Friday, October 1, 2010

Some Guy Tries To Figure Out Mad Men

I usually only like television shows where a guy puts on sunglasses while making sarcastic comments about dead bodies and then sprinkles white powder on everything which he looks at under a microscope and then BAM the crime is solved. Knowing this about me, my friends still insisted that I watch Mad Men. I just need to ask, is this a real show? I wouldn't put it past my friends to make a fake television show and try to pass it off as real. Still, it's been going on for years and I've seen those actors in other things so if it was a joke or a hoax, it would have gotten awfully expensive by now.

Assuming it's real, what's the deal with it? There's this really handsome guy named Don except his name's not really Don, it's Dick. When someone first called him that, I thought he was being insulted but it turned out to be his name. Anyway, Don/Dick is great at coming up with slogans to sell things like Ajax so this big 1960s Madison Avenue advertising firm hires him. I guess he lied on the part of his job application that asks if this is your real name or a totally bogus one or maybe they just didn't care about things like fake names back in the 60s. When Don/Dick isn't trying to come up with slogans that will get people to smoke Lucky Strikes, he's grabbing almost every vaguely hot woman and bangs her. I didn't know people even had sex in the 60s but, if this show is to be believed, they did it a lot.

For some reason, there are two women Double D hasn't touched who work right there in his office. There's Peggy who, for some reason, passed on don and got herself knocked up by some scummy little shrimp boy named Pete Campbell. Peggy is always getting harassed at the office because she's a woman but, for some reason, she never goes to her HR rep to complain. Maybe women were cool with that stuff back in the 60s.

Another woman Don has never been inside of is Joan, which is very odd since she has breasts that have their own gravitational field. Seriously, I bet immigration is always searching her since she could smuggle illegal immigrants between those things.

Thing that gets me about Mad Men is that everything people say has about eight different meanings. If Peggy says, "Hi, Don," it's a greeting, an insult, a subtle comment on interpersonal relationships between men and women in the days before women's lib was in full swing and a question about whether Don wants to go grab tacos with her for lunch or just eat a tuna salad sandwich at his desk. In Two and a Half Men, when Charlie Sheen says he wants to have sex with a woman, that's what he means, damn it. Why can't Mad Men strive to be more like that show?

You know what? Maybe I'm wrong about all of this. My only consolation is that soon, if I remember my history correctly, the Vietnamese will soon invade America and kill them all. I'll definitely watch that episode.

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