Crowderhead

Since Big Hollywood went online earlier this month, my Firefox Bookmark bar is routinely stuffed full of links to be used as possible subject matter for my weekly Big Hollywood post. "Whatever will it be this week?" I often ask myself as I stand on my tiptoes in anticipation like a little girl...um...and then drink some beer and watch sports and do other guy stuff. So what will it be today? Will it be Joseph Lindsey's assertion that Hollywood hates women, an assertion he proves by ignoring all the evidence that he's wrong? Maybe it'll be Andrew Klavan's pity party over the fact that The Dark Knight was snubbed for Best Picture. Actually, it was a tossup between those two until yesterday when this gem showed up in my RSS reader.

This was written by Steven Crowder. Oh yes, you heard right, I mean that Steven Crowder, the guy who, when you hear his name, you instantly think, "Who the hell is Steven Crowder? No, seriously. Is he that guy down the street who had all those pictures on his wall of girls on the toilet?" Possibly, but in this case, I mean some nobody who is supremely qualified to write for Big Hollywood because he claims that evil, intolerant liberals are blackballing him from comedy clubs just because they want the terrorists to win.

When it comes to the entertainment industry, there is an unspoken policy: No Conservatives Allowed.

Sure, I could explain in graphic detail the grandeur of my sexcapades (this is hypothetical of course, as my sex life is non-existent), or go off an an anti-Christian tirade to much applause. If I were a dame, I would surely make insightful remarks about my monthly cycle and the shortcomings of men in the boudoir, all to critical accolades. Begin uttering the words “Muslim terrorism sucks,” however, and you will literally begin to hear the sound of sphincters puckering throughout your general vicinity.

Oddly, despite the claim that liberals have marked him with their left wing spunk so that all the other liberal overlords who run show business know not to hire him, he claims to be making a living as a comedian and an actor. In fact, the only real evidence he offers that he has been tossed into Hollywood's Matmos are the remarks he gets in comments sections.

One needs only take a peek at my YouTube channel to see the incredible hate mail received regularly from anonymous keyboard warriors. For a clean comedian working in a supposedly “open-minded” environment it’s shocking to hear, I know.

I am of the opinion that complaining about what's said about you in comments sections is the last refuge of the incompetent. If the only proof you have to offer that the world is against you is that some guy called FootLongDude said "u suk kok" in a comments section then you have no proof and the fact that you think this is "shocking" causes me to conclude that the only things you've ever done on the internet are upload your own YouTube videos and do torrent downloads of Fireproof and An American Carol.

However, I'm going to help you out as I think I found the proof that club owners are, in fact, discriminating against you and it has nothing to do with your beliefs that the government should issue school choice vouchers. You really, really shouldn't have guided the world to your YouTube channel. Let's all now sit back and enjoy the inimitable comedy stylings of Mr. Steven Crowder.

O...kay. First off, damn you to hell forever for making me think about Dane Cook since he's who you instantly reminded me of, both by your physical resemblance and your failure to crack me up.

He starts by taking Will Farrell to task for daring to do a Broadway comedy show about George W. Bush. I'm not sure, but I think the funny part was supposed to be when he suddenly did an even tighter closeup up of his oval face and pimply chin and literally shriek, "Like we care!" Yeah, asshole, no one cares about this. That's why, in a shitty economy, with ticket prices starting at $120, his eight week run in the thousand seat Cort Theater is nearly sold out. I think we all wish no one cared about us like that.

He then declares that no one cares about what celebrities think yet they continue to shove their opinions sown our throats, after which he immediately tells us all what he thinks and shoves his opinions down our throats. He then follows this up by doing what is either his Robert De Niro imitation which was awful if that's what it was, or his imitation of a retard in the advanced stages of syphilis trying to do Robert De Niro which was brilliant if that's what it was. Seriously dude, cheesy De Niro imitations? In 2009? What, you couldn't quite pull off Jack Nicholson talking about how that old Nurse Rat-shit won't get off your back so you went with De Niro? He follows his attempt at De Niro by having the same syphilitic retard try to do George Bush.

After a quick jab at Kanye West, he spends the rest of the video, an excruciating 105 seconds, bitching about Brad Pitt. In this rant, he denigrates the body of someone who's made women swoon and straight men question their sexuality for around 2 decades now. Then he says Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shouldn't be considered Hollywood's Golden Couple since Pitt cheated on his wife. I would like to note here that Steven Crowder, the guy telling us we shouldn't lavish vacuous admiration on one of the best looking couples in show business because of their moral failings, expressed admiration for Rush Limbaugh in the first paragraph of his Big Hollywood article. That would be the same Rush Limbaugh who not only sucks down pills by the truckload but also has been divorced three times and was recently arrested for possessing illegal Viagra after returning from a Dominican Republic sex tour. To sum up, ignore the good looking people but base your life on the beliefs of the degenerate drug addict. Everybody got that? Let's move on.

He sums up his humor free video by telling Brad Pitt that an actor's job is to act, "...and Brad, STOP SUCKING AT IT!" Yeah, all right. Brad Pitt sucks at his job. Currently, Brad Pitt is starring in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, a movie that has made over 110 million dollars in the four weeks it's been out which, of course, is a sign of Brad Pitt's failings as an actor. Another sign is the Oscar nomination he received for that very same movie. I hope Brad Pitt isn't so busy having sex with his gorgeous girlfriend, raising their kids, winning awards and making movies with George Miller and Quentin Tarantino that he won't take the time to listen to a guy who's most notable IMDB credit is starring in a bit part on the show Greek.

Stevie, the reason some people won't hire you is because they've seen your act. Hey, don't worry too much about it. If there's room in the world for Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Lisa Lampanelli and Larry the Cable Guy, I'm sure you'll have no problem getting work as the middle act at the Chuckle Hut for many years to come and, if not, you'll always have the Big Hollywood gig to complain that it's all because of Barack Obama that nobody laughed when you asked what part of the chicken that the McNuggets come from.