Martial Arts And Monkey Kings, Who Could Ask For Anything More?

If you take the most mega-awesome thing you ever saw and up its mega-awesomeness by 10%, the result will be The Forbidden Kingdom. Mind you, it's not a particularly good movie. The opening scenes especially are filled with stupid dialogue and cardboard characters that felt less like they had been written by people and more like they had been written by Microsoft Screenplay Generator 2008. That involves the silly story of some nerdy slacker douchebag named Jason who's so obsessed with martial arts movies that his favorite thing to do is go to a small shop in Chinatown run by an old man named Hop (Jackie Chan, one of his two roles) who sells bootleg copies of such films. When Jason is confronted by a gang of tough guy stereotypes who demand that he help them to rob Hop's store, he does so because, as I've already said, he's a douchebag. However, as all movie fans know, small stores in Chinatown always contain some sort of powerful magic, be it a gremlin, a sword or, in this case, the Golden Staff of the Monkey King. When Jason suddenly seems to be mysteriously dragged off the top of a building by the staff, the movie really takes off.

Jason suddenly finds himself at some point in ancient China. The country is ruled by an immortal sorcerer called the Jade Warlord (Collin Chou) who long ago tricked his nemesis, a powerful warrior called the Monkey King (Jet Li in one of his two roles), into setting aside the staff that made him immune to the Warlord's magic, the same staff that Jason has just brought from the future. Strangely, Chinese history makes no mention of China ever having been ruled by some guy called the Jade Warlord, something about which I'm sure that Chinese historians are very embarrassed. Anyway, the Warlord was then able to turn the Monkey King into stone, a curse that cannot be lifted until the staff is returned to him.

And thus, we have the set up for the next 90 minutes. Jason is aided by Chan's other character Lu Yan, yet another immortal who gains unstoppable martial arts abilities when he guzzles wine. Seriously. He also encounters the prettiest girl in China, Golden Sparrow (Yifei Lu), who has a vendetta against the Jade Warlord as well as an unfortunate attraction to loser Caucasians which is good news for Jason. He also meets the Silent Monk* played by Jet Li. These four figure that they're more than a match for a sorcerer and his thousand man army and darn it all if they aren't right, especially after Li and Chan train Jason in the ways of kung fu. Apparently, it only take about 6-8 minutes to completely master that particular martial art which is fortunate when the Jade Warlord sends a sexy witch named Ni Chang played by actress Bingbing Li (who would have to be named Lik Mi Dong to have a name that sounds more humorous to Americans).

So, why do I call this movie mega-awesome? First, it has both Jackie Chan and Jet Li, either of whom automatically move even the crappiest movie into the awesome category. If you want me to go see a movie, just tell me that either Jackie Chan or Jet Li are in it. I'll even defend Chan's The Tuxedo or Li's The One. Hell, they could star in the remake of Yentl and I'd be the first one (and probably the only one) in line at the theater. Second, the scenery and sets are incredible, at least in the part of the movie set in China. I see a lot of flat, ugly movies with zero visual imagination so this is like a steak dinner for my eyes after months of my eyes eating at Burger King. Third, martial arts choreographed by the guys who did the Matrix which is always a good thing. All of these things gloss over the dumb spots in the plot and the occasionally stupid dialogue, like when narrating over Jason's training montage and and starts throwing out Yoda/Morpheus type lines like, "You must become nothing to gain everything."

I wish the whole world was like me because then this movie would make 8 trillion dollars and we'd have many more martial arts epics starring Jackie Chan and Jet Li. Until the human race turns into a Borg like race with me as its Overmind, I guess I'll just have to settle for The Forbidden Kingdom.

*I have no idea why he's called the Silent Monk as he talks non stop. I only knew that this was his name when the credits started to roll.