Zo-Kay

You Don't Mess With The Zohan is a movie I was sort of looking forward to mainly because the commercials always made me laugh. It's also a movie I was dreading because it's an Adam Sandler Movie. I've talked before about how there is a difference between The Adam Sandler Movie (a movie in which Adam Sandler is more or less in control of the script and the movie's content) and a movie that has Adam Sandler in it (in which Sandler is primarily an actor and most of the creative control lies with others). Spanglish is an excellent example of the latter. While still a comedy, it was more serious in its tone and presentation. In fact, Sandler's John Clasky character was actually more of a supporting character to Paz Vega's Flor Moreno*. An excellent example of the former is my favorite Adam Sandler movie, 50 First Dates. You may remember that as the movie where Drew Barrymore played a woman with no short term memory thus making it difficult for Sandler's character to win her love. In addition to often being quite funny, it was also often very touching. Mixed in with all this was a scene where a German she-male was vomited on by a walrus and approximately 8000 jokes about a guy whose testicles are shrinking due to steroid use. When that happens, you know you're in An Adam Sandler Movie and that Teh StoopiD has only just begun.

Zohan establishes very quickly that it is An Adam Sandler Movie. It opens on an Israeli beach that apparently has one of the most strongly enforced No Fat Chicks policies on the planet. In fact, they seem to have gone beyond that and only allow Maxim models. In the midst of this we meet Sandler's character Zohan, Israel's top counterterrorism agent. Just walking along the beach, we see that Zohan possesses super-human abilities just by the way he plays hacky-sack. We also get our first Adam Sandler Movie Moment when he catches the sack in his butt and shoots it high into the sky. Our next Adam Sandler Movie Moment comes when he and his buddy scoop up the 3 hottest women in Israel for a private beach party where the girls don't mind in the least that he grills fish stark naked, throws them around and, in a radical creative departure, catches one in his butt. At that moment, Zohan's army comrades land a helicopter on the beach to fetch him for a terrorist crisis that suddenly popped up and we get to see Zohan angrily pull the stained fish out of his butt, get dressed and disco dance his way onto the chopper.

We are then treated to an amusing collection of Jewish stereotypes including his commanding officer who passive-aggressively gets Zohan to agree to raid a Palestinian compound by himself by talking about the large civilian casualties that would occur if the army sent in a squadron of soldiers. Zohan then raids the compound where he almost floats to the roof, kicks through walls and catches bullets in midair before meeting his old nemesis, a Palestinian known simply as the Phantom (John Turturro). The Phantom seemingly kills Zohan, an opportunity that Zohan uses to disappear and sneak off to America where he feels he can fulfill his heart's desire, to be a hair stylist.

After getting laughed out of every large styling salon in New York, he winds up in a small shop run by, of all things, a Palestinian girl named Dalia (Emmanuelle Chriqui). Or, as I should say, the hottest Palestinian girl on the planet. Anyone who's ever seen a movie before knows that it will only be a matter of time before Zohan falls for her completely and wants to, shall we say, build a settlement in her territory. Until then, we get lots of Adam Sandler Movie Moments. The dumbest one is where he has endless sex with every one of the female clients. What elevates that from dumb to Adam Sandler Dumb is that he does so in a way that literally shakes the walls so that everyone else in the salon, including Dalia, knows exactly what he's doing. So, does Dalia ever take him off to the side and say, "Hey, I appreciate all the business you've been bringing and I don't want to tell you how to live, but what you've been doing is very rude and improper and has to stop," or, more likely, "WHAT IN ALLAH'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE EVER BEEN AROUND OTHER PEOPLE? GET THE HELL OUT!" Nope, she and the other stylists just smile and get back to work.

And so we come down to the main point: is Zohan worth seeing? I'm going to say yes, though barely. Ultimately, I feel that there is enough genuine humor to overcome the Adam Sandler silliness. Hell, for once even Rob Schneider, a staple in Adam Sandler Movies, made me laugh. He plays a a Palestinian immigrant who recognizes Zohan and tries to call Hezbollah's Help Line to find out what to do about it. So go ahead, see Don't Mess With The Zohan and rest assured that, when you're seeing something stupid that, as with all things, this too shall pass and the funny stuff will start again.

* Thank you, IMDB, for making me look like I have an excellent memory for character names and other cinematic trivia.

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Things I've Learned From Watching Movies Part 26

Apparently, short people exist for our amusement and serve no other purpose.

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Dumb Ideas With A Lemon Twist

So you're sitting there thinking, "Hey Mike, is there such a thing as an idea so stupid that it couldn't possibly be made into a movie? And how the hell are you reading my mind?" The answer to the second question is, "I was bitten by a radioactive spider that could read minds." The answer to the first question is, "No. No. Sweet Lordy Lord, no." You want proof? Sure, why not. For your consideration, I submit three words and a number:

Beverly. Hills. Cop. 4.

Yep, that's right, and I lay the blame for this at the feet of Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Harrison Ford. In the past year, these three guys have dug up the bodies of their long-dead franchises, tied strings to the rotting corpses and marched these zombies across the screen to varying degrees of success (Ford-decent, Willis-ok, Stallone-bleh). One thing they had in common, though, was that none of them measured up to earlier efforts in their respective series. Maybe the public has been desperately yearning to see the further adventures of Axel Foley while making damn sure to keep that desperate yearning a deep, dark secret. Hell, maybe the odds of a new chapter in a very old series being bad are bound to change and BHC 4 will be the most awesomest movie ever. But no, that won't happen because of three words:

Director. Brett. Ratner.

Brett Ratner's movies have a wide range in quality from "Totally Sucks" to "Ok, This Doesn't Quite Totally Suck". Ratner also has a history of taking a hit movie (Rush Hour) and making a mediocre sequel years after people ceased giving a crap about the first one (Rush Hour 3). But wait, this isn't all. Everything so far has been the lead up to...um...this many words:

When asked what is biggest challenge would be, Ratner seemed to indicate that his new film would be geared towards a very PG audience.

“10-year-old kids, 12-year-old kids don’t really know the old ‘Beverly Hills Cop.’ So it’s an opportunity to make it new for kids,” Ratner said. “The same way it felt for me watching ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ when I was a kid, that’s what I want to do for kids today.”

Yes, you read it right. Brett Ratner wants to take a series famous for its R-rated hijinks and gear it to pre-teens. "But Mike," you're thinking, "does this mean that we'll still get rousing scenes of ultra-violence mixed in with Eddie Murphy pretending he's a gay man with herpes so he can con his way into a fancy restaurant?" NO! It means the exact opposite. My God, what a stupid question. What kind of brain damage case asks a question like that? Your stupidity aside, this is just a horrible idea. I'm not ready to officially make part of Movies I Haven't Seen and declare it hopelessly horrible, especially since it is at least a year away from being made. Perhaps watching a middle aged Eddie Murphy making sure to wear his seat belt during car chases and substitute, "Kiss my ass," with, "Kiss my grits," will be in Ratner's, "Ok, This Doesn't Quite Totally Suck," category. And maybe all the world's unicorns will show up in Times Square to all touch their magical horns together and thus bring about world peace and a cure for shingles.

Oh well, may as well start writing the post I'll write someday when Beverly Hills Cop 5 is announced.

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Delusions Of Alba

As I was watching Hillary Clinton's speech on Tuesday, the one where she showed us all that she's not the kind of gal to give up on a fight just because she has lost and the other guy is now giving his victory speech, something occurred to me. Hillary Clinton thinking she can still win the presidency is like me still thinking that I can someday get together with Jessica Alba.

"Get together" could mean a number of things. Everything from a one-time encounter in the toilet of an airplane to us picking out china patterns together would be acceptable. Still, I am not insane and realize that Jessica Alba and I will never so much as discuss the weather together (which is a shame as I have been told that I am enchanting when talking about the humidity). No, J-Bear* and I will never have anything other than the fantasies I have about her and the fantasies she has about me.

Or will we? If I adopt Hillary Clinton's view of the world and attitude toward lost causes, I could not only hold out hope of an eventual Clear-Alba romance but could even afford to form a dangerous obsession for her.

For example, Jessica Alba and I have never met and probably never will as we live 3000 miles apart and move in completely different social circles. Is this an impediment to someday having her jeans rolled up on my bedroom floor and her underwear rolled up in my mouth? HELLS NO! Really, this problem could be solved with money. If I was rich, I could move to Hollywood and start hanging out with the bigs of the movie business so all I need do is win the lottery or invent a car that runs on water. Hence, our meeting is virtually assured.

Another problem is our age gap. I'm about 15 years older than she is so if we did meet, wouldn't she spend our whole time together trying to politely or maybe not so politely get away from the creepy old guy who's clearly imagining her naked? WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE? Using the Hillary Clinton mindset, I can see that she would instead recognize that I clearly have the experience necessary to be her boyfriend. Plus, maybe she has some sort of daddy issue that she can work out by having several reckless sexual encounters with me.

Okay, now for the big problem. She's been in a committed relationship with another guy for several years now. In fact, he knocked her up and she has since married him. I can't remember his name so let's just call him Queerboy Von Douchebag**. How could I think that Jessica would leave her precious Queerboy, the love of her life and father of her child, for me? BIG FAT HAIRY DEAL! Remember that this is Hollywood, a place where neither earthquakes nor marriages are regarded with any particular seriousness. Here's my winning, Clintonesque scenario: J-Bear and I meet. Naturally, she is charmed by my wit and observations about the humidity. She quickly sends Q.V.D packing, moves in with me and we raise the baby together.

Can this work? OH YEAH! J-Bear and I can make it work. Yes, we can!

*The nickname I would have someday given her. Her name for me would have been Mac-Attack.

**That would explain why she kept her maiden name.

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A Hazy Shade Of Winter In June

This isn't a good time for DVD releases since what we're getting now is all the crap that came out in January, February and March.

Sadly, the best title coming out is Semi-Pro which I reviewed here back in March. I'm fascinated that this mediocre comedy that didn't exactly set the box office on fire somehow rates being released as 2-Disc Special Edition. Maybe some of you out there can't wait to see the 3rd unit director's track where we find out about the care and feeding of Will Ferrell's fro and how Woody Harrelson would chug down absinthe between takes, grab people by the throat and demand that they explain to him how a guy who once headlined movies directed by Milos Forman and Oliver Stone ended up playing second fiddle to Ricky Bobby.

Moving on, the fact that old guys dying and Spartans break dancing failed to get people to leave their warm homes, walk through the snow and take out a second mortgage on their homes so they could afford the price of movie popcorn came as a surprise to no one save possibly the mothers of the people involved with those two films.

I didn't see Jessica Alba's The Eye but did I really need to? From what I saw in trailers and clips, it almost certainly failed to rise above the level of, "Cheesy remake of cheesy Japanese horror film that is so popular in American cinema these days." Those movies aren't hard to spot since they all have the same look and plot: Deformed ghosts march around in poorly lit environments getting pissed off at everyone around them for very vague reasons and always make damn sure that they aren't completely defeated so they can come back in the sequel. I'll probably rent it in the next couple of weeks and if I felt I was wrong, I'll say so. If not, you'll almost certainly never see me mention it again even though that almost certainly means that Jessica Alba will never give me oral sex. (I had the odds on that ever happening at a trillion to one but even that was good enough for me to rehearse what I was going to say as she was blowing me. It would have been something along the lines of, "Wow, you blowing me feels so good, Jessica Alba." Yeah, I know, I was still working on it but now I guess I shouldn't even bother.)

Well, that's about it. Oh, look, Jumper is coming out next week. Yay!

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Stranger Still

So there I am, feeling very smug about my smackdown of The Strangers that I wrote yesterday and satisfied by the fact that my meager readership had once again been saved by me from having to view an example of cinematic stupidity when I finally got around to reading Roger Ebert's review. He didn't like it either, a fact that was hardly surprising but he then had to go ahead and make me feel sorry for director Bryan Bertino. There are movie fans who obsess over behind-the-scenes details of movie making. They can tell you the life story of the guy who worked as key grip on Iron Man or that the actor who played "Guy Holding Hotdog" in Forgetting Sarah Marshall was a real trooper because he had an infected hangnail yet never let go of the hotdog even during multiple takes. I, however, am not one of those people. When it comes to movies, I care about what's on the screen and how it got there is generally immaterial, at least to me. If I know any sort of background, it's usually because it was some heavily publicized story. Bryan Bertino's story was not heavily publicized.

I knew this was his first movie both as writer and director because I looked that up as soon as I got home. That explained a lot of the film's story gaps and poorly made creative choices. Bertino's full story is a Hollywood dream come true. He was working as a laborer on some nameless low budget thing when he pitched his idea to his bosses and they not only picked it up but actually wanted him to direct it. I read once how Jack Palance got his role on Shane by lying when he said he knew how to ride a horse. Bertino takes that story and beats the crap out of it by agreeing to direct the movie then literally buying books on how to direct a film. If I take those facts and judge the movie by that standard, it's damn near a masterpiece. In fact, the job of direction was not what was wrong with the movie. Bertino did not make the mistakes that many first time directors make of taking every trick they learned in film school and combining them into an incomparable mish-mash that looks like it was made by a schizophrenic. These would include using every imaginable angle, having the camera spin, excessive use of slow motion* and telling half the movie in flashbacks**. Bertino may have actually been aided by the fact that he had not taken classes on these things. In an online interview, Bryan Bertino talks about his love of 70s genre films and I believe it shows up here. Instead of looking as if he'd swallowed everything he learned in film school and vomiting it all onto the screen, The Strangers more closely resembled the look and feel of movies like The Exorcist, Don't Look Now and even Halloween.

So Bertino has potential as a director. The flaws of the movie came from the writing which gave us villains who can seemingly move at super speed, walk through walls and see in the dark and heroes who often behave like idiots. Mr. Bertino, on the off chance that you are someone who obsessively Googles his own name and is actually reading this, you may not want to use old horror movie cliches like having your male lead say, "I'm going out to the shed to use the old radio," when everyone watching the movie knew that he shouldn't do that? And why shouldn't he do that? As I mentioned in my original review, at that point of the story he and his girlfriend had found the best position in the house and were defending it with A DAMN SHOTGUN!

Ebert also talks about something I had meant to address but simply forgot to do so. The movie opens with the words, "Inspired By True Events." If you ever see those words in a movie, you can rest assured that you are watching a work of complete fiction. Chronicles Of Narnia can probably make a better claim to being inspired by reality than any movie that actually claims to do so. Texas Chainsaw Massacre makes similar claims and it turned out that the "True Events" had nothing to do with an inbred Texas family headlined by a deformed chainsaw wielding psycho but rather by Wisconsin serial killer Ed Gein. In this case, "True Events" behind The Strangers were the murders committed by the Manson Family.

So, to sum up, despite newly found mitigating circumstances, The Strangers is a work of fiction that still sucks though perhaps we'll all pay attention to Bryan Bertino's next movie which will doubtlessly be about a psychopath who hacks apart a convent full of nuns that was inspired by a guy who accidentally stepped on a nun's foot.

*The Strangers opens with a slow motion sequence that made me wince as I figured it would be done again and again but that ended quickly and slow motion was not used again. so thanks for that at least, Bryan Bertino. That alone raises you above the level of Talentless Fuckwit.

**Again, there are a few flashbacks and I was worried we'd be seeing considerably more but they stop when the terror starts. This was another good decision and feeds into my classification of Bertino as "Not a Fuckwit."

Stranger Days Indeed

When I first heard that a movie was coming out called The Strangers, I assumed it was a sequel to the world famous Albert Camus novel, The Stranger. I was looking forward to a rousing exposition of both the existential and absurd and figured the movie's tagline would be something like, "This time, the search for relative truth is PERSONAL!"

Alas, it's a slasher film. More than that, it's an exercise in poor decision making and bad judgment. What sort of bad judgment, you ask? In addition to Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman, the only other actor in the film that I'd heard of was Gemma Ward. Never heard of her? This is what Gemma Ward looks like:

As you can see, she's more than a little bit cute. In fact, she's so pretty that people pay absurd amounts of money to take her picture or to get her to wear their clothes. Gemma Ward is a top fashion model who has been sought by top designers in every part of the world and has been on the cover of Vogue and other fashion magazines several times. So, Gemma Ward is a famous model with zero to no acting creds. When I heard she was going to be in this, I figured we'd get gratuitous bikini and underwear scenes which is normally why you hire a girl like her to be in your horror film. At the very least, Gemma Ward's role in The Strangers turned out to be a huge surprise. Instead of playing "Slutty Girl #2" or "Naked Girl In Shower" she plays a character listed by IMDB as Dollface, so called because, for most of the movie, one of the world's top models keeps her face hidden by a doll mask. The decision to do that is Mistake In Judgment #1 and, for me, defines the movie.

Mistake #2 was the decision to take all the potential that the movie showed in its earlier scenes and flush it right down the crapper. First time writer/director Brian Bertino does nothing to make people say, "Wow, this guy is a first time writer and director? This film is so professionally made that I'm just shocked." Instead, he studies and identifies the mistakes made by hundreds of other horror films and says to himself, "Awesome. That's what I'm going to do." Thus, the marvelous bit of foreshadowing where Gemma Ward knocks on the door of James and Kristen (Speedman and Tyler) at 4 AM, making sure to unscrew their porch light so they can't see her face, and proceeds to be as creepy as can be before saying, "See you later," and wandering off is completely undone by the horror movie cliches that follow. Dollface shows up with 2 other deranged psycho killers and Man Oh Man, did they ever hit the Deranged Psycho Killer Lottery. God must really love sadistic killers because He makes sure that one of the characters leaves his cell phone in the car and that the other one didn't bother to charge hers that day. For the next 90 minutes, He also allows them to effortlessly control these 2 innocent characters in a game of cat and mouse and aren't even stopped when James manages to get hold of a shotgun.

Yeah, that's right, one of the movie's heroes find a damn SHOTGUN! One would think that the killers, who are armed only with an ax and their ability to be staring into windows at the exact moment that the two victims happen to be looking out of them, would be at a distinct disadvantage. If you thought that, you would be suffering from an annoying urge think realistically and not realize that the true advantage lies with the killers. This is because the killers are extraordinarily lucky and because one of the prizes of the Deranged Psycho Killer Lottery is that your victims are extraordinarily stupid. At one point, Dollface, referring to her group's intent to commit future acts of terror and murder, says, "It'll be easier next time," which almost caused me to stand up and yell, "NO! It will never be easier than this because you will never again find people so stupid that they'll leave their defensible position so they can go running into the dark forest and trip over stuff," and yes, those things actually happen.

Anyhoo, from then on horrific acts of terror are mixed on both sides with blatant acts of stupidity, such as when Kristin fails to pick up her bigass butcher knife before trying to hide and when the killers make sure to act really creepy while shwoing their faces to witnesses in the neighborhood where horrible crimes had just occured. If you ever want to hear an entire theater full of people groan, go to this movie and watch the scene just before the credits roll. Otherwise, don't see The Strangers at all.