For months now I've been looking forward to the third series of Torchwood. I don't really know why as I'm not Torchwood's biggest fan. If you've never seen Torchwood, it's a BBC show (shown in the U.S. on BBC America) about a high level government organization responsible for monitoring and dealing with alien activity on Earth. The team is led by Captain Jack Harkness, a character first introduced on Doctor Who, who became frozen in time by the Doctor's time machine and now cannot die. Torchwood has had some great episodes but, ultimately, I've found it to be a broken show. It's storylines are too often depressing are sometimes just dumb, like the time an alien arrived on Earth, possessed a pretty young woman and used her to screw men to death and absorb their sexual energy. That's more like something you'd read in a fanfic though the fanfic would have crossed over with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Star Wars. Still, the show has been just good enough to hold my attention.
When Executive Producer Russell T. Davies announced that series 3 of Torchwood would be a five episode story arc instead of a full season of individual episodes, I thought that was a great idea. Sure, we don't get as much but since each of the two previous series only had around five really good episodes each anyway, I figured this was the perfect model for the show. It turns out I was right.
The five episode mini-series Torchwood: Children of the Earth is pretty damn good. Not great, but close. Due to plot of the series two finale, the Torchwood team is now down to three members. Jack, ex-cop Gwen Cooper and Ianto Jones who formerly acted more as the team's caretaker but, through attrition, now does a great deal of field work. He also became Jack's boyfriend, something that redefines the words, "field work." The story opens in 1965 when a group of pre-teens is being bused out to the Scottish countryside. When the bus stops, a light appears and the kids walk into it with only one looking back. We jump to 2009 when Gwen Cooper spots of couple of kids standing silently. Just standing. Their parents thought they were just being difficult kids. It didn't last too long and no one thought much of it until Torchwood and another branch of the government figured out that this happened to every child on the planet at the same time.
And...that's about as far as I want to go into plot specifics. There's five hours worth of stuff and I could reveal a little more without entering true spoiler territory but I really believe you'll enjoy it more if I don't. I will say that, during the five hour run, you'll see action, adventure, humor, sadness, triumph, tragedy, truly casual evil on the part of both the aliens and the humans and a lead character doing something that can only be described as both necessary and unforgivable.
Torchwood: Children of the Earth reaffirms my love for the BBC. They are just as capable as the U.S. of creating disgustingly stupid television programming but I truly believe that the very best of what they do is better than the very best of what we do. I also can't see this storyline having been done in America. Oh, we do some good stuff, but we don't do anything that has the guts and takes the risks that Torchwood does. At the very least, the networks would have wanted the ending changed and almost certainly would wanted the homosexual relationship between Jack and Ianto shelved.
I'm not sure what the future of Torchwood will be now. This is an excellent redemption for what was a broken show and, if it ended here, that would be fine with me. Still, maybe they'll be back next year. If this were made in America, they'd move the location to Hollywood and add a kid and a cigar smoking chimp to the cast and maybe do a Very Special Episode where Gwen goes blind or we find out that Jack never learned to read. Fortunately, this is made in England which means to worst we can expect is that they'll boil all the flavor out of their vegetables.
Torchwood: Children of the Earth is showing next week, July 20-24, on BBC America. As they say, check your local listings for the time.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Look At My Briefs -- 7/16/09
Here is yet another edition of brief commentaries on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.
I share Quint's enthusiasm for the possibility that an American version of Let The Right One In might actually be good, an idea that I would say has the same odds as the Earth being shattered by a giant comet and then spontaneously putting itself back together the way it was. If you read my review back in November, you know what a huge fan I am of this thought-provoking, intelligent and, sometimes, truly frightening film. Like Quint, I simply assumed the American remake would get Twilighted and the characters would turn from children experiencing a dark and fascinating coming-of-age tale in to a teenage romance story. I figured the vampire girl, Eli, would be played by someone like Evan Rachel Wood and that the script would be filled with scenes of her in the shower or sleeping nude. Fortunately, this poster shows that, at the very least, the lead characters will remain children.
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Hey, remember that movie where Tim Allen brutally murdered Santa Claus and had to take his place? That was pure holiday fun, right? If you thought so, you'll love the idea of Russell Brand taking the Easter Bunny out of commission and having to take his place. I know the one thing this world has been missing is the concept of a foul mouthed, edgy British Easter bunny and it's about time the movie industry did something about it.
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There's a guy named Joe Barlow I've known for about ten years but lost touch with when I decided to get a cooler group of friends. Fortunately, I learned important life lessons about core values and true friendship* so Joe is now once again welcome as a part of my world. Actually, he started following me on Twitter (I think he found me through a mutual friend) and when I saw the name @CinemaslaveJoe I knew who he was. It turns out he has his own website called Cinemaslave that isn't updated nearly often enough due to his insistence on having a life. I'm mentioning all of this mainly to call attention to his latest podcast which has a cool tribute to the late fandom legend Forrest J. Ackerman. I met Ackerman years ago and it must have been quite a thrill for him to meet me though he kept his cool the whole time. You can also check out Joe's short film The Wicked Witch Project which was the very best of approximately 8 billion parodies of The Blair Witch Project that were made.
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Speaking of that, this is the tenth anniversary of the release of The Blair Witch Project. My recollection of that time is that this was the first example of successful viral internet marketing. Some of the marketing made it seem as if it was an actual documentary and a lot of people I knew both in real life and online thought it was a true story. They were often unswayed by, say, an appearance on Good Morning America by the actors saying it was a movie. Blair Witch holds up as an excellent and unconventional horror film.
* I may be confusing myself with a character in one of those teen comedies.
I share Quint's enthusiasm for the possibility that an American version of Let The Right One In might actually be good, an idea that I would say has the same odds as the Earth being shattered by a giant comet and then spontaneously putting itself back together the way it was. If you read my review back in November, you know what a huge fan I am of this thought-provoking, intelligent and, sometimes, truly frightening film. Like Quint, I simply assumed the American remake would get Twilighted and the characters would turn from children experiencing a dark and fascinating coming-of-age tale in to a teenage romance story. I figured the vampire girl, Eli, would be played by someone like Evan Rachel Wood and that the script would be filled with scenes of her in the shower or sleeping nude. Fortunately, this poster shows that, at the very least, the lead characters will remain children.
-----------------------------------------------------------Hey, remember that movie where Tim Allen brutally murdered Santa Claus and had to take his place? That was pure holiday fun, right? If you thought so, you'll love the idea of Russell Brand taking the Easter Bunny out of commission and having to take his place. I know the one thing this world has been missing is the concept of a foul mouthed, edgy British Easter bunny and it's about time the movie industry did something about it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
There's a guy named Joe Barlow I've known for about ten years but lost touch with when I decided to get a cooler group of friends. Fortunately, I learned important life lessons about core values and true friendship* so Joe is now once again welcome as a part of my world. Actually, he started following me on Twitter (I think he found me through a mutual friend) and when I saw the name @CinemaslaveJoe I knew who he was. It turns out he has his own website called Cinemaslave that isn't updated nearly often enough due to his insistence on having a life. I'm mentioning all of this mainly to call attention to his latest podcast which has a cool tribute to the late fandom legend Forrest J. Ackerman. I met Ackerman years ago and it must have been quite a thrill for him to meet me though he kept his cool the whole time. You can also check out Joe's short film The Wicked Witch Project which was the very best of approximately 8 billion parodies of The Blair Witch Project that were made.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Speaking of that, this is the tenth anniversary of the release of The Blair Witch Project. My recollection of that time is that this was the first example of successful viral internet marketing. Some of the marketing made it seem as if it was an actual documentary and a lot of people I knew both in real life and online thought it was a true story. They were often unswayed by, say, an appearance on Good Morning America by the actors saying it was a movie. Blair Witch holds up as an excellent and unconventional horror film.
* I may be confusing myself with a character in one of those teen comedies.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Netflix Pics Picks
Netflix is becoming my favorite thing ever. They're not perfect, mind you. My brother-in-law reached a level of indignation with them normally reserved for people trying to deny your civil rights when it took several weeks for him to finally receive a copy of Slumdog Millionaire. Still they did heavily contribute to the end of Blockbuster's reign of evil over the video rental industry and for that we must all be eternally grateful.
Something I'm using more and more is their streaming service where you can watch something instantly on your computer, as God intended. When they first started doing this, their selection basically consisted of movies you had never heard of, always with good reason. These days, they have some excellent selections including Superbad and The Terminator. I thought I'd review a few of those and ended up concentrating on BBC television shows. For you Americans who have never heard of the BBC, it's the British Broadcasting Corporation, the main source of television and radio in England. England is a country that's not America and thus is considered by most U.S. citizens to be a godforsaken hellhole though they do manage to lighten things up by putting the picture of an inbred figurehead on all their money. I find this far superior than America's ghoulish penchant for putting dead guys on our money.
Neverwhere -- It's odd considering that Neil Gaiman is one of my favorite writers and I had read the book years ago that I had never seen the six part BBC television production of Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere until a few weeks ago. Made in 1996, it manages not to look dated, probably because most of it takes place in a fantasy world. It is the story of Richard Mayhew, a Londoner who accidentally becomes part of a world of magic called London Below when he encounters one of its citizens, a girl named Door. After saving Door from the assassins who were hunting her, he discovers that people no longer notice him and even his best friend and fiance no longer recognize him. Luckily, his friend was a dick and his fiance a shrew yet he is still upset over losing them.
Richard and Door encounter some great characters along the way, especially the ruthless Marquis De Carabas, a man who has made sure that everyone he encounters owes him a favor. The show's biggest flaw is a character named Hunter. Oh, I liked the character well enough but she's supposed to be a superior fighter and every scene where she had to prove it made painfully obvious the fact that the actress had no fighting skills to speak of. Still, the show is interesting and, if you have Netflix, you could do worse than to spend a few hours having this streamed into the computer box where you keep your dirty pictures.
Jekyll -- If you saw a show last fall with Christian Slater called My Own Worst Enemy, you should know that you were watching a stupid, boring and vastly inferior ripoff of Jekyll. Written by Steven Moffat (one of my favorite writers of any medium), it stars James Nesbitt as Dr. Tom Jackman, a man who comes to find out he's sharing his brain with a sadistic personality that eventually names himself Mr. Hyde. Luckily, he has two of England's hottest women (Gina Bellman who plays his wife and Michelle Ryan as his nurse and assistant) to help him solve the mystery of Hyde and get his life back to normal. Jekyll is the type of show that restores your faith in the potential of television, only to have that faith dashed when America gets a hold of it.
Coupling -- And speaking of having America dash your faith, I present to you Coupling. American television tried to do its own version of this excellent comedy (also written by Steven Moffat). Even using Moffat's scripts, they managed to make it dull and unfunny. The original British version is one of my favorite sitcoms ever. It pushes the limits of good taste and gets away with it because it's funny. My favorite character is Jeff, an odd fellow whose odd theories about relationships and women often get him and his friends into trouble. He once talked about the Melty Man, a demon who comes from the bottom of Hell to steal men's erections. This caused his friend Patrick, a dimwitted Lothario, to lose his erection at a crucial moment. Coupling again has the extremely gorgeous Gina Bellman as Jane, a promiscuous woman who manages to breeze through life unaware of the fact that she's not very bright. She once tells tells a religious man who wonders why God doesn't answer his prayers that the reason for that is that God is a made up person and expecting him to answer your prayers is like writing a letter to a soap opera character and expecting a reply. What really made that funny was that she said that in an innocent attempt to be helpful, unaware of the fact that the man would find it offensive.
Next week, I'll do another review of Netflix's streaming selections. Hopefully they'll add a hardcore porn section between now and then and I can review that.
Something I'm using more and more is their streaming service where you can watch something instantly on your computer, as God intended. When they first started doing this, their selection basically consisted of movies you had never heard of, always with good reason. These days, they have some excellent selections including Superbad and The Terminator. I thought I'd review a few of those and ended up concentrating on BBC television shows. For you Americans who have never heard of the BBC, it's the British Broadcasting Corporation, the main source of television and radio in England. England is a country that's not America and thus is considered by most U.S. citizens to be a godforsaken hellhole though they do manage to lighten things up by putting the picture of an inbred figurehead on all their money. I find this far superior than America's ghoulish penchant for putting dead guys on our money.
Neverwhere -- It's odd considering that Neil Gaiman is one of my favorite writers and I had read the book years ago that I had never seen the six part BBC television production of Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere until a few weeks ago. Made in 1996, it manages not to look dated, probably because most of it takes place in a fantasy world. It is the story of Richard Mayhew, a Londoner who accidentally becomes part of a world of magic called London Below when he encounters one of its citizens, a girl named Door. After saving Door from the assassins who were hunting her, he discovers that people no longer notice him and even his best friend and fiance no longer recognize him. Luckily, his friend was a dick and his fiance a shrew yet he is still upset over losing them.
Richard and Door encounter some great characters along the way, especially the ruthless Marquis De Carabas, a man who has made sure that everyone he encounters owes him a favor. The show's biggest flaw is a character named Hunter. Oh, I liked the character well enough but she's supposed to be a superior fighter and every scene where she had to prove it made painfully obvious the fact that the actress had no fighting skills to speak of. Still, the show is interesting and, if you have Netflix, you could do worse than to spend a few hours having this streamed into the computer box where you keep your dirty pictures.
Jekyll -- If you saw a show last fall with Christian Slater called My Own Worst Enemy, you should know that you were watching a stupid, boring and vastly inferior ripoff of Jekyll. Written by Steven Moffat (one of my favorite writers of any medium), it stars James Nesbitt as Dr. Tom Jackman, a man who comes to find out he's sharing his brain with a sadistic personality that eventually names himself Mr. Hyde. Luckily, he has two of England's hottest women (Gina Bellman who plays his wife and Michelle Ryan as his nurse and assistant) to help him solve the mystery of Hyde and get his life back to normal. Jekyll is the type of show that restores your faith in the potential of television, only to have that faith dashed when America gets a hold of it.
Coupling -- And speaking of having America dash your faith, I present to you Coupling. American television tried to do its own version of this excellent comedy (also written by Steven Moffat). Even using Moffat's scripts, they managed to make it dull and unfunny. The original British version is one of my favorite sitcoms ever. It pushes the limits of good taste and gets away with it because it's funny. My favorite character is Jeff, an odd fellow whose odd theories about relationships and women often get him and his friends into trouble. He once talked about the Melty Man, a demon who comes from the bottom of Hell to steal men's erections. This caused his friend Patrick, a dimwitted Lothario, to lose his erection at a crucial moment. Coupling again has the extremely gorgeous Gina Bellman as Jane, a promiscuous woman who manages to breeze through life unaware of the fact that she's not very bright. She once tells tells a religious man who wonders why God doesn't answer his prayers that the reason for that is that God is a made up person and expecting him to answer your prayers is like writing a letter to a soap opera character and expecting a reply. What really made that funny was that she said that in an innocent attempt to be helpful, unaware of the fact that the man would find it offensive.
Next week, I'll do another review of Netflix's streaming selections. Hopefully they'll add a hardcore porn section between now and then and I can review that.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
No Joe
I haven't done a real attempt at Movies I Haven't Seen since April when I grabbed The Ugly Truth by its virtual neck and shook it around for a bit until it cried. That's coming out shortly so we'll see if I was right about it. Until then, I'm still claiming a perfect record. True, I do tend to grab the low hanging fruit when it comes to predicting which movies are going to be godawfully horrible and, at the moment, the fruit that's damn near touching the ground is G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Let's all watch the trailer.
By all means, feel free to go out and get some air and maybe have a refreshing beverage while you try to shake off the experience of that trailer. All set? Okay, let's begin.
First, we see that the preview has been approved for all audiences. It's clean so that's cool. That's also the most intelligent part of the trailer. Unfortunately, actual film clips start playing and our innocence is forever shattered.
I'm immediately annoyed when I see Christopher Eccleston playing the villain. I'm assuming negotiations for his appearance in this film went something like this:
"No way will I jeopardize my reputation as an actor by appearing in this piece of crap."
"Oh, so you don't want this huge check?"
"Um...in northern England, piece of crap is what we call something that disgusts us but we love it anyway, like blood pudding. Where do I sign?"
Good Lord, Eccleston, you left Doctor Who so you could do this? Okay, moving on...come on man, you were great in Doctor Who. Why oh why oh why...really moving on now. Chris and the rest of the big ball of evil known as Cobra all live jolly lives under the sea in some Blofeld-style fortress plotting and launching terrorist attacks like the destruction of the Eiffel Tower through the use of some sort of metal dissolving missile. WHY destroy the Eiffel Tower? Oh, I'm sure there'll be a good reason that's not at all offensively stupid. I'm also sure there will be a perfectly logical reason why the world's governments can't simply trace the missile to the undersea fort and nuke the ever loving piss out of it in retaliation for one of the worst terrorist attacks in history. I'm predicting Cobra will have invented something called Quasi-Crypto-Cloaking Technology. This means the world's only hope will be some two fisted tough guys who I guaran-god damn-tee you will at some point be dressed down by some weenie superior for Having Crossed The Line And Made The Situation Worse.
This is where we get to the movie's real problem. The villains, like Eccleston and a leather clad Sienna Miller are okay but the heroes are boring as shit and that analogy doesn't really work since shit can sometimes be very interesting so let's say the heroes are as boring as really, really boring shit. First you have Channing Tatum playing the main member of the Joe team, Duke. Tatum does something here he's only done in about six other movies, standing around and looking morose. Playing Ripcord is Marlon Wayans. Casting a member of the Wayans family is basically the last refuge of incompetent casting directors. In the trailer at least, none of the heroes seems to all that interesting. So far, all we have is that one is clinically depressed and one is black (this is considered to be an actual personality trait by many filmmakers). Plus, the Joes wear those stupid battle suits, something that may work just fine in cartoons or comic books but on the screen turn them into bland, interchangeable fighters. Fortunately, we live in a time where interesting characters aren't necessary. Instead, a movie can be a feast for the eyes with interesting effects and exciting action sequences which, if this trailer is anything to go by, don't exist in this movie.
One thing the filmmakers must have liked about the battle suits is that it is now easier to put the people into CGI sequences. This, for example, means that the scene where the Joes are dodging rockets is nothing more than something made in some guy's Macintosh are dodging something made in another guy's Macintosh. It's not particularly well done CGI either. It looks like a high tech cartoon, which is what it is. Even the ugly, confusing effects in Transformers 2 looked better than this. That, by the way, is meant as a devastating insult.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is going to thoroughly, utterly suck. The only way I could possibly be wrong is if the marketing strategy was to not show any of the good parts in the advertising. Another solid guarantee I want to give is that the actors in interviews will start referring to the movie as "fun" and that people should "lighten up and just enjoy it." This will be proof positive that I was right. Sienna Miller came close to doing that in an interview with Scifi Wire when she said that she took the part of the Duchess because she wanted to make, "...something that was just maybe really great fun and that people went to see and actually just had a great time seeing and weren't left damaged." That's close but not quite what I'm looking for. The Fun Movie Excuse will be used to dismiss critics, like me, who say their movie blows and will be proof that everything I've said today is true.
By all means, feel free to go out and get some air and maybe have a refreshing beverage while you try to shake off the experience of that trailer. All set? Okay, let's begin.
First, we see that the preview has been approved for all audiences. It's clean so that's cool. That's also the most intelligent part of the trailer. Unfortunately, actual film clips start playing and our innocence is forever shattered.
I'm immediately annoyed when I see Christopher Eccleston playing the villain. I'm assuming negotiations for his appearance in this film went something like this:
"No way will I jeopardize my reputation as an actor by appearing in this piece of crap."
"Oh, so you don't want this huge check?"
"Um...in northern England, piece of crap is what we call something that disgusts us but we love it anyway, like blood pudding. Where do I sign?"
Good Lord, Eccleston, you left Doctor Who so you could do this? Okay, moving on...come on man, you were great in Doctor Who. Why oh why oh why...really moving on now. Chris and the rest of the big ball of evil known as Cobra all live jolly lives under the sea in some Blofeld-style fortress plotting and launching terrorist attacks like the destruction of the Eiffel Tower through the use of some sort of metal dissolving missile. WHY destroy the Eiffel Tower? Oh, I'm sure there'll be a good reason that's not at all offensively stupid. I'm also sure there will be a perfectly logical reason why the world's governments can't simply trace the missile to the undersea fort and nuke the ever loving piss out of it in retaliation for one of the worst terrorist attacks in history. I'm predicting Cobra will have invented something called Quasi-Crypto-Cloaking Technology. This means the world's only hope will be some two fisted tough guys who I guaran-god damn-tee you will at some point be dressed down by some weenie superior for Having Crossed The Line And Made The Situation Worse.
This is where we get to the movie's real problem. The villains, like Eccleston and a leather clad Sienna Miller are okay but the heroes are boring as shit and that analogy doesn't really work since shit can sometimes be very interesting so let's say the heroes are as boring as really, really boring shit. First you have Channing Tatum playing the main member of the Joe team, Duke. Tatum does something here he's only done in about six other movies, standing around and looking morose. Playing Ripcord is Marlon Wayans. Casting a member of the Wayans family is basically the last refuge of incompetent casting directors. In the trailer at least, none of the heroes seems to all that interesting. So far, all we have is that one is clinically depressed and one is black (this is considered to be an actual personality trait by many filmmakers). Plus, the Joes wear those stupid battle suits, something that may work just fine in cartoons or comic books but on the screen turn them into bland, interchangeable fighters. Fortunately, we live in a time where interesting characters aren't necessary. Instead, a movie can be a feast for the eyes with interesting effects and exciting action sequences which, if this trailer is anything to go by, don't exist in this movie.
One thing the filmmakers must have liked about the battle suits is that it is now easier to put the people into CGI sequences. This, for example, means that the scene where the Joes are dodging rockets is nothing more than something made in some guy's Macintosh are dodging something made in another guy's Macintosh. It's not particularly well done CGI either. It looks like a high tech cartoon, which is what it is. Even the ugly, confusing effects in Transformers 2 looked better than this. That, by the way, is meant as a devastating insult.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is going to thoroughly, utterly suck. The only way I could possibly be wrong is if the marketing strategy was to not show any of the good parts in the advertising. Another solid guarantee I want to give is that the actors in interviews will start referring to the movie as "fun" and that people should "lighten up and just enjoy it." This will be proof positive that I was right. Sienna Miller came close to doing that in an interview with Scifi Wire when she said that she took the part of the Duchess because she wanted to make, "...something that was just maybe really great fun and that people went to see and actually just had a great time seeing and weren't left damaged." That's close but not quite what I'm looking for. The Fun Movie Excuse will be used to dismiss critics, like me, who say their movie blows and will be proof that everything I've said today is true.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Größ
I don't really know how to review Brüno. Writing this review has taken me longer than it should have since I really don't want to spoil anything. The less you know about what it coming, the funnier it will be. The best way to sum up the movie is to say that, if you liked Borat, you'll like Brüno. On the other hand, if you thought Borat was something so thoroughly horrific that Hell tried to swallow it, choked and vomited it back up, you should at least wait for Brüno to come out on DVD.
Brüno uses real people in Candid Camera-style encounters with Sasha Baron Cohen's character, a gay Austrian fashion reporter named...damn, what was that name...it'll come to me. Anyway, what's-his-name is supposedly one of the fashion world's top personalities who declares what is "In" and what is "Aus". He has it all: fame, money and a personal assistant named Diesel who is also his comically athletic boyfriend (I couldn't possibly do justice to a description of that, you'll have to see it). Unfortunately, Brüno (oh yeah, that was his name) makes a public fool out of himself at a fashion show and ends up on the "Aus" list. Actually, I think it's more likely that the fashion world got wind of what Cohen and crew were up to and put the word out which is probably why the plot shifted away from fashion shows and interviews with fashion personalities and onto people like hunters, pastors and even former Presidential candidate Ron Paul. In other words, people who didn't know who the hell Brüno really was.
After losing his status, Brüno and his other assistant, Lutz (Gustaf Hammarsten), a man he didn't even notice until Diesel abandoned him for someone more hip, go to America to rebuild Brüno's career. This involves making a horrible television show which actually has a scene where you see a man's penis swing around, stand up and say, "Brüno." The humor from this comes when they have an unsuspecting focus group watch and grade the show. Another funny sequence is when Brüno decides to stop being gay and consults with one of those religious "Pray out the Gay" conversion groups.
As Borat did before, Brüno pretty much defines the word gross. If you don't like gross humor, you won't like this humor because it's gross. There's the aforementioned talking penis, a scene where Brüno graphically gives oral sex to a ghost and the part where Brüno and Lutz wake up chained together in various types of S&M gear, particularly the used toilet brush inserted into Lutz's gag. Some scenes are painful to watch too, like the part where Brüno goes on a hunting trip and hits on one of the hunters, a man who has no idea this is an actor and that he's in no danger of becoming Brüno's bitch. Oh, there's also the part where Brüno tries to make a sex tape with Ron Paul.
I've spent a lot of time talking about the plot but the plot isn't particularly important to the movie. Oh, I suppose they needed one but it exists to string together a series of funny episodes.
I happen to think Brüno is very funny and that Sasha Baron Cohen is a fearless genius but he crosses the good taste line so often that I can't blame people who think it's not funny and that Cohen is a fearless jerk.
I revealed more of the movie than I wanted to but if I hadn't, the whole review would have been "ZOMG Brüno is fckin AWSUM!!! :) :) :)" and writing easy reviews like that could become a bad habit.
Brüno uses real people in Candid Camera-style encounters with Sasha Baron Cohen's character, a gay Austrian fashion reporter named...damn, what was that name...it'll come to me. Anyway, what's-his-name is supposedly one of the fashion world's top personalities who declares what is "In" and what is "Aus". He has it all: fame, money and a personal assistant named Diesel who is also his comically athletic boyfriend (I couldn't possibly do justice to a description of that, you'll have to see it). Unfortunately, Brüno (oh yeah, that was his name) makes a public fool out of himself at a fashion show and ends up on the "Aus" list. Actually, I think it's more likely that the fashion world got wind of what Cohen and crew were up to and put the word out which is probably why the plot shifted away from fashion shows and interviews with fashion personalities and onto people like hunters, pastors and even former Presidential candidate Ron Paul. In other words, people who didn't know who the hell Brüno really was.
After losing his status, Brüno and his other assistant, Lutz (Gustaf Hammarsten), a man he didn't even notice until Diesel abandoned him for someone more hip, go to America to rebuild Brüno's career. This involves making a horrible television show which actually has a scene where you see a man's penis swing around, stand up and say, "Brüno." The humor from this comes when they have an unsuspecting focus group watch and grade the show. Another funny sequence is when Brüno decides to stop being gay and consults with one of those religious "Pray out the Gay" conversion groups.
As Borat did before, Brüno pretty much defines the word gross. If you don't like gross humor, you won't like this humor because it's gross. There's the aforementioned talking penis, a scene where Brüno graphically gives oral sex to a ghost and the part where Brüno and Lutz wake up chained together in various types of S&M gear, particularly the used toilet brush inserted into Lutz's gag. Some scenes are painful to watch too, like the part where Brüno goes on a hunting trip and hits on one of the hunters, a man who has no idea this is an actor and that he's in no danger of becoming Brüno's bitch. Oh, there's also the part where Brüno tries to make a sex tape with Ron Paul.
I've spent a lot of time talking about the plot but the plot isn't particularly important to the movie. Oh, I suppose they needed one but it exists to string together a series of funny episodes.
I happen to think Brüno is very funny and that Sasha Baron Cohen is a fearless genius but he crosses the good taste line so often that I can't blame people who think it's not funny and that Cohen is a fearless jerk.
I revealed more of the movie than I wanted to but if I hadn't, the whole review would have been "ZOMG Brüno is fckin AWSUM!!! :) :) :)" and writing easy reviews like that could become a bad habit.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Victoria Re(tard)gina
There are minuses to self publishing your own blog. It's hard to attract readers. No one pays you. You get in fights with foreign countries*. The major plus, though, is the author's complete freedom. You can write about whatever you want any way you want and no one can say boo about it. Still, for my own sake, I have imposed some rules on myself. Some of those rules involves Big Hollywood, the conservative movie site. I have a rule that I don't write about them more than once a week. That hasn't been a problem lately since they've slid very far down the "Things That Amuse Michael Clear" scale. Another rule is that I stay with the theme of this site and only comment on Big Hollywood articles that deal with movies or some other show business topic. That's supposed to be their theme too but they ignore it 40% of the time.
Today, I break those rules so I can once again comment on the perfect storm of stupid and crazy that is Victoria Jackson. Stupid and crazy combine in Victoria Jackson in such a way that, if engineers ever figured out a way to harness the energy generated from that combination, it could power the Enterprise. I gave you all a small taste of this a few days ago in which she was too stupid to realize she had just threatened the life of Nancy Pelosi. I hit Blogger's Publish button thinking, "That's that," not realizing that she was just getting warmed up. This piece reads like something written by a schizophrenic. Here's Vicki thinking she's stumbled onto the true reason that the Obama administration wants to institute a public health plan.
But wait, she's not done. Remember, she's ranting about health care. You should remember that because she obviously forgot and started talking about some gift shop in which she started harassing the clerks.
The whole episode is similar to the amazement she expressed in her first article when the country failed to instantly turn against Obama when she called him a Communist on the O'Reilly Factor. She acts like a person who has just changed religions and wonders why other people don't convert too when she preaches The Revealed Truth to them. Those clerks did the same thing they would have done had she entered their store and started asking them if they were right with Jesus. They would have smiled, politely accepted a copy of The Watchtower and said, "Please come again," when they finally managed to get her the hell out of there. They did that because that's what people do when their jobs involve dealing with the public. Victoria Jackson didn't realize this because, as I have already said, she's a dangerous combination of nuts and stupid.
Oh, one more thing:
*That may just be me. I'm currently having a major spat with Lapland. I don't want to get into the details. Besides, they know what they did.
Today, I break those rules so I can once again comment on the perfect storm of stupid and crazy that is Victoria Jackson. Stupid and crazy combine in Victoria Jackson in such a way that, if engineers ever figured out a way to harness the energy generated from that combination, it could power the Enterprise. I gave you all a small taste of this a few days ago in which she was too stupid to realize she had just threatened the life of Nancy Pelosi. I hit Blogger's Publish button thinking, "That's that," not realizing that she was just getting warmed up. This piece reads like something written by a schizophrenic. Here's Vicki thinking she's stumbled onto the true reason that the Obama administration wants to institute a public health plan.
Social Security and Medicare are broke. Baby boomers, like me, are getting old and will soon be asking for it. Socialized medicine makes people die. You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, and someone like the DMV person, who can’t speak English, has chewing gum, an attitiude, really long fake nails that curl up at the end, and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you. They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare!Stupid, yes, but still vaguely coherent. Don't worry though, I promised batshit insanity and batshit insanity is what you will get.
Hitler did this. He killed the weak, the sick, the old, and babies and races/religions he didn’t like. Hitler also controlled the media. (Where’s the public debate between scientists on “Climate Change/Global Warming?”) Hitler had the VW bug invented as the state car. What will O’s nationalized car be? So… kill off the weak. That’s the plan. Tax the workers to death. Erase the middle class. Sounds like the evil governments we studied in high school long ago. The evil governments were : kings, oligarchies, facist, socialist, and communist. Now it’s called the Obama Administration. Sounds like candy or a rock band.OH YEAH, BABY! Psychiatry students could write a doctoral thesis on those two paragraphs alone. I'm not even sure how to make fun of it. This is something I would have written if I were doing a parody of a right wing nut ranting about health care reform, except I might have tossed in something about using public health care to create a one world government run by atheist homosexuals. Also, I wouldn't have misspelled fascist.
But wait, she's not done. Remember, she's ranting about health care. You should remember that because she obviously forgot and started talking about some gift shop in which she started harassing the clerks.
I was browsing in a Burbank gift shop yesterday and I asked the store owner how business was doing. She smiled, “Well, you know, hit and miss. I’m sure it will be better soon.” The store was empty.It goes on like that. Oh Lord, does it ever go on. She berates these poor shop clerks with all sorts of right wing talking points about taxpayer funded late term abortions, cap and trade legislation and how Obama will use national health care to decide who lives and who dies. I want to congratulate the clerks for the bravery they showed in not running away screaming. Victoria Jackson perceived their silence to be some sort of character flaw. She thought this because she's a complete and total idiot. If this were a movie, you would assume that her character was an alien who had just arrived here and knew nothing about human behavior.
I apologized for not buying anything. “I’m sorry, but my husband now cringes when I order a Hazelnut Iced Coffee at McDonald’s, so I can’t really buy anything.”
Her smile hardened.
“You know, I’ve been speaking at Tea Parties lately. No one seems to know or care that our country just turned Socialist.”
She stared at me like a deer caught in head lights.
The whole episode is similar to the amazement she expressed in her first article when the country failed to instantly turn against Obama when she called him a Communist on the O'Reilly Factor. She acts like a person who has just changed religions and wonders why other people don't convert too when she preaches The Revealed Truth to them. Those clerks did the same thing they would have done had she entered their store and started asking them if they were right with Jesus. They would have smiled, politely accepted a copy of The Watchtower and said, "Please come again," when they finally managed to get her the hell out of there. They did that because that's what people do when their jobs involve dealing with the public. Victoria Jackson didn't realize this because, as I have already said, she's a dangerous combination of nuts and stupid.
Oh, one more thing:
I got into my fuel efficient economy car, with the leopard seat covers, and the bumper that used to have the “I RESIST SOCIALISM” bumper sticker, until it got smashed, and I drove away thinking, “Ignorance is Bliss.”Miss Jackson, I broke my rules for you so please STOP BITCHING ABOUT THAT DAMN BUMPER STICKER. You complained about it in the first article too. Buy another bumper sticker. I suspect someone told you it was a unique custom made bumper sticker and got you to pay $5000 for it, money you shelled out because you're an idiot.
*That may just be me. I'm currently having a major spat with Lapland. I don't want to get into the details. Besides, they know what they did.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Look At My Briefs -- 7/9/09
Ready to Look At My Briefs one more time? Okay, here we go.
I can't wait to see this new MacGruber movie. After all, if there's one truly reliable source of quality comedy, it's movies based on SNL sketches. Who can forget cinematic classic like The Ladies Man or Night At The Roxbury? The fact that the sketches themselves are just quick parodies of MacGuyver and don't much in the way of character development or continuous narrative is actually good news since the filmmakers will now be free to do whatever they want. Maybe MacGruber is in a band or raises alpacas for their wool. They could do all that and more. I just wish I could buy my ticket now.
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I just got the DVD of Knowing, the thought provoking science fiction film from Alex Proyas and starring Nicolas Cage. Knowing so thoroughly captivated me that I wrote two different reviews, one normal review and another full of spoilers. Knowing is still an odd experience for me as I honestly can't say to this day whether I consider it to be a good movie. There's so much of it that bothers me yet I keep coming back to it. I'll probably end up writing a third review after I watch the DVD.
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Wait a minute, Baywatch was something we weren't supposed to laugh at?
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I can't wait to see Torchwood: Children of Earth. Everything I've seen and read says this broken show has been fixed and that you will be glued to the television screen. There are shows in America that would probably be better if they were reduced to a single storyline told over a handful of episodes each year.
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Today's Michael Jackson coverage:
You know what else was a great movie based on a Saturday Night Live character? Superstar, the movie about Molly Shannon's Mary Catherine Gallagher. It's full of so many classically funny moments that they overloaded my memory and I can't recall a single one. Will Farrell played Jesus in that. You know that must have been funny. Let's hope MacGruber can be as good as Superstar.
I can't wait to see this new MacGruber movie. After all, if there's one truly reliable source of quality comedy, it's movies based on SNL sketches. Who can forget cinematic classic like The Ladies Man or Night At The Roxbury? The fact that the sketches themselves are just quick parodies of MacGuyver and don't much in the way of character development or continuous narrative is actually good news since the filmmakers will now be free to do whatever they want. Maybe MacGruber is in a band or raises alpacas for their wool. They could do all that and more. I just wish I could buy my ticket now.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I just got the DVD of Knowing, the thought provoking science fiction film from Alex Proyas and starring Nicolas Cage. Knowing so thoroughly captivated me that I wrote two different reviews, one normal review and another full of spoilers. Knowing is still an odd experience for me as I honestly can't say to this day whether I consider it to be a good movie. There's so much of it that bothers me yet I keep coming back to it. I'll probably end up writing a third review after I watch the DVD.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Wait a minute, Baywatch was something we weren't supposed to laugh at?
------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't wait to see Torchwood: Children of Earth. Everything I've seen and read says this broken show has been fixed and that you will be glued to the television screen. There are shows in America that would probably be better if they were reduced to a single storyline told over a handful of episodes each year.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's Michael Jackson coverage:
- Some guy who sold Michael an ice cream cone when Michael was 12 will discuss how open and personable he was and say this is typical of people who order what Michael did: Chocolate Chip Butter Brickle.
- Fans crying outside of Michael's home will be approached by reporters and be asked how Michael's death affected them. One will talk at length about how Michael's beautiful spirit will never truly leave us. Another will say, "You can see we're crying, right? How the hell do you THINK it affected us?"
- Cameras will flock around Michael's grave when reports start coming in that Michael is being assumed into Heaven. These reports turn out to be wrong.
You know what else was a great movie based on a Saturday Night Live character? Superstar, the movie about Molly Shannon's Mary Catherine Gallagher. It's full of so many classically funny moments that they overloaded my memory and I can't recall a single one. Will Farrell played Jesus in that. You know that must have been funny. Let's hope MacGruber can be as good as Superstar.
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