Saturday, January 17, 2009

You Got A Bloody Right To Say

I've been staying out of the whole Watchmen argument for a reason. To recap, Warner Brothers teamed up with 300 director Zach Snyder to make a movie version of the classic Alan Moore graphic novel. Fans have been anxiously waiting the release of this film, especially since a cool teaser trailer was released along with Dark Knight last summer, and the movie looks to be on a smooth ride to becoming the first mega hit of 2009.

Well, there is just one teensy little problem. It turned out Fox had enough of a claim on the Watchmen film rights to at least make the whole situation into a murky issue. Warner Brothers showed the same film making expertise and good judgment they showed when they decided to make Nights In Rodanthe and went ahead, spent the money, shot the film and got it all ready for a March 6 release date knowing that Fox had a team of lawyers ready to beat anyone with a stick if they tried to show Watchmen on that day. When they heard that Fox would try to delay the release date, Warner Brothers executives took time to shove the hookers' faces out of their laps, chuckle, snort indignantly and then tell the hookers to go back to sucking each ball individually.

Funny story: the blowout case Warner thought it had could be described as, "Blowout? Not so much," and the case started moving toward a trial that could have delayed the opening. But good news, a settlement was reached and the movie will premiere on March 6 as scheduled. Warner Brothers will make a little less money off it, a small price to pay for being dumb.

This is the first I have commented on it. I can tell by the fact that no one has mentioned it to me that people have been silently wondering why I have not stepped in to publicly advise Fox and Warner Brothers as to what their next step would be, advice that would almost certainly have included the phrase, "Don't you dare delay this movie, dickheads." And that's the problem. I didn't want to be the one who made the whole situation worse by being a jerk. Message boards are clogged right now with comments from the people who think that addressing a comment to the parties involved and opening it with "Dear Brain Dead Assholes" and I didn't want to be one of them. In my mind's eye, I saw a scenario in which the CEO of Warner Brothers was told by one of his assistants, "Sir, there's some blogger talking about Watchmen who's asking why you won't just pull your head out of your ass and get this thing done. He's also said you were gay and has implied that he is currently having buttsex with your mother." The CEO would then have mumbled the word, "Mommy?" before vowing that the case would never be settled and the movie's release would be delayed for years, all for the sole purpose of spiting me.

But that's all done. So, congratulations, douchebags. You all managed to stop jerking around seeing who has the tiniest dick and actually managed to not be complete retards. Now that the sand has been removed from your collective vaginas, maybe we can finally see the damn movie.

Phew. I've been wanting to say that forever.

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