Royal Pain

I did a Liveblog last week yet here I am, doing another one. I space them out mainly because they are time consuming and I don't often look forward to spending several hours watching a bad movie and trying to find funny things to say. However, this one had to be done today or not at all. This premiered on American television just a few short days ago. If you follow me on Twitter, you know I already saw part of this but there has never been a more timely entry to this category than the Lifetime Network's William and Kate.

0:00:15 -- Jesus, I didn't even get 30 seconds in. A title card came up saying, "Inspired by true events." After muttering, "No shit," what occurred to me was the meaning of that phrase. If a movie claims to be based on true events, that means it takes some pains to adhere to the facts it's portraying. If it says it's INSPIRED by a true story, that means they took the true events and ran naked and crazy with them through the street. For example, Last House On The Left, a movie set in 1970's America, was "inspired" by a 13th century Swedish folktale. The more you know.

0:11:00 -- William and his dad (I didn't catch his name) show up for William's first day at university. Dad keeps saying, "This is what you mother would have wanted." Did his mom die or something? I'm sure this is one of the movie's exciting secrets. Naturally, this is something that would draw a great deal of public and media attention which is why nearly a dozen people showed up to witness his very public arrival. I suppose that's a lot considering the movie's budget. Everyone seems excited that they are attending the same school as the guy who only needs two people to die to ascend to the throne of the United Kingdom. Everyone, that is, except for a lovely young brunette named Kate who couldn't appear to be more underwhelmed if she were a Star Wars fan watching Phantom Menace for the first time. William settles in and starts making friends with either the school's dullest or douchiest students before going to his first class and who should wind up in his study group but the girl who couldn't care less that he's there. She has a boyfriend anyway so I'm sure any and all romantic prospects are off the table. William and Kate are played by...oh hell, I don't know and I'm not looking it up.

I think I look more like William than this guy.
Hell, I think I look more like Kate Middleton.

0:24:20 -- Kate starts spending lots more time than one normally would with a guy she doesn't care about who's not her boyfriend but I guess that's what the kids these days do along with extensive time on Facebook and casual buttsex. Will tells Prince Dad that he wants to transfer from St. Andrews to Cambridge but Charles says no so the whole scene, much like the rest of the movie, was a big waste of time. Back at St. Andrews, all the girls we've met so far participate in a charity fashion show. Luckily, St. Andrews appears to have a strictly enforced NO FAT CHICKS policy so it's very entertaining. William also notices for the first time that Kate is hot and all it took was for her to walk out on stage in a see through dress. Sadly, Kate is the only girl in Great Britain who doesn't masturbate with a Prince William bobble head doll and insists to him that they're just friends when he tries to kiss her.

"As you no doubt feel, Kate, I was educated by an ancient order of Indian shamans in the art of fingering a woman."

0:45:00 -- Wills brought Kate and several other friends home for the weekend. Unfortunately, Prince Charles had recently had the stick in his ass replaced with a larger one so the whole affair was quite uncomfortable until Kate managed to kill a pheasant when they went hunting. Will was so impressed by her ability to kill helpless birds with a shotgun that he agrees to share a flat with her and the two friends who came along. This gives Will and Kate plenty of time to awkwardly rub up against each other until Kate just can't stand it anymore and starts sleeping with him. They try hiding it from their roommates who they think don't notice when Kate screams at William night after night to conquer her colonies. Things go great for a while until she goes to a charity benefit he's hosting and His Royal Dullness pulls the genius move of ignoring her the whole night while lavishing attention on an old girlfriend. Kate storms out having come to the conclusion that he would never marry a commoner such as herself. If only that's how things had happened like that so we wouldn't have wall to wall Royal Wedding coverage.

As a handsome man with a chin, actor Ben Cross was woefully unqualified to play Prince Charles.

1:34:00 -- Let me explain why you've heard nothing from me for the last 45 minutes. After William won Kate back by singing to her (and showing us all why there's never been an album released called Prince William Sings The Classics), the movie then repeated the same cycle over and over. William and Kate would be all cute and cuddly for a few minutes then Kate would get all annoyed by the restrictions of royal life and constant paparazzi harassment and then they'd be all adorable again until once again they were bothered by photographers or some A-hole would lecture Kate on how woefully unprepared she was for life amongst William's family. This happened, I think, 57 times until Kate finally broke it off. William got Kate back by threatening to jump into a river while she was coaching a crew team and she figured any man willing to jump into a river was worth never having a moment to herself again and they get engaged in Africa in surrounded by lovely stock footage of wild animals and that's it. The rest is what you're watching on your television screens today. I hope reading this was more entertaining.

After agreeing to marry him, Will reveals to Kate his greatest secret, that he's only 4 feet tall.