Friday, February 19, 2010

20,000 Leagues Under The Stupidity

It's been over six months since I've done Movies I Haven't Seen. I'm not actually reviewing a movie, of course, but rather an incredibly stupid trailer. So, what trailer have I seen lately that so viscerally offended me that I revived something I haven't done since last July? Have Roland Emmerich or Michael Bay made a new movie? Has someone made a movie about an out of control cop forced to partner up with a chimp? No, nothing like that. Instead we have a new attempt to rip off Judd Apatow called She's Out Of My League. Because I'm such an awesome guy, I've conveniently embedded the trailer here.

Okie dokie then, what have we learned? First, we've learned that the lead character, TSA official Kirk Kettner (Jay Baruchel), has friends who are complete assholes. This fact is confirmed several times throughout the trailer. We also see that a hot girl is such a rare sight in an airport which deals with literally thousands of people every day that any and all business pretty much shuts down. We also see that one thing this girl, Molly (Alice Eve), has in common with Kirk is asshole friends when her friend takes offense after being gently reminded that you're not supposed to use a cell phone on an airplane. I'm not sure if we're supposed to be impressed by the friend's toughness and be on her side or not. Personally, I'm thoroughly opposed to violence against women but would gladly make an exception for some stupid bitch who thinks she has a God given right to use a cell phone on an airplane.

Anyway, Molly ends up asking Kirk out after he returns her lost iPhone and this is where it gets really unbelievable. It's not unbelievable for the reasons Hollywood thinks it is, of course. Movie producers find the idea of a girl who looks like Alice Eve winding up with a guy who looks like Jay Baruchel so preposterous that they based an entire movie around that supposedly ridiculous idea. In the real world, of course, pairings like this happen all the time. What makes this particular situation unbelievable isn't the disparity in their looks but rather the fact that Kirk is a passive/aggressive loser. He lacks not only stunning good looks but also money, wit and personality. Why is Molly dating a guy who looks like he's about to piss himself in fear when he talks to her? Because he's, "a nice guy." If you're a girl and you suddenly got wet when you heard that, this may be the movie for you. For everyone else, not so much.

I'm sure this movie has redeeming qualities though. For example, there's the scene where Kirk brings Molly to meet his buddies. Now, another reason I consider Kirk to be a loser is that he's met his buddies yet has no inkling that bringing his girlfriend to meet them might be a bad idea. I can't imagine it came as a shock to him when they ask Molly if she's a prostitute or when they encourage her to strip to her underwear. Okay, that's one scene. How about when Kirk and Molly are having dinner at her place? You remember that, right? That's where she rubs up against him a bit too vigorously during a makeout session on her couch and we discover that we must also add lack of sexual prowess to his numerous flaws when he comes in his pants and we all get Jay Baruchel's orgasm face burned forever into our memories. Then, finally, we are reminded that Kirk is the type of guy who never learns from his mistakes when he confides this to his friends and they mercilessly taunt him for it.

I hold out very little hope for this movie. Maybe it will be so loaded with funny jokes I'll forget the stupid plot and the stupid characters in it but I doubt it. It's not like it's going to be loaded with unexpected twists that no one could have predicted either. Let's see if the following happens: Kirk and Molly break up due to the fact that Molly wakes up to the fact that Kirk is a loser. Kirk then quits his airport security job and finally goes after some dream job that was referenced earlier in the movie. It could be anything. Maybe he'll go to med school or maybe he'll drive a Zamboni. All that matters is that he'll get to present the new Kirk to Molly and win her back. Hopefully he won't ejaculate when they kiss at the end but if he does, his friends will be sure to let us know.

No comments: