I've been kicking around this idea to take movie trailers, edit in audio comments by me and call it Trailer Trash. So, over the weekend, I gave it a shot and the result is below. The idea was to have commentary on the trailer and how I thought the movie itself would be but, mostly, I just did riffs. I don't really know why. The creative process is weird. How weird? This weird:
So far, it has a one star rating on YouTube and a comment from someone who said it was awful. I almost pulled it off until I saw clicked the guy's profile and saw he was some freakishly huge Keanu Reeves fan so he wasn't the best judge for this. Oh well, be back tomorrow with a real post.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Things I've Learned From Watching Movies Part 51
Everything Jim Carrey does is funny. He seems to think so, anyway.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Dogs And Cats Living Together! Mass Hysteria!
Josh Horowitz at MTV Moviesblog asked this question:
No, we should not. Well, glad I could be of help, Josh. If you need anything else...oh, sorry, you have another question?
Oh Lordy Lord No! Hell No! Jesus H. Christ On A Pogo Stick No! There is not a hint of conflict nor a glimmer of doubt in my firm stand against a new Ghostbusters movie. The last Ghostbusters movie was made almost 20 years ago and it wasn't even all that good. This means that, for two decades, some really sucky ideas have had time to be created, gestate, grow and mature into the basis for movies like, well, Ghostbusters 2 for example. I don't care if you have writers from The Office working on the script. You could dig up Billy Wilder and have him write and direct and there would still be nothing but a slim chance that this would beat the odds and not be on a level of quality equal to a Bill Engvall straight-to-DVD release.
We almost had a Ghostbusters 3 several years back in which Chris Farley would have taken over the lead character slot from Bill Murray. It's been several minutes since I typed that last sentence. In that time, I've been trying to think of a way to say that I'm happy that Farley apparently took the project with him into his grave without sounding like an insensitive and obnoxious jerk who would make light of Farley's death. Oh well, screw sensitivity. Farley helped America dodge a bullet when he bravely sacrificed himself to save us all from Ghostbusters 3 and now these heartless filmmakers want to take that heroic act and piss all over it.
This is pretty much what the plot will be: Oscar, the baby from Ghostbusters 2, has grown up to be a complete douche who can't get laid. Through a series of improbable circumstances, he hooks up with two other people (one who's even more of a spazz than he is, the other a girl who's both super smart and super hot) to reform the Ghostbusters just in time to face down some Lovecraftian super horror. They get into all kinds of hijinks like Oscar accidentally exposing himself to Smart/Hot Girl and Spazz accidentally getting his head stuck up a cow's ass as they work to defeat the big ball of evil that is forming over New York or whatever city they are in (this will cause right wing bloggers to complain that the movie is PC because the evil force trying to destroy New York isn't Muslim). Eventually, they all defeat the hell beast and Oscar and Smart/Hot Girl, despite the fact that they initially disliked each other, end up in bed "crossing their streams" while Spazz ends up with a couple of Playboy models who rejected him earlier but now figure they owe him a pity-screw since he saved their lives.
There, now that we all know what will happen, there's no reason to make the movie. Glad I could help.
Should we not want another “Ghostbusters” film?
No, we should not. Well, glad I could be of help, Josh. If you need anything else...oh, sorry, you have another question?
I’m conflicted, are you?
Oh Lordy Lord No! Hell No! Jesus H. Christ On A Pogo Stick No! There is not a hint of conflict nor a glimmer of doubt in my firm stand against a new Ghostbusters movie. The last Ghostbusters movie was made almost 20 years ago and it wasn't even all that good. This means that, for two decades, some really sucky ideas have had time to be created, gestate, grow and mature into the basis for movies like, well, Ghostbusters 2 for example. I don't care if you have writers from The Office working on the script. You could dig up Billy Wilder and have him write and direct and there would still be nothing but a slim chance that this would beat the odds and not be on a level of quality equal to a Bill Engvall straight-to-DVD release.
We almost had a Ghostbusters 3 several years back in which Chris Farley would have taken over the lead character slot from Bill Murray. It's been several minutes since I typed that last sentence. In that time, I've been trying to think of a way to say that I'm happy that Farley apparently took the project with him into his grave without sounding like an insensitive and obnoxious jerk who would make light of Farley's death. Oh well, screw sensitivity. Farley helped America dodge a bullet when he bravely sacrificed himself to save us all from Ghostbusters 3 and now these heartless filmmakers want to take that heroic act and piss all over it.
This is pretty much what the plot will be: Oscar, the baby from Ghostbusters 2, has grown up to be a complete douche who can't get laid. Through a series of improbable circumstances, he hooks up with two other people (one who's even more of a spazz than he is, the other a girl who's both super smart and super hot) to reform the Ghostbusters just in time to face down some Lovecraftian super horror. They get into all kinds of hijinks like Oscar accidentally exposing himself to Smart/Hot Girl and Spazz accidentally getting his head stuck up a cow's ass as they work to defeat the big ball of evil that is forming over New York or whatever city they are in (this will cause right wing bloggers to complain that the movie is PC because the evil force trying to destroy New York isn't Muslim). Eventually, they all defeat the hell beast and Oscar and Smart/Hot Girl, despite the fact that they initially disliked each other, end up in bed "crossing their streams" while Spazz ends up with a couple of Playboy models who rejected him earlier but now figure they owe him a pity-screw since he saved their lives.
There, now that we all know what will happen, there's no reason to make the movie. Glad I could help.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
No One Could Have Predicted...
Wow, NBC is canceling Knight Rider, news that probably caused most people to say, "Knight Rider was still on?" I watched the first half hour of the premiere episode back in May and that was enough for me. From the commercials I see they turned KITT into a Transformer too. I wonder if the producers are right now trying to convince NBC to change their minds by saying, "We made him a Transformer but that was only the beginning. We have a plan to make that damn car into a vampire who romances a teenage girl. You can't ask for more than that."
And you know what? As bad as Knight Rider was, it could have been worse. That's true for television, movies and life in general. It can always be worse. Don't believe me?
Sorry to have taken from you one minute of your life that you can never get back, but I felt this point needed to be made: IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE! Never forget that.
And you know what? As bad as Knight Rider was, it could have been worse. That's true for television, movies and life in general. It can always be worse. Don't believe me?
Sorry to have taken from you one minute of your life that you can never get back, but I felt this point needed to be made: IT CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE! Never forget that.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
You Did It! You Finally Did It!
So there I am, looking through the various movie news sites when I pretty much trip over this little gem. It turns out that Fox is planning to do a remake of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. This caused me to scratch my head and stroke my chin for a minute or two as I thought, "There was a movie called Conquest of the Planet of the Apes?" A quick IMDB search jogged my memory and reminded me that this was the movie where Caesar, the son of Cornelius and Zira, who had come back in time to the 1970s, resurfaced in the year 1999 when apes are used as slave labor and leads them in a revolt against their human oppressors. You all remember when that happened back in 1999, right? What? You don't? Bah! I bet you don't remember when the aliens landed on the last day of that year bringing Jesus back with them too. This probably has something to do with Y2K, another thing people barely remember.
Anyway, when I read the plot synopsis, I said, "Oh yeah, that one," which, after the second movie in the Planet of the Apes series, is how I describe all the sequels. The second one is memorable only because of the mutants living in their underground city where they worship, "The holy and everlasting bomb," which means their god is either a nuclear weapon or a DVD of Australia. A remake of Conquest couldn't possibly be any worse than Tim Burton's stupid little Planet of the Apes remake back in 2001 so they may as well go for it.
What struck me as funny, though, is how director Scott Frank is trying to deny that Caesar is a remake of Conquest. Use the word "remake" around Scott Frank and he'll get the same look on his face as I do when you say "pineapple pizza" around me.*
No no no, Caesar will be a complete re-imagining. A re-invention. A complete re-new-movie-with-all-different-plot-thingies, if you will. He says the apes won't talk or run wild in the street as they take over the world. I'll admit that some of his ideas are intriguing and the idea that this could actually be a serious attempt at science fiction instead of Hollywood's idea of science fiction** does cause my belly button to pucker and unpucker in excitement. However, Mr. Frank, sir, dude, it's a remake. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it's definitely a remake. Does it have a chimp named Caesar and super intelligent apes bred for slave labor?*** Then change whatever you want but you ain't getting away from the dreaded "R" word. Make it about intelligent ocelots trying to put on a revival of South Pacific and it'll still be a remake. The only other thing it could be is a ripoff, which is an even worse "R" word.
I wonder if this means I can get my own movie project made. It's called Luke and it's about a young man who must master an ancient Force in order to defeat a Galactic Empire. Trust me, you've never seen anything quite like it.
*I hate pineapple pizza. I should probably have mentioned that.
**That being "Let's take the explosions and chase scenes we have in every other movie and set them in space."
***Who the hell came up with that stupid idea anyway? I wonder how lazy do you have to be before you say "I'm tired of having to scramble my own eggs. Let's make monkeys smart enough to do that for me."
Anyway, when I read the plot synopsis, I said, "Oh yeah, that one," which, after the second movie in the Planet of the Apes series, is how I describe all the sequels. The second one is memorable only because of the mutants living in their underground city where they worship, "The holy and everlasting bomb," which means their god is either a nuclear weapon or a DVD of Australia. A remake of Conquest couldn't possibly be any worse than Tim Burton's stupid little Planet of the Apes remake back in 2001 so they may as well go for it.
What struck me as funny, though, is how director Scott Frank is trying to deny that Caesar is a remake of Conquest. Use the word "remake" around Scott Frank and he'll get the same look on his face as I do when you say "pineapple pizza" around me.*
No no no, Caesar will be a complete re-imagining. A re-invention. A complete re-new-movie-with-all-different-plot-thingies, if you will. He says the apes won't talk or run wild in the street as they take over the world. I'll admit that some of his ideas are intriguing and the idea that this could actually be a serious attempt at science fiction instead of Hollywood's idea of science fiction** does cause my belly button to pucker and unpucker in excitement. However, Mr. Frank, sir, dude, it's a remake. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it's definitely a remake. Does it have a chimp named Caesar and super intelligent apes bred for slave labor?*** Then change whatever you want but you ain't getting away from the dreaded "R" word. Make it about intelligent ocelots trying to put on a revival of South Pacific and it'll still be a remake. The only other thing it could be is a ripoff, which is an even worse "R" word.
I wonder if this means I can get my own movie project made. It's called Luke and it's about a young man who must master an ancient Force in order to defeat a Galactic Empire. Trust me, you've never seen anything quite like it.
*I hate pineapple pizza. I should probably have mentioned that.
**That being "Let's take the explosions and chase scenes we have in every other movie and set them in space."
***Who the hell came up with that stupid idea anyway? I wonder how lazy do you have to be before you say "I'm tired of having to scramble my own eggs. Let's make monkeys smart enough to do that for me."
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Who Was It That Said...
"Yeah, sure, it's a beloved science fiction classic that is still watched and enjoyed over 50 years later, but you know the one thing it's missing? Keanu Reeves."
I was going to say, "I really hope this isn't a hit because then they'll want to remake Forbidden Planet." However, after a quick Google search, I must now change that too, "At least J. Michael Straczynski's involved."
I wonder how long it'll be before Timecop gets remade. That's a movie that could actually be helped by the presence of Keanu Reeves.
I was going to say, "I really hope this isn't a hit because then they'll want to remake Forbidden Planet." However, after a quick Google search, I must now change that too, "At least J. Michael Straczynski's involved."
I wonder how long it'll be before Timecop gets remade. That's a movie that could actually be helped by the presence of Keanu Reeves.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Let The Dingo Eat This Baby
Did you ever order a steak dinner and get a tough steak, bland potatoes, and a wilted salad. Oh, it may taste ok once you add A-1 on the steak, salt and butter on the potatoes and dressing on the salad but you're still disappointed. Australia is kind of like that, only for it to truly be like that particular steak dinner, the steak would have to come to life, kick you on the crotch, expose itself to your date then run out and take a leak on your car.
Somehow or other, director Bax Luhrmann managed to convince studio executives to let him make a long and ridiculously expensive three hour film "epic" even though the only truly epic aspect is it's three hour length. I've heard stories that 20th Century Fox's owner, native born Aussie and Sith Lord Rupert Murdoch, fell in love with fellow Aussie Luhrmann's vision of the film and started handing out checks to him in the same way that a crack dealer would hand out crack to crack addicts if they gave away crack instead of charging for it. Which they don't. This resulted in total creative freedom for a director whose two biggest directorial achievements were remaking Romeo and Juliet in the style of a campy drag show and Moulin Rouge, a movie that looks like it was made by having Luhrmann wire a camera directly into his brain so that he could actually film an acid trip he was having.
The movie opens in England in 1939 where Lady Sarah Ashley (Nicole Kidman) is actually considering leaving her perfectly decent country to see what her husband has been up to while on a trip to Faraway Downs, the vast Australian cattle ranch they own. It's odd to me that a movie whose creators were trying to glorify their home country ended up portraying said country as the planet's armpit but that's pretty much how Australia makes the real Australia look. After ignoring all the people who said, "Uh, you know, we're about to go to war with Germany, don't you think it'd be a bad time to travel halfway around the world?" she sets sail and ends up in the city of Darwin, the capital of Australia's Northern Territory. I know it was 1939 but I'd like that one of Australia's most prominent cities had more going for it than the broken down buildings, manure filled streets and endless array of backwoods drongos that fill this movie. The Japanese bombed this place in 1942 because they thought it was an essential and important target and, if this movie was all I had to go on, I have to ask why they bothered. A pig farm in Alabama would have been a better target than the Darwin of this movie's world.
We also meet The Drover (Hugh Jackman). Drover is the only name we're ever told he has which really limited his career options. It would be tough to enter the world of physics research or high finance with a name like The Drover. Drover was sent by Sarah's husband to escort her over the long journey to Faraway Downs. Drover shows how seriously he takes that responsibility by getting into a bar fight just as her ship pulls into the harbor. As they travel over the godforsaken spot of the Earth that is the Northern Territories during the dry season, Sarah and Drover develop the kind of childish contempt for one another that good looking people in movies always develop when, in fact, they are destined to sleep together.
When they arrive at Faraway Downs, they discover that Sarah's husband has been killed, possibly by an Aboriginal shaman named King George. We also meet Nullah, a character who is another example of what not to do when you're trying to make a movie showing the rest of the world how awesome your country is. Nullah is the son of an Aborigine mother and a white father. This makes him the target of one of Australia's most shameful historical practices, that being a century-long assimilation program in which children of mixed race were taken from their families and placed into institutions where, as one particularly racist character puts it, they can "breed the black out of them." Nullah lives with his mother on the ranch but always has to hide when the authorities show up so he doesn't get taken. Sarah, a woman who can't have children, bonds with Nullah after his mother dies and even talks of adopting him since his father, Neil Fletcher (David Wenham), is a huge dick who couldn't care less about Nullah. Fletcher is also the movie's main villain who, while working as a ranch hand at Faraway Downs, is also secretly working for rival cattle baron King Carney (Bryan Brown). Carney's goal is to dominate the beef industry in the Northern Territory so that he can fulfill his dream of becoming a sleazy war profiteer by charging the British military a ridiculous price for the beef it needs to feed the troops who are about to fight Germany.
After Sarah gets Drover to help her organize the cattle drive from Faraway Downs to Darwin, they discover that it was actually Fletcher who killed her husband and is now doing things like having her cattle stampede and poison all the water holes in the desert. It should come as no surprise that they manage to overcome all that, get the cows to market on time and foil Carney and Fletcher's plan to screw over the military during wartime. It should also come as no surprise that Sarah and Drover suddenly notice that they are the two hottest people in Australia and jump into bed together. Sarah, at least, did show her late husband the respect of waiting a good two weeks or so before letting another man penetrate her but, in her defense, sex, up to this point in her life, was only something she did when she wanted her wealthy husband to buy her a new necklace and not the delightfully filthy stuff she does with The Drover.
So, there you have it, the whole predictable plot of this dreadfully average movie and OH MY FREAKIN GOD THE MOVIE'S NOT EVEN HALF OVER YET. Yes, we have to see these boring, two dimensional characters (especially Fletcher, one of the least interesting movie villains I've seen in a while) stretch this snooze fest out for another 90 minutes. Over the next couple of years, we see how smart Drover is by choosing to drove cattle for six months at a time instead of living as a ranch manager at Faraway Downs with the most beautiful woman he's ever known and we see how smart Sarah is by tolerating this. We also see that 11 year old Nullah possesses what must be some sort of ancient Aboriginal power to not grown an inch even though the story stretches from 1939 to 1942.
So, if your idea of a good time at the movies is watching pretty people doing boring things with spectacular shots of the Australian wild in the background, then Australia is definitely for you. At least there weren't any biker gangs looking for gasoline. Sorry, couldn't resist that.
Somehow or other, director Bax Luhrmann managed to convince studio executives to let him make a long and ridiculously expensive three hour film "epic" even though the only truly epic aspect is it's three hour length. I've heard stories that 20th Century Fox's owner, native born Aussie and Sith Lord Rupert Murdoch, fell in love with fellow Aussie Luhrmann's vision of the film and started handing out checks to him in the same way that a crack dealer would hand out crack to crack addicts if they gave away crack instead of charging for it. Which they don't. This resulted in total creative freedom for a director whose two biggest directorial achievements were remaking Romeo and Juliet in the style of a campy drag show and Moulin Rouge, a movie that looks like it was made by having Luhrmann wire a camera directly into his brain so that he could actually film an acid trip he was having.
The movie opens in England in 1939 where Lady Sarah Ashley (Nicole Kidman) is actually considering leaving her perfectly decent country to see what her husband has been up to while on a trip to Faraway Downs, the vast Australian cattle ranch they own. It's odd to me that a movie whose creators were trying to glorify their home country ended up portraying said country as the planet's armpit but that's pretty much how Australia makes the real Australia look. After ignoring all the people who said, "Uh, you know, we're about to go to war with Germany, don't you think it'd be a bad time to travel halfway around the world?" she sets sail and ends up in the city of Darwin, the capital of Australia's Northern Territory. I know it was 1939 but I'd like that one of Australia's most prominent cities had more going for it than the broken down buildings, manure filled streets and endless array of backwoods drongos that fill this movie. The Japanese bombed this place in 1942 because they thought it was an essential and important target and, if this movie was all I had to go on, I have to ask why they bothered. A pig farm in Alabama would have been a better target than the Darwin of this movie's world.
We also meet The Drover (Hugh Jackman). Drover is the only name we're ever told he has which really limited his career options. It would be tough to enter the world of physics research or high finance with a name like The Drover. Drover was sent by Sarah's husband to escort her over the long journey to Faraway Downs. Drover shows how seriously he takes that responsibility by getting into a bar fight just as her ship pulls into the harbor. As they travel over the godforsaken spot of the Earth that is the Northern Territories during the dry season, Sarah and Drover develop the kind of childish contempt for one another that good looking people in movies always develop when, in fact, they are destined to sleep together.
When they arrive at Faraway Downs, they discover that Sarah's husband has been killed, possibly by an Aboriginal shaman named King George. We also meet Nullah, a character who is another example of what not to do when you're trying to make a movie showing the rest of the world how awesome your country is. Nullah is the son of an Aborigine mother and a white father. This makes him the target of one of Australia's most shameful historical practices, that being a century-long assimilation program in which children of mixed race were taken from their families and placed into institutions where, as one particularly racist character puts it, they can "breed the black out of them." Nullah lives with his mother on the ranch but always has to hide when the authorities show up so he doesn't get taken. Sarah, a woman who can't have children, bonds with Nullah after his mother dies and even talks of adopting him since his father, Neil Fletcher (David Wenham), is a huge dick who couldn't care less about Nullah. Fletcher is also the movie's main villain who, while working as a ranch hand at Faraway Downs, is also secretly working for rival cattle baron King Carney (Bryan Brown). Carney's goal is to dominate the beef industry in the Northern Territory so that he can fulfill his dream of becoming a sleazy war profiteer by charging the British military a ridiculous price for the beef it needs to feed the troops who are about to fight Germany.
After Sarah gets Drover to help her organize the cattle drive from Faraway Downs to Darwin, they discover that it was actually Fletcher who killed her husband and is now doing things like having her cattle stampede and poison all the water holes in the desert. It should come as no surprise that they manage to overcome all that, get the cows to market on time and foil Carney and Fletcher's plan to screw over the military during wartime. It should also come as no surprise that Sarah and Drover suddenly notice that they are the two hottest people in Australia and jump into bed together. Sarah, at least, did show her late husband the respect of waiting a good two weeks or so before letting another man penetrate her but, in her defense, sex, up to this point in her life, was only something she did when she wanted her wealthy husband to buy her a new necklace and not the delightfully filthy stuff she does with The Drover.
So, there you have it, the whole predictable plot of this dreadfully average movie and OH MY FREAKIN GOD THE MOVIE'S NOT EVEN HALF OVER YET. Yes, we have to see these boring, two dimensional characters (especially Fletcher, one of the least interesting movie villains I've seen in a while) stretch this snooze fest out for another 90 minutes. Over the next couple of years, we see how smart Drover is by choosing to drove cattle for six months at a time instead of living as a ranch manager at Faraway Downs with the most beautiful woman he's ever known and we see how smart Sarah is by tolerating this. We also see that 11 year old Nullah possesses what must be some sort of ancient Aboriginal power to not grown an inch even though the story stretches from 1939 to 1942.
So, if your idea of a good time at the movies is watching pretty people doing boring things with spectacular shots of the Australian wild in the background, then Australia is definitely for you. At least there weren't any biker gangs looking for gasoline. Sorry, couldn't resist that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)