Friday, June 18, 2010


Try as I might, I just can't decide which movie to see this weekend. My choices among new major releases are Jonah Hex and Toy Story 3. Let's compare the two.
  • As of this writing, Toy Story 3 enjoys a 100% critics rating on Jonah Hex has, um, let's see, 0%. Huh. That's quite a contrast. 100% is good, I guess, and I suppose 0% is bad but I don't do something just because the Man tells me to. After all, critics also hated New Moon, Sex and the City 2 and the Ashton Kutcher-Katherine Heigl comedy Killers and look how awesome those movies turned out. Critics have also used phrases like "Masterpiece" and "Perfection" to describe Toy Story 3 while using words like "AAAAHHHH" and "Dear sweet merciful God, what have we, your humble servants, done to offend thee so that you have blighted our existences with this movie?" to describe Jonah Hex. I don't know. Surely a large corporation like a movie studio wouldn't have wasted millions of dollars of its company's money on a truly horrible film, right?
  • Toy Story 3 is 92 minutes whereas Jonah Hex is only 81 minutes. This could mean that the quality of Jonah Hex was so pure that the producers felt the audience couldn't handle more than 81 minutes of it. It's sort of like what happens when the drugs you inject are too pure. Another point for Jonah Hex.
  • Toy Story 3 is the culmination of a beloved and successful series of films and was made by a company that's always named not only as the finest makers of animated films but as some of the best filmmakers period. Jonah Hex is based on what I always felt was a mediocre comic book and is being released by Warner Brothers, the same studio that made Cirque du Freak, 2012 and Bride Wars. I could name several examples in which a movie surpassed its source material such as Jaws and, well, Jaws. As for the studios, Pixar is due for a complete bomb whereas Warner Brothers is bound to see it's unlucky streak end. If not this, it will probably be the live action Yogi Bear movie coming out this Christmas or Cats and Dogs: the Revenge of Kitty Galore.
  • Jonah Hex has Megan Fox as a provocatively dressed prostitute. If the film is as unsuccessful as its projections say it will be, the theater will be mostly empty and I'll have plenty of places to jack off in peace. It's starting to look more and more like Jonah Hex.
  • Godawfully bad movies are a chore to watch but a blast to tear apart in reviews. Outstanding movies, on the other hand, can be so boring to write. I actually have to be respectful and insightful as opposed to exacting sweet revenge on a piece of sheer stupidity like I can with a bad movie. I just have to determine now which one is most likely to be a bad movie.
  • Toy Story 3 is in 3D. I seriously dislike 3D. It's like a piece of gristle in a fine piece of steak except that in 3D, the gristle jumps out of the steak and into your face for shock value. I haven't heard any complaints about the use of 3D in Toy Story 3 but that could mean I've suffered a head injury recently and forgot about them. Maybe it's better not to take the chance.
So, I'm kind of leaning toward Jonah Hex if only to tell my grandkids about it. I'll have to tell them about it cause there's no way in hell they will want to watch it. I just hope they aren't putting in the DVD of Toy Story 3 when I'm trying to tell them about Jonah Hex.

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