Thursday, October 2, 2008

Right Wing Movie Reviews -- Eagle Eye

From time to time, I'm contacted by right wing blogger Gotterdamerung of the site who often perceives some sort of left wing bias in my work that he feels must be balanced by his own opinions. I usually don't know what he's talking about as his targets are usually not something political such as my posts about An American Carol but rather reviews that had little to no political content at all. Still, I don't want anyone saying I'm against balance so here, once again, is Gotterdamerung.

Hi all, Gotterdamerung here. It's been a depressing few weeks for conservatives but that, for the moment at least, has passed. The reason I'm at least a little bit chipper is because of a wonderful new movie that clearly is meant to advance the conservative cause called Eagle Eye. The film was poorly reviewed by liberal film critics (and you know that they're liberals because they're film critics HA! that never gets old) who, while failing to pick up directly on its symbolic political content, did manage to instinctively sense that they should trash what, in future years, will be considered to be the greatest and most influential film of its time. Even An American Carol, which I love even though I haven't seen it, won't be as highly regarded as Eagle Eye. This movie will put John McCain into office and, after his heart explodes shortly after Inauguration Day, we will be led to a right wing utopia by Sarah Palin.

In order to become a hit, its true intentions had to be hidden by symbolism so when we first meet Jerry Shaw (played by the Marlon Brando of his generation, Shia Lebeouf) it takes a while to figure out that he is supposed to symbolize John McCain. Jerry has quit school to work some low paying job as a cashier. Why? Because he's a maverick, that's why, and that's what mavericks do. Jerry is framed by a mysterious conspiracy in much the same way that McCain is framed by the liberal media and no, I can't explain what the hell that means but that's because only some godless homosexual liberal would even think of asking that question. I do know that the conspiracy represents Barack Obama because I just do so shut the fuck up.

Fortunately, McCain is not alone and gets help from Sarah Palin, represented here by a character named Rachel Holloman (Michelle Monaghan). Rachel chooses not to attend a concert that her son's school band will be giving for the President of the United States. Why would she skip that concert? Because that's what the elite media punditry would never expect her to do and, by doing so, she's able to say, "Take that, you elitist prigs!" Rachel is also contacted by Barack Obama/Conspiracy Voice and is told that her son will be killed if she doesn't do exactly what she's told. Can you imagine that? Barack Obama actually threatened to kill her child? How can America vote for someone who would threaten violence against an innocent child like that?

Jerry/McCain and Rachel/Palin eventually discover that the Obama/Conspiracy Voice is trying to assassinate the President. Wow, Obama wants to kill George W. Bush. Good Lord, America, why is this monster ahead in the polls? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Anyway, Obama meticulously controls McCain and Palin with his cold, elitist logic but is eventually defeated when McCain and Palin abandon logic and instead commit erratic, desperate, maverick acts like firing off a gun in the middle of the Capitol Building. This maverick strategy saves the day and the McCain and Palin characters end up having hot sex in much the same way that the real McCain and Palin will have hot sex with the country once they are elected.

On Friday, I intend to make Eagle Eye part of a double feature with An American Carol. If everyone does that and just wishes hard enough, not only will John McCain and Sarah Palin be sworn into office come January 2009 but they will do so in front of the new Republican Congressional Majorities of both the House and the Senate. When that happens, we can get rid of all the damn restrictive banking regulations that caused the current financial crisis and create a Conservative Heaven On Earth where everyone acts white and no, that's not racist. Why is not racist? Only a racist would ask that question.

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