Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Eat, Pray, Love -- Guy Version

Once again, I've decided to throw the ladies out there a little bit of love. One big problem women have is that they expect you to allow yourselves to be dragged to see The Expendables or whatever the latest action movie is while they would refuse to see a movie you liked even if you slipped them poison and said you wouldn't give the antidote until the end credits of Letters To Juliet started rolling. Luckily, a solution to this occured to me: lie. Lie your ass off. Tell guys the latest chick flick is the bloodiest, most action packed ode to testosterone you've ever heard of. To aid in this effort, here is my fake review of Eat, Pray, Love. There you have it.

WOW! I mean just...WOW! I just saw Eat, Pray, Love and I'm so stunned by its supreme awesomeness that all I can say is WOW! over and over again. It's been a long time since I last saw nearly two hours of fun, pure and unapologetic masculinity on the big screen. The characters have a job and they do it without the moping, weeping and navel gazing so characteristic of even the most hardcore action flicks you see today and the most amazing thing is that this was accomplished with Julia Roberts as the star.

Julia play Diana Praylove though, due to the fact that she's always chewing red meat, mostly goes by the nickname Eat. Burned out after 20 years as a deep cover CIA field op, she's finally accepted a desk job at Langley when she receives a phone call from one of her former Russian contacts telling her that something big is brewing but that he can only give her the information in person so they arrange to meet in Italy but all she finds is his dead body and a suicide note. Unwilling to let this go, Eat looks around his apartment only to be greeted with a hail of machine gun fire from the building across the street.

When the gunmen stop to reload, Eat pulls out her 9 millimeter and takes them out with expert precision. She manages to get to one of them before he dies and says, "You have two choices you son of a bitch. You can tell me what I want to know and die quickly or you can stay silent and have your last moments on Earth be filled with more pain than you ever imagined. What's it gonna be?" Thus begins a journey of self discovery and bloodshed that spans three continents that brings Eat into contact with famous chefs, Chechen rebels, spiritual gurus, Somali pirates, new love and old vendettas that can only end in violence and fire.

Do yourselves a favor, men, and go see Eat, Pray, Love. Don't let the women in your lives drag you to some chick flick cause trust me, this movie reaches down, grabs you by the balls and doesn't let go.

There you have it. Just copy the relevant portions, show them to the man you're trying to trick and enjoy watching Julia Roberts trying to find new direction in her life through, food, travel and romance. If your man gets, mad, feel free to blame me.

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