How Hollywood Thinks

Hey all. You may have heard that Veronica Mars actress Kristen Bell's new movie You Again is about to be released in theaters. Kristen plays a woman in her late 20s whose brother is about to marry the former cheerleader who made her life hell in high school because she was socially awkward and unattractive. The problem with Kristen Bell playing an unattractive girl is that she looks like this:


Thankfully, You Again has some true creative visionaries lovingly guiding it from the printed page to the big screen and they have cleverly figured out an ingenious method of making the smoking hot Kristen Bell look unattractive.


Problem solved. I apologize to anyone who became physically ill at the sight of Kristen Bell with glasses and a slightly different hairdo, qualities that render her beast-like and unfit for the company of humans. You Kristen Bell fans need not worry though. Later in the movie, the glasses come off, the hair goes back to normal and she becomes doable again.

And that's how Hollywood thinks.

How Hollywood Thinks

I've dealt with this subject before but it seems time to bring it up again. This is Amanda Seyfried.


You may think she's really cute. If you do, you're wrong. By Hollywood standards, she's hideous. Casting directors thought this girl was enough of a chowder face to play Megan Fox's ugly friend in Jennifer's Body.


Oh dear lord, I think I may puke. I really want to jack off to Megan Fox but how the hell am I supposed to do that with that Gollum look-alike sitting next to her? Come on, glasses? GLASSES? I think the only reason her parents didn't drown her at birth is because she wasn't wearing those glasses when she came out of the womb.

Now for the kicker. I have proof that Hollywood makes better movies than any other country on the planet. There's a new movie called Chloe financed by the French and set in Paris though it's an English language film. Check out what she looks like in that movie.


Ugh. Sure, she got rid of the glasses but, you know, lipstick on a pig and all that. In Chloe, we're supposed to believe that Amanda Seyfried is a prostitute so alluring that she not only seduces Liam Neeson but also manages to get Julianne Moore to switch teams. Uh huh, like we're supposed to believe that blond Sasquatch could seduce anyone. If you want to get really grossed out, here's the red band trailer for that movie where you see her in various stages of undress. I must warn you that this video is what's known as Not Safe For Work so it's an awesome thing to watch on your company's computer if this is your last day there.

I just can't figure out what the French were thinking. Maybe they have some sort of socialist program over there that forces film companies to cast a certain number of actresses whose faces look like ground meat. You know, like Amanda Seyfried does.

And that, my friends, is How Hollywood Thinks.

How Hollywood Thinks

In the original Philip K. Dick short story The Minority Report the character Jon Anderton is described as a fat, bald 60 year old man. When Steven Spielberg read that and wondered who would be the perfect choice to play Jon Anderton in his upcoming movie version, he naturally thought of this guy.



And that is How Hollywood Thinks.

How Hollywood Thinks

In the movie Jennifer's Body, the producers naturally thought that Megan Fox would be a good choice to play the sexy titular character Jennifer. A tougher casting choice was Needy, Jennifer's unattractive friend. Naturally, they thought this actress would be the perfect choice to play an unattractive girl.


And that's How Hollywood Thinks.