Dumb Ideas With A Lemon Twist

So you're sitting there thinking, "Hey Mike, is there such a thing as an idea so stupid that it couldn't possibly be made into a movie? And how the hell are you reading my mind?" The answer to the second question is, "I was bitten by a radioactive spider that could read minds." The answer to the first question is, "No. No. Sweet Lordy Lord, no." You want proof? Sure, why not. For your consideration, I submit three words and a number:

Beverly. Hills. Cop. 4.

Yep, that's right, and I lay the blame for this at the feet of Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Harrison Ford. In the past year, these three guys have dug up the bodies of their long-dead franchises, tied strings to the rotting corpses and marched these zombies across the screen to varying degrees of success (Ford-decent, Willis-ok, Stallone-bleh). One thing they had in common, though, was that none of them measured up to earlier efforts in their respective series. Maybe the public has been desperately yearning to see the further adventures of Axel Foley while making damn sure to keep that desperate yearning a deep, dark secret. Hell, maybe the odds of a new chapter in a very old series being bad are bound to change and BHC 4 will be the most awesomest movie ever. But no, that won't happen because of three words:

Director. Brett. Ratner.

Brett Ratner's movies have a wide range in quality from "Totally Sucks" to "Ok, This Doesn't Quite Totally Suck". Ratner also has a history of taking a hit movie (Rush Hour) and making a mediocre sequel years after people ceased giving a crap about the first one (Rush Hour 3). But wait, this isn't all. Everything so far has been the lead up to...um...this many words:

When asked what is biggest challenge would be, Ratner seemed to indicate that his new film would be geared towards a very PG audience.

“10-year-old kids, 12-year-old kids don’t really know the old ‘Beverly Hills Cop.’ So it’s an opportunity to make it new for kids,” Ratner said. “The same way it felt for me watching ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ when I was a kid, that’s what I want to do for kids today.”

Yes, you read it right. Brett Ratner wants to take a series famous for its R-rated hijinks and gear it to pre-teens. "But Mike," you're thinking, "does this mean that we'll still get rousing scenes of ultra-violence mixed in with Eddie Murphy pretending he's a gay man with herpes so he can con his way into a fancy restaurant?" NO! It means the exact opposite. My God, what a stupid question. What kind of brain damage case asks a question like that? Your stupidity aside, this is just a horrible idea. I'm not ready to officially make part of Movies I Haven't Seen and declare it hopelessly horrible, especially since it is at least a year away from being made. Perhaps watching a middle aged Eddie Murphy making sure to wear his seat belt during car chases and substitute, "Kiss my ass," with, "Kiss my grits," will be in Ratner's, "Ok, This Doesn't Quite Totally Suck," category. And maybe all the world's unicorns will show up in Times Square to all touch their magical horns together and thus bring about world peace and a cure for shingles.

Oh well, may as well start writing the post I'll write someday when Beverly Hills Cop 5 is announced.

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