Thursday, January 8, 2009

Why Americans Have Stopped Screwing

In his blog today, John Rogers wrote an insightful post about Big Hollywood and then swore he would never write about it again because, "It's a crack pinata. It's a garden of crack pinatas," and boy, do I know what he means. I could probably write about nothing but this blog for the rest of my life even if they shut it down today. It's not that it's so stupid but, rather, that the stupid is the type of pure, unfiltered, undistilled stupid that you normally have to get from moonshiners or Mexico. One of the best liver-destroying and blindness-inducing examples of this was written by Andrew Klavan.

Klavan has written best selling books like True Crime and Empire of Lies. He'd seen a couple of his books turned into movies and, I'm assuming, cried himself to sleep when he saw how Hollywood had treated what he had busted his butt to write, as most novelists do. Writers like this either simply continue to take Hollywood's money for their books while they quietly go dead inside or they become screenwriters themselves. He went ahead and wrote a movie called One Missed Call. Now, how do I put this without hurting Klavan's feelings? One Missed Call was a stupid, disgusting, boring, absolutely godawful piece of shit. Believe me, this is the nicest thing I can say about it. This dumb little Ring ripoff looked almost as if the people involved had intended to make a bad movie. I cut Klavan some slack on this and, when he wrote about how he could have made it much better but the studio wouldn't let him, I found it a very believable story. Also, the movie did what every movie wants to do: it did better than expected. The expectations must have been that they have to give tickets away for free because its box office take was very low but it was enough for him to get more work and his prospects in Hollywood look very bright indeed.

Andrew Klavan is also a well known conservative fuckbag. For years now, he's posted to right wing websites and he's written for the Washington Post about how Hollywood hates America and conservatives are so oppressed that they look upon Holocaust victims with envy, thinking, "At least their suffering is over." In Andrew Klavan's case, the oppression of this particular well-known, outspoken conservative is all too apparent. Due to the fact that liberals are actively working to make sure that right wingers are never allowed into the vaunted world of movie making, Klavan has only been allowed to have three writing projects currently in production. According to his IMDB page, in the next two years, three movies will be released on which Andrew Klavan will have a writing credit. Most writers wish they were oppressed like that. This means the way to get a Hollywood deal is to write something like, "Everyone in LaLa Land is a God hating jagoff who would marry their own gerbils and make Osama bin Laden President," and then wait for MGM to call.

Naturally, this guy has brought his experience and unique insight to Big Hollywood and has somehow found the time between film projects to tell us that conservatives are not welcome in Hollywood.

At this point, you may be wondering why this post is titled, "Why Americans Have Stopped Screwing". Haven't you all noticed that this has been happening? People, especially teenagers, have just stopped having sex? According to Klavan, you can blame it all on the movie Twilight. After telling us once again that every big hit is in some way conservative, that Spider-Man is Jesus and Batman is George Bush, I read something I hadn't read before.
The pro-abstinence Twilight is currently at sixteen and still hot.
The "pro-abstinence Twilight"? Really? Twilight is pro-abstinence? I had no idea right wingers were trying to stake a claim on this but it shouldn't surprise me. But how exactly is Twilight pro-abstinence? Twilight is an example of a story as old as civilization, that being Lovers Kept Apart. It's true, Bella and Edward don't have sex but it's not because they think it's the right thing to do or that doing so before marriage would make the Baby Jesus cry. There's even one scene where Edward sneaks into her bedroom and Bella, wearing only a T-shirt and panties, invites him to her bed. They start to kiss and embrace and only break it off because Edward is a vampire and he comes close to losing control, ripping off her head and draining her body of every last drop of blood. Now, admittedly, if I were a teenage girl who was considering sleeping with my vampire boyfriend, Twilight may very well have dissuaded me from doing so. That, however, is a pretty narrow demographic. So, how's that strong "pro-abstinence" message working? At the premiere, Twilight star Robert Pattinson complained that the screaming female fans who had come to greet him had caused him to lose his hearing. What do you think they were screaming? I'm guessing it wasn't, "ROBERT, PLEASE DON'T FUCK US!" In fact, Twilight message boards and fan forums are peppered with posts like, "I would totally do Edward," and, "Kristen Stewart is so hot. Are there any naked pics of her?"

So, what have we learned? We have learned, again, that people see what they want to see. A successful screenwriter will complain that no one with his political beliefs can possibly become a successful screenwriter. The same guy will look at a movie that, if anything, caused girls to get so turned on that they went out and rocked their boyfriends' worlds and declare it to be the dawn of the Celibate Generation. Next up, we will learn that no one people named Klavan are so prejudiced against the name "Andrew" that they would never, ever give that name to their kids. And so on and so forth, unto the end of the world.


coffee said...

i don't understand what is the appeal of Robert Pattinson (Edward); he has an unusually shaped nose

Michael Clear said...

There's an ancient Sanskrit prophecy that goes something like this:

"Unto every generation a Jason Priestly shall be born, a creature oddly shaped yet beautiful to the eye who shall cause the women to scream and rend their garments and cause them to act not unlike the beasts of the field. All of this has happened before, all of this shall happen again."