Eat, Pray, Love -- Guy Version

Once again, I've decided to throw the ladies out there a little bit of love. One big problem women have is that they expect you to allow yourselves to be dragged to see The Expendables or whatever the latest action movie is while they would refuse to see a movie you liked even if you slipped them poison and said you wouldn't give the antidote until the end credits of Letters To Juliet started rolling. Luckily, a solution to this occured to me: lie. Lie your ass off. Tell guys the latest chick flick is the bloodiest, most action packed ode to testosterone you've ever heard of. To aid in this effort, here is my fake review of Eat, Pray, Love. There you have it.

WOW! I mean just...WOW! I just saw Eat, Pray, Love and I'm so stunned by its supreme awesomeness that all I can say is WOW! over and over again. It's been a long time since I last saw nearly two hours of fun, pure and unapologetic masculinity on the big screen. The characters have a job and they do it without the moping, weeping and navel gazing so characteristic of even the most hardcore action flicks you see today and the most amazing thing is that this was accomplished with Julia Roberts as the star.

Julia play Diana Praylove though, due to the fact that she's always chewing red meat, mostly goes by the nickname Eat. Burned out after 20 years as a deep cover CIA field op, she's finally accepted a desk job at Langley when she receives a phone call from one of her former Russian contacts telling her that something big is brewing but that he can only give her the information in person so they arrange to meet in Italy but all she finds is his dead body and a suicide note. Unwilling to let this go, Eat looks around his apartment only to be greeted with a hail of machine gun fire from the building across the street.

When the gunmen stop to reload, Eat pulls out her 9 millimeter and takes them out with expert precision. She manages to get to one of them before he dies and says, "You have two choices you son of a bitch. You can tell me what I want to know and die quickly or you can stay silent and have your last moments on Earth be filled with more pain than you ever imagined. What's it gonna be?" Thus begins a journey of self discovery and bloodshed that spans three continents that brings Eat into contact with famous chefs, Chechen rebels, spiritual gurus, Somali pirates, new love and old vendettas that can only end in violence and fire.

Do yourselves a favor, men, and go see Eat, Pray, Love. Don't let the women in your lives drag you to some chick flick cause trust me, this movie reaches down, grabs you by the balls and doesn't let go.

There you have it. Just copy the relevant portions, show them to the man you're trying to trick and enjoy watching Julia Roberts trying to find new direction in her life through, food, travel and romance. If your man gets, mad, feel free to blame me.

Letters To Juliet -- Guy Version

Letters To Juliet comes out today. As you can see by this trailer, it is not a Chick Flick. It is the Chick Flick. It's a double decker Chick Flick with a side of Chick Fries. This once again presents women with an age old dilemma: How the hell do you get the man in your life to accompany you to a movie specifically designed to appeal to all that he opposes? Simple, you just lie. "Oh no, we have an honest relationship," you say. Screw that. Lie your ass off. Tell him the movie is the exact opposite of what it is. If not, your movie this week will be an ex-druggie flying around in an iron suit or a rageaholic prancing around Sherwood Forest. Besides, you won't have to say anything. All you'll have to do is show him this utterly fake review so copy and paste the part below, print it out, show it to him then get ready to be swept away to the romantic Italian countryside this weekend.

Hey dudes. I saw Letters To Juliet earlier this year at a special screening during WTF-Con and I'm here to tell you that I've never seen such a hardcore, blood-and-guts action picture in my life. The thrills start from the moment the opening credits roll in Verona, Italy and never let up until the closing credits roll in the hollowed out volcano that serves as the lair of the movie's villain.

Amanda Seyfried plays Sophie, a jaded Navy SEAL who decides to take a trip to Italy after three straight tours in the Gulf. The peace she was looking for was not to be found, however, after she finds a letter written fifty years earlier warning of a threat to the entire planet called Operation Juliet. She tracks down Claire (Vanessa Redgrave), the woman who is supposedly the author of the letter but denies ever having even heard of it until Sophie lets her guard down for a moment and Claire attacks her. Sophie holds her own and they finally end up John Woo style with their guns in each others faces. "You don't remember me, do you, Sophie? But you will. Oh yes, you will," Claire says just before she drops through a hole in the floor. After that, it really takes off. I don't want to spoil too much of the plot but here are some of the most memorable scenes:

• Sophie in a car chase through the streets of Rome that ends with her leaping from her car just before the other two cars crash into hers.
• A shower scene with Sophie and Charlie (Christopher Egan), a rogue CIA agent, that ends with the bathroom being broken into by Claire's agents and Sophie holding one hand over her naked breasts while she mows those three down with the 9A-91 compact assault rifle she's holding in the other hand.
• Beautiful scenes of the Italian countryside.
• The final confrontation between Sophie and Claire in which Sophie takes the letter she found back in Verona and stuffs it down Claire's throat saying, "Postage due, motherfucker," just before she pushes Claire onto a load of dynamite and coolly walks away as Claire and the dynamite blow up behind her.
• A romantic montage set to a Taylor Swift song that ends in a sword fight.

As you can see from all this, Letters To Juliet is definitely worth blowing off Iron Man 2 and Robin Hood this weekend. I only hope you're able to drag the ladies in your life to this and not end up at some chick flick.

And that ought to do it. Yes, your husband/boyfriend/whatever will be royally pissed when he sees the actual movie but it won't be your fault because you, after, all, read the same review he did, right? Just give him an awesome blowjob and all will be well. Hell, even a mediocre blowjob would probably do the trick.