So there I am, looking through the various movie news sites when I pretty much trip over this little gem. It turns out that Fox is planning to do a remake of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. This caused me to scratch my head and stroke my chin for a minute or two as I thought, "There was a movie called Conquest of the Planet of the Apes?" A quick IMDB search jogged my memory and reminded me that this was the movie where Caesar, the son of Cornelius and Zira, who had come back in time to the 1970s, resurfaced in the year 1999 when apes are used as slave labor and leads them in a revolt against their human oppressors. You all remember when that happened back in 1999, right? What? You don't? Bah! I bet you don't remember when the aliens landed on the last day of that year bringing Jesus back with them too. This probably has something to do with Y2K, another thing people barely remember.
Anyway, when I read the plot synopsis, I said, "Oh yeah, that one," which, after the second movie in the Planet of the Apes series, is how I describe all the sequels. The second one is memorable only because of the mutants living in their underground city where they worship, "The holy and everlasting bomb," which means their god is either a nuclear weapon or a DVD of Australia. A remake of Conquest couldn't possibly be any worse than Tim Burton's stupid little Planet of the Apes remake back in 2001 so they may as well go for it.
What struck me as funny, though, is how director Scott Frank is trying to deny that Caesar is a remake of Conquest. Use the word "remake" around Scott Frank and he'll get the same look on his face as I do when you say "pineapple pizza" around me.*
No no no, Caesar will be a complete re-imagining. A re-invention. A complete re-new-movie-with-all-different-plot-thingies, if you will. He says the apes won't talk or run wild in the street as they take over the world. I'll admit that some of his ideas are intriguing and the idea that this could actually be a serious attempt at science fiction instead of Hollywood's idea of science fiction** does cause my belly button to pucker and unpucker in excitement. However, Mr. Frank, sir, dude, it's a remake. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it's definitely a remake. Does it have a chimp named Caesar and super intelligent apes bred for slave labor?*** Then change whatever you want but you ain't getting away from the dreaded "R" word. Make it about intelligent ocelots trying to put on a revival of South Pacific and it'll still be a remake. The only other thing it could be is a ripoff, which is an even worse "R" word.
I wonder if this means I can get my own movie project made. It's called Luke and it's about a young man who must master an ancient Force in order to defeat a Galactic Empire. Trust me, you've never seen anything quite like it.
*I hate pineapple pizza. I should probably have mentioned that.
**That being "Let's take the explosions and chase scenes we have in every other movie and set them in space."
***Who the hell came up with that stupid idea anyway? I wonder how lazy do you have to be before you say "I'm tired of having to scramble my own eggs. Let's make monkeys smart enough to do that for me."