Some Guy Tries To Figure Out Mad Men

I usually only like television shows where a guy puts on sunglasses while making sarcastic comments about dead bodies and then sprinkles white powder on everything which he looks at under a microscope and then BAM the crime is solved. Knowing this about me, my friends still insisted that I watch Mad Men. I just need to ask, is this a real show? I wouldn't put it past my friends to make a fake television show and try to pass it off as real. Still, it's been going on for years and I've seen those actors in other things so if it was a joke or a hoax, it would have gotten awfully expensive by now.

Assuming it's real, what's the deal with it? There's this really handsome guy named Don except his name's not really Don, it's Dick. When someone first called him that, I thought he was being insulted but it turned out to be his name. Anyway, Don/Dick is great at coming up with slogans to sell things like Ajax so this big 1960s Madison Avenue advertising firm hires him. I guess he lied on the part of his job application that asks if this is your real name or a totally bogus one or maybe they just didn't care about things like fake names back in the 60s. When Don/Dick isn't trying to come up with slogans that will get people to smoke Lucky Strikes, he's grabbing almost every vaguely hot woman and bangs her. I didn't know people even had sex in the 60s but, if this show is to be believed, they did it a lot.

For some reason, there are two women Double D hasn't touched who work right there in his office. There's Peggy who, for some reason, passed on don and got herself knocked up by some scummy little shrimp boy named Pete Campbell. Peggy is always getting harassed at the office because she's a woman but, for some reason, she never goes to her HR rep to complain. Maybe women were cool with that stuff back in the 60s.

Another woman Don has never been inside of is Joan, which is very odd since she has breasts that have their own gravitational field. Seriously, I bet immigration is always searching her since she could smuggle illegal immigrants between those things.

Thing that gets me about Mad Men is that everything people say has about eight different meanings. If Peggy says, "Hi, Don," it's a greeting, an insult, a subtle comment on interpersonal relationships between men and women in the days before women's lib was in full swing and a question about whether Don wants to go grab tacos with her for lunch or just eat a tuna salad sandwich at his desk. In Two and a Half Men, when Charlie Sheen says he wants to have sex with a woman, that's what he means, damn it. Why can't Mad Men strive to be more like that show?

You know what? Maybe I'm wrong about all of this. My only consolation is that soon, if I remember my history correctly, the Vietnamese will soon invade America and kill them all. I'll definitely watch that episode.

Some Guy Tries To Figure Out Inception

What the hell...I mean...what the hell...

Ok, all right, I think I have this figured out. You have that Japanese guy and he goes up to Leonardo DiCaprio and he says he wants him to dream up something new and that's...no no no, let me start over. Leo finds that girl from Juno, ok? And she's an architect, ok? With me so far? And then I think he wanted her to design some sort of city that can roll up like a carpet and then everyone starts floating because of that. Does that make sense? No, damn it, that can't be right.

Crap, why couldn't this movie have been more like Grown Ups? I had that down cold. They bitch about being old so they act like idiots and piss in a public pool and boom, everything's all right. But God forbid Mr. Fancy Pants Christopher Nolan make anything that simple. Nope, he has to do dreams and dreams within dreams and things that may not be dreams and then we get to see DiCaprio's wife who's either dead or a dream or both or neither. Frankly, I don't see a problem, not one single damn problem, that couldn't have been solved if every member of the cast had just gotten into a pool and pissed in it. They all could have had a good laugh, learned an important life lesson and gone on to a heart warming ending. Instead, I get buildings crumbling, people flying, winter turning into summer and back and is the ending heartwarming? I DON'T KNOW! I don't know if the ending is happy or sad or what. The credits rolled, the lights came up and I ended up making an ass out of myself by insisting to the theater manager that they must have left out a reel because the movie couldn't possibly be over.

Well you know what? Screw you, Christopher Nolan! Yeah, I said it. SCREW YOU, MR. "I'M TOO GOOD TO SHOW PEOPLE PISSING"! Don't even think I'll be going to see the next Batman movie and you know what I'm going to do with my Memento DVD? That's right, I'm gonna piss on it.

Whoa, WHOA WAIT A MINUTE! I think I got it. They're in Hell. Yeah, that has to be it. They're all dead and in Hell and that's why all their problems can't be solved by taking a leak in public. Damn, this all makes sense now. Or maybe they're just dreaming that they're in Hell...crap, I'm confused now. Maybe I should go see the movie again.

Some Guy Trying To Figure Out "Lost"

When it first started I figured this was some Gilligan's Island type deal where the plane survivors would start building shit out of coconuts and have sex with monkeys (come on, you know they were doing that) while the radio would talk about nothing but them for years. After a while, though, it seemed so obvious they were in Hell or Purgatory or something but the producers insisted that they were all very much alive and not in Hell. I figured the producers were just total douchenozzles and that the last episode would show them in Hell and they'd come on and say, "Ha ha, you just wasted years trying to figure this out but they were in Hell the whole time like you thought."

Some time went by and I thought, "Nah, they're not in Hell, that's just stupid." This was when they started finding the polar bears and the sharks with that weird logo tattooed on them and THAT was what made me think that they're being manipulated by a group of super intelligent bears and sharks working together to conquer the world. I dismissed that when I realized bears and sharks would more likely try to eat each other before they would ever work together so I was back at square one.

After I got past the bear/shark conspiracy, the Others showed up. This is where I said, "Oh come on!" and almost stopped watching cause I figured they were just pulling things out of their butts at this point. That and the way they're on the island and then they're doing flashbacks to some time when they went out to buy bananas or some shit like that made me think, "Why bother? I can't keep up." Still, I stuck it out.

When six of the island's inhabitants got off the island, I figured the damn show would be ending then but the damn thing is still on so I have to keep thinking about it. I thought maybe the Oceanic Six would get an apartment together and the whole thing would turn into a sitcom with wacky situations like the Smoke Monster almost getting them evicted by setting off the smoke alarms but no, instead we see them wandering around looking all mopey even though they got off that stupid island where people were always shooting at them.

Speaking of that Smoke Monster, what's the deal with that? Is it some animal that's on fire? Now they're saying the Monster is also Locke who's dead but is alive back home because a bomb went off that never went off so the plane that crashed never did so everyone on the island is also back in Los Angeles eating In And Out Burgers instead of the wild boar that they're eating cause they're stuck on the island Norman Coordinate!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. I think they're in Hell.

*Come on, you know they were doing that.