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Trying To See If I Am, In Fact, God
I am ordering all my readers to go see the new Bond film Quantum Of Solace this weekend.
Remember I said this. If it's a huge hit, I get all the credit. I will also be telling people it was my idea to call it Quantum Of Solace in the first place. As long as nobody calls me on that, I'll look like a pretty cool guy.
Remember I said this. If it's a huge hit, I get all the credit. I will also be telling people it was my idea to call it Quantum Of Solace in the first place. As long as nobody calls me on that, I'll look like a pretty cool guy.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I'm Rich, Bitch
I think it was 2002 when 10 women in France stopped riding the bus and started carpooling with each other instead. This resulted in a French bus company suing them for illegal competition. I'm guessing that when Turkish Mayor Huseyin Kalkan heard what some consider to be the stupidest lawsuit ever brought on the planet, he said, "I can top that."
Huseyin Kalkan is the mayor of a city in Turkey called Batman. Yes, Batman is the name of the town. Mayor Kalkan seems to be pretty proud of his little town and whatever the hell it is they do there. So proud, in fact, the he feels no one and nothing else on the planet should be called Batman. This has caused Mayor Kalkan to announce his intent to sue Warner Brothers and director Christopher Nolan for a share of the profits from The Dark Knight. I share his frustration on this subject. I remember how annoyed I was last summer when I entered the theater expecting to see a movie about some Turkish goatherds and instead had to endure two hours of watching a psychopathic clown and a dude in a rubber suit beat up on each other. Having said that, I'm not sure whether Kalkan is stupid, ignorant or some combination of both. This could be a foolish, pointless quest to gain millions of lira or if it's just some little stunt he's pulling and would be willing to settle for a loaf of simmit bread and a case of raki. All I know is that I'm behind Mayor Kalkan 150%.
Why, you ask? Simple. If he winds up with big bucks out of this, it opens the door for me. I can sue for that John Travolta angel flick Michael and the adaptation of Tom Clancy's book Clear and Present Danger. I'll have so much money that I can stop going to the cheap whores and start using those Elliot Spitzer girls and if I get an STD, I'll just hire someone to get sick for me. Oh yeah, that's possible.
So, if anyone out there knows Hueyin Kalkan, please tell him that Michael Clear says, "Le apoyo, hermano," and yes, I know that's Spanish but I don't know how to say, "I support you, brother," in Turkish. Some people in Turkey must speak Spanish and he can ask one of them what it means. Just do it.
Huseyin Kalkan is the mayor of a city in Turkey called Batman. Yes, Batman is the name of the town. Mayor Kalkan seems to be pretty proud of his little town and whatever the hell it is they do there. So proud, in fact, the he feels no one and nothing else on the planet should be called Batman. This has caused Mayor Kalkan to announce his intent to sue Warner Brothers and director Christopher Nolan for a share of the profits from The Dark Knight. I share his frustration on this subject. I remember how annoyed I was last summer when I entered the theater expecting to see a movie about some Turkish goatherds and instead had to endure two hours of watching a psychopathic clown and a dude in a rubber suit beat up on each other. Having said that, I'm not sure whether Kalkan is stupid, ignorant or some combination of both. This could be a foolish, pointless quest to gain millions of lira or if it's just some little stunt he's pulling and would be willing to settle for a loaf of simmit bread and a case of raki. All I know is that I'm behind Mayor Kalkan 150%.
Why, you ask? Simple. If he winds up with big bucks out of this, it opens the door for me. I can sue for that John Travolta angel flick Michael and the adaptation of Tom Clancy's book Clear and Present Danger. I'll have so much money that I can stop going to the cheap whores and start using those Elliot Spitzer girls and if I get an STD, I'll just hire someone to get sick for me. Oh yeah, that's possible.
So, if anyone out there knows Hueyin Kalkan, please tell him that Michael Clear says, "Le apoyo, hermano," and yes, I know that's Spanish but I don't know how to say, "I support you, brother," in Turkish. Some people in Turkey must speak Spanish and he can ask one of them what it means. Just do it.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Right Wing Movie Reviews -- Role Models
Regular readers know that from time to time I am contacted by a conservative from the right wing website TwilightOfTheDemocrats.com who blogs under the name Gotterdamerung. He hasn't been commenting on movies lately since he was blogging furiously on behalf of John McCain and Sarah Palin. A couple of his posts even gained a bit of fame, especially one where he theorizes that the father of Barack Obama's daughters was actually William Ayers. Anyway, he wanted to respond to yesterday's review of Role Models but I do have to warn you that his review, to put it politely, goes off the rails.
Hi all, Gotterdamerung here. Role Models will go down in history as the movie that sparked the beginning of the end of the failed Obama Presidency. It's about two friends named Danny and Wheeler. Life isn't working out for Danny and he doesn't really know why. He does everything he's supposed to do and yet things don't work out the way they're supposed to. In this way, Danny is a lot like the Republican Party. You think there's no hope for Danny or for the Republicans but it turns out that the key to turning things around is right in front of both of them. For Danny, it's his friend Wheeler. For the Republicans, it's Sarah Palin. Wheeler is a lot like Sarah Palin. Neither one seems to be too bright when you first meet them but those appearances are deceiving. They're not stupid. Their heads are simply uncluttered by useless information. They know what they need to know. Sarah Palin may not know what a continent is but she knows which parts of the Alaskan Pipeline need to be fixed, she knows which library books are most offensive and need to be banned and she know how much a pepperoni pizza at the Juneau Pizza Hut costs. Dwelling on any other subject would be a waste of her time. Wheeler is the same way. He may not know about balancing his checkbook or how to clean himself properly but he does know how to get hot girls to sleep with him and how to do his job, that being wearing a minotaur costume. He and Sarah aren't a couple of elitist prigs who have to go around intellectualizing everything and...
Oh screw this. Why bother? I'M SORRY SARAH. I'M SO SO SORRY. I tried my best, I really did. I did everything I could think of but nothing worked. I called Obama a Muslim, an atheist, too smart, too dumb, and a terrorist and he still managed to get 365 electoral votes. I said that he was having an affair with Rashid Khalidi and that William Ayers had been the actual father of his children. I claimed to have a tape of Michelle Obama saying that, as reparations for slavery, black people should be allowed to eat the livers of white babies. I called Obama a Nazi, a Socialist, a Mormon, a Scientologist, and a Druid. I said he would pass a law that nullified all marriages and then force us all to gay marry illegal immigrants. I said that he wasn't born in this country and had, in fact, been born on a secret space station financed by the oil money of Muslim Jihadists which meant he wasn't even a citizen of this planet. I tried really pushing down on the mouse when I clicked on the "Publish Post" button. Yet, none of it worked. It was almost as if my attacks became less effective when they got crazier but that can't be it. Hell, I was one of the people in 2004 who claimed that John Kerry never served in Vietnam and I wasn't even alive during the Vietnam War yet no one ever called me on it. No, what happened is obvious. ACORN, under the direction of their board members Keith Olbermann, George Soros, William Ayers and the liberal media, managed to steal the election and they did it so well that the only person who can see that is me.
We'll try again, Sarah, and not in 2012. I'm working now to try and get a Constitutional Amendment passed that would force Obama to have to run again in 2010. Stay strong Sarah and know that Role Models is a big hit because the country secretly supports you.
Hi all, Gotterdamerung here. Role Models will go down in history as the movie that sparked the beginning of the end of the failed Obama Presidency. It's about two friends named Danny and Wheeler. Life isn't working out for Danny and he doesn't really know why. He does everything he's supposed to do and yet things don't work out the way they're supposed to. In this way, Danny is a lot like the Republican Party. You think there's no hope for Danny or for the Republicans but it turns out that the key to turning things around is right in front of both of them. For Danny, it's his friend Wheeler. For the Republicans, it's Sarah Palin. Wheeler is a lot like Sarah Palin. Neither one seems to be too bright when you first meet them but those appearances are deceiving. They're not stupid. Their heads are simply uncluttered by useless information. They know what they need to know. Sarah Palin may not know what a continent is but she knows which parts of the Alaskan Pipeline need to be fixed, she knows which library books are most offensive and need to be banned and she know how much a pepperoni pizza at the Juneau Pizza Hut costs. Dwelling on any other subject would be a waste of her time. Wheeler is the same way. He may not know about balancing his checkbook or how to clean himself properly but he does know how to get hot girls to sleep with him and how to do his job, that being wearing a minotaur costume. He and Sarah aren't a couple of elitist prigs who have to go around intellectualizing everything and...
Oh screw this. Why bother? I'M SORRY SARAH. I'M SO SO SORRY. I tried my best, I really did. I did everything I could think of but nothing worked. I called Obama a Muslim, an atheist, too smart, too dumb, and a terrorist and he still managed to get 365 electoral votes. I said that he was having an affair with Rashid Khalidi and that William Ayers had been the actual father of his children. I claimed to have a tape of Michelle Obama saying that, as reparations for slavery, black people should be allowed to eat the livers of white babies. I called Obama a Nazi, a Socialist, a Mormon, a Scientologist, and a Druid. I said he would pass a law that nullified all marriages and then force us all to gay marry illegal immigrants. I said that he wasn't born in this country and had, in fact, been born on a secret space station financed by the oil money of Muslim Jihadists which meant he wasn't even a citizen of this planet. I tried really pushing down on the mouse when I clicked on the "Publish Post" button. Yet, none of it worked. It was almost as if my attacks became less effective when they got crazier but that can't be it. Hell, I was one of the people in 2004 who claimed that John Kerry never served in Vietnam and I wasn't even alive during the Vietnam War yet no one ever called me on it. No, what happened is obvious. ACORN, under the direction of their board members Keith Olbermann, George Soros, William Ayers and the liberal media, managed to steal the election and they did it so well that the only person who can see that is me.
We'll try again, Sarah, and not in 2012. I'm working now to try and get a Constitutional Amendment passed that would force Obama to have to run again in 2010. Stay strong Sarah and know that Role Models is a big hit because the country secretly supports you.
Monday, November 10, 2008
America's Next Top Models
I will open by saying that Role Models is one of the most pleasant surprises I've ever had at the movies. The trailer didn't evoke a single laugh from me and it was only because of some positive reviews that I went to see it at all. It's not a great movie by any measure but it is pretty good and I laughed at most of the jokes which is really all you can ask of a comedy.
Another big surprise was that Judd Apatow had nothing to do with it. It has all the aspects of an Apatow film including many of the regular actors he uses up to and including Paul Rudd who plays one of the two major roles. It also has an Apatow plot (self absorbed and, to varying degrees, hedonistic people eventually come to do the right thing) and yet Apatow's name fails to show up. Perhaps we as a society have evolved into beings that no longer need Judd Apatow in order to make a Judd Apatow movie and now all movies will be like The 40 Year Old Virgin and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Judd Apatow's ascension as our God-Emperor may or may not be a good thing but it happened so subtly that I hardly noticed.
As for the plot, it involves idiots doing idiotic things in a funny way. Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott play Danny and Wheeler, partners at a company that sells energy drinks. Their schtick is to go to schools to deliver an anti-drug lecture and, in the process, offer their drink as a drug alternative. Wheeler is an empty-headed doofus who's perfectly content with his life as a guy who dresses up as a minotaur (the drink's mascot) by day and having an endless string of one night stands with hot chicks by night and DAMN why can't I live like that? Danny, on the other hand, seems to have based his life on Woody Allen movies. He's a whiny jerk who takes his dissatisfaction with life out on society. His only pleasure seems to come from lording his perceived intellectual superiority over everyone he meets. When I say "perceived" it's not really too far off. One of the main tenets of the plot is that, while Danny and Wheeler are dumb, everyone else in the film is dumber. The one exception to this is Danny girlfriend Beth (Elizabeth Banks). Because she's the only truly smart person in the film, she comes to the conclusion that she should dump Danny and this is what drives Danny into a tailspin that eventually leads him to drive his company's vehicle, a big SUV made up to look like a minotaur, into the statue at the school where he's was supposed to be giving his anti-drug/buy my stuff speech. This is what gets him into trouble with the law and sets up the movie's main plot point.
To avoid going to jail, Danny and wheeler must join a Big Brother type organization where they act as mentors to lonely kids. Danny gets Augie played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse. He's best known as McLovin but here, in a radical departure from playing a spaz who can't get laid role, stars as a spaz who can't get laid who is also deeply involved in fantasy role playing games. And we ain't talking World of Warcraft, Sunshine. No no, he actually meets in a real place with real people dressed in real costumes who engage in real fake combat for control of the fake realm of Xanthia. Typically, Danny has to act like an A-hole who's too cool for any of this, an attitude which draws the ire of the game's King Argotron because Danny refuses to bow before him. The King eventually throws Augie out of the game after Danny gets into a fight with him.
Wheeler, on the other hand, winds up with Ronnie, a foul mouthed kid who loves games, boobs and pissing off his mentors, pretty much in that order. Wheeler does manage to win Ronnie over due to the fact that he has lots of games and knows a lot about boobs. It's pretty much a perfect match until Wheeler reverts to type and manages to break Ronnie's trust after leaving Ronnie alone to go hook up with some hot chick he just met.
This causes the organization's leader, a former drug addict (the always funny Jane Lynch) who loves to talk about the fact that she's a former drug addict whether the situation calls for it or not, to toss them out of the group and put their community service sentence into jeopardy. If you've ever seen a movie before, you know that Danny and Wheeler manage to fix the situation while also gaining back the respect and affection of their friends and loved ones but I won't tell you how because it's really funny.
I had such a nice time actually enjoying this movie in the same way I once went into this dive of a local diner and ended up having what to this day is the best chicken parmesan I ever had. I had my "Role Models Sucks" review half written before I even set foot in the theater and was mildly annoyed that I had to scrap that and would never be able to use the line, "I'd rather be ass raped by a rabid elephant than have to see Role Models again." Still, seeing a genuinely funny comedy more than made up for it.
Another big surprise was that Judd Apatow had nothing to do with it. It has all the aspects of an Apatow film including many of the regular actors he uses up to and including Paul Rudd who plays one of the two major roles. It also has an Apatow plot (self absorbed and, to varying degrees, hedonistic people eventually come to do the right thing) and yet Apatow's name fails to show up. Perhaps we as a society have evolved into beings that no longer need Judd Apatow in order to make a Judd Apatow movie and now all movies will be like The 40 Year Old Virgin and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Judd Apatow's ascension as our God-Emperor may or may not be a good thing but it happened so subtly that I hardly noticed.
As for the plot, it involves idiots doing idiotic things in a funny way. Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott play Danny and Wheeler, partners at a company that sells energy drinks. Their schtick is to go to schools to deliver an anti-drug lecture and, in the process, offer their drink as a drug alternative. Wheeler is an empty-headed doofus who's perfectly content with his life as a guy who dresses up as a minotaur (the drink's mascot) by day and having an endless string of one night stands with hot chicks by night and DAMN why can't I live like that? Danny, on the other hand, seems to have based his life on Woody Allen movies. He's a whiny jerk who takes his dissatisfaction with life out on society. His only pleasure seems to come from lording his perceived intellectual superiority over everyone he meets. When I say "perceived" it's not really too far off. One of the main tenets of the plot is that, while Danny and Wheeler are dumb, everyone else in the film is dumber. The one exception to this is Danny girlfriend Beth (Elizabeth Banks). Because she's the only truly smart person in the film, she comes to the conclusion that she should dump Danny and this is what drives Danny into a tailspin that eventually leads him to drive his company's vehicle, a big SUV made up to look like a minotaur, into the statue at the school where he's was supposed to be giving his anti-drug/buy my stuff speech. This is what gets him into trouble with the law and sets up the movie's main plot point.
To avoid going to jail, Danny and wheeler must join a Big Brother type organization where they act as mentors to lonely kids. Danny gets Augie played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse. He's best known as McLovin but here, in a radical departure from playing a spaz who can't get laid role, stars as a spaz who can't get laid who is also deeply involved in fantasy role playing games. And we ain't talking World of Warcraft, Sunshine. No no, he actually meets in a real place with real people dressed in real costumes who engage in real fake combat for control of the fake realm of Xanthia. Typically, Danny has to act like an A-hole who's too cool for any of this, an attitude which draws the ire of the game's King Argotron because Danny refuses to bow before him. The King eventually throws Augie out of the game after Danny gets into a fight with him.
Wheeler, on the other hand, winds up with Ronnie, a foul mouthed kid who loves games, boobs and pissing off his mentors, pretty much in that order. Wheeler does manage to win Ronnie over due to the fact that he has lots of games and knows a lot about boobs. It's pretty much a perfect match until Wheeler reverts to type and manages to break Ronnie's trust after leaving Ronnie alone to go hook up with some hot chick he just met.
This causes the organization's leader, a former drug addict (the always funny Jane Lynch) who loves to talk about the fact that she's a former drug addict whether the situation calls for it or not, to toss them out of the group and put their community service sentence into jeopardy. If you've ever seen a movie before, you know that Danny and Wheeler manage to fix the situation while also gaining back the respect and affection of their friends and loved ones but I won't tell you how because it's really funny.
I had such a nice time actually enjoying this movie in the same way I once went into this dive of a local diner and ended up having what to this day is the best chicken parmesan I ever had. I had my "Role Models Sucks" review half written before I even set foot in the theater and was mildly annoyed that I had to scrap that and would never be able to use the line, "I'd rather be ass raped by a rabid elephant than have to see Role Models again." Still, seeing a genuinely funny comedy more than made up for it.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Soul Survivors
I see that the new Bernie Mac/Samuel L. Jackson movie Soul Men debuted at #6 for the week. That's too bad since I've always liked Sam Jackson and you at least have to give a sympathy nod to the late Bernie Mac*. I would like to give some advice to the movie's makers up to and including MGM. I realize that I'm not some fancy schmancy college edicated high falootin's movie executive type like you all are, but here in the Real America we do know one thing: if you're making a movie whose characters are supposed to be legendary singers, it would help if you would hire actors WHO CAN ACTUALLY SING. Why do you suppose you've never heard the words "Classic album from Samuel L. Jackson" or "And now here's that famous top ten hit from Bernie Mac"? One thing that really focuses the mind on their lack of singing talent is when you hear them performing with professional singer John Legend. Legend sounds great. You can believe that Legend is a guy who's been famous for decades. When Mac and Jackson sing, they sound like the guys who down three scotches at a wedding reception and think it's a good idea to get up on stage with the band and sing songs they liked in college.
Oh well, off to see Role Models. That's the movie where Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott play energy drink salesmen. Something tells me that they will be bad at their jobs, thus making that the running theme for movies this weekend.
*He was actually one of the voice actors in this week's #1 Madagascar 2 so perhaps the nation said, "Screw it, we did our part," when presented with the prospect of properly memorializing Bernie Mac by seeing one of his last movies.
Oh well, off to see Role Models. That's the movie where Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott play energy drink salesmen. Something tells me that they will be bad at their jobs, thus making that the running theme for movies this weekend.
*He was actually one of the voice actors in this week's #1 Madagascar 2 so perhaps the nation said, "Screw it, we did our part," when presented with the prospect of properly memorializing Bernie Mac by seeing one of his last movies.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I Got Nuthin
Taking the day off. Go read Harry Knowles or something. I'm sure he's posted his latest Scarlett Johannson fantasy today. Should be fun reading.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)