Our National Nightmare Has Ended

President Bush today signed into law a bill that most of the country feels was long overdue. With a stroke of the President's pen, it is now illegal today the phrase, "I drink your milkshake!" unless you have actually seen There Will Be Blood, the movie that contains that line. Violation of this law, which enjoys strong bipartisan support, include penalties as severe as 5 years in prison and a $50,000 dollar fine.

In his official statement after signing the bill, President Bush stated, "As our military fights overseas for our freedom and to protect us from terror, it's equally important here at home to be free from the terror of having to hear the same thing over and over again when most of the people who say it have no idea what they're even talking about. I know that one of my top aides just last week said that he was going to drink my milkshake and I was drinking an orange soda. I got so confused that I had under my desk until he went away." The President then smirked and giggled at his own remark for several minutes after which he said, "I'm never going to see There Will Be Buds or whatever it's called so that weirdo line will never make sense to me. I'm pretty busy being President so the only movies I ever get to see are those awesome Veggie Tales DVDs that Laura gets for me. Have you all ever seen those? They are awesome. You get a tomato and a cucumber talking. I mean, what's that all about?" after which he smirked and giggled again.

Republican Presidential nominee John McCain said during a campaign stop in Texas that he would have preferred a different approach to this crisis. "I would have gone more in the direction of free market solutions such as offering tax incentives to go and see the movie or encouraging people to use catchphrases from other films like, 'Freedom is the right of every sentient being,' from Transformers which, frankly, I think should have won the Oscar instead of There Will Be Blood." When an aide informed him that the actual Best Picture winner was No Country For Old Men, he shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever. Anyway, I don't fully support the bill and feel that there are ways in which it violates my conservative principles." In keeping with his style as a maverick, he voted for it anyway.

Presumed Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama had an entirely different take on the issue. "This situation required President Bush's leadership weeks ago yet, as usual, he was nowhere to be found until it reached crisis level." Senator Obama stated that, had he been President, he'd have pushed for a national holiday during which people could go and see There Will Be Blood and this whole issue would have largely been moot. "Had more people seen the movie, they could explain what it means to the people who hadn't and a national dialogue could have begun that would have healed our wounds and brought us closer as a nation."

Hillary Clinton refused to speak on what she considered to be a throughly trivial issue, causing Senator Obama's office to issue a statement that this was another example of how dangerously out of touch she is.