Friday, January 15, 2010

How Avatar Is Polluting Our Precious Bodily Fluids

Attacking Avatar has become something of a cottage industry. A while back (yesterday), I complained about it. Since then, I have become convinced that their accusations have some merit. I now think Avatar is the most evil thing in the history of anything ever. I believe this must have been James Cameron's intention when he first started developing the movie years ago. In fact, I bet the reason he got into show business almost three decades ago was so he could someday destroy our way of life with this movie. Here are the ways in which Avatar is a thing of evil that is trying to kill us all.
  • RACISM -- It's hard to tell if Avatar was written by James Cameron or the Ku Klux Klan. I'm sure it's now their favorite movie of all time. Avatar's message is that a primitive people who still use wooden spears can't defeat a technologically advanced race capable of dropping bombs that can destroy their entire city in minutes. So...primitive, non-white people can't throw a spear hard enough to penetrate a metal gunship or build a structure powerful enough to stay up after 1000 pounds of TNT are dropped on it? Nice work, Grand Dragon Cameron. But wait, it gets better. It turns out that the only one who can help these people is...A WHITE MAN. Sure, he's in one of their bodies and he's probably the only guy in existence on the side of the Na'vi who has intimate knowledge of the human army's capabilities, what its weaknesses are and how those weaknesses could be exploited by the residents of Pandora so, um...WHITE MAN. Very nice, Cameron. Can't wait to see your big screen 3-D adaptation of Mein Kampf.
  • DEPRESSION -- It was reported this week that people were becoming depressed after seeing Avatar. Supposedly Pandora is such a cool place that they want to live there but can't since the technology that would allow people to do that is at least five years away. James Cameron is clearly trying to get us all so depressed that we kill ourselves leaving him the last man on earth. This would be the fulfillment of his lifelong dream to truly be King of the World.
  • THE ECONOMY -- In the three weeks since its release, Avatar has made over a billion dollars making it the second highest grossing movie of all time. This means it is sucking money out of the world's economy during the midst of the greatest economic collapse since the Depression. James Cameron simply has no soul. Why didn't he wait to release this movie until next month when the economy will surely be up and running again? Or rather, it would have been up and running had we not all just given our money to James Cameron. He truly has no soul. He's probably happy when parents say to their kids, "Sorry sweetheart, you can't have your H1N1 vaccine. Daddy spent that money so he could see Jake Sully cram his magic ponytail into a flying dragon for the fifth time."
  • ANTI-AMERICANISM -- Avatar is the most un-American movie since Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs preached to kids that America was so evil it deserved to have giant food dropped on it from the sky. Avatar is set on an alien world. Why not set it in America? Also, the human soldiers are the movie's villains. They are not American soldiers. They are a paramilitary force in the employment of the corporation that mines the planet. America is never even mentioned. Thus, you can see why Avatar is un-American.
  • NERDS -- Avatar has created a new generation of nerds. They see the movie then head straight to the nearest bookstore trying to find Avatar related graphic novels they can read while eating their Avatar Happy Meals. Some were nerds already but many were perfectly normal jocks who will become sedentary basement dwellers who will be dumped by their hot girlfriends. Who will be there to hook up with those hot girlfriends after their former boyfriends start spending all their time on the internet having heated discussions about Pandoran evolution? James Freaking Cameron, that's who. He has all the money and now, he has all the women.
All of this is a body blow to the planet's psyche yet it's just a portion of what that movie has done. I didn't get into the dangers of Avatar based religion or how Avatar makes ice cream taste funny but I think I proved my point. Ask yourself this: if Avatar has done this much damage, can we as a species survive Avatar 2? Write your representatives in Congress today and tell them to repeal the First Amendment so we can prevent that from ever happening.

1 comment:

Dan Coyle said...

There was a conservative film critic- Kyle Smith of the NY Post- who argued that Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was an lefty environmentalist screed, and about "the evils of consumption". He whined "why didn't they sell the giant food at the end?"

Forgetting that over the credits it's revealed that a) they used the food to rebuild the town and b) the scientist, after all that, developed something ELSE that was useful, and it became successful without dropping giant food on anyone. So Smith's precious, precious capitalism was saved after all.