Monday, June 29, 2009

A "Fun" Movie

I try to keep cursing to a minimum. I do that as a gesture to my readers who may be sensitive to that sort of language and so those words will retain some of their power. It's not something I like to do casually even in real life and reserve it for times of strong emotion or for comic effect. Now that you know all that, you should be able to appreciate the full magnitude of this.

Transfomers: Revenge of the Fallen is the one of the worst, biggest fucking pieces of worthless shit in the history of bad, huge fucking pieces of worthless shit. Had Michael Bay filmed himself taking a diarrhea crap or popping a pus blister on his cock, it would have been more interesting and entertaining than Transformers. I'd also like to send a special "Go fuck yourself you squealing little douchebag" to Shia LeBeouf for trying to provide himself and this movie some cover by describing it as a Fun Movie that only haters of Fun could possibly find intolerable, a move I suspect he made to explain the moment in the movie when he realizes the sexy girl with whom he's making out is actually a Decepticon and he literally screams like a girl. The audience laughed out loud when he did that.

Turns out my fake Tranformers Liveblog was wrong. Here's how the first part of the movie actually went.

After a brief, pointless recap of a Decepticon visit to Earth 17,000 years ago, we jump to modern times in the Chinese city of Shanghai. It turns out that the Decepticons who had been destroyed in the first movie weren't really destroyed and they're actually running around all over the world causing random bits of havoc. They're always met by an elite fighting unit made up of the American soldiers played by Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson from the first movie and the Autobots led by Optimus Prime. Thanks to Michael Bay's trademark A.D.D. inducing quick cuts, it's difficult to tell who is actually winning the extended battle sequence until you see that Optimus is still standing. We then get to hear the majestic, noble Optimus Prime, a character known for his flowery speeches about the importance of freedom, refer to his defeated enemy as a, "punkass Decepticon," a line that really sounds more like it written by a 14 year old boy in his first attempt at Transformers fan fiction.

I suppose I could also bring up the fact that a series of circumstances doesn't exist in which the Chinese government would allow U.S. soldiers and their powerful alien allies free reign through one of their cities but what the hell. This is a Fun Movie, after all.

Oh yeah, one of the Decepticons muttered something about the Fallen before it was destroyed and how the Fallen will rise and I think something about how much he loved grilled cheese. I was too busy twittering on my phone to pay attention.

Then we see Shia LeBeouf playing good old Sam Witwicky. You may remember him from the first movie. That was when giant shapeshifting robots crossed the galaxy on a sacred mission to help Sam in his epic battle against his parents and his noble quest to nail the hottest girl in school. Remember that stupid All-Spark thing that Megatron and his Decepticons wanted to make machines come to life before Sam used it to destroy Megatron? Yeah, I didn't commit it to memory either but the new movie reminds us. Turns out there was a small shard of the All-Spark stuck to the clothes he wore when all that happened and the shard transferred some information to his brain when he touched it. Why such a thing didn't happen when he touched the whole damn All-Spark with his bare hands is never explained, probably because such an explanation would have made the movie less Fun.

After Sam touches it, the shard starts bringing his household appliances to life but he's saved by his Autobot guardian Bumblebee. Since Sam apparently has the attention span of an artichoke, Sam informs the Autobot that he's can't accompany Sam to MIT because he wants a normal life minutes after Bumblebee saves his life from the distinctly non-normal army of living blenders and toasters. It makes as much sense as what Sam decided to do with the shard. Does he call the government or contact Optimus Prime and say, "Hey, you know that All-Spark thingie that almost destroyed us all? Turns out I have a piece of it and it's still active. Could you come and dispose of it please?" That's what an Intelligent Movie would have done, but this is a Fun Movie so instead he has his girlfriend, Mikaela, take it home with her.

Speaking of the girl played by Megan Fox, Sam has actually decided to move away from his insanely hot girlfriend figuring that she'll stay faithful because his weak, character-free chin has ruined her for all other men. The problem with having someone like Mikaela as his girlfriend is that it doesn't make him the least bit suspicious when a super sexy coed decides on their first meeting that she must have his twig shaped body. He just assumes this to be the natural order of things and doesn't realize that she's really a Decepticon trying to get the information in his brain.

All of this happens IN THE FIRST 30 FUCKING MINUTES of a 150 minute movie. Here's some other stuff you get to see:
  • The government's dumb idea to dump Megatron in the ocean, secure in the knowledge that the fast, resourceful and highly advanced Decepticons will never get past a couple of submarines and revive him.
  • Shia LeBeouf shaking like he has fleas during an All-Spark induced episode.
  • A miniature Transformer dry humping Megan Fox's leg.
  • Rainn Wilson as a professor who creepily flirts with his female students.
  • Those female students actually responding to said creepy flirtations.
  • John Turturro's naked ass.
  • A climactic battle sequence in which you're supposed to keep track of around 8 different plot threads through endless explosions and Michael Bay's patented incoherent editing style.
  • A Deus Ex Machina ending.
Oh, almost forgot about two new Autobots named Mudflap and Skids. A lot of people have complained about them as being offensive racial stereotypes since they talk like caricatures of black gang members. Honestly, I didn't even notice that. Mudflap and Skids were far too busy annoying the everloving shit out of me with their endless stupid unfunny jokes to offend me with any sort of racial stereotypes they may have represented.

Something I said above really sums up this whole review. The movie is written in the style of and with a level of quality similar to fan fiction. I'm surprised there wasn't someone in the writing credits with the name OptimusLover69 from Sadly, it broke box office records which means we're going to see all these assholes again in a couple of years. Until then, we can try to suppress the memories of endless explosions and Shia Lebeuof's womanly shrieks. Some of us may even succeed. At least it'll be Fun to try.

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