Sucking More Than Blood

Going to the movies was something of a problem for me this weekend since I couldn't get anyone to go with me and my choices for new releases were Bolt, the new animated Disney film starring Miley Cyrus and John Travolta and Twilight, the teen vampire movie starring some goofs you've never heard of. Had I gone to see Bolt, I would have been sitting by myself in a theater full of children and looking like the creepy guy who hangs around school yards handing out candy. Instead, I went to see Twilight in which I sat by myself in a theater full of teenagers looking like the creepy guy who throws beer parties for high school kids. Sad that my life has been reduced to being one of the lesser of two evils.

Twilight was interesting in that pretty much every one there had either read the book or was with someone who had. In the line outside the theater, packs of teenage girls were chatting incessantly about whether the guy who played Edward was hot or that they wanted to get the same hairstyle as the girl who played Alice. In my case, Edward and Alice could come up to me and kick me in the balls and I wouldn't be able to tell the cops who had done it. I felt like I was in that dream where I'm in class taking a test I hadn't studied for while everyone else is peeking at the Teacher's Edition of the textbook. I'll say right now that I wasn't that impressed with Twilight especially after having seen a much better movie last week called Let The Right One In that dealt with the subject of vampires in a much more serious and thought provoking way. Twilight is basically a clothesline upon which the filmmakers hung various bits of romantic melodrama and some action sequences. However, as I have seen both from talking to people after the movie and from several articles and forum posts, people who have read the book love it whereas people who haven't think it should treated like a turkey is in a Sarah Palin interview.

As the movie opens, we meet Bella Swan, a character almost unique in the movies in that she's played by 18 year old actress Kristen Stewart, meaning that the character is a teenage girl who is played an actual, honest to god teenage girl instead a woman in her late 20s. Bella's mom wants to travel with her second husband, a minor league baseball player, so Bella moves to a rural town in Washington to live with her father Charlie, the local police chief. Bella and Charlie haven't seen each other for a few years and are awkward and uncomfortable around each other. In fact, they look so awkward and uncomfortable that you'd think it was intentional and that they were putting a great deal of effort into the whole thing.

At her new school, Bella meets a diverse group of characters including the Cullens, a group of five foster kids with pasty skin who mostly keep to themselves and live like a porn version of the Brady Bunch in that they are also couples. All them, that is, except an odd man out named Edward (Robert Pattinson), a fellow who is JUST THE CUTEST, MOST ADORABLE THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN AND OH MY GOD I THINK HE WINKED AT ME. And yeah, the Cullens are all vampires, a fact I just spoiled for you unless you have been in Guantonamo and have never seen the movie's poster, ads, reviews, cast interviews, MTV profiles or have just not been around a group of teenage girls for the past several weeks. Edward ends up being Bella's lab partner in Biology class and at first indicates that he is revolted by the way she smells (although it turned out that she actually smells extra tasty). For those of you who have seen movies, watched television, been to the theater or read books at least once in your life, you recognize this as the age old plot device where two people destined to be soulmates at first can't stand each other.

Edward and Bella eventually do start getting along although they always look constipated when they're together. Bella actually turns out not to be an idiot and figures out that Edward and the rest of the Cullen family are vampires and then throws the whole "turns out not to be an idiot" conclusion into doubt when she declares her undying love for a guy who she knows to be a freakin' vampire.

While all this is going on, people in the town are being ripped apart in a series of what are thought to be animal attacks but are actually being committed by a group of evil vampires that, in a moment of prescience and genius on my part, I accurately described in my review of Let The Right One In. In fact, this one paragraph could have been used as the review of Twilight:

They all follow basically the same model: a virginal, innocent ingenue meets up with some mysterious pretty boy who turns out to be a vampire. She quickly falls in love and has hot sex with his cold body but it all turns bad when she meets the other vampires who are always total douchebags. The evil vamps are decadent Eurotrash types who look perpetually bored and always have dialogue like, "These mortals are no better than cattle." Eventually the good and evil vampires go against each other and have elaborate fight scenes before good triumphs and the undead pretty boy and his hot not-quite-so-virginal-anymore girlfriend live happily ever after until the next episode or a sequel.

AND I CALLED IT! Sure enough, a skilled tracker vampire named James, who explicitly cultivates the "evil douchebag" look, picks up Bella's unusual scent (a condition I'm sure has been explored by now in the book's sequels as well as the fact that Edward's ability to read minds doesn't work on her) and, having no respect for the concept of a vampire calling "dibs" on a human, begins to hunt her. You can probably figure out where the story goes from here, but, on the off chance that you are retarded, I won't reveal it here.

As I said, judging by audience reaction as the closing credits rolled, your appreciation of the movie depends on your knowledge and appreciation of the books. One 18 year old girl who had read all the books described the movie to me as "amazing" and told me that there were a lot of details that had been left out of the movie that probably would have made me a fan. In cases like this, I am always of the opinion that movies should be enjoyable without having to do homework before seeing it. When I asked the girl's date, a guy who had read none of the books, if he liked it he sort of mumbled something that, if I have any skill at accurately translating teenage mumblings, meant, "Dude, I'm not gonna say I hated it in front of her because, if I do, I have zero chance of seeing her naked tonight." I like that Twilight at least serves the purpose of putting romantic notions into girls' heads which guys can then use to get laid. That's a movie that I can truly respect.

How Do I Put This?

Okay...um...hmm. Apparently, they're taking the old anime series Astro Boy and making it into a movie. I have never read the manga or seen the show. I don't own any books, T-shirts, or undergarments related to Astro Boy. If Astro Boy products were the world's currency, I'd be flat broke. If the governments of the world outlawed all things Astro Boy tomorrow, it would have the same effect on me as the news of who Miley Cyrus is dating did (that being zero effect). What I'm trying to say is that I have no stake in Astro Boy whatsoever. I'm not some rabid Astro Boy fan who climaxes at the mere thought of an Astro Boy film. I say all that to lend credibility to the following statement:

HOLY FREAKING CRAP, THIS LOOKS COOL!

Mind you, this is a 1 minute teaser for a movie almost a year away, but I acknowledge its potential AND OH MY GOD IT LOOKS SO COOL.

That is all.

An Ass Out Of You And Me

Never assume what the content of a movie will be based on its title. For instance, you may think that a new movie starring Sean Penn and Josh Brolin called Milk was about a cold, tasty beverage that's good and good for you.

Not so much, no.

This makes me think the movie Twilight may not, in fact, be a drama about Jedediah Twilight, the guy who invented spermicidal lube. Damn, I was looking forward to that too. He was a great man who deserves to have his story told.

Read This To Win One Million Dollars And Nude Pictures Of Kristen Stewart

Hit counts have dropped a bit this week so I put up that fake headline. This also has the possibility of people getting mad and deleting their Clear's Own bookmark but sometimes you gotta take the chance.

Alarmed

When I saw that the complete series of Charmed was being released on DVD, I thought to myself, "Who the hell would pay over $170 for that?" That thought was followed by the realization that I never want to know the answer to that question. If you are the kind of person who has only bothered to stay alive this long so that you could live to see a massive box set stuffed full of 8 seasons worth of mediocre television on your mantle then I don't want to know you. If you are a friend or family member who fits this description, please pay any debts you owe me or collect any debts owed and quietly remove yourself from my life. If you are continuing your association with me and I go to your home one day to see a DVD with pictures of Alyssa Milano on the cover, it damn well better be that vampire movie she was naked in because if it turns out to also have Rose McGowan and Holly Marie Combs as her witch-sisters, there will be hell to pay. You have been warned.

Skumringen

Let The Right One In is a Norwegian film about the darker side of childhood and what life can be like for kids who are, either intentionally or through circumstances beyond their control, outsiders. First, there is Oskar. He's an outsider because he's weak and easy prey for bullies. Then there's Eli. She's an outsider because she's a vampire.

I'm sure when wrote that everyone thought, "Oh Lord, not another Norwegian movie about vampires." But seriously, Let The Right One In is an absolute gem. Since I saw it on Saturday, my mind has gone back to it again and again. This is a movie about children that children won't be allowed to see even though many of them would probably understand the things that Oskar and Eli go through better than many adults would. What they wouldn't understand is the violence and how seriously the movie takes the subject of vampires.

There's currently a spate of vampire stories in book, television and movies these days, most notably an HBO show called Fangs and Boobs* and this Friday's theatrical release of Twilight. They all follow basically the same model: a virginal, innocent ingenue meets up with some mysterious pretty boy who turns out to be a vampire. She quickly falls in love and has hot sex with his cold body but it all turns bad when she meets the other vampires who are always total douchebags. The evil vamps are decadent Eurotrash types who look perpetually bored and always have dialogue like, "These mortals are no better than cattle." Eventually the good and evil vampires go against each other and have elaborate fight scenes before good triumphs and the undead pretty boy and his hot not-quite-so-virginal-anymore girlfriend live happily ever after until the next episode or a sequel.

Eli is not a "good" vampire. She doesn't steal from blood banks or drink from pigs or lull humans gently into a pleasant hypnotic state to take just a bit of their blood. She brutally murders people so that she can live. She rips holes in their arteries and drinks their blood then breaks their necks because, if she left them alive, they'd become like her and the world would be full of vampires. These are not clean kills. Eli's face and clothes are always covered with blood after she feeds. Eli does have not contempt for the mortal race and often shows signs of conscience which probably makes what she does worse but she long ago made the decision to live even if it meant that the rest of the world would have to bleed and die.

When we first meet them, Oskar (who's probably the most Norweigan looking kid you'll ever see) is waving around a knife and fantasizing that he is stabbing the bullies who torment him. Out of his window he sees a cab pull up to drop off the new tenants moving into his apartment building. One of them is Håkan and the other is Eli (who's probably the least Norwegian looking kid you'll ever see) a girl whom you assume at first to be his daughter. You later see Håkan calmly packing items into a shoulder bag, items like knives, a funnel, a plastic jug and some sort of air tank that turns out to contain a knockout drug. It's Håkan's job to get blood for Eli so that she doesn't have to have her conscience tormented by doing her own killing.

It's never explained who Håkan is or why he does these things for Eli. At first I thought he was maybe her brother who had grown old while Eli had remained a girl. Then I thought maybe they'd met more recently and that, perhaps, he was a pedophile who was intrigued by the idea of the object of his desires would never grow to become a woman which would also explain why he seems jealous when Oskar and Eli become friends. I lean more in the "met recently" camp because Håkan thoroughly sucks at his job. His first kill takes place in a brightly lit and well traveled park where a dog chases him off and his second attempt at getting blood goes even worse for him. His devotion to Eli, though, is so through that he makes a gruesome sacrifice rather than risk her exposure.

Oskar and Eli meet in the apartment building's playground when Oskar is once again pretending to be stabbing bullies. In the middle of a Norwegian winter, Eli is outside wearing neither a coat nor shoes. She has intense, piercing eyes. And she smells. Like a corpse. She makes a point of saying that they cannot be friends yet oskar is intrigued and makes a point to hang out in the playground the next night. He pretends to be totally indifferent to her in the way that kids do but he does leave his Rubik's Cube and is impressed when he finds it the next day to see that she solved it. When they next meet, Eli has cleaned up and put on better clothes. I suspect that Eli is sizing Oskar up as a possible replacement for Håkan, or maybe she just wants a friend.

They grow closer and, when she finds herself alone, she somehow gets up to Oskar's window (she honestly tells Oskar that she flew up, a truth that Oskar understandably dismisses) but says she can't come in unless Oskar invites her and, in a later scene, we see the dire physical consequences of what happens when this particular bit of vampire lore is not fulfilled. When he does, she takes off her bloody clothes in the dark and gets in bed with him. Oskar is 12 and doesn't realize that this is the last time in his life that a naked girl can get in his bed and have it be considered a sweet and innocent act. He even asks Eli if she wants to be his girlfriend. Follow the asterisks for the spoiler of what happens next.**

When Eli does eventually confess her true nature to Oskar, he's overtaken by confusion. He knows he should be repulsed and run away but he has seen her good and decent side. She's the first true friend he's ever had and his divorced parents are too absorbed in their own lives to care that much for him. This makes each of them the only person on the planet who really gives a damn about the other one. In the short time they've known each other, their friendship has become the only thing that meks their sad live bearable. It's no wonder that Oskar doesn't want to give her up even when he sees her kill someone and why he stands passively as she gives him his first kiss even though a dead man's blood is still on her lips.

I've heard there will be a Hollywood remake of this movie for all the Americans who have an intense fear of subtitles. I have no idea how they will handle the story's dark themes and ideas. This is not a movie that shows and reinforces society's standard moral values. If it were, then the scene at the swimming pool (an awesome scene, by the way) where Oskar witnesses exactly what Eli is capable of against the bullies who confront him there would have Oskar vomiting in disgust and rejecting Eli forever. Instead, the 12 year old boy and the girl who has "been 12 for a very long time" smile at one another, smiles that signify friendship and first love. That's why Eli lets Oskar into her life. He smiles when he sees her and he's the only one who does.

*Those of you who have seen True Blood know that this is what it should be called.

**SPOILER: When Oskar asks her to be his girlfriend, Eli matter of factly states that she's not a girl. There is a bit of controversy to this as some think that she means she is not human but others think that she is, in fact, a boy. I'm going to keep referring to her as a girl because that's how I think of her.

Dollop Of Decent Filmness

So, the director of Monster's Ball got together with the writer of Million Dollar Baby got together to apply their Oscar winning Indie-flick sensibilities in a way that would re-imagine the character of James Bond. What should have then been the cinematic equivalent of top sirloin then got chucked into the big studio meat grinder whose concept of "re-imagine" usually ends up being "do exactly what the last big hit did" which means James Bond was morphed into Jason Bourne. Mind you, I like the Bourne movies, but I like Bond movies too and a Bond movie was what I was expecting to see. Instead, what we now have is weak hybrid of both and a grim James Bond who no longer drinks vodka martinis or plays cards and is now a math genius whose best friend is Ben Affleck.

This movie opens pretty much right where Casino Royale left off. Bond's upset that his lover from the last movie, Vesper Lynd, ended up being a traitor and dying at the hands of those for whom she worked. Fortunately, he has a way of working through his grief, that way being destroying large swaths of public property while pursuing bad guys and shooting suspects in the head. He gets to do a lot of this as he tries to track down yet another super secret evil organization. I really miss the fact that Bond once had the Russians to chase down because since the fall of the Soviet Union, Bond villains have always been drug dealers or lame corporate types. Fighting these guys lacks the style and romance of fighting the Russians who were a genuine threat to the world. In this case, the enemy is called Quantum, a group of rich guys who secretly run the world trying to become richer by secretly running even more of the world. A captured operative laughs when Bond and M (Judi Dench) try to interrogate him stating, "We have people everywhere," and then proves that by being shot by one of Bond's fellow MI6 agents, a fellow who was obviously a bad guy due to the fact that everyone kept saying his name and the camera kept cutting to him.

Bond eventually follows vague clues to Haiti and a beautiful woman named Camille (Olga Kurylenko). Camille breaks yet another Bond tradition by not having a suggestive name, maybe something like Camille Andfeelmeup, although there is a British diplomat later on in the film named Strawberry Fields who jumps into bed with Bond even though she just met him and thinks he's a jerk but that was too little, too late. Anyway, Camille, like Bond, is dark and grim and motivated by revenge which is why she's hooked herself up to some doughy English rich guy named Dominic Greene. Publicly, Greene heads an environmentally conscious company trying to save polar bears and whatnot. Privately, he's in charge of Quantum (which is why Bond wants him) and is in Haiti to make arrangements to overthrow the government of Bolivia and hand it to a stereotypical dictator type who also happened to be the fellow who killed Camille's parents.

Got all that? I hope so cause it's making my head hurt and I'd hate to have to explain it again.

There's one great scene where Bond intelligently and efficiently exposes the people behind Quantum and one decent joke where he's supposed to be undercover as a scholar on sabbatical and adds, "Also, I won the lottery," to explain why he's staying at a four star hotel. Other than that, the rest of the movie is random action and pretty explosions spliced in with Bond and Camille jabbering on about depressed they are.

In the end, it's ok but I wanted more. I wrote on Friday about how my expectations had been raised for this and today I must write that this movie did not meet my expectations, but I suppose, judging by the record setting world wide box office, that most people like what they're seeing. Like I said, it's ok-kind of good-sort of decent mindless escapism. You know, just like Monster's Ball and Million Dollar baby were. I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything else.