There are too many zombie movies and they are having an effect on society. Well, they're having an effect on me anyway. This is what happened to me today when my power went out at noon today. I take no responsibility for my reactions but instead choose to blame Hollywood.
12:00 -- Power goes out.
12:01 -- I calmly wait for the power to come back on.
12:03 -- Power still not on. My conclusion: the Zombie Apocalypse has begun and they have taken out the power plant.
12:04 -- Luckily we have all been educated on how to handle zombies. You shoot them in the head. Going to get my gun.
12:06 -- After a brief search, I remembered I don't own a gun. Damn me and my liberal anti-gun beliefs!
12:07 -- I'm glad now I agreed to store my mother's garden gnome collection for her. I am prepared to chuck garden gnomes at the head of any zombie that comes after me.
12:09 -- I wish I could see the street from my apartment. To think I paid extra for this mountain view. What the hell was I thinking? I bet the streets are crawling with hsmabling zombies as I speak.
12:11 -- I want to call my mom and see if she's okay but what if she's already a zombie? She'll be here licketysplit and turn me into a buffet. Sorry, Mom. If I see you, I'll have to crack your head open with one of your garden gnomes.
12:13 -- I see a possum. They're not usually out during the day. A zombie possum? It could happen. Would they eat humans or other possums? Keeping a garden gnome handy just in case.
12:14 -- Damn, just ate my last M&M. Wonder if I'll end up like Woody Harrelson did with Twinkies. I can see myself scouring a zombie-ridden world looking for M&Ms. Hopefully I can get a decent rifle before I start doing that. Carrying these gnomes around would be a huge pain.
12:15 -- Power came back on. Turned on the news. No mention of zombies. Oh well, that's one on me. Honest mistake.
Later on I did see the mailman coming up the walk and tossed a gnome at his head just in case. Luckily I missed, he turned out not to be a zombie and he accepted my explanation that I was giving him the gnome as a gift. Mom's gonna be mad that I gave away one of her gnomes. You can all see why they should stop making zombie movies. I can't possibly be blamed for thinking what I was thinking.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Look At My Briefs -- 2/25/10
Major snowstorm happening where I live which means I have nothing better to do than sit around and entertain you people with another edition of brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.
Oh good, I was worried about this.
Wow. Just...wow. If you think you'd be a fan of pornography crossed with German realism crossed with an acid trip, Showgirls 2 might be for you. You only thought the first one was stupid. Before you click this link, I will warn you that it defines the term NSFW. It also defines the terms "nightmare fuel" and "unintentionally hilarious." That being said...Showgirls 2.
The idea of a True Grit remake is dumb. The idea of a True Grit remake directed by the Coen brothers with Jeff Bridges replacing John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn? Okay, suddenly not so dumb. I'm looking forward to the reaction of John Wayne fetishists.
No Tomatometer rating yet for The Crazies (as of this writing) but even if it's not any good, that's fine. Since a new zombie movie is released approximately every three weeks, if one is a clunker we need only wait for the next one. It's going to be hard to top Zombieland though since it worked as both an action packed zombie film and a parody of said films.
The makers of She's Out Of My League let me know through Twitter that they didn't like what I said about their movie. On the face, it's restrained and good natured. Under the face? The Man feels threatened and now he's coming to take me down. If I disappear, put on my tombstone that I nailed Scarlett Johannson.
Walter Koenig's son, Andrew, has been missing since February 14 while vacationing in Vancouver. I hope he's found safe and sound. I was fascinated, though, to discover that the actor who played Boner on Growing Pains was Chekov's son.
This year's American Idol winner will be some mercury drinking douchenozzle with good range. Sorry for the spoiler.
Oh good, I was worried about this.
Wow. Just...wow. If you think you'd be a fan of pornography crossed with German realism crossed with an acid trip, Showgirls 2 might be for you. You only thought the first one was stupid. Before you click this link, I will warn you that it defines the term NSFW. It also defines the terms "nightmare fuel" and "unintentionally hilarious." That being said...Showgirls 2.
The idea of a True Grit remake is dumb. The idea of a True Grit remake directed by the Coen brothers with Jeff Bridges replacing John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn? Okay, suddenly not so dumb. I'm looking forward to the reaction of John Wayne fetishists.
No Tomatometer rating yet for The Crazies (as of this writing) but even if it's not any good, that's fine. Since a new zombie movie is released approximately every three weeks, if one is a clunker we need only wait for the next one. It's going to be hard to top Zombieland though since it worked as both an action packed zombie film and a parody of said films.
The makers of She's Out Of My League let me know through Twitter that they didn't like what I said about their movie. On the face, it's restrained and good natured. Under the face? The Man feels threatened and now he's coming to take me down. If I disappear, put on my tombstone that I nailed Scarlett Johannson.
Walter Koenig's son, Andrew, has been missing since February 14 while vacationing in Vancouver. I hope he's found safe and sound. I was fascinated, though, to discover that the actor who played Boner on Growing Pains was Chekov's son.
This year's American Idol winner will be some mercury drinking douchenozzle with good range. Sorry for the spoiler.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Avatar 2: The Pitch
I liked Avatar and am at least interested in the story that the producers are working on a sequel. That being said, I see huge, possibly insurmountable problems for a sequel. It's well known and, to my knowledge, never been denied by James Cameron or anyone connected to the film that Avatar was, to put it politely, modeled after Dances With Wolves. The problem for Avatar is that it has no sequel. There is no Honest Injun: Dances With Wolves 2 for them to rip off. Luckily for James Cameron and 20th Century Fox, I exist. They should really be thankful for that fact as I am now offering them some ideas which they can use free of charge unless they actually decide to use them in which case they must pay me.
Empire -- Jake Sully and the Na'vi encounter an evil Galactic Emperor who commands a mystical force called the Brunt. Jake must master the good side of the Brunt in order to master a weapon called the Glow Blade and use it to beat the Emperor. There's a twist: the Emperor...IS HIS FATHER!
Sex and the Hometree -- As Na'vi society becomes more sophisticated, Neytiri and three of her girlfriends become sexually aggressive functioning alcoholics who bitch endlessly about how none of their men service them properly in a way that makes them sound like gay men.
Fly Hard -- Jake must once again tame a Toruk to become Toruk Makto when a group of terrorists/thieves take over Hometree in order to steal a cache of Unobtainium.
Precious Unobtainium, based on the novel Push by Sapphire -- A girl who is the object of derision because she is both fat and a really dark shed of blue becomes a psychopath determined to kill the other Na'vi (deviates from the novel a bit).
The Day Pandora Stood Still -- An alien warns the Na'vi to end their warlike ways and disables their technology to demonstrate his power. As the Na'vi don't use advanced technology, they come to realize the alien is either stupid or insane, pee on him a few times and ignore him.
Ava-Hard -- If they're really desperate, they can just rewrite Avatar as hardcore porn with Jake Sully as a plumber who drops by Hometree to "install 14 inches of pipe" and ends up connecting his tentacle-filled ponytail with Neytiri's.
Empire -- Jake Sully and the Na'vi encounter an evil Galactic Emperor who commands a mystical force called the Brunt. Jake must master the good side of the Brunt in order to master a weapon called the Glow Blade and use it to beat the Emperor. There's a twist: the Emperor...IS HIS FATHER!
Sex and the Hometree -- As Na'vi society becomes more sophisticated, Neytiri and three of her girlfriends become sexually aggressive functioning alcoholics who bitch endlessly about how none of their men service them properly in a way that makes them sound like gay men.
Fly Hard -- Jake must once again tame a Toruk to become Toruk Makto when a group of terrorists/thieves take over Hometree in order to steal a cache of Unobtainium.
Precious Unobtainium, based on the novel Push by Sapphire -- A girl who is the object of derision because she is both fat and a really dark shed of blue becomes a psychopath determined to kill the other Na'vi (deviates from the novel a bit).
The Day Pandora Stood Still -- An alien warns the Na'vi to end their warlike ways and disables their technology to demonstrate his power. As the Na'vi don't use advanced technology, they come to realize the alien is either stupid or insane, pee on him a few times and ignore him.
Ava-Hard -- If they're really desperate, they can just rewrite Avatar as hardcore porn with Jake Sully as a plumber who drops by Hometree to "install 14 inches of pipe" and ends up connecting his tentacle-filled ponytail with Neytiri's.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Wolfman, Ack!
The Wolfman is the second horror movie I saw over the weekend. If you read yesterday's Shutter Island review, I said there was a second horror film I'd seen over the weekend and that I didn't like the other one. You may now have a hint as to how this review is going to go.
To quickly sum up, The Wolfman hates joy, love, beauty, intelligence and all else that is good and holy. It took one of those perfectly decent 1930s horror films that still in many ways holds up today and turned it into a celebration of clinical depression. That's absolutely true, by the way. The only character in The Wolfman who isn't clinically depressed is a sadistic sociopath.
In the original, Lawrence Talbot was a regular guy 1930s American everyman played by Lon Chaney Jr. In this "remake" or "reboot" or "retard" or whatever the hell this is called, Talbot is now a British nobleman-turned-actor in the 1890s played by Benicio Del Toro. He apparently became an actor to get the hell away from his father, Sir John Talbot (Anthony Hopkins). He comes home after his brother was killed in a brutal animal attack. The title should be a dead giveaway as to what sort of animal it was. When he arrives his father quickly establishes himself as the same unfeeling A-Hole that caused him to leave years earlier and enter a profession that, back then, was considered to be unseemly. Lawrence also meets Gwen (Emily Blunt), his late brother's fiance. Gwen appears to have some sort of genetic predisposition to falling in love with members of the Talbot family as she quickly becomes attracted to Lawrence even though the supposed love of her life has only been dead a month.
As sundown approaches, Sir John does the first good thing he's even done for Lawrence. He tells him he should stay indoors during this, the night of the full moon. Lawrence promptly ignores that helpful bit of advice and goes riding out into the woods in the middle of the night to speak to some gypsies who may have information about his brother's death. Why he couldn't talk to these gypsies when the sun was up is a mystery but luckily he was riding through one of those forests whose trees naturally grow 500 watt klieg lights so he got there with no problem. Not so fortunately, he got there just as the camp came under attack from a werewolf. Lawrence ends up bitten and you know what that means. If you were wondering who the original werewolf that bit Lawrence is, by the way, it's not hard to figure out.
At this point in the movie, the only person who attempted to crack a smile is Sir John and that was only when he seemed to be amused by the pain of others. In fact, I can't remember a single moment when any other character appeared to be happy about anything. You'd think Lawrence and Gwen would have experienced a happy moment or two when they were falling in love. Instead, it was more like they were taking their mutual depression and combining into a big, depressing goo ball of sad, sticky love. Eventually a Scotland Yard detective played by Hugo Weaving puts together a group of werewolf hunters who, naturally, decide the best time to hunt werewolves is the night of the full moon. The results of this action are depressingly predictable which is good because at least the movie is consistent in sticking with its depressing themes.
There is a conclusion to this story that both allows every to return to their sad, dreary existences and also leaves room for a sequel, an idea that is extremely depressing.
To quickly sum up, The Wolfman hates joy, love, beauty, intelligence and all else that is good and holy. It took one of those perfectly decent 1930s horror films that still in many ways holds up today and turned it into a celebration of clinical depression. That's absolutely true, by the way. The only character in The Wolfman who isn't clinically depressed is a sadistic sociopath.
In the original, Lawrence Talbot was a regular guy 1930s American everyman played by Lon Chaney Jr. In this "remake" or "reboot" or "retard" or whatever the hell this is called, Talbot is now a British nobleman-turned-actor in the 1890s played by Benicio Del Toro. He apparently became an actor to get the hell away from his father, Sir John Talbot (Anthony Hopkins). He comes home after his brother was killed in a brutal animal attack. The title should be a dead giveaway as to what sort of animal it was. When he arrives his father quickly establishes himself as the same unfeeling A-Hole that caused him to leave years earlier and enter a profession that, back then, was considered to be unseemly. Lawrence also meets Gwen (Emily Blunt), his late brother's fiance. Gwen appears to have some sort of genetic predisposition to falling in love with members of the Talbot family as she quickly becomes attracted to Lawrence even though the supposed love of her life has only been dead a month.
As sundown approaches, Sir John does the first good thing he's even done for Lawrence. He tells him he should stay indoors during this, the night of the full moon. Lawrence promptly ignores that helpful bit of advice and goes riding out into the woods in the middle of the night to speak to some gypsies who may have information about his brother's death. Why he couldn't talk to these gypsies when the sun was up is a mystery but luckily he was riding through one of those forests whose trees naturally grow 500 watt klieg lights so he got there with no problem. Not so fortunately, he got there just as the camp came under attack from a werewolf. Lawrence ends up bitten and you know what that means. If you were wondering who the original werewolf that bit Lawrence is, by the way, it's not hard to figure out.
At this point in the movie, the only person who attempted to crack a smile is Sir John and that was only when he seemed to be amused by the pain of others. In fact, I can't remember a single moment when any other character appeared to be happy about anything. You'd think Lawrence and Gwen would have experienced a happy moment or two when they were falling in love. Instead, it was more like they were taking their mutual depression and combining into a big, depressing goo ball of sad, sticky love. Eventually a Scotland Yard detective played by Hugo Weaving puts together a group of werewolf hunters who, naturally, decide the best time to hunt werewolves is the night of the full moon. The results of this action are depressingly predictable which is good because at least the movie is consistent in sticking with its depressing themes.
There is a conclusion to this story that both allows every to return to their sad, dreary existences and also leaves room for a sequel, an idea that is extremely depressing.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Shutter? I Don't Even Know Her
I saw two horror movies last weekend. I liked one of them a lot. The other...well, that's for tomorrow. Today we concentrate on the positive and discuss Shutter Island. I know what you're thinking: how could a movie directed by Martin Scorcese with Leonardo DiCaprio in the lead role that's based on a novel by the guy who wrote Mystic River and Gone Baby Gone possibly be any good? yeah, if you calculate the odds you know that there's too successful a pedigree and they must be doomed to have this film be clunker. Luckily, they defy the odds and manage to make memorably frightening and suspenseful movie.
The movie opens with Scorcese in full Hitchcock mode. We meet Federal Marshall Teddy Daniels (DiCaprio) and his new partner Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo) as they're sailing toward Shutter Island, an old Civil War era fort off the coast of Boston that's been transformed into a hospital for the criminally insane. I'm not sure if Scorcese did this intentionally but you could tell they were standing in front of a green screen and not really on the ocean the same way you could tell in pretty much any movie made before the CGI age. That's fitting as this movie is set in 1954. Our heroes won't have the internet, mobile phones or modern forensic tools to assist them. They can't just put on sunglasses and crack jokes while their team blows white powder on stuff and examines microfibers.
Creepy music plays as the boat arrives and we see Shutter Island breaking through the fog. The two marshals are there to investigate the escape of a dangerous criminal named Rachel Selando who simply disappeared from her cell one night. Teddy senses, as do we, that this whole place seems a little off. He can't quite put his finger on it but I came to realize that the whole movie is constructed and told as if it were a nightmare. Normally I complain that people don't behave realistically in movies but in this case it's okay. They're not supposed to. Sometimes the most frightening nightmares aren't the ones where dragons suddenly pop through the window but rather the ones where things seem a little off, people behave oddly and there's always a sense of dread yet you can never really figure out why. That's what happens in pretty much every scene of Shutter Island.
As in real nightmares, the focus of this story can suddenly change and that's what happens as Teddy lives his real life nightmare. Sometimes he's investigating the escape and intellectually sparring with the secretive and slightly malevolent hospital staff (which includes Ben Kingsley and Max von Sydow), sometimes he's imagining conversations with the wife (Michelle Williams) who died two years earlier. Sometimes he's remembering his time in World War II when he liberated the Nazi death camp Dachau. None of this is extraneous to the plot, by the way. It's all connected and it becomes more and more preposterous until eventually puts together a paranoid scenario and conspiracy so outrageous it couldn't possibly be true. However, the only reason it feels like it couldn't possibly be true is because the story is told from Teddy's perspective. We don't see anything he doesn't see or know anything he doesn't know. All I will say after all is this is where the nightmare ends.
Shutter Island is the very essence of film noir and and gothic horror. Some critics were put off by its dreamlike construction but it was designed that way to draw you into Teddy Daniels' waking nightmare and was a refreshing change of pace from the mostly-crap films we've had so far in 2010.
The movie opens with Scorcese in full Hitchcock mode. We meet Federal Marshall Teddy Daniels (DiCaprio) and his new partner Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo) as they're sailing toward Shutter Island, an old Civil War era fort off the coast of Boston that's been transformed into a hospital for the criminally insane. I'm not sure if Scorcese did this intentionally but you could tell they were standing in front of a green screen and not really on the ocean the same way you could tell in pretty much any movie made before the CGI age. That's fitting as this movie is set in 1954. Our heroes won't have the internet, mobile phones or modern forensic tools to assist them. They can't just put on sunglasses and crack jokes while their team blows white powder on stuff and examines microfibers.
Creepy music plays as the boat arrives and we see Shutter Island breaking through the fog. The two marshals are there to investigate the escape of a dangerous criminal named Rachel Selando who simply disappeared from her cell one night. Teddy senses, as do we, that this whole place seems a little off. He can't quite put his finger on it but I came to realize that the whole movie is constructed and told as if it were a nightmare. Normally I complain that people don't behave realistically in movies but in this case it's okay. They're not supposed to. Sometimes the most frightening nightmares aren't the ones where dragons suddenly pop through the window but rather the ones where things seem a little off, people behave oddly and there's always a sense of dread yet you can never really figure out why. That's what happens in pretty much every scene of Shutter Island.
As in real nightmares, the focus of this story can suddenly change and that's what happens as Teddy lives his real life nightmare. Sometimes he's investigating the escape and intellectually sparring with the secretive and slightly malevolent hospital staff (which includes Ben Kingsley and Max von Sydow), sometimes he's imagining conversations with the wife (Michelle Williams) who died two years earlier. Sometimes he's remembering his time in World War II when he liberated the Nazi death camp Dachau. None of this is extraneous to the plot, by the way. It's all connected and it becomes more and more preposterous until eventually puts together a paranoid scenario and conspiracy so outrageous it couldn't possibly be true. However, the only reason it feels like it couldn't possibly be true is because the story is told from Teddy's perspective. We don't see anything he doesn't see or know anything he doesn't know. All I will say after all is this is where the nightmare ends.
Shutter Island is the very essence of film noir and and gothic horror. Some critics were put off by its dreamlike construction but it was designed that way to draw you into Teddy Daniels' waking nightmare and was a refreshing change of pace from the mostly-crap films we've had so far in 2010.
Friday, February 19, 2010
20,000 Leagues Under The Stupidity
It's been over six months since I've done Movies I Haven't Seen. I'm not actually reviewing a movie, of course, but rather an incredibly stupid trailer. So, what trailer have I seen lately that so viscerally offended me that I revived something I haven't done since last July? Have Roland Emmerich or Michael Bay made a new movie? Has someone made a movie about an out of control cop forced to partner up with a chimp? No, nothing like that. Instead we have a new attempt to rip off Judd Apatow called She's Out Of My League. Because I'm such an awesome guy, I've conveniently embedded the trailer here.
Okie dokie then, what have we learned? First, we've learned that the lead character, TSA official Kirk Kettner (Jay Baruchel), has friends who are complete assholes. This fact is confirmed several times throughout the trailer. We also see that a hot girl is such a rare sight in an airport which deals with literally thousands of people every day that any and all business pretty much shuts down. We also see that one thing this girl, Molly (Alice Eve), has in common with Kirk is asshole friends when her friend takes offense after being gently reminded that you're not supposed to use a cell phone on an airplane. I'm not sure if we're supposed to be impressed by the friend's toughness and be on her side or not. Personally, I'm thoroughly opposed to violence against women but would gladly make an exception for some stupid bitch who thinks she has a God given right to use a cell phone on an airplane.
Anyway, Molly ends up asking Kirk out after he returns her lost iPhone and this is where it gets really unbelievable. It's not unbelievable for the reasons Hollywood thinks it is, of course. Movie producers find the idea of a girl who looks like Alice Eve winding up with a guy who looks like Jay Baruchel so preposterous that they based an entire movie around that supposedly ridiculous idea. In the real world, of course, pairings like this happen all the time. What makes this particular situation unbelievable isn't the disparity in their looks but rather the fact that Kirk is a passive/aggressive loser. He lacks not only stunning good looks but also money, wit and personality. Why is Molly dating a guy who looks like he's about to piss himself in fear when he talks to her? Because he's, "a nice guy." If you're a girl and you suddenly got wet when you heard that, this may be the movie for you. For everyone else, not so much.
I'm sure this movie has redeeming qualities though. For example, there's the scene where Kirk brings Molly to meet his buddies. Now, another reason I consider Kirk to be a loser is that he's met his buddies yet has no inkling that bringing his girlfriend to meet them might be a bad idea. I can't imagine it came as a shock to him when they ask Molly if she's a prostitute or when they encourage her to strip to her underwear. Okay, that's one scene. How about when Kirk and Molly are having dinner at her place? You remember that, right? That's where she rubs up against him a bit too vigorously during a makeout session on her couch and we discover that we must also add lack of sexual prowess to his numerous flaws when he comes in his pants and we all get Jay Baruchel's orgasm face burned forever into our memories. Then, finally, we are reminded that Kirk is the type of guy who never learns from his mistakes when he confides this to his friends and they mercilessly taunt him for it.
I hold out very little hope for this movie. Maybe it will be so loaded with funny jokes I'll forget the stupid plot and the stupid characters in it but I doubt it. It's not like it's going to be loaded with unexpected twists that no one could have predicted either. Let's see if the following happens: Kirk and Molly break up due to the fact that Molly wakes up to the fact that Kirk is a loser. Kirk then quits his airport security job and finally goes after some dream job that was referenced earlier in the movie. It could be anything. Maybe he'll go to med school or maybe he'll drive a Zamboni. All that matters is that he'll get to present the new Kirk to Molly and win her back. Hopefully he won't ejaculate when they kiss at the end but if he does, his friends will be sure to let us know.
Okie dokie then, what have we learned? First, we've learned that the lead character, TSA official Kirk Kettner (Jay Baruchel), has friends who are complete assholes. This fact is confirmed several times throughout the trailer. We also see that a hot girl is such a rare sight in an airport which deals with literally thousands of people every day that any and all business pretty much shuts down. We also see that one thing this girl, Molly (Alice Eve), has in common with Kirk is asshole friends when her friend takes offense after being gently reminded that you're not supposed to use a cell phone on an airplane. I'm not sure if we're supposed to be impressed by the friend's toughness and be on her side or not. Personally, I'm thoroughly opposed to violence against women but would gladly make an exception for some stupid bitch who thinks she has a God given right to use a cell phone on an airplane.
Anyway, Molly ends up asking Kirk out after he returns her lost iPhone and this is where it gets really unbelievable. It's not unbelievable for the reasons Hollywood thinks it is, of course. Movie producers find the idea of a girl who looks like Alice Eve winding up with a guy who looks like Jay Baruchel so preposterous that they based an entire movie around that supposedly ridiculous idea. In the real world, of course, pairings like this happen all the time. What makes this particular situation unbelievable isn't the disparity in their looks but rather the fact that Kirk is a passive/aggressive loser. He lacks not only stunning good looks but also money, wit and personality. Why is Molly dating a guy who looks like he's about to piss himself in fear when he talks to her? Because he's, "a nice guy." If you're a girl and you suddenly got wet when you heard that, this may be the movie for you. For everyone else, not so much.
I'm sure this movie has redeeming qualities though. For example, there's the scene where Kirk brings Molly to meet his buddies. Now, another reason I consider Kirk to be a loser is that he's met his buddies yet has no inkling that bringing his girlfriend to meet them might be a bad idea. I can't imagine it came as a shock to him when they ask Molly if she's a prostitute or when they encourage her to strip to her underwear. Okay, that's one scene. How about when Kirk and Molly are having dinner at her place? You remember that, right? That's where she rubs up against him a bit too vigorously during a makeout session on her couch and we discover that we must also add lack of sexual prowess to his numerous flaws when he comes in his pants and we all get Jay Baruchel's orgasm face burned forever into our memories. Then, finally, we are reminded that Kirk is the type of guy who never learns from his mistakes when he confides this to his friends and they mercilessly taunt him for it.
I hold out very little hope for this movie. Maybe it will be so loaded with funny jokes I'll forget the stupid plot and the stupid characters in it but I doubt it. It's not like it's going to be loaded with unexpected twists that no one could have predicted either. Let's see if the following happens: Kirk and Molly break up due to the fact that Molly wakes up to the fact that Kirk is a loser. Kirk then quits his airport security job and finally goes after some dream job that was referenced earlier in the movie. It could be anything. Maybe he'll go to med school or maybe he'll drive a Zamboni. All that matters is that he'll get to present the new Kirk to Molly and win her back. Hopefully he won't ejaculate when they kiss at the end but if he does, his friends will be sure to let us know.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Look At My Briefs -- 2/18/10
The time has come once again to talk of many things, specifically my weekly brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.
I've paid very little attention to the upcoming Tim Burton directed adaptation of Alice In Wonderland until this week when I saw the latest trailer and I see that it isn't so much an adaptation of the Lewis Carroll story but rather the Chronicles of Narnia with the characters from Alice in Wonderland inserted into it. Also, I see that Burton gave it the Percy Jackson treatment and changed Alice from an 11 year old girl into a sexy 20 year old. I'm sure this will work out well, especially if it restrains its use of outrageous special effects and concentrates on story and character. So...yeah.
Speaking of Alice in Wonderland, I looked at the IMDB profile of Alice actress Mia Wasikowska and saw that her next movie role is the titular character in the latest adaptation of Jane Eyre. Jane is supposed to be a very plain woman so it only made sense to cast a gorgeous girl like Mia Wasikowska to play her.
As predicted, 24 has reached the point in the season where it starts to annoy me with endless stupid plot twists that usually involve CTU agents arriving at a terrorist lair five minutes after it has been abandoned which is pretty much what happened this week. This will happen several more times before the season is over.
The only thing I thought of when I read this Variety article about the new executive producer of the Carson Daly show was, "Carson Daly still has a show? Didn't that get canceled in the first year or something?"
Who the hell goes to rehab for "anxiety"? This is similar to stars being hospitalized for exhaustion. I predict we will all soon find out that she's mainly anxious about how much cocaine she's been doing.
Some actors are wonderful, brilliant and witty people who often prove to the world that they're not just good looking entertainers but that they actually have brains inside their heads. Then there's Robert Pattinson.
Here's the link if you must read the article but, as that headline says, it's NSFW.
I've paid very little attention to the upcoming Tim Burton directed adaptation of Alice In Wonderland until this week when I saw the latest trailer and I see that it isn't so much an adaptation of the Lewis Carroll story but rather the Chronicles of Narnia with the characters from Alice in Wonderland inserted into it. Also, I see that Burton gave it the Percy Jackson treatment and changed Alice from an 11 year old girl into a sexy 20 year old. I'm sure this will work out well, especially if it restrains its use of outrageous special effects and concentrates on story and character. So...yeah.
Speaking of Alice in Wonderland, I looked at the IMDB profile of Alice actress Mia Wasikowska and saw that her next movie role is the titular character in the latest adaptation of Jane Eyre. Jane is supposed to be a very plain woman so it only made sense to cast a gorgeous girl like Mia Wasikowska to play her.
As predicted, 24 has reached the point in the season where it starts to annoy me with endless stupid plot twists that usually involve CTU agents arriving at a terrorist lair five minutes after it has been abandoned which is pretty much what happened this week. This will happen several more times before the season is over.
The only thing I thought of when I read this Variety article about the new executive producer of the Carson Daly show was, "Carson Daly still has a show? Didn't that get canceled in the first year or something?"
Who the hell goes to rehab for "anxiety"? This is similar to stars being hospitalized for exhaustion. I predict we will all soon find out that she's mainly anxious about how much cocaine she's been doing.
Some actors are wonderful, brilliant and witty people who often prove to the world that they're not just good looking entertainers but that they actually have brains inside their heads. Then there's Robert Pattinson.
Here's the link if you must read the article but, as that headline says, it's NSFW.
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