Friday, June 3, 2011

Things I've Learned From Watching Movies Part 91

They say major Hollywood releases are mindless, intellectual wastelands but I say they teach the best lessons of all. For example:

Just because you've squeezed every last drop of story and then some from a concept that's already been the subject of four movies doesn't mean you shouldn't try again.

Outdated methods of recording can be made into incredible action flicks. This opens the door for monster movies about Betamax and zip discs.

The addition of Heather Graham to the cast means it's perfectly acceptable to jack off to a kid's movie. Seriously, go ahead and whip it out. The theaters will be totally cool with it.

The end of the world is near. The fact that this movie exists is proof.

This movie may or may not be good. It's hard to tell because it stars Ryan Reynolds and you can't trust the judgement of a guy who got sick of fucking Scarlett Johannson.

That Wisconsin governor may have a point about teachers.

If you make a touching fantasy movie about learning to live for others and trying to preserve a precious way of life that's in danger of coming to an end, be sure the sequel is about spies and shit like that.

I'm telling you, we are truly in the last days. Need even more proof. How about this?

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