Friday, April 29, 2011

Royal Pain

I did a Liveblog last week yet here I am, doing another one. I space them out mainly because they are time consuming and I don't often look forward to spending several hours watching a bad movie and trying to find funny things to say. However, this one had to be done today or not at all. This premiered on American television just a few short days ago. If you follow me on Twitter, you know I already saw part of this but there has never been a more timely entry to this category than the Lifetime Network's William and Kate.

0:00:15 -- Jesus, I didn't even get 30 seconds in. A title card came up saying, "Inspired by true events." After muttering, "No shit," what occurred to me was the meaning of that phrase. If a movie claims to be based on true events, that means it takes some pains to adhere to the facts it's portraying. If it says it's INSPIRED by a true story, that means they took the true events and ran naked and crazy with them through the street. For example, Last House On The Left, a movie set in 1970's America, was "inspired" by a 13th century Swedish folktale. The more you know.

0:11:00 -- William and his dad (I didn't catch his name) show up for William's first day at university. Dad keeps saying, "This is what you mother would have wanted." Did his mom die or something? I'm sure this is one of the movie's exciting secrets. Naturally, this is something that would draw a great deal of public and media attention which is why nearly a dozen people showed up to witness his very public arrival. I suppose that's a lot considering the movie's budget. Everyone seems excited that they are attending the same school as the guy who only needs two people to die to ascend to the throne of the United Kingdom. Everyone, that is, except for a lovely young brunette named Kate who couldn't appear to be more underwhelmed if she were a Star Wars fan watching Phantom Menace for the first time. William settles in and starts making friends with either the school's dullest or douchiest students before going to his first class and who should wind up in his study group but the girl who couldn't care less that he's there. She has a boyfriend anyway so I'm sure any and all romantic prospects are off the table. William and Kate are played by...oh hell, I don't know and I'm not looking it up.

I think I look more like William than this guy.
Hell, I think I look more like Kate Middleton.

0:24:20 -- Kate starts spending lots more time than one normally would with a guy she doesn't care about who's not her boyfriend but I guess that's what the kids these days do along with extensive time on Facebook and casual buttsex. Will tells Prince Dad that he wants to transfer from St. Andrews to Cambridge but Charles says no so the whole scene, much like the rest of the movie, was a big waste of time. Back at St. Andrews, all the girls we've met so far participate in a charity fashion show. Luckily, St. Andrews appears to have a strictly enforced NO FAT CHICKS policy so it's very entertaining. William also notices for the first time that Kate is hot and all it took was for her to walk out on stage in a see through dress. Sadly, Kate is the only girl in Great Britain who doesn't masturbate with a Prince William bobble head doll and insists to him that they're just friends when he tries to kiss her.

"As you no doubt feel, Kate, I was educated by an ancient order of Indian shamans in the art of fingering a woman."

0:45:00 -- Wills brought Kate and several other friends home for the weekend. Unfortunately, Prince Charles had recently had the stick in his ass replaced with a larger one so the whole affair was quite uncomfortable until Kate managed to kill a pheasant when they went hunting. Will was so impressed by her ability to kill helpless birds with a shotgun that he agrees to share a flat with her and the two friends who came along. This gives Will and Kate plenty of time to awkwardly rub up against each other until Kate just can't stand it anymore and starts sleeping with him. They try hiding it from their roommates who they think don't notice when Kate screams at William night after night to conquer her colonies. Things go great for a while until she goes to a charity benefit he's hosting and His Royal Dullness pulls the genius move of ignoring her the whole night while lavishing attention on an old girlfriend. Kate storms out having come to the conclusion that he would never marry a commoner such as herself. If only that's how things had happened like that so we wouldn't have wall to wall Royal Wedding coverage.

As a handsome man with a chin, actor Ben Cross was woefully unqualified to play Prince Charles.

1:34:00 -- Let me explain why you've heard nothing from me for the last 45 minutes. After William won Kate back by singing to her (and showing us all why there's never been an album released called Prince William Sings The Classics), the movie then repeated the same cycle over and over. William and Kate would be all cute and cuddly for a few minutes then Kate would get all annoyed by the restrictions of royal life and constant paparazzi harassment and then they'd be all adorable again until once again they were bothered by photographers or some A-hole would lecture Kate on how woefully unprepared she was for life amongst William's family. This happened, I think, 57 times until Kate finally broke it off. William got Kate back by threatening to jump into a river while she was coaching a crew team and she figured any man willing to jump into a river was worth never having a moment to herself again and they get engaged in Africa in surrounded by lovely stock footage of wild animals and that's it. The rest is what you're watching on your television screens today. I hope reading this was more entertaining.

After agreeing to marry him, Will reveals to Kate his greatest secret, that he's only 4 feet tall.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 4/28/11

Oh yes, your eyes aren't lying. It's time for another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs...only not here. As with most things, it's over at Examiner.com but don't worry. It's just one click away.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

To Avenge Jesus, I Crucified A Roman

I let him go when he promised to go back to Romeland or whatever they hell they call it and get people to become Christians there. I can't wait to check and see how successful this was. You can thank me by checking out my review of Water For Elephants and telling your friends, family and randpm strangers to do the same.

Friday, April 22, 2011

2 Little, 2 Late

Hey folks. I suppose you think I've been neglecting this blog now that I have that new, glamorous, low paying gig at the Examiner and you'd be right. Therefore, today you get another one of my internationally famous Liveblogs, those posts in which I find a movie on Netflix I haven't seen and do humorous, real-time comments. Since next week we get to see the fifth installment of what was probably never meant to be a never ending story, I thought to day would be a good time to look back to where it almost all began. So strap yourselves in for a movie whose title doubtless caused whoever thought of it to jack off to his own cleverness. I am, of course, talking about 2 Fast, 2 Furious.

0:16:00 -- I normally chime in before now but very little has actually happened. This opening has been an extended illegal street race in what I think is Miami and, since I have zero interest in looking it up, definitely is Miami. Miami has an extremely ineffective police force since literally hundreds of people gather to watch four high performance automobiles race at dangerous speeds through the city's downtown and not a single cop manages to take notice. Vin Diesel was, of course, in the first movie but, since his career was going so well at the time, he was able to bow out of the sequel. I'm sure Vin will always be a huge star and never have to do one of these Fast and Furious movies again. Stepping in as the main character is Paul Walker who is reprising his role as Brian O'Connor from the first movie. I think he was an undercover cop who let Vin Diesel's criminal character go in the first movie since cool guys who can drive should never be locked up but again, since I can't believe any of this will be important, I'm not looking it up. Now he street races professionally and I must say that, even though it's unsafe, street racing seems to have one of the most rigidly enforced ethnic diversity programs in the country as all 4 contestants are from different races. They also all carry around $35,000 just in case someone challenged them to a side bet which Brian does. He wins and it looks like his real prize will be a gorgeous Latina played by Eva Mendes but FINALLY the cops show up and disable Brian's car with some sort of EMP device that looks like it could take down the Enterprise.

"Hey folks. Who's a guy gotta blow to get a Fluffernutter around here?"

0:36:00 -- It turns out the cops were targeting O'Connor because they want him to go undercover to help bust a drug lord. This makes sense since the one guy you'd want in a sensitive undercover mission is the guy who let the target of his previous sensitive undercover mission go. Brian says he wants an old pal and fellow street racer, Roman Pierce, along for the venture though this may be difficult since Brian is responsible for sending Roman to prison. Roman is played by former male model Tyrese Gibson which leads me to the conclusion that MY GOD, STREET RACERS ARE GOOD LOOKING. Seriously, seeing those two together is making me regret not being gay right now. Roman agrees after a promise to wipe his criminal record clean and they again meet Eva Mendes who turns out to be playing another undercover cop named Monica Fuentes who is working for the drug lord, Carter Verone. Verone wants our adorable pair and some other drivers to audition to see who gets to work for him. They have to break into a police auto lot and retrieve a package from Verone's impounded Ferrari. Let me tell you all right now that, if you ever fancied the idea of driving along the highway at speeds exceeding 120 MPH so you could be the first one to break into a police impound lot, Miami is definitely the place to do this since they didn't attract even a small amount of police attention. When they get back, Roman rags on Brian for checking Monica out and demands to know why. Allow me to answer: he checked her out because she looks like Eva fucking Mendes. Moron.

Uh, yeah, this isn't what it looks like.

1:05:00 -- This movie is very well made. It looks nice, the actors can speak without drooling. There are two problems. Problem one: the plot is very thin but that would be all right since the plot mainly exists as a clothesline upon which to hang car chases. Problem two: the car chases. Oh, they look good. Director John Singleton and everyone else involved knew what they were doing technically. The problem is that every car chase is the same. Brian and Roman are racing around for various reasons and come close to losing until Brian, with a stone face and steely eyes, hits the button that shoots nitrous oxide into the engine and he rides to victory on the burst of speed. That's what happened when they wanted two new cars since the ones the government gave them were wired with GPS they couldn't remove so they challenged two other street racers and won their cars by, you guessed it, hitting the nitro at the last minute. Oh well, I'm sure they're just preparing for the final, nitro-free finale so we just have to wait. Anyway, they got the job with Verone who wants them to move a package across town. You'd think UPS could do that but no, he wants them. Verone assures the two that cops will be occupied for 15 minutes, something he arranges by threatening to have a rat dig its way through the belly of a supervising detective so I guess Verone isn't one of those nice drug kingpins who motivates employees with gift cards and such. While Brian is asleep, Monica sneaks into his bedroom and says...I have no idea what she said since Eva Mendes is wearing a tight, low cut shirt tied up so it also shows her midriff. Hold on, let me rewind and...oh my, turns out Verone is planning to kill them but we've already established he's not nice so let's not be too surprised.

I wonder why Brian was checking her out.

1:47:00 -- Best thing about having a minimal plot is that it I can quickly condense the past 40 minutes. The whole "Just take some drug money and drive across town with it" plan went to hell very quickly when the cop who was supposed to clear their path had a change of heart. I guess threatening to have a rat eat your guts doesn't scare people like it used to. Anyway, they drive around Miami and cause dozens of police cars to crash before pulling into a garage where they arranged to have their pal, Tej (played by Ludacris), the guy who arranges all the street races, get every street racer in the city to pull out of that garage simultaneously. Why'd they do that? Because John Singleton and the writers told them to, that's why. They switched out of the bugged cars they were in and drove to Verone who did, in fact, try to kill them after he figured out Monica was a spy. He took Monica and the money with him on his yacht so Brian and Roman came up with the can't-miss plan that any one of us would have done, that being drive the car off a ramp and onto the yacht. I would say this made the movie lose all credibility but, since it had no credibility, I guess doing that made perfect sense. They capture Verone and keep a small amount of the money for themselves. Sadly, Brian didn't get to have sex with Monica. Happily, the movie is over.

I wonder how much those yachts with the fully loaded muscle cars cost.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 4/21/11

I'm writing for Examiner now which means we can no longer have another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs. Ha ha, gotcha. It still exists. It's just on Examiner now. I had to localize at least part of the content but it turned out well, I think. I bet my mom would like it anyway. Sadly, I can't use dirty words there. Fuck. Man, that felt good.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Not Exactly Fantastic Four

I'm back from vacation tan, rested and ready. Well, I'm actually rather pale and a bit tired but I was at least ready enough to post a review of Scre4m over at Examiner.com so please check it out.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Hell With It

I'm traveling till Monday but I honestly thought I'd have time to do some writing. I ambitiously planned an Examiner piece and a comedy piece for this blog to both appear today but, alas, neither was to be. I might get something out this weekend if a spot opens in my schedule. I'm sure you're all too busy planning to see Atlas Shrugged this weekend to read anyway.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Between A Goon And New York City

My review of Arthur is up at Examiner.com. Read it, tell your friends how incredible it is and how it changed your life. It's odd that I ended up recommending it since I felt comfortable in using it for a Bizarro World Review on Friday. Oh well.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

All Right, This Time For Real

If you read this yesterday and, if you didn't, why the hell not, but if you did then you know I have a new writing gig with Examiner.com which means some of the stuff I was doing here will now be done there. We finally worked out the kinks so they're now posting me in the correct location so please go check me out over there. Tell your friends, have them tell their friends and everyone can make it the hot new thing to hit the SUBSCRIBE button over there and make me as popular on the internet as those videos of squirrels that grab a guy's balls. I'll link everything I do from here plus there should still be some original content posted here if I don't think it's a good fit for their site. It turns out they expect you to behave, act professionally and not make things all about you so we'll see how long that lasts.

Monday, April 11, 2011

So Long...Well, Not Really

Over the weekend, I was told my application to write for Examiner.com had been accepted. I've been writing this blog for three years now and I've enjoyed it very much. But they pay. Not much but more than the Jack Squat I am currently receiving for doing this. The movie reviews I usually post on Monday and Tuesday will definitely be published there now. I will be posting links to them here so you can still visit this site for them if you wish. Also, the humorous bits I do on Fridays are something I want to keep doing but I'm still trying to figure out if they're a good fit for Examiner. I'm sure I'll figure it out. Anyway, if you've enjoyed me over the years and I've entertainedyou at all, you can pay me back by reading my stuff on Examiner.com, passing the links around and maybe even hitting the SUBSCRIBE button there. (EDIT: Actually, don't subscribe yet. Wait till the next article as this one listed me in their Albany, GA edition instead of Albany, NY and I don't know how that will affect any sort of subscription. Yep, this is going great so far.) And now, please enjoy my review of the movie Hanna.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Arthur

Some movies are classics and many think those classics should never be touched but that view does nothing but restrict creativity and hold back truly great filmmakers from producing new work even if that work isn't exactly their own. We are all fortunate today that there are still filmmakers with enough vision to know that it's just fine to reuse someone else's vision. Thus, we now have a new version of Arthur.

So, is Arthur any good? Terms like "good" and "bad" may have been relevant in 1981 when Dudley Moore first created the character but this is 2011 so it no longer has to be Be Good. It just has to Be. And man oh man, does it ever Be. It Be's the hell out of itself. There is so much Be in this movie that it would have violated the International Be Limit if such a thing existed and could be in any way accurately measured. If none of this makes sense, don't worry. Neither does Arthur. But again, that's OK. It can still Be.

The incredibly rich Arthur Bach is played this time around by Russell Brand. Brand is the kind of actor whose vibe just screams, "Sure, I'll do this role as long as the check clears." However, that sort of attitude is exactly what this movie needed. If an actor had done this for passion alone, it would have highlighted all the movie's flaws and rendered it unwatchable but, because Brand doesn't care, neither do we. We can just go in and not really watch Arthur but just sort of absorb it. We won't care that it's not funny or entertaining. Instead, we'll remember it like a dream. The details will be fuzzy but we are reasonably sure we had a good time though we can't say why. That is what it's like to see the new Arthur and I, personally, am much better off for it. Again, if none of this makes sense, don't worry. Just Be along with the movie.

Arthur can reverse what so far has been a disappointing year at the box office if we all collectively decide not to demand anything from it. If we do that, we can go see it three or four times and reverse Hollywood's 2011 misfortunes. We can all even decide to just tell each other how much we loved it and then we'll get a sequel that we'll say we loved even more. This can bring our country together in a way that religion, community and music festivals have so far been unable to achieve. We will be bound together forever by our vision of Arthur, a vision first created in 1981 about a good movie and finally realized in 2011 by this "good" movie. When you go see Arthur, remember all of this. Laugh now and then if for no other reason than to help your fellow man and, if things get too tough, just start quietly humming the old Beatles hit Let It Be. Or just load up on Raisinets and pass out. Either way will work.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 4/7/11

I don't know where you live but in my neighborhood we're finally getting a bout of warm weather. Since I know you don't care about me or where I live, I've decided to cancel the post I was working on called How To Get Free Money And Blowjobs For Life and instead do another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

This idea to tell a story of the early days of Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday as some sort of supernatural film is ripe for disaster but it could be good. One line that caught my eye is this:
The Old West duo are best-remembered for the famous 1881 gunfight at the O.K. Corral in Tombstone, Ariz., which has been the subject of many movies -- some historically accurate and some not.
The best movies about Earp, Holliday and their showdown at the O.K. Corral have been the ones that were the least historically accurate so by all means Hollywood, give us complete fantasy.

I've never been a huge fan of Patrick Dempsey but I actually support his bid to play Dr. Strange. Why? He looks the part. In that picture in the Cinematical link, he really looks like Stephen Strange did during the time in his life when he was a hopeless alcoholic. If none of this makes sense and you have no idea who the hell Dr. Strange is, I envy the fact that you probably had a life filled with sunshine and happiness that had no room for comic books.

I'm fairly certain there are more people wanting to see Tango and Cash 2 or Breakin 3: Wireless Boogaloo than there are people demanding a new sequel to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure but that isn't stopping Hollywood from making one. Keanu Reeves said it will tie in with the last movie, Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey which is great because I know that the few people that have gone to the trouble of committing that movie to memory wouldn't be satisfied otherwise. I'm not one of those people so you all feel free to do whatever the hell you want.

Why is this news? Groups made up of right wing blowhards complaining that television is making the baby Jesus cry will only be newsworthy the day they don't protest something. In this case, they're talking about something that hasn't even been made yet that will probably have nudity on the level we used to see on NYPD Blue, a show our society somehow managed to survive.

I really hope this article about the growth of small budget films aimed at a more mature audience is right and that movies like Black Swan and The King's Speech are part of a new trend and not just flukes at the box office. If not, we'll get more and more movies like, well, a third Bill and Ted film. The article is an interesting read and you should check it out. Not before you finish this, of course.

The producer of the new Twilight movie is asking the movie's fans to stop posting leaked images. I want everyone to ignore that request because of all the times they have ignored my request to stop making Twilight movies.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I Got Nothing

had no time to write. hell, i didn't even have time to capitalize anything. be back on thursday.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Time After Time After Time After...

I was reading on Friday that Source Code was the best reviewed studio film of 2011. I could just say, "What those other people said is true," and that would be sufficient but that's not why they pay me the big bucks. I've been lousy lately at predicting the quality of movies. Last week, I thought Sucker Punch was going to be great and ended up hating it. This week, I thought the trailer for Source Code looked dumb. In the trailer, it looks like the government sends a man back in time to find out who was behind the terrorist attack of a train. As important as it would be to find out who was behind a mass murder, I couldn't believe that the government would use something as risky as time travel to try and solve it and I feared that this doubt would nag at the back of my brain throughout the film. Luckily, that's not what happened.

Jake Gyllenhaal plays Colter Stevens, an Air Force Captain who has no idea how he got from his unit in Afghanistan to what appears to be the space capsule he is in now. Even more baffling is the fact that he is suddenly teleported from that capsule into the body of another man on a Chicago commuter train that blows up eight minutes after he arrives, sending him back to his own body on the capsule. There are two people who keep talking to him when he's in the capsule. One is a fellow Air Force officer named Goodwin (Vera Farmiga) and the other is a civilian named Rutledge (Jeffrey Wright). Neither one is particularly helpful in answering the numerous questions that Stevens has about his situation. They just keep coldly insisting that he complete his mission without telling him how he could be going back in time.

Eventually, they tell him that he's not really going back in time. Instead, he's entering a virtual reality that is constructed from the memories of a man who died on the train. They were able to preserve this man's last eight minutes of memories and combine them with all the records they have of the incident to create a highly detailed interactive computer model called the Source Code. The problem is that this is a highly detailed model so thorough in scope that no one really has any control over what happens inside it. The people in it think they are real, independent beings and that includes a woman named Christina Warren (Michelle Monaghan). She's a friend of the man Colter in inhabiting and it's obvious that she wishes they were more than friends and, after several trips through the same eight minutes, that comes to be what Colter wants to. It's just a shame she's not real and that the real woman is already dead. Or is she?

If you've ever read anything I've written here, you know that my favorite type of movie is also the rarest type of movie, that being intelligent, serious science fiction. Science fiction movies are usually made by people who absolutely loathe science fiction and are only doing it so they can have a hit film and never have to do it again. Because they hate it, they figure everyone else does too and that means the story doesn't have to make sense as long as the CGI looks good so you have a movie populated by idiots in unbelievable situations doing mind bogglingly stupid things while running around past big monsters trying to, let's say, invade Los Angeles. Source Code doesn't have this problem. Source Code was lucky enough to be directed by Duncan Jones, director of the wonderful 2009 film Moon. Jones seems to actually like the medium in which he's working and he doesn't seem to think that having a movie be entertaining and make sense are mutually exclusive concepts and ends up giving us something that could have been written by Philip K. Dick. In fact, I checked afterward to see if this was yet another adaptation of Dick's work but, according to IMDB, it's an original story whose sole screenwriting credit goes to Ben Ripley, a fellow whose previous screenwriting credit was Species IV: The Awakening. Hmm, that sounds familiar. This adds to my theory that, if a movie sucks, the last person you should blame is the writer. It may be his fault but you should eliminate all the other suspects first.

Source Code is an excellent palate cleanser for, well, pretty much every movie that's come out so far this year. It did, of course, come in second to a cartoon rabbit that shits jelly beans but at least it was in the running and I guess we have to take what we can get.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Tie This Kangaroo Down

So far, my Liveblogs, in which I write real time comments while watching a movie on Netflix Instant, have all been horrible movies but today I decided to branch out a bit and challenge myself a bit a profile one of my favorite movies, the 1944 adaptation of Shakespeare's Henry V starring Laurence Olivier. This will be a treat for both you and me and I can't wait to get started. So, here we go and HA HA HA HA APRIL FOOL! The real movie is a reportedly godawful "comedy", 2003's Kangaroo Jack.

0:10:00 -- This movie has managed to annoy several times already and we're only 10 minutes in. First, the movie has Christopher Walken in a supporting role. This means they had the gall to cast one of my favorite actors in their sucky movie. I know it's going to be a sucky movie because they open with a quick montage of Australia with narrator Jerry O'Connell (who's playing the lead character Charlie Carbone) showing us only the godforsaken parts of it while describing it as dangerous and remote. Well, yeah if you ignore all those bigass modern cities that serve as home to most of it's population of 22,000,000, it is just some hot, kangaroo infested wasteland. But enough of that, the movie thinks, as it turns its attention to a real country, the good ol' U.S. of A. We flashback to 1982 where we see a 10 year old Charlie. The movie loses some more credibility because anyone who's seen Stand By Me knows what Jerry O'Connell looked like back then and this isn't it. He is saved from drowning by another child, Louis Booker, who will someday grown up to look just like Anthony Anderson. The cost for Charlie is that now he feels obligated to participate in whatever crazy situation Louis may find himself in. Twenty years later, that would be delivering TVs that happen to be stolen. To make it a perfect day, Louis tries to hide out in a warehouse owned by Charlie's stepfather, gangster Sal Maggio (Walken). So far, the movie has averaged two jokes per minute, only one of which has made me mildly chuckle. I'd tell you what it was but I swear I've already forgotten it.

Hey look, it's those guys from those shows I don't watch.

0:30:00 -- Around the 16 minute mark there's a rather funny sequence in which Charlie and Louis are thought to be obsessed with their own shit. So far, it's the funniest thing in the movie and it actually makes me an advocate for the idea that the whole movie should have been about guys who are thought to be obsessed with shit. It's sad that this is the one bright spot of Kangaroo Jack's first 30 minutes. Well, Walken was pretty good but hell, he was good as some brain damaged janitor in Joe Dirt. Walken's gangster character in understandably upset that these two morons inadvertently caused him to lose millions of dollars in merchandise but he can't kill them because he's married to Charlie's mother. Naturally, the only option left is to trust them to take a package to Australia and successfully deliver it to one of their associates there. No one could have imagined something would go wrong. Well, I imagined it and I'd only known these guys for these than 30 minutes so why the hell didn't Sal and the other mobsters figure that this is as much beyond their skillset as everything else they've ever done in life? Anyway, Ass and Hole arrive in Australia and, against orders, open the package to find $50,000. Knowing they must now take the utmost care to safeguard this cache of mob money, they start driving through the Outback without looking where they're going and hit a kangaroo. Thinking it's dead, they do what any of us would do, that being dress it up in Louis's Brooklyn jacket so they can take pictures. Sadly, their lifetime pattern of bad luck and incompetence is not broken here as the kangaroo turns out to be alive and hops off with Louis's jacket. The jacket, by the way, has the money. After a brief chase in which their jeep hits everything it could possibly hit, they end up walking to the nearest town to call the mysterious Mr. Smith, the guy who was waiting for the package. I guess they thought Louis misunderstanding Australian slang would never get old because they do it again. And again. And some more. And I imagine they'll do it several more times too. By the way, let me wish a hearty "Welcome Back" to Martin Csokas who plays Mr. Smith. He was last seen in the Liveblog of Aeon Flux. Few actors are capable of this level of consistency in their work. Actually, he's a good actor. It's just a shame he keeps doing movies like this.

Good job, Walken. These were definitely the right guys for the job.

0:58:00 -- Louis meets a beautiful naturalist named Jessie (Estella Warren) who tells him the best way to capture their kangaroo would to shoot it from a plane with a tranquilizer dart. My greatest wish in life when I saw that was to find some way to place a large wager on whether or not the kangaroo would outsmart them and make them shoot themselves with that and, sure enough, they did less than four minutes later. Actually, they shot their pilot, a likable local named Blue, but I would have still won the bet. After they crashed, they thought it would be a good idea to wander through one of the world's most barren and inhospitable deserts to search for the kangaroo though I do admire the fact that they show no fear at the prospect of all those biker gangs looking for gasoline. While all this was going on, Sal sent his right hand man Frankie to search for and kill Louis and Charlie which, incidentally, is what Mr. Smith was supposed to do for the $50,000 fee. Smith has launched his own search and they each end up thinking it's just a swell idea to try and track these guys down when it looks like nature will probably succeed in taking them out itself. Charlie starts hallucinating and that's when they just happen to run into Jessie. Because really, what are the odds of not running into a beautiful woman in the middle of the Outback? He assumes she's another mirage and the only funny moment in the last half hour happened when, thinking she not real, he grabbed her breasts. Other than that, all other attempts at humor are just downright adorable in their sheer earnestness as they are lacking in any comedic value. Watching this movie try to be funny is like watching a duck try to perform neurosurgery. For instance, there's the seven minute sequence where they're riding camels and the camels won't stop farting. This is full on Adam Sandler level humor and that is only successful when Adam Sandler is doing it. Jessie agrees to help them for $2000 and, when they track down the kangaroo, she tells them they can knock it out by smearing mud over themselves to hide their scent and throwing bolos at it. I'm not sure what in Jessie's brief experience with these guys made her think there was a chance in Hell it wouldn't all go wrong and then SURPRISE it all goes wrong when Louis gets a sudden diarrhea attack just as the bolos are being thrown. Did I mention the dream sequence where the kangaroo rapped? It's probably best that I didn't.

Yep, this will end well.

1:28:00 -- After some scenes of awkward, pathetic flirting by both Charlie and Jessie, they manage to get captured by Smith. Jessie offers to show him where Kangaroo Jack (and Smith's money) is if they let the other two go. She goes with Smith and his henchmen take them off to be killed anyway but, in a scene that proves Smith lacks the ability to pick competent henchmen, Charlie and Louis manage to outsmart them. In fact, Charlie and Louis suddenly act with supreme competence in all they do. They find Smith and retrieve Jessie but then Frankie shows up because, really, how hard could anyone be to find in the vastness of the Australian Outback? Charlie, Louis and Jessie manage to escape while Frankie and Smith start battling it out. Louis manages to snag to money from the Brooklyn jacket Jack is wearing thinking this will get Frankie to spare them but he finally reveals that they were sent to Australia in the first place to be killed. Luckily, the writers know all about the concept of Deus Ex Machina and have an Australian policeman, a guy I never mentioned before because we thought he was just Frankie's tour guide, swoop in at the last minute and save everyone. Oh, Charlie managed to save Louis' life and there was a big emotional scene and Lord I don't want to talk about this anymore so let's skip to the end where, one year later, Charlie and Louis made a shampoo out of some berries they found in the Outback. Charlie marries Jessie, Louis does...hell, I don't know. He does something but we'll never know because the movie is over.

This scene of a kangaroo's backside perfectly sums up the movie. See ya later.