Michael Clear, Interactive Strategist

I wrote yesterday about a guy who calls himself an Interactive Strategist. Thing is, I can't find anyone who knows what the hell an Interactive Strategist is and I asked several people as well as all my Twitter and Facebook friends. That's hundreds of people and no one either A) knew or B) cared enough to tell me. I'm awesome so it must be A. I could just Google it but that seems like giving up to me. I Google everything, up to and including how to spell Google. (I thought it was Gewgle until just now when I Googled it.) No, I want to find this out without using the internet and, since this doesn't seem possible, I have decided to take the opportunity to define what it is myself. I started calling myself an Interactive Strategist, made note of everything I did for an entire day and simply added everything to my new broad definition of the term. I will now review my notes and see what to leave in and what to leave out. I guess you could say this is my interactive strategy.

1. Made egg/bacon/bagel sandwich for breakfast. Yum. Was any part of that action something that could be defined as interacting or strategizing? Maybe but I if I leave that in people will think an Interactive Strategist is a breakfast chef so it's out along with the tuna sandwich I had for lunch and the dinner that, while not yet prepared as of this writing, will probably consist of baked chicken, garden salad and, depending on my mood, a dinner roll.
2. I started introducing myself to people as an Interactive Strategist to see if they would treat me differently. This turned out to be a huge error as most people asked me what that was. I eventually came up with some B.S. about collecting data and applying it in such a way that paradigms are properly evaluated and altered. This caused people to smile and say, "Oh, okay," before walking away. As that bit of corporate gibberish accomplished my goal, it is now in as part of the definition.
3. I received a speeding ticket and tried to get out of it by saying I was on my way to someone who needed something interactively strategized right away. Before I could get to the stuff about paradigms and data, the cop insinuated that he'd taze me if I didn't move along. This tells me that whatever an Interactive Strategist is, it does not intimidate law enforcement. That's important to know so it's in.
4. I hesitated to tell co-workers that I was now an Interactive Strategist as I was afraid they might to try to find new duties to add to my job. Still, I figured I was all-in on this so I told them my new title as well as the stuff about data and paradigms. Most people wanted to know if this meant I now had to do some of their paperwork but my boss said he was impressed with the way I was proactively embracing a Manichean construct of the 21st century business model. I have no more idea of what that means but that was par for the course so I'm leaving it in because it scored points with my boss. I'm just hoping I didn't say anything that made him think I would work over the weekend.
5. I tried to pick up a woman by telling her I was an Interactive Strategist. She asked if that paid well and I said, "Sure, I guess," so she gave me her phone number. I'm conditionally adding "pays well" to the definition but will take it out if this doesn't eventually lead to at least a handjob.

So, according to my careful scientific analysis, an Interactive Strategist is some middle management corporate douche who doesn't particularly impress anyone but does get laid a lot if his salary is high enough. That's a load off my mind.

Facebook Login

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Interview With A New Hire

I've recently been conducting job interviews and have come to a conclusion: the reason for the current high unemployment rate has less to do with the poor economy and more to do with the fact that the average jobseeker is a total idiot. Thus I once again break from my usual topics of conversation. As a service to my readers, here is a list of things you shouldn't say in a job interview.

• Pull my finger.
• Will I still get hired when I fail the drug test?
• I printed out the lyrics to the new Miley Cyrus song "Party in the USA". Want to song along with me?
• I'm not sure what this stain is. It's been a few days since I changed this shirt.
• How long before I get a vacation? I'm supposed to go to a concert next week and will need a few days to recover.
• If I left you with some pamphlets on hemp legalization, would you mind handing them out to the other applicants?
• If I left you with some copies of The Watchtower, would you mind handing them out to the other applicants?
• I'm not really into dudes but if you absolutely feel you have to blow me, we can work something out.
• I like that picture. She's your 12 year old daughter, you say? Man, she is HOT!
• I'm fully qualified in just about any office software you can name but the microchip that the CIA put into my teeth might interfere with the computers in your office.
• Whoops, that's my phone. Sorry, gotta take this. Hey hey, you got the Big Dog, start barking. Bobby, dude, how goes it? Huh? Sure, I can talk, what's up?
  
• No really, pull my finger.

Just don't say anything like that and you should do fine. If you choose to ignore me, get comfortable with the idea that you'll die a broke, uninsured freak.

You're welcome.

Time After Time

Today's post serves as a public apology. First, I have to apologize in advance for going off topic but this needs to be said.

Recently, I went back in time. The details of how this was accomplished are unimportant. Let's just say it involved some uranium combined with a dozen super hot buffalo wings and leave it at that. Anyway, I went back about 100 million years to the Goofassic era or whatever the hell it was called. I'm a time traveler, not a historian. Anyway, the past pretty much sucked. No internet, cell phone wouldn't work, couldn't even get a decent magazine and ended up having to amuse myself by observing nature and shit like that. That's not the important part. I'm sure you've all heard that, if you're in the past, you shouldn't do stuff like step on a butterfly as that could start a chain reaction that could lead to greater and greater historical changes as time goes on until something major happens like the Nazis winning World War II? Well, I didn't hear that until after I went time traveling.

I stepped on a butterfly. Not only did I step on it, I sadistically played with it first then pissed on it after it was dead. I don't know why I did that as I've never been needlessly cruel like that before. I guess I just figured if I was going to do that, 100 million years in the past would be a good place to start. At this point you're thinking, "Did he change history?"

The good news, as you all know, is that the Nazis did not win World War II so good on me for that, right? There are a few small changes. For instance, Michael Bay no longer makes thoughtful, gracefully edited dramas about the human condition. Twilight didn't win eight Oscars. Barack Obama won the 2008 election instead of me. Yes, that's right, I was President. How do you think I had access to a time machine? Don't worry, I'm cool with that change. Being President blew. You have no idea how many times I had to read some stupid report about the price of Danish cheese before I even had my morning coffee. I do miss First Lady Megan Fox. Luckily, she finally let me have butt sex with her just before I went back in time and that was pretty much all I wanted from her anyway.

There is one thing I miss most of all. I hesitate to tell you about it since you will hate me when you find out I made this go away. I really, really miss the Handjob Trees. Yes, they were exactly what they sound like they were. They had soft, movable branches shaped like hands and they'd either jack you off or finger you when you approached them. Best thing was that using the trees was socially acceptable. I can remember many times while growing up when my mom would call for me and I'd say, "Be there soon Mom, just rubbing one out on the Handjob Tree." Somehow, stepping on an ancient butterfly or butterflyosaur or whatever the hell it was called made all that go away.

Anyway, I'm sorry though I do think the raw entertainment provided by this blog more than makes up for all that other stuff so stop whining.

Innocent

I would like to announce that, after a thorough investigation run by me, I have been cleared of of ever having jacked off while staring at a picture of Angelina Jolie.