Today's Random Thoughts

I've said before that I place High School Musical 3 in the "Mostly Harmless" category and I shall be forever grateful to it for knocking Beverly Hills Chihuahua out of the #1 spot and, more importantly, for keeping Saw V from ever reaching that spot but...how do I put this...FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET JUMPIN' JEHOVAH, WILL YOU PEOPLE PLEASE GO SEE SOMETHING ELSE THIS WEEKEND?! Yeah, I know, we would all love to be in a school where everyone is awesome looking, the biggest problem you have is that a gorgeous girl is trying to steal you away from your gorgeous girlfriend and dancing in the halls not only fails to cause people to yell, "HOMO," but is actually considered to be the norm but this is just getting embarrassing. Role Models is getting some decent reviews so go see that.

Speaking of Role Models, I assumed that this was going to suck in the way that only really unfunny comedies can suck but it actually may be good. Who would have thought that teaming Sean William Scott (whose characters are always huge jerks) with Paul Rudd (whose characters are always huge man-ginas) would actually work out?

It looks like the teen vampire movie Twilight is going to be a huge hit. In light of that, I'd like to do what conservative commentators Joe Scarborough and Pat Buchanan did on MSNBC's election night coverage, that being to disavow the bad things I've said about a perceived winner and act like I've actually been on board with that winner the whole time. GO TWILIGHT! WOO! TWILIGHT'S NUMBER ONE!

Variety says that Deliverance/Excalibur director John Boorman plans to remake The Wizard Of Oz. Unlike the people who think that the 1939 movie is some sacred object akin to the Ark of the Covenant and will both figuratively and, I'm sure in a few cases, literally crap their pants at this idea, I'm very cool with it. If you've ever read the book, you know that it's a very different from the movie. The tone is darker and grittier and, if Boorman manages to successfully translate that in his remake, we'll get to see a pretty good movie as well as the inevitable hysterical parents who will implore us to please please think of the children whose precious bodily fluids will be contaminated by an accurate film version.

And...I'M OUT! See ya.

Things I've Learned From Watching Movies Part 49

The best people to care for wayward kids are depressed losers and self absorbed dimwits with dead end jobs who are also convicted criminals.

Yes We Did

In case you hadn't heard...

Emergency Dispatch from the Department of "Oh Yeah, That's Totally An Awesome Idea"

Actor Joaquin Phoenix insists that he fully intends to quit acting and take up a music career. Because, you know, that has worked out so well for other actors like Bruce Willis, Juliette Lewis, and Johnny Depp. I'm sure when I mentioned those names you all were suddenly flooded with sweet, wistful memories of the first time you heard all the hit songs that came from those actors.

In related news, I'd like to announce that I am quitting my job in order to play video games and jack off to Maxim models. I'm willing to bet that I will be far more successful in my chosen path than Joaquin Phoenix will be in his.

BOYCOTT DREAMWORKS

Coming out this week is Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa. My question is: weren't they already in Africa when Madagascar 1 ended? I suspect Dreamworks thinks we're stupid and won't notice. Based on that assumption, I call upon my minuscule readership to BOYCOTT DREAMWORKS until those greedy bastards decide it's time to pay us some respect.

Ok, that's done. Truth be told, if you broke me down to the molecular level, you wouldn't find so much as an atom in me that gives a crap about the plot of Madagascar 2. The true purpose of this post is to see how many hits I get from people at Dreamworks. You may laugh but back in June when I wrote my "Boycott WALL·E" posts I got several hits from both Disney and Pixar employees who I'm guessing were thinking that this was the start of some massive online movement to crush their multi million dollar investment.

Dreamworks employees, now that I have your attention, let me pitch to you my idea for your next big animated blockbuster. It's about a world populated entirely by living accordions. I'm assuming they came to life after all human life was exterminated by some sort of nuclear or biological holocaust and yeah, I know, too gruesome for the kids but we can work that out in story conferencing. Anyhoo, all the intelligent accordions are forced by society to play Lady Of Spain non stop. There's this one accordion who's kind of a teenage outcast type who's called...um...Bob. Crap, I don't know but again, this is what story conferences are for, am I right?

One day, Bob hears the rain beating rhythmically against his roof and sets the beat to music, inventing rock and roll. All the other teenage accordions are instantly entranced by Bob's newfound musical talents including this super hot girl accordion that Bob has a crush on. Some douchebag accordion jock who hates Bob alerts all the older accordions about this musical heresy. They forbid this "rolling and rocking" that all the kids were doing and banish Bob but Bob comes back during some big accordion festival, makes some syrupy speech about how, "We must squeeze the music out of ourselves or else why bother to live at all?" After that, they all start singing and dancing to the new Rolling Rock music, everyone hates the douchebag jock and Bob fucks the girl and yeah, I know but again, story conferencing.

I'm sure you'll want to option this immediately, Dreamworks, so feel free to contact me through the email address to the right. Hopefully, I won't delete you along with the spam announcements I get from your company now.

The Story Of O

With the election looming ever more closely, I was thinking today about how today's events will be covered in movies of the future. Considering we already have the first movie about the Bush presidency out, I imagine it won't take too long although I the the future would have a better perspective but it's inevitable that the story of the first black man to become the Presidential nominee of a major party will be the subject of numerous cinematic treatments over, well, the next couple of centuries.

I wonder if John McCain realizes how he will be perceived in these future drafts of history. He'll be played by someone like Anthony Hopkins or whoever the future equivalent of Anthony Hopkins will be. Zac Efron could play McCain in about 50 years in the movie White House Musical where he would be declared, "the hunkiest McCain ever."

I look forward to the scene where McCain decided to piss his legacy down his leg and throw in his lot with the smear merchants and race baiters that produced the ad where Barack Obama is compared to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton which served the duel purpose of saying, "Obama is the Gay Prince of All Shallow Sissies," and of being a racist dog whistle to implant in the minds of voters the image of Obama saying, "Where da white wimmin at?" We'll see the time when Sarah Palin was chosen to be his V.P. nominee, the brief period of good times that followed when Sarah Palin served as a blank screen upon which voters could project their own notions and fantasies and then the long period of not-so-great times caused by the words that came out of her mouth and the liberal bias of reality.

We'll see the day the campaign truly ended when the economy went off the rails and Obama responded by staying calm and weighing possible strategies while McCain responded by declaring that the fundamentals of the economy were strong followed by his vow to "suspend" his campaign and return to Washington where he would knock some heads together but only ended up making things worse. Perhaps the movie will add a moment of dramatic license where McCain vows to follow the economy to the gates of Hell, rip its heart out of its chest and show it to the economy before it dies.

After that we get the tense moments where it seems Obama's campaign may be undone by the McCain campaign's final Obama is a terrorist Muslim atheist who will either send the white people to death camps or pack them all on boats to Africa while shouting, "SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT, WHITE DEVILS!" push but, in the end, we'll see the smiling faces of Obama and his supporters on election night while McCain sits in the dark wondering if he'll continue in the Senate or go the Bob Dole route and do Viagra commercials. Either way, he'll be portrayed as a sad, pathetic man who threw away his legacy and public image as a man of honor and integrity and was left with nothing to show for it except for either a place in the Senate's minority party or a handful of boner pills and the phone calls from Sarah Palin asking for his support when she runs in 2012.

This is as it should be. Obama made his choices and McCain made his and now history will judge them accordingly.

And yes, I am using the psychic powers that never seem to work when I pick out lottery numbers to somehow predict an Obama victory tomorrow. If Obama wins, make sure you credit this site as the place you first heard about it.

Sorry Folks

I'm spending time with family this weekend so it's unlikely I'll get anything substantive up until Monday. Have a nice weekend.