Friday, December 5, 2008

Dogs And Cats Living Together! Mass Hysteria!

Josh Horowitz at MTV Moviesblog asked this question:
Should we not want another “Ghostbusters” film?

No, we should not. Well, glad I could be of help, Josh. If you need anything else...oh, sorry, you have another question?
I’m conflicted, are you?

Oh Lordy Lord No! Hell No! Jesus H. Christ On A Pogo Stick No! There is not a hint of conflict nor a glimmer of doubt in my firm stand against a new Ghostbusters movie. The last Ghostbusters movie was made almost 20 years ago and it wasn't even all that good. This means that, for two decades, some really sucky ideas have had time to be created, gestate, grow and mature into the basis for movies like, well, Ghostbusters 2 for example. I don't care if you have writers from The Office working on the script. You could dig up Billy Wilder and have him write and direct and there would still be nothing but a slim chance that this would beat the odds and not be on a level of quality equal to a Bill Engvall straight-to-DVD release.

We almost had a Ghostbusters 3 several years back in which Chris Farley would have taken over the lead character slot from Bill Murray. It's been several minutes since I typed that last sentence. In that time, I've been trying to think of a way to say that I'm happy that Farley apparently took the project with him into his grave without sounding like an insensitive and obnoxious jerk who would make light of Farley's death. Oh well, screw sensitivity. Farley helped America dodge a bullet when he bravely sacrificed himself to save us all from Ghostbusters 3 and now these heartless filmmakers want to take that heroic act and piss all over it.

This is pretty much what the plot will be: Oscar, the baby from Ghostbusters 2, has grown up to be a complete douche who can't get laid. Through a series of improbable circumstances, he hooks up with two other people (one who's even more of a spazz than he is, the other a girl who's both super smart and super hot) to reform the Ghostbusters just in time to face down some Lovecraftian super horror. They get into all kinds of hijinks like Oscar accidentally exposing himself to Smart/Hot Girl and Spazz accidentally getting his head stuck up a cow's ass as they work to defeat the big ball of evil that is forming over New York or whatever city they are in (this will cause right wing bloggers to complain that the movie is PC because the evil force trying to destroy New York isn't Muslim). Eventually, they all defeat the hell beast and Oscar and Smart/Hot Girl, despite the fact that they initially disliked each other, end up in bed "crossing their streams" while Spazz ends up with a couple of Playboy models who rejected him earlier but now figure they owe him a pity-screw since he saved their lives.

There, now that we all know what will happen, there's no reason to make the movie. Glad I could help.

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