Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Hollycaust

Ah Big Hollywood, you sexy bitch, you've drawn me in again. After I wrote yesterday's post, I promised myself I would limit myself to one article a week about Big Hollywood, the brand new conservative site whose creators have vowed to bring down the Big Gay Liberal Elite All Powerful Democrat Media Thing Who Runs Hollywood that is secretly run by George Soros, Al Franken and whoever the hell it is that owns Air America. Their chosen method of doing this is to say that Wall-E is making our children think that pollution is a bad thing and that the guy under Batman's cowl is George W. Bush. Unfortunately, I have found myself unable to keep that vow, at least for today. I have the same problem with my vow to only eat two Mallomars a day, a vow that, on weekends, sometimes turns into two boxes of Mallomars a day.

Today, instead of gorging myself on one article, I think I'll just nibble off the sample platter and do some quick hits on a few articles.

First off, we have Christian Toto, a fellow who is clearly writing under his Drag Queen pseudonym. Dame Toto is a tad miffed that Jack Bauer, a guy who is one of the underpinnings of neocon foreign policy, may be somewhat less of a right wing sociopath on this season of 24. In right wing blogger world, the greatest sin you can commit is to think that it's a bad thing to capture a suspected terrorist and pour hot lead down his anus which means that Jack Bauer is an apostate of the conservative movement who will now be spoken of in the same breath as Al Franken. Hopefully, this will stop every conservative on the planet up to and including Supreme Court Justices and the Vice President of the United States from talking about Jack Bauer as if he was a real guy.

Up next, we have Ben Shapiro, a 24 year old war supporter who has chosen not to actually enlist in the military. Instead, this young man of prime fighting age is making an even greater sacrifice, that being to sit comfortably in his air conditioned office and blog endlessly about how liberals are afraid to fight. Today, the guy who looks like Harry Potter's less masculine brother tells us all how the Israelis are a bunch of pussies. They are pussies because they love a new movie called Waltz With Bashir, an animated docu-drama about how the Israeli Army failed to prevent a massacre of a Palestinian camp in 1982. Ben Shapiro assumes that Israeli love of this movie has nothing to do with its quality (it currently has a 95% positive rating at RottenTomatoes.com) and, instead, views the movie's popularity through his Norman Podhoretz X-Ray specs and sees a cowardly Israeli populace eager to surrender to the Great Brown Menace. And why do Israelis want peace with the Palestinians? You may be thinking it has something to do with being sick of spending their entire lives worried that the cantaloupe they just bought at the fruit stand might have an IED in it but you'd be wrong. According to Benji, Israelis have lost the will to fight because of their movies.
Film has an impact. It’s no wonder that so many Israelis are disillusioned with their state. It’s no wonder that they’re apologetic for defending themselves. It’s no wonder they keep trying to make amends for wrongs they haven’t committed. It’s no wonder they love Waltz with Bashir.
It's always fiction with these guys. A large segment of the world's population bases its view of life on real things that actually happen to them. Then you have people like your average right wing blogger who think that 24 and Red Dawn are real and adjust their worldview accordingly. They all want to be the Spartan King Leonidas and when I say that I mean Leonidas from the movie 300. The actual Leonidas was a gay baby killer, a fact that no right winger will ever acknowledge.

By the way, read this guy's Wikipedia entry sometime. At first, I read it as the story of a guy who's never gotten laid. However, after having spent the past few years seeing the common proclivities of sexually repressed Republicans who obsess over pornography and cultural values, I now conclude that we will someday read how Ben Shapiro was caught in a cheap motel room with some tranny hooker and that he was only able to get off after the hooker farted in his face for several minutes. Honestly, I wish I could place a large wager on whether or not this would happen.

Speaking of Leonidas, let me introduce you all to John Nolte. Regular readers of this site will recognize John John as none other than Dirty Harry, formerly of Libertas and his own site, Dirty Harry's place. The way John always wrote and talked about himself, you'd have thought he was the toughest of all tough guys. I was expecting him to be a combination of Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, and Leonidas (from the movie), his favorite guy ever. Instead, it turns out he doesn't exactly live up to his butch image.

I had stopped reading Dirty Harry a few months ago because he stopped concentrating on movies and instead just became another right wing, anti-Obama blogger. Harry was like Russel Crowe's character in A Beautiful Mind, a guy who combined his mathematical genius with his emerging schizophrenia to find patterns in daily newspapers that he interpreted as secret message from Russian spies. Harry was always able to find political meaning in the most apolitical of films and it was often a hoot to read about how Cloverfield was PC because the giant fish monster that attacked New York City wasn't Muslim. As I said, though, his site became a combination bitch fest about Obama and a shrine to Sarah Palin in which we were treated to countless posts about whatever right wing rumor happened to be floating around Right Blogistan at the time. If someone, somewhere, said something like, "Michelle Obama admitted on tape that she has sex with dogs," you'd see it on Dirty Harry's place. Hopefully, his position at Big Hollywood will bring him back to his roots.

In his last post at his own site, he wrote this:
Can’t say as I’m gonna miss the place. Oh, I’ll always remember my time here fondly, but it was becoming a bit of a rut. You may not know this, but one of the negative side-effects of being immature is that you bore easily. Truth be told, this was beginning to feel like my old job as a bill collector. After all, you can only say so many things so many times before it all sounds the same only with different names inserted.

I’m definitely ready for new challenges.
Well, that's good. I know I was sick and tired of one of his regular features, that being the TCM Pick O' The Day. Every day, he'd post about some movie that was on that day on Turner Classic Movies, a feature highly useful to people who had no access to TV Guide, the TV Guide Channel or TVGuide.com. I can't wait to see the exciting new content that Harry has in store for us.


Yessir Harry, you've truly evolved as a writer. Stay gold, man.

1 comment:

Michael Clear said...

I honestly didn't intend to write about Big Hollywood again this week and now it looks like this will become Big Hollywood Week. Tomorrow will either be about Andrew Klavan's description of "Twilight" as a pro-abstinence movie or Jonah Goldberg's ruminations on "Watchmen", an article that will be unearthed a century from now and be assumed to have been written by a 7 year old.