Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Everything Is About Me

This will be a lousy week for me at the movies since two of the three major releases are movies I absolutely won't see and a third is one that doesn't look too good.

High School Musical 3 wasn't made for me. I've seen parts of the other two movies in order to see if they were appropriate viewing for my two young nieces. The answer is that, if you intended to raise your children as hedonists, you should not let them see High School Musical. They're both extremely clean. One clear cut sign of this is in the second one that took place at a resort and the girls in the pool scenes all wore one piece swimsuits with shorts over them. I've taken a couple of pot shots here implying that the male characters are gay because they never try to have sex with the girls, two of whom are played by actresses now considered to be sex symbols but hey, what else can we expect from a Disney film? Speaking of the actresses, you do have to feel sorry for Vanessa Hudgens. I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone about the nude photos of her that got leaked to the internet last year and I'm also sure that she'll never live them down. There's an interview with her in my paper today and that was mentioned in the second paragraph and will be mentioned in everything that will be written about her ever. She could cure AIDS or invent a water-powered car and all those two events could accomplish would be to bump the nude photos down to the third paragraph. By the way, I guarantee that everything I've written up till now is more interesting than High School Musical 3 will be to anyone over the age of 12. Let me break it down for you: it opens with them singing something innocuous like how much they like the school cafeteria's Salisbury steak. Then some sort of conflict is introduced, probably a temptation for one of the good characters to turn bad which results in a couple of songs being sung that boil down to, "Dude, don't turn bad." In the end, everything is resolved and they've all learned important lessons about tolerance and friendship and you know this because they sing about tolerance and friendship endlessly. I won't see it but it's definitely in the Mostly Harmless category.

On the opposite end of the Harmless scale is Saw V. I consider this movie to be a basis for atheism since no just and loving God would have allowed this movie to be released. If you are a fan of the Saw films, you're wrong. Wrong about what, you ask? Everything. If you say you like the Saw franchise and then say that the sky is blue, I know I'll be able to look up and see a bright shade of orange. Yes, I hate hate hate those movies and that includes the first one. I hate them not because they're offensive but because they're stupidly offensive. Oh well, may as well copy this part and use again next year for Saw VI.

Pride and Glory looks like yet another bad cop movie only this one has an extra layer of dumb since it involves a cop played by Edward Norton being told to investigate his own brother who is played by Colin Farrell. You know, cause that happens so much in real life. If you asked me to investigate my brother, I could catch him eating a human liver and go back to my superiors with a report clearing him of all wrongdoing but that's not how it goes down in Pride and Glory. Instead we get the, "I'm gonna follow this wherever it goes," line you so often hear in movies and end up with the two brothers in some sort of fight.

Oh well, this may be the week to take the long drive and go see Religulous. As I said, we now have proof that there is no God so it seems appropriate.

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