Showing posts with label look at my briefs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label look at my briefs. Show all posts

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 6/2/11

As usual, it's over at Examiner.com under a different, blander name but it's still another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 5/12/11

You almost didn't get this when, due to the general suck factor of Microsoft Word 2010, I accidentally deleted an earlier draft of this. As it is, you can read another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs at Examiner.com with a cleaned up title.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 5/5/11

Once again, this week's edition of brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs has been adapted for and published on Examiner.com. Sorry folks, they're a larger audience and I even make a little money. Still, all you have to do to read it is click this link.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 4/28/11

Oh yes, your eyes aren't lying. It's time for another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs...only not here. As with most things, it's over at Examiner.com but don't worry. It's just one click away.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 4/21/11

I'm writing for Examiner now which means we can no longer have another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs. Ha ha, gotcha. It still exists. It's just on Examiner now. I had to localize at least part of the content but it turned out well, I think. I bet my mom would like it anyway. Sadly, I can't use dirty words there. Fuck. Man, that felt good.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 3/31/11

Sorry folks, I won't be posting another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs this week. HA HA, APRIL FOOL! Yes, I know that's not till tomorrow but that just means this isn't an April Fool and that makes it the GREATEST APRIL FOOL OF ALL TIME!!! Really, it does.

Here's an interesting story about Elizabeth Taylor's role in taking down the Production Code, a set of self imposed movie industry rules governed by religious zealots that not only forbade even mildly excessive sexuality but also interracial couples. The current movie rating system still has trouble separating serious adult material from pornography but at least we're better off now than we were back then. So thanks Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, Mike Nichols and everyone else who dared to stand up to censorship. Thanks to you, we now have movies like Transformers and...Sucker Punch...screw you guys.

The new Dr. Who trailer looks very cool. It teases just enough without spoiling a damn thing. It's lucky I don't have sex with trailers because if I did, it would be very sore and very pregnant by now.



Everyone complained last week about the costume being worn by the latest incarnation of Wonder Woman. well America, you can't get decent healthcare income equality but by God you can get a television network to make minor wardrobe changes to the costumes of fictional characters. They still should have done what they did to Batman and reimagined it completely to be more in line with what a real person would wear because, after all, a real person is now wearing it but it is better than it was. I'll let you know if I have any trouble ripping it off Adrianne Palicki's body when I fantasize about her.

The only answer I can come up with for this headline is, "He'll get his own show on a pornographic version of the Food Network."

Joel Surnow claims that the History Channel almost killed his mini-series about the Kennedys because he's conservative. Actually, it seems the real reason is that someone at the History Channel actually sat down and read the script.

In this week's reboot news, how the hell can Child's Play be darker? Also, they are already quite literally planning to reboot the Batman franchise before The Dark Knight Rises has even been made. This news backs up my theory that the Harry Potter movies will be "rebooted" and the whole franchise will start over again six months after the last one premieres this summer.

By now, you may have heard of Jacqueline Howett, the writer of an e-book who freaked in a comments section over a critic's bad review. Truth to tell, I feel sorry for her. It was unprofessional but she is inexperienced and almost certainly didn't think the story would get the coverage it did. Still, we do live in an age where there truly isn't such a thing as bad publicity and I can't see this not moving at least a few copies of her book. Hmm...

LISTEN UP ALL YOU SYPHILITIC FUCKTARDS WHO'VE SAID THEY HATE THIS BLOG! I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY TOO BUSY SCREWING YOUR MOMS TO DO THINGS LIKE DEVELOP TASTE AND LEARN TO APPRECIATE GOOD WRITING BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD PULL YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES FOR TWO SECONDS AND LEARN HOW TO READ. AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 3/24/11

Spring has sprung, as they say, unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere but, as we in the North know, those people don't matter and no more thought should be given to them. But I kid you Southerners. I kid because I love. To show you my love, here is another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

I'm sort of, kind of, almost really looking forward to seeing Sucker Punch. I hate to get hopes and expectations up but articles like this one have been doing just that. Oh, I don't care too much that director Zach Snyder works so closely with his wife. It's statements like this one that have peaked my interest.
"It's pretty fearless," said Oscar Isaac, who plays the villain Blue in a beard and eyeshadow. "In the sense that he is unashamedly putting everything that he thinks is cool, every idea that he's been wanting to see in a film — he puts it up there and does it very boldly."
Snyder has done the impossible. He's taken two famous graphic novels, both of which had a reputation of being unfilmable, and made them into two pretty good movies with remarkable visual imagination that were also quite profitable. This means he now has the power to do what he wants. It also means he's about due for an epic failure that everyone knew was coming but no one had the guts to stop him. Hopefully, that will be his next movie and my weekend won't be ruined when I see Sucker Punch.

Speaking of Zach Snyder, I'm still opposed to a new Superman movie and even more so now that Viggo Mortensen won't be playing Zod. Still, I just got done singing Snyder's praises and describing him as a guy who's pulled off unlikely feats so maybe...for the next part, please refer to the above paragraph when I talked about hating to raise my hopes and expectations.

And since I've raised the subject, here's something else that's unfilmable. This is obvious to anyone who ever read the book as well as anyone who ever saw the two failed attempts to bring it to the screen. Since Zach Snyder, the guy who films the unfilmable, isn't involved, the only reaction to the news of the project's apparent death is GOOD!

Who will be the one to stop this madness?

So, Captain America. He was never my favorite superhero. Thinking back, I wouldn't say he was even in the top ten. If I was short on money and had to choose which comic book to skip that week, he was always the one I'd choose. Well, him and Iron Man. The good news here is that I loved the movie adaptation of Iron Man so I see no reason not to raise my hopes and expectations to previously unimaginable heights and assume that the new Captain America movie coming out this summer will be the greatest movie ever in the history of anything.

I generally shy away from tributes to deceased movie stars so I'll let what people like Roger Ebert and many others have written about Elizabeth Taylor's death stand without my added voice. I will point out how events like this always bring out the worst in what were already really awful people. People like National Review's Mona Charen who decided the best way to pay tribute to Dame Elizabeth was to call her fat and then claim her lifestyle was proof and vindication of Mona Charen's beliefs and worldview. Luckily, I don't think I have to explain, at least not to you all, how absotively stupid it looks to hold up a woman who was divorced multiple times as evidence of the sheer wonderful awesomeness of marriage. I can only assume she's trying to lay the groundwork now to excuse the possible candidacy of Newt Gingrich who is currently on his third marriage.

One of the absolute worst of all the contest/reality shows out there is Dancing With The Stars, the show in which washed up athletes, slutty reality show stars and actors whose current level of fame is about on the same level as the cast of Riptide* come together to shake their good stuff to the delight of the sad, sick thing called the majority of the television audience. Thus, I take it as a sign of hope that this year's ratings, at least for the premiere, were down 20% from last year. Thanks a lot, America. Take the rest of the week off.

*Google it.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 3/17/11

Happy St. Patrick's Day. In honor of this least holy of days, I have written a special edition of Look At My Briefs designed to be read while drunk. Please get as drunk as you can before reading this. I'll wait. Done? Cool.

It's a shame that Fox has decided to postpone the premiere of Terra Nova. I want it to start up now, and by that I mean this very second. I want to turn on my local Fox affiliate and see it playing. The sooner it premieres, the sooner I can make fun of it before it's mercifully canceled. I've mentioned this before but I am simply assuming Terra Nova is going to suck. In fact, let's not call it an assumption. It's really an educated guess. When you click the link and see the names of the executive producers, the name Brannon Braga will jump out at you if you are at all familiar with it. Brannon Braga is best known for making the last two Star Trek shows, Voyager and Enterpirse, staggeringly mediocre viewing experiences that were mostly mixtures of melodrama mized with dialogue like, "Let's vent cronoton particles through the warp plasma converters and shunt it through the main deflector dish." Since then, he's made a few crap series like Threshold (which also has the same name of one of the worst Voyager epsiodes, also written by Braga) and Flash Forward, neither of which went more than a year. So bring it on, Fox. But Braga, and us, out of our misery.

This may as well have said, "Mike Clear, Don't Bother Reading This." Still, it does mean I don't have to see commercials of a shirtless chunkhead and various hot women crying and professing their eternal love till next year. Between now and then, I will forget that The Bachelor even exists and will be annoyed when they remind me it's back. And so it goes.

OK, no one leaves this room until you tell me which of you was demanding a reunion of the original American Pie cast for another movie. Those movies aren't bad, mind you, and I liked the way the third movie wrapped the whole story up. My main objection to a new one is...I liked the way the third movie wrapped the story up. Oh well, looks like a done deal. I wonder what Jason Biggs will stick his dick into this time. Probably an animal.

Saying, "Richard Linklater will direct a remake of The Incredible Mr. Limpet," reminds of that old, "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things does not belong," game. Also, you all do know that Mr. Limpet was a man who had sex with a fish, right? Sure, he had turned into a fish but he started off human. I can't see me suddenly wanting to pork a mackerel even if I was a mackerel myself. And yes, Limpet and Ladyfish did it. It wasn't onscreen but what do you think they were going to do when they swam off together at the end? It's not like there's an alternative to sex in the ocean. On land, you can join play World of Warcraft or join a Star Trek club but those options don't exist for fish. Seriously, who's the sick fuck who thought all this up?

The right wing has once again decided that an apolitical film is actually a conservative screed and is labeling anyone who doesn't like it an un-American elitist. As usual, Big Hollywood's John Nolte is at the forefront of this debate and is upset over Roger Ebert's negative review of the movie and the fact that the existence of that review now makes it impossible for him to achieve any kind of totally hetero boner while thinking of Battle: Los Angeles. Nolte's point is that lots and lots of people saw Battle: LA and how could they all be wrong? This must mean Nolte must have absolutely loved Avatar, the top grossing movie of all time, but no, he didn't. the difference between him and Ebert is that Ebert wrote his review after he saw while Nolte wrote the first of many trashings of Avatar six months before it was even released. I should leave Nolte alone though because he's going to be very upset when he hears the news about another right wing fetish film, the Red Dawn remake.

Hey, remember that movie with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher? You know, they played a couple who decided to keep their relationship strictly about sex even though they were obviously crazy about each other? Do you remember it because I honestly can't remember the title. I could look it up but I think it's probably a good thing that I can't remember it. Anyway, if you missed it when it was out earlier this year, you can catch basically the same movie when it comes out in July.

This is the best comment I've heard so far about the upcoming Arthur remake with Russell Brand.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 3/10/11

It's March 10, a day no one gives a crap about. To give it some sort of importance, I have decided to publish another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

By what definition is Twilight: Eclipse an Indie film?

The news that Guillermo del Toro isn't going to direct a big budget adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's At The Mountains Of Madness is a shame. If there's anyone who could have done Lovecraft justice, it's del Toro. He would have shown the book the proper respect while making changes necessary as it's really not something that would make an interesting movie, something that can be said of most of Lovecraft's work. On the other hand, I am now spared having to say, "This sucks. Did this A-hole del Toro even read the book?"

The answer to this question is no.

The answer to this question is yes.

I agree completely with Michael Bay that Transformers 2 was crap. Only difference is I was saying it two years ago. I sincerely doubt that Transformers 3 will be much better though I look forward to Bay's next apology two years from now.

At this point, it will only be newsworthy if some godawful problem isn't causing major delays of the Spider-Man musical. Most Broadway productions would be upset about being shut down till June but I'm betting the makers of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark are saying, "Only June? Let's break out the champagne and party hats."

Coincidentally, this Hollywood Reporter headline is also the lead story in this month's issue of No Shit, Sherlock magazine.

The 3D re-release of Phantom Menace is coming out in February, 2012. The good news is that we'll start getting the good Star Wars movies in 2015.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 3/3/11

Thank goodness March is here. I usually enjoy winter but I've gotten tired of this one, mainly because of an excess of snow. March comes in like a lion, they say, and the thing most like a lion, at least in the world of movie blogging, is another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

Why is everyone so shocked that Michael Bay seems oblivious to the fact that he often offends huge sections of his audience? He's been doing this for years and yet he's only been rewarded for it. Hell, if I was him I'd remake Birth of a Nation.

You'd think I'd like the idea of Viggo Mortensen playing General Zod is a new Superman movie. I don't like it for several reasons. First, we don't need another Superman movie. Second, contemporary villains are usually far more introspective today than they were in 1980 when Terrence Stamp played Zod. In that, Zod was a bad guy, plain and simple. "Bow down before me, son of Jor-El!" is classic and cool channeling of Ming the Merciless. I'm worried a modern Zod will be like the modern Ming we saw a few years ago when the SighFigh channel tried to bring him back in a new Flash Gordon series. That Ming looked and acted like an insurance salesman. Also, WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER SUPERMAN MOVIE!

I want to see a spaghetti Western by Quentin Tarantino more than I want to see world peace, an AIDS cure or a naked Kate Beckinsale yelling, "RIDE ME, MICHAEL!". 'Nuff said.

I see Warner Brothers is trying to copy Disney by claiming they own characters that they really don't own. It will be really cool if they try to do it to Disney themselves as they try to make a new film with James Franco as the Wizard. Of course, Disney itself will claim they invented Oz when that movie comes out.

Dear Charlie Sheen: Fuck you. Your crazy behavior has been clogging my Google Reader for over a week now. It is my right as an American to demand that you get your shit together and stop bothering me. Also, good work on getting crazy conspiracy theorist Alex Jones on your side. That should convince people that your whole personal thing is now fixed. (If you don't know who Alex Jones is, look him up. I'm not linking to him.)

Worldwide access to the BBC's iPlayer is, to me, too good to be true and makes me think I must be misreading it. That would be worth the cost just for Doctor Who episodes. It's possible now to access the iPlayer in the U.S. Not that I would ever do that, of course, as just the thought of doing something so immoral and vaguely illegal makes my sphincter clench and unclench uncontrollably. I suppose the BBC figured that, since they can't stop foreigners from getting in, they can at least make money off the deal. That's downright American of them.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 2/24/11

A little known World War II story is Hitler's successful operation to change the world's calendars so that February would only have 28 days. That means this is the last Thursday of February and thus, the final February edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

The producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark have finally figured out that the source of all their problems might be that they need a script.

You've probably seen that trailer for the game Dead Island by now. If you have, you should know that you and the millions of others who raved about it have succeeded in convincing Hollywood to turn it into a movie. This is really good news since the one thing our society needs is another zombie story and movies based on video games are always good.

Maybe there's a reason people keep calling you an asshole. I have nothing against Justin Timberlake, mind you, but if people keep calling you that, maybe there's a reason in the same way there was a reason people called me fat before I lost weight.

I find myself excited at the idea of a dark version of Pinocchio directed by Guillermo del Toro. As del Toro himself says, the idea of clean, safe and sanitized fairy tales is a fairly recent event in human history. Kids in previous eras used to hear stories of Little Red Riding Hood in which that little moron Red ended up in the belly of the wolf without a friendly woodsman saving her at the last minute. It was good for them to hear this as it took their minds of the fact that everyone around them was dying of the plague. I hope that del Toro knows that, despite the fact that it will get a PG and maybe a PG-13 rating, some doofus parents will place on del Toro 100% of the blame that they took their six year old to it and that the kid had a nightmare.

Every few years, some company tries to do something like take Kate Winslet's nude scene out of Titanic and then sell it to people who think boobies make the baby Jesus cry. The latest attempt at this comes from Family Edited DVDs Inc, or used to come from them anyway. As anyone who knew the legal version of their ass from their elbow could have told you, this is obviously illegal and was doomed to be shot down. I don't know what these people would do if they made movies and someone else started altering them for a profit but my guess is they wouldn't be cool with it. To all the bluenoses out there, you have my sincerest condolences for the fact that you all are stuck with Fireproof and Letters From God and various other unwatchable Christian films but that's the way it is. You can broaden your tastes or deal with your lot in life. On that note, I'd like to announce my new project called Clear and Dirty Inc. in which I take movies like Fireproof and add foul language and hardcore sex scenes. First up, I'm going to take Ben Stein's pro-Creationist documentary Expelled and change it into a flattering look at the life of Richard Dawkins. I'm sure the family friendly crown won't mind.

I love this story about Groucho Marx so much, I want to have sex with it. Is such a thing socially acceptable yet or do I have to wait till next year?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 2/17/11

I like it when mid-February rolls around. It means the long, dark month of January is over and big studio movies, while not necessarily good, will probably be better than anything you've seen since Christmas. Mid-February is also a great time for another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

OK, not all the movies you will see this time of year will be better than the movies shown in the previous six weeks. For example, as of this writing Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son is clocking it at a rousing zero percent on the Tomatometer. I hope it stays that way. Oh, not for any vindictive motive. I want it to stay at zero for their sake. Getting zero percent is as uncommon as getting 100% and would be quite an achievement if they can sustain it at least until tomorrow when even more reviews come in and are added to the score. I'm pulling for you, guys.

Hey Coen brothers, if you two make a horror movie, I will suck your dicks. Seriously. A horror movie made by two is one of the things I now live for so yeah, going the gay route would be a small price to pay. Any way you want it. I can take you both on at the same time if that's what you're into. One of you could watch me with the other one. Whatever you want, I'll do it. Just make the movie.

The cinematic adaptation of Atlas Shrugged is sad looking when you consider it was once primed to be a big studio project with Angelina Jolie as Dagny Taggart. I, of course, will always think of it as that boring book I was forced to read in high school no matter how many reality challenged people try to spin it as some sort of great work of literature and a cheat code manual to the game of life. I've heard it only cost $5 million to make so it will probably avoid the money losing fate of An American Carol, the right's last attempt to take over Hollywood. And hey, it's in three parts, one of which, if it's faithful to the book, will be consumed by a long, droning speech so that should fill the movie theater seats.

I, for one, am absolutely shocked at the Justin Bieber movie is being pirated. I mean, only every other movie from Avatar to the pornographic satire of Avatar gets pirated but I was sure the Justin Bieber movie would be spared. I fully agree with The Examiner columnist who blamed the parents of the movie's youthful audience. I can't believe that their kids did this as, normally, they would have done it themselves.

Speaking of the Beebs, His Royal Hairness has decided to express political opinions. It takes either someone very brave or very ignorant of the consequences to do something like that but I'm sure a 16 year old would be fully aware of this and would definitely possess the wisdom and maturity required to handle whatever sort of fallout he experiences from this interview. if nothing else, I'm looking forward to the schizophrenic Big Hollywood articles applauding him for his anti-abortion stance while calling him a typical Hollywood know-nothing for calling America evil because of its health care policies.

There used to be a little theater near me that mostly showed second run or small indie films. I used to love going there not just for the movies but because the owners also had a restaurant in the same building and you could order things like beer battered fish and chips instead of just over priced popcorn and soda. I thought of this when I read this Cinematical article about movie theater snacks outside the USA. The place closed when the owner retired and moved to Florida. I know expanding the menu at your average multiplex would be a pain but, if they did, I know I would probably pay rent to live in their lobby. You may say I'm a dreamer...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 2/10/11

No, I will not be seeing the Justin Bieber movie. If you were hoping to see either one of my ever-so-fun scathing negative reviews or the much less likely possibility that I would have written the words, "His angelic voice sings me up to Heaven," sorry. As compensation, please enjoy another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

Let's start by laughing at the MPAA actually sending Google a notice threatening to cut off their internet access. Stuff like that only works on the powerless, guys. Thanks for the laugh, though.

I complain about sequels and remakes not because I think the originals (for the most part) were so sacred and pristine that to continue or retell the story is akin to blasphemy. Rather, I don't like sequels or remakes because that's all you freaking see anymore and they drive out more interesting original projects. That being said, if you're going to do such things, Fantastic Voyage is the type of movie that should be remade. It's a so-so film that could definitely be made better. Not that it's necessarily going to be, especially since Shawn Levy, director of the remake of The Pink Panther, has been hired to do this one. That does not bode well but maybe Levy will surprise us. If he does...the odds against him surprising us are huge so I got nothing.

If you'd listened to me when I told you that making Spider-Man into a Broadway musical was a dumb idea, you wouldn't be here trying to defend yourself against the predictable lousy reviews. Just be glad that no one's been critically injured lately and move on.

The really bad news is Arianna Huffington discovering that the $315 million dollars is going to be paid out in free AOL time.

She was joking, assholes. Once again, I seem to be the only who figured out that a celebrity told a joke that entertainment reporters en masse decide to take out of context and report as if it was true, the joke in this case being Oscar nominee Jennifer Lawrence saying she was attracted to her brother. Yes, Hollywood Reporter, Jennifer Lawrence is such an inbred Kentucky hillbilly that she thought nothing of telling the world she wants to ride her brother and zeroing in on that part of her Rolling Stone interview was damn fine journalism on your part. She's done one frigging movie and you're already trying to drive her out of the business. The actual interview was bad enough because Rolling Stone used a low cut bathing suit picture of her that would have been very sexy except that she looked like she'd been up for three days and forced to stand on a nail. Odd, I feel very protective of Jennifer Lawrence. I hope it's me being paternal and not because I want to ejaculate on her.

Apparently, every movie being made for the next two years is about Snow White.

Fox's The Chicago Code was very good, something I hardly ever say about a television show's pilot episode. The characters were interesting, the jokes were funny and I was interested if and how the good guys will eventually bring down a corrupt alderman. I really liked it which naturally means it premiered to very soft ratings. Enjoy the ripoff of Biggest Loser that Fox will use as its replacement if they cancel it, America.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 2/3/11

I'm not sure what will fix the situation in Egypt but I know what won't help is another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs. Sorry Egypt. I did try.

I haven't talked much about the Sundance Film Festival because I'm not there and those short sighted, small minded bastards didn't see fit to invite me to showcase my World of Warcraft fan films. Be that as it may, one breakout star who caught my eye is a girl named Brit Marling. She's not only performing in two films there but she also wrote them. Both of those movie sound freaky and unusual enough to suit my tastes, especially a science fiction film called Another Earth. My life has been a quest for decent, serious science fiction (and by that I don't mean lacking in fun, I mean something that follows logical rules and knows that a solar system isn't a galaxy) and that movie looks like it fits the bill. I even like this quote:
“My brain is rational and skeptical, but my heart is emotional. I want to believe in love and in poetry, that they are sometimes extraordinary, even in mundane settings,” said Marling. “Both movies have that longing.”
I BELIEVE IN LOVE TOO, BRIT! I feel a song coming on...I dreamed a dream of time gone by...anyhoo Brit, I'm kind of buying your products sight unseen so I really, really hope you don't suck. If you do, you owe me $10, just because.

Speaking of science fiction projects, apparently Orson Scott Card's 1985 book Ender's Game with three major studios and some venture capitalists fighting to see who gets to make it. This made me wonder how the hell Hollywood works. As I said, Ender's Game has been around since 1985 and now, 26 years later, everyone in the movie business just has to be the one to adapt it to film. Also, Hollywood? You still haven't made a movie out of Alfred Bester's The Demolished Man. Just saying.

Since the movie business is ignoring me when I keep saying that we don't need another Superman movie, they most likely don't care what my opinion of who should play Lois Lane is but I'll say Olivia Wilde would be the best choice from that list. Kristen Stewart would have been the worst choice so I'm glad she's out. I don't hate Kristen Stewart. She's at her best when playing vulnerable and that's not what Lois Lane should be unless they're planning to tell a story written in the mindset of Superman stories from the 40s in which case they should fight like hell to get her to change her mind.

I wonder who the guy was a few years back who said, "Let's stake our financial future on an unstable, middle aged drug addict." I'm betting he or she is now saying, "Would you like fries with that?"

Thank you, America.

Is it OK if I don't hate this sketch because of GLAAD's allegations of prejudice against the transgendered? It's just that I already hate it because it is to comedy what cancer is to healthy organs.

I don't think The Stand is filmable. If it is, I don't think the movie would be any good since one of Hollywood's main goals for over 30 years has been to make adaptations of Stephen King's work as shitty as possible. The exception to this rule has always been his non-horror works like The Shawshank Redemption, a category The Stand does not fall into. If this book does manage to find its own version of Peter Jackson or, hell, maybe Peter Jackson himself, it will mean Hell has frozen over and is probably a pretty pleasant place now.

Talking about how the commercial Kim Kardashian did for your company gave you a boner is something I could never do. Mainly because I wouldn't stop there. "Seriously, semen was being spilled by the gallon on that set. If a theme park called Jizz World ever opens, they'll model it after the way our set looked. I think women there were getting pregnant just by breathing too hard. The lighting was nice too. Oh, buy Skechers."

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 1/27/11

I'm not sure how but, somehow, it is once again Thursday, the day I present another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

Kevin Smith pulled a clever stunt in which his producer auctioned off the distribution rights to his new film Red State only to sell the rights to himself for $20. His plan is to distribute the film himself the way producer William Castle used to do it in the 50s, taking it from town to town himself. His hope is that this would eliminate the need to spend millions of dollars on distribution and advertising costs. I don't see this working but man, it would be great if it did. If it doesn't work, I'll gladly pay 30 bucks for the movie and show it to my family to recoup the costs. My family will be mad when I charge them $10 for popcorn but they love me so they'll get over it.

Wait a minute, there's a third Olsen sister? And she's making quality movies and not stuff about twins who have to switch places in order to save a community center or whatever the hell the Olsen twins' movies are about? If we were closer to April 1, I wouldn't believe a word of this and I still don't fully believe that this girl didn't just purchase the rights to the Olsen name.

I like to think Gale-Anne Hurd was making a joke but I think most people who say stuff like, "A zombie invasion is less scary than a financial meltdown," actually mean what they say, at least until they think seriously about it. People doing that is literally worse than the Holocaust.

To those of you who think that the failure of the Academy to nominate Waiting For Superman in the Best Documentary category is prima facie evidence that the nominating committee all got hand jobs from the teacher's unions, you might want to read this.

I still think Hailee Steinfeld should have been nominated for Best Actress and not in the supporting role category. She was the lead character of the film and, if anything, Jeff Bridges was the one supporting her. Still, I hope she wins if for no other reason than that I can't think of who the hell else is nominated for Best Supporting Actress.

Despite an improved second episode, I still think American Skins is a pale imitation of its British original. Sadly, instead of its quality, people are freaking out over all of its non-existent child pornography. Some high profile advertisers have dropped out and, to my surprise, ratings dropped by half in the second episode. I'd like to think it's because everyone agreed with me that it wasn't that great but it's more likely that parents forbade their kids from watching it lest they see nipples and bare butts that weren't there. If it's the latter, it's a good thing they did that because it's not like the kids can just pull a phone out of their pockets and just watch it online. MTV is actually showing a bit of backbone, probably because the people complaining about it would eliminate MTV itself if they could but they will cancel it if the ratings don't improve. This puts me in the awkward position of defending a show for which I do not particularly care though, as I said, it did get better in episode 2.

Big Hollywood debating itself: Hollywood celebrities are self absorbed tightasses who should lighten up and take a joke vs. SARAH PALIN JOKES ARE MEAN AND CRUEL AND INEXCUSABLE SKREEEEEEEE!

Italian-Americans are complaining about Jersey Shore filming in Italy. I'll only complain if America lets them back in.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 1/20/11

I present to you now the 50th anniversary edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs. No, it's not really the 50th anniversary but, if you want to call your boss and say you're taking the day off for the anniversary, I'll back you up.

I'm not the least bit upset that a new sequel/prequel/whateverquel to Alien has now been shelved. There are too damn many completely needless sequels made at the expense of new and interesting projects. New and interesting projects like, let's say, the movie Prometheus that producer Damon Lindelof and director Ridley Scott is going to do instead.
“While Alien was indeed the jumping off point for this project, out of the creative process evolved a new, grand mythology and universe in which this original story takes place,” said Scott in a statement. “The keen fan will recognize strands of Alien's DNA, so to speak, but the ideas tackled in this film are unique, large and provocative. I couldn't be more pleased to have found the singular tale I'd been searching for, and finally return to this genre that's so close to my heart.”

"In a world flooded with prequels, sequels and reboots,” stated Lindelof. “I was incredibly struck by just how original Ridley's vision was for this movie. It's daring, visceral and hopefully, the last thing anyone expects.”

That actually gets me excited, especially when I think that these two aren't hacks who think of this as an excuse to do a slasher film set in space to make a quick buck. Good luck to Scott, Lindelof and everyone else involved, unless Prometheus is about robots who shapeshift into trucks and helicopters.

If you told me today Max Bialystock was a real guy and was producing the Spider-Man musical on Broadway, I would believe you. There have probably been rockier openings in Broadway's long history but I never heard old time theater people talking about the number of deaths involved when Gigi first premiered.

Speaking of "too many sequels". I would say no to the TRON: Legacy sequel but I would have said no to TRON: Legacy and Disney doesn't care what I think anyway, especially when they figure that I, as a movie fan, will probably see it if they make it. Hell, if the numbers worked, I'd make it if I were Disney. That's one of the problems with the movie industry that, to my surprise, this blog has been very ineffective at correcting.

Apparently,and I'm not sure if anyone is interested in this, Anne Hathaway has been cast to play Catwoman in the new Batman movie. Really, is that something that would generate any interest whatsoever? Probably not. I'm not really sure why I'm mentioning it.

My favorite line of this article in which Seth Rogen recounts the apocalyptic beliefs of George Lucas is, "Lucas assures Rogen he doesn't have a spaceship." Well, it's a good thing he went out of his way to confirm that because I was wondering.

If Ricky Gervais had spent two hours doing "Mike Clear is an asshole" jokes, I would probably be pissed. He didn't, though, so I found him funny. The controversy surrounding his role as Golden Globes host reminds me of the time Stephen Colbert spoke at the White House Correspondents Dinner and was actually funny and entertaining at the cost of injuring the delicate feelings not only of the politicians but of the members of the Washington press corps in attendance. The entertainment press is similar to the political press in that too many of them see themselves not as observers but as active members of the community on which they are supposed to be objectively reporting and thus engage in knee-jerk defense of the people they see at cocktail parties. If nothing else, Gervais' performance will be remembered for years just as Colbert's was whereas whatever inoffensive piece of milquetoast that the Globes' producers hire next year will be remembered in the same way that the guy who replaced Stephen Colbert was.

One reaction to Gervais' I'm interested in is that of Big Hollywood. After all, it was only a few weeks ago that the right wing movie site published several articles like this one from their editor, John Nolte describing Gervais as the worst thing ever for an article he wrote extoling the virtues of atheism. Hey, wait a minute, it turns out that BH's Nolte absolutely loved it and even described it as speaking truth to power.
In the bubbled, hypocritical mind of some in Hollywood, the only reason Gervais crossed a line is because he went after them. Had he been as relentless in ripping apart Sarah Palin, her young children, Jesus Christ, or George W. Bush, today the comedian would be celebrated as “edgy” and “courageous” — because only in Hollywood is throwing red meat to a hard-left crowd considered “edgy” and “courageous.” But Gervais didn’t do that. Instead, he trained his satirical fire on Hollywood Power and today there’s serious talk about whether or not the comedian will be brought back to the Golden Globes next year as host.

Of course, if Gervais had given Sarah Palin, Jesus Christ or George W. Bush the treatment he gave members of the movie industry, Nolte would be accusing Gervais of trying to destroy everything good and pure in America, the land Jesus came from. How do we know this? I already posted the link of Nolte's reaction when Gervais talked about his atheist beliefs but maybe Nolte's changed in the past three weeks and isn't simply applauding Gervais because the comedian went after people he didn't like. I think he has changed and all I have to do to believe that is ignore these articles published just yesterday describing Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert in what are literally Orwellian terms for segments they did on Sarah Palin. Of course, all Hollywood would have had to do to be spared the wrath and jealousy of John Nolte was to regard this movie as the greatest thing ever put on celluloid.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 1/13/11

It's snowing here today in northern New York. I assume that everyone on the planet is also getting snow which means none of you has anything else to do except take a peek at another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

Even though I didn't care too much for The Cape, I'll disagree with this Salon headline and assert that television can, in fact, do supeheroes. As evidence, I present the first season of Heroes. While it sadly went downhill, season one of Heroes was as good as television gets. Case closed. I win.

Some of the saddest news I've heard in a long time is that the script for Ghostbusters 3 is ready to go. Going by Ghostbusters 2 and the fact that it's been 20 years since that came out and no one really wanted a third one, I just can't imagine this would be any good. Is it possible that I could be wrong and that this could be a delightful romp that will take me back to my childhood? Well, I suppose it's poss...NO NO NO! That's exactly what Ivan Reitman wants me to do. I will now and forever, without seeing it, judge the movie poorly and refuse to change my opinion no matter what evidence comes my way because that's how an intelligent film critic behaves.

One remake I can honestly say is a good idea is Total Recall. The Arnold Schwarzenegger movie is a decent action film and not much else. I'm sure this will have action but producer Neal Moritz at least implies that they'll be shooting for something closer to the original Philip K. Dick story We Can Remember It For You Wholesale that it was based on. That's the case with most screen adaptations of Philip K. Dick. Even the good ones like Blade Runner and Minority Report differ wildly from the original work. You have to expect that from movies, of course, or else you'll drive yourself insane but for now I will remain a bit optimistic that something resembling Dick's intelligent science fiction will make it to the big screen.

This has been a week for bad news but at least we can all be relieved that, for now, Michael Douglas has scored in his battle against cancer.

I'm trying to figure out which is a better example of reality fucking with me. Is it Baz Luhrmann's wish to film The Great Gatsby in 3D or the fact that Jersey Shore's Snooki is now a published author? I suppose I should congratulate Miss Snooki for having the dignity not to cash in on her fame by tossing a few ideas to a ghost writer and instead insisting on writing the whole book herself and submitting it anonymously so it would rise above the other books in the slush pile on its own merits. If that's not what happened, don't tell me because I don't want to know.

After suffering through several years having to hear about how seeing Janet Jackson's nipple was destroying the country and seeing it blamed for everything from the financial crisis to swine flu, I now thoroughly enjoy it when the nation's professional prudes lose a battle. Soon, the nation will be a seething cauldron of hedonism. That's what they think, anyway.

Onion Sportsdome is the best new show to be on Comedy Central since...um...hell, I can't remember the last time they had a decent show. I still like South Park and The Daily Show/Colbert but if you take those two out, Comedy Central has as much actual comedy as a 1970's Soviet farm documentary. Sportsdome is a live action parody of, among other things, ESPN's Sportscenter and, unlike the countless South Park ripoffs that Comedy Central has been feeding us for years, this is actually funny. Keep up the good work.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 1/6/11

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I'm sure that by now you've all recovered from any lingering after effects of that wonderful holiday. You may have a drunkenly conceived baby on the way but it'll be weeks before you know about that. To take your mind off it, why not read another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

Number one on this list, Game of Thrones, is the only one that really catches my attention. The idea of a modern classic fantasy novel being adapted for HBO makes me tingle and not because it could get the True Blood treatment and be full of boobs. Fringe is watchable but I really couldn't care less about it. Mildred Pierce and Luck hold promise, of course, but they don't cause curiosity in me. I'll watch Roger Ebert's new show, of course. I'm just happy the new season of American Idol didn't make the list.

The new lead actress in the Spider-Man musical looks so sweet and pretty. It's a shame that her very presence in that show means she's doomed.

One of the few reasons to see either Clash of the Titans or Prince of Persia was that they both starred sexy British actress Gemma Arterton. This is why I'm pleased to see that she is set to make a new version of Hansel and Gretel the very first cinematic version of that fairy tale that can be called "boner worthy". The Brothers Grimm would be so happy right now.

If Hallie Steinfeld gets a nomination for Best Supporting Actress for her role as Mattie in True Grit, it will be one of the worst nominations in history. That's because, as this Hollywood Reporter article points out, she should get a nomination for Best Actress. Mattie wasn't just the female lead of the movie. She was the main character and it's every other character in the movie, including Jeff Bridges' Rooster Cogburn, that is supporting her. From beginning to end, the movie is Mattie's story. Same deal with the book as its original cover art clearly shows. Most people think the title refers to Rooster Cogburn but, in the end, it's Mattie who has true grit. I know the producers and her handlers want to up the chances of a nomination but the girl was great and deserves her shot at the Best Actress nod.

Two other True Grit items. One: it turns out that it has become the Coen brothers most financially successful movie ever. It's not their best film but it's still good news and well deserved. Two: Ethan Coen's son, Buster, is only 15 but he's already my hero.

I'm assuming reality itself is messing with me now.

The answer to this question is, "Not jizz in their pants the way everyone at Big Hollywood will."

The link in this article to the Red Band trailer of the new Ashton Kutcher/Natalie Portman comedy No Strings Attached was apparently pulled by the producers. When you try to start it, it says it was pulled off YouTube. It was very cagey of the producers to do that because, if they hadn't, their movie may have gotten free publicity and more people would have gone to see it.

Personally, I think Betty White should be worked to death and then shot by a one eyed Jeff Bridges. I can't be the only one who thinks that, right?

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Look At My Briefs -- 12/30/10

This is the last edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs of the year. Let the importance of this moment sink in for a moment. Is it sunk in? If not too bad cause this sucker is starting up now.

MTV Movies Blog has a list of the Top 10 Breakout Stars of 2010. To my great surprise, none of them severely annoys me. Usually when I see a "Who's Hot" list, there are always a few whose sudden, violent death wouldn't upset and at least one I would gladly shoot in the face myself. All ten of these folks, however, managed to endear themselves to me over the past year and I'd love to see Emma Stone become the Next Big Thing. Of course, the Next Big Thing often becomes the Next Big Trainwreck and I certainly don't wish that for Emma Stone. Now if I hear that she was pulled on Hollywood Boulevard at 2 AM wearing nothing but cocaine, I'll feel partially responsible.

The answer to this question is: It's just you.

If you saw Big Momma's House and its sequel and thought that those movies had unanswered questions that demanded further exploration of the Big Momma-verse, your prayers are answered. I'm sure all the fans at this year's Big MommaCon will be thrilled to hear that the director of Big Momma 2 decided not to do that Merchant-Ivory produced adaptation of Middlemarch and will be taking up the reins once again as Martin Lawrence's character introduces his son to the glories of being a cross-dressing crime fighter. This is also great news for film critics making next year's "Worst Films of 2011" lists since they can get started with this one.

It should come as no surprise that a man who has directed major science fiction films thinks that science in movies need not be accurate. Fans of serious science fiction have known this for decades. We also know that the primary reason for this is that most film makers actually hate science fiction and consider it to be one step above pornography so it doesn't matter if you think terms like "galaxy" and "solar system" are interchangeable. Basically, they think that because they themselves do not care that no one in the audience will care either, except of course for their nerd fanbase, a group whom they actively loathe.

The American version of the hit BBC series Being Human will be premiering next year. Usually when Americans try to adapt a British series for American television, the first thing they do is sit down and say something along the lines of, "We have to rip out any and everything that made this show so great and replace all that with lame jokes, cardboard characters and bland melodrama." Anyone who has seen recent attempts like Life On Mars or The Eleventh Hour knows what I'm talking about. Also, it's on the SighFigh Channel, a cable network incapable of doing anything worth watching that's not Battlestar Galactica. Still, I shall indulge myself with a small amount of optimism for this based solely on this early review from IO9. If it turns out to suck now, I shall place 100% of the blame on the same review. I know that's a lot of responsibility to put on some poor science fiction/pop culture website but they knew the risks.