The Good, The Bad and the Silly

Today I focus on two struggling science fiction shows that either face cancellation or have already received their death sentences.

Flash Forward, the show in which everyone in the world were given visions of their future, deserves to go but is currently slated to get at least one more chance. I try to like this show, I really do, but every time it makes me think it's going to be something special they do something supremely silly. I mean silly on an epic scale. The previous episode in which an American doctor searches for a Japanese girl he met in his flash forward was pretty good and had a genuine surprise at the end. This made me look forward to the next episode or, as I now refer to it, the episode that kicked me in the crotch.

The latest episode, titled "A561984", showed us FBI agents Mark Benford and Demetri Noh heading to Hong Kong to track down a woman who told Demetri he was destined to die next March. They did this even though their superior, Stanford Wedeck, told them not to and they ignore him when he tells them to come home. Thus, Wedeck gets to join the large pantheon of high ranking law enforcement officers who have to deal with loners who sometimes have to break the rules to get the job done. Anyway, Benford and Noh track down the Persian woman at a Hong Kong restaurant and manage to get some information out of her, specifically that Noh will die because Benford shoots him. After that she says, "I can't tell you any more." Why was she able to tell them that but not any more? Shut up, that's why. Benford then does what any of us would do. He pulls his gun while she's surrounded by armed guards and tries to take her...well, who knows where the fuck he was going to take her in a city run by the Chinese. Oh, I bet you didn't know American FBI agents were allowed to carry guns in Communist China. I didn't either but if Flash Forward says they can I guess it must be true. As Benford put very little thought into this major felony, he didn't figure that one of the advantages of being an authoritarian police state is that the police show up very quickly when a maniac is holding someone at gun point in the middle of the street. But hey, it's not the Chinese who show up but rather a CIA tactical squad. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the Chinese allow the CIA free reign in the streets of Hong Kong, another thing I now know thanks to Flash Forward. After this, Wedeck gets to do another thing that many high ranking law enforcement officers in movies and television have done. He orders Benford to turn in his badge and his gun.

To sum up: an experienced FBI agent thought it was a good idea to defy his boss, kidnap someone in public in the middle of China only to have the whole plan thwarted by American agents IN CHINA. When Flash Forward first came on, I mentioned how worried I was that this brainchild of Brannon Braga would be stupid and I was right. I hear that Flash Forward is being retooled and won't be back until March. I can't see it getting any better unless they bring Graham Chapman back from the dead so he can put on his colonel's uniform and loudly announce whenever things get too silly.

Moving on to show number two: Dollhouse. I was not a fan of Dollhouse's first season. It was amazing to me that I didn't like a show made by Joss Whedon but I just couldn't be entertained by the idea of these people being used as slaves and prostitutes. I only watched season two because of the season one finale with Alan Tudyk as a rogue Doll called Alpha and an unaired episode on the season one DVD showed some promise. Season two did have some improvements but not enough to draw in new viewers and Fox has already announced its cancellation. I wouldn't have cared too much except that this week's episode was good. I mean really, really good. One of the things that always made Joss Whedon's shows entertaining was the quality of the villains. People (or possibly creatures) like Spike, Darla, the Mayor and the First were worthy protagonists to Buffy and were fully fleshed out characters who kept us coming back. Dollhouse had a little of this with Alpha which is why I watched season two. It wasn't until this week, though, that Dollhouse really came into its own thanks to a new villain.

Summer Glau was introduced this week as Bennett Halverson. After the corporation that runs the Dollhouse captured Eliza Dushku's Echo, they brought her to see Bennett Halverson, a brilliant programmer who apparently has a history with Echo's original personality, enough of a history that she starts torturing Echo. She is interrupted by Echo's main programmer, Topher Brink, and that's where it gets interesting. Topher and Bennett are instantly attracted to each other and we see Bennett and Topher nervously and genuinely flirt with each other while simultaneously working against each other. Bennett is revealed as funny and nerdy as she is malevolent and sadistic and is the kind of character who would make me watch this show every week. That is, if Fox hadn't already canceled it. They did say they were going to make sure the storyline was wrapped up so at least we'll have that. I'm not sure whose fault it is that it took the better part of a year for this show to find its legs though I'm betting the guilty party's name rhymes with Cox Cetwork.

So, the show I like goes down the tubes while the dumb show gets to go on and on. The good news is that Joss Whedon will now have time to make more Doctor Horrible films while Brannon Braga will now be too busy to attempt the same thing. That's something, I suppose.

Boy On The Side

The audience for The Blind Side will find it to be filled with twists and surprises unless they've ever turned on ESPN in the past few years. Anyone who's done that they'd have seen a fellow named Michael Oher playing left tackle for Ole' Miss before being a first round draft pick for the Baltimore Ravens. That sort of takes the suspense out of anything you may see playing out on the screen. The kid isn't going to die of leukemia or suffer a career ending game injury or have his leg gnawed off by a badger the day before his first big game or however the hell sports movies usually end. Hell, as of this writing he's scheduled to play the Packers on Monday Night Football. This is a problem since the movie isn't all that great and would have been more entertaining, for me at least, had I not known it would all turn out all right. Quality-wise, this movie is about as good as another recent movie about a real life football player overcoming adversity called The Express. The difference for me is that I didn't know much about that story so the suspense was enough to hold my attention. Not so with The Blind Side.

Sandra Bullock apparently never received the memo that women her age aren't supposed to have successful Hollywood careers and stars in her third movie, and second big hit, this year as Leigh Anne Tuohy, a Memphis interior decorator who is used to having the world around her bend to the force of her will. Through a series of circumstances, she meets a homeless boy named Michael Oher. Leigh Anne doesn't seem like the overly sentimental type but she takes him into her life and the lives of her family because Michael is one of the most decent people she's ever met and he has no one else. Leigh Anne is a huge football fan and the movie opens with a monologue from her describing the famous moment when Lawrence Taylor sacked Jim Theisman. Theisman's career ended and the importance of the left tackle was elevated since they had to protect the quarterback from guys like Lawrence Taylor. Leigh Anne quickly realizes that Michael possesses the physical gifts that would make him an excellent left tackle and from then on the movie becomes the story of Michael and his new family overcoming any obstacles that stand between Michael and his destiny to play in the NFL.

The Blind Side isn't a particularly bad movie. It's also not a particularly good movie. It's just...bleh. Sandra Bullock's good as is Tim McGraw as her husband but Quintin Aaron who plays Michael always seems to be asleep. Michael is supposed to be a very withdrawn person who, due to his lack of education (though it turns out he's quite intelligent), simply stares at the ground when people speak to him because he doesn't understand a great deal of what they're saying. The problem with that is that neither the actor nor the filmmakers could make that something that was particularly interesting to watch.

The Blind Side is a feel-good movie and I did feel good coming out of the movie, partly because for once a nice guy didn't finish last and partly because the movie was over. It's also teaches poor black people that the best way to change their circumstances is to be adopted by rich white people. That, I think, is a lesson that could benefit us all.

Happy Birthday To THIS GUY!!!

Today's my birthday so this is all you get. I, on the other hand, get to relax while getting ready for the surprise birthday party you all are planning for me. Don't worry, I'll look surprised.

An Open Letter To Kate Beckinsale

Dear Kate,

Can I call you Kate? I'm sure I can. You seem like a nice person. Your character in Whiteout was nice so that means you must be nice in real life, right? Heck, even when you played a vampire it was a nice vampire who would probably let me call her Kate except Kate wasn't her name so she would look at me like I was crazy if I did that. Still, you see what I mean.

So Kate, you're probably wondering why I wanted to talk with you. I have a proposition that I think could be mutually beneficial. I'd like you to accompany me to a showing of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. I know you think I'm either joking or insane but hear me out.

I write movie reviews so I end up seeing most major releases even if I think they're going to blow. However, there's no damn way I'm ever going to be caught dead in a theater if a movie has words like "The Squeakquel" in the title or whose poster has a tagline like "Get Munked". I would, however, go if you were my escort. That way, whenever something stupid happened, I could look over to you and say, "Wow, Kate Beckinsale, that sure was stupid," or, "Wow, I'm actually out with Kate Beckinsale at this stupid movie."

Here's you laughing at an insanely clever observation I just made about the movie.
How can you possibly turn this down?

At this point you're thinking, "What's in this for me, the awesome Kate Beckinsale?" You have kids whose young, innocent minds would actually think Squeakquelising or Getting Munked is a good idea and will almost certainly want to see this movie. They'll nag and cry and scream that whether you take them to this movie or not is the ultimate test of your maternal love. Good luck getting even your husband to go with you too. What sane individual would want see some dumb movie about squeaky voiced rodents even if it was with you? THIS GUY, that's who.

This is a win/win for both of us. In fact, I think you're the one who's coming out ahead in this deal which gives me the confidence to add a few conditions.

1. You must make out with me for at least 60% of the movie. I won't demand to touch boob or anything though I'm not taking it off the table.
2. As we're leaving the theater, you must loudly say, "I got plans for you, stallion." That's ambiguous enough to give you plausible deniability in case any tabloids report on it. Again, you don't actually have to do anything though if something happened naturally, well, we're both adults, if you get my meaning.
3. You must dress like this:
   

Hopefully you held onto this though I'm sure
there are costume shops who would rent you one.

These terms can be negotiated (you could wear less, for instance) but I get the feeling this is a done deal and look forward to having a good time Squeakeling with you.

Note: if you choose not to do this, I'll tell people it's because you're a lesbian. I apologize in advance.

Look At My Briefs -- 12/3/09

This will be the last edition of Look At My Briefs before my birthday this Monday. To celebrate this fact, I present to you another edition of my brief comments on various subjects called Look At My Briefs.

Good Lord, Twilight 3 is coming out IN JUNE? At least with the last one we had a year to decompress. I see the Earth swallowing up the world's movie theaters ran than allow Eclipse to be set loose on the world so soon. Even worse news is that the director is the same guy who made the boring 30 Days of Night. Oh well, they haven't even started working on Breaking Dawn, one of the craziest things ever put on paper, so we'll have a nice, long Twilight break after June.

I think Zombieland was a case of lightning in a bottle but I'm happy to see a sequel is being made and will be equally happy if my "lighting in a bottle" comment is proven wrong.

Of all the things in the world to get pissed off about, whether a movie star's daughter wears high heels is on the same level as having a complete meltdown because a piece of the Colonel's Original Recipe found its way into your bucket of Extra Crispy. Seriously, world, get over yourselves. You're not better people because Suri Cruise wears heels and your kid doesn't.

I had planned to comment on this but everything I wrote eventually turned into "HOT GIRLS SCREWING WOO HOO" so I shall leave it alone.

I'm happy to see I'm not the only who noticed that Scyfyie's new show Haven is based on Stephen King's The Colorado Kid in the same way that Little Women could be described as being based on The Colorado Kid.

I have no idea what they had to choose from but I find it hard to believe that the Sundance people couldn't find some lighter films. Indie comedies can be wonderful things but I suspect that both the people in charge of selecting these movies as well as the filmmakers themselves find depressing drama to be more "important" than comedies which are more difficult to make. If they weren't, why are there so few good ones? Hold your loved ones close if they're heading to Sundance this year as there's a better than average chance they'll slash their wrists before the festival is over.

I'm really looking forward to next summer's release of Iron Man 2: The Squeaquel.

Not At All About The Benjamins

So far this week I've reviewed a somewhat boring martial arts movie and a fairly lame comedy. These are both examples of standard, predictable films that Hollywood insists on making again and again, over and over, ad infinitum, unto the end of the world. A billion years from now when the Sun goes nova people will be in a theater watching a movie about a two fisted loner cop who has to go outside the system to deal with a gang of sadistic drug dealers who killed his partner. The cop will be a robot, his partner will be from Mars and the drug dealers will be lobsters who have evolved to human levels of intelligence but the plot will be the same otherwise. They probably won't be watching a movie like Franklyn.

Franklyn came out earlier in the year. I liked the look of the trailer and was annoyed that this British fantasy wasn't slated for a U.S. premiere. The movie is about four very damaged people living in London trying to put their lives back together. There's Emilia (Eva Green), a depressed artist trying to incorporate her own suicide into a performance piece. You also have Peter Esser (Bernard Hill), an older man looking for his son who escaped from a mental institution. Milo (Sam Riley) is a recently divorced man trying to track down his childhood sweetheart. Finally, you have Ryan Phillipe playing Jonathan Preest, the character who makes the movie really freaky and was probably the reason that American theaters didn't want to show this movie. Preest is a superhero who lives in an alternate world called Meanwhile City, a dark, depressing place ruled by an oppressive theocracy. Preest is the city's ultimate enemy. In Meanwhile City, you can follow any faith you want up to and including a religion built around washing machine instructions. Preest is the one thing you're not allowed to be: an atheist. It's odd to me that Preest's story about a superhero in an alternate, fictional world was actually the easiest of the four storylines to follow.

I almost stopped watching Franklyn during it's first half. It's basically four different movies that are, to varying degrees, depressing. It was mainly Preest's story and the wonderfully imaginative dystopian world he lived in that kept me watching. It became engrossing only when you begin to figure out what's really going on, find out how these four are connected and discover why the hell the movie is called Franklyn. After that, I couldn't turn away.

This is a truly original film. There are no scenes where someone says, "I have a bad feeling about this," or car chases in the Los Angeles River. It's dumb that this never showed in U.S. theaters, especially if the reason was a perception that it was pro-atheist since anyone who's actually seen the movie can tell you it wasn't. At least we have DVDs that give us access to these lost and neglected films so now at least I can recommend that you add Franklyn to your Netflix queue. If not, have fun in the theaters watching movies about sparkly vampires fighting ninjas while Los Angeles falls into the sea.

This Dog Bites

I think Robin Williams decided long ago that he was tired of doing comedies so he decided that they would never rise above the level of lame. How else do you explain one of the world's quickest wits making comedies like RV, Man of the Year and the mindbogglingly stupid License to Wed? This policy could also extend to sentimental melodramas which explains the suck factor of Jack, Patch Adams, The Bicentennial Man and August Rush. No, Williams prefers making intelligent, effective dramas which is why his best work has been in movies like Good Will Hunting, Insomnia and One Hour Photo. Need more proof that I'm right? Watch Old Dogs and say you disagree with me.

Old Dogs is about two successful New York sports marketing executives named Dan (Williams) and Charlie (John Travolta). Judging by their behavior, I would say that these two characters had never before encountered other human beings until the moment this movie began. Every time they're in the same room with other people it's like they go out of their way to make things awkward and uncomfortable. During a critical meeting with clients from Japan who could potentially bring them $50 million in new business, Charlie figures the best way to break the ice is to tell an extremely embarrassing story about Dan in which, after Dan's divorce, they went to Vegas. After drinking a huge amount of alcohol, Dan ended up getting a huge tattoo on his chest which somehow attracted Vicki (Kelly Preston), a woman who gets equally drunk and ends up marrying Dan and getting the whole thing annulled the next day. Because it was convenient for the plot, Vicki waited seven years to tell Dan that their beautiful drunk sex resulted in the birth of twins.

This puts the characters on a collision course not so much with wackiness but with abject stupidity. As I said, Dan and Charlie don't seem to know how to deal with other human beings and were apparently unaware of the existence of children before these two kids came into their lives. Should six year olds see Friday the 13th? Sure, why not? Should you kiss your daughter goodnight or shake her hand? At least Williams figured out afterward how stupid that was.

The movie's greatest sin is that so many of the jokes fail but the reason they fail is because the characters are so unbelievably stupid. Thus, the movie is unbelievably stupid. I will point out that the kids in the audience seemed to love it as kids not even born yet will laugh ten years from now when the same damn movie is made. Until then, we get to guess what sort of comedy stinker Robin Williams will choose as his next project. Will he play a Buddhist monk who must coach a children's hockey team? An alien trying to understand this thing humans call love? A hardboiled New York cop who joins a rural chapter of the Canadian mounties? I can't wait to find out.