Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Arthur

Some movies are classics and many think those classics should never be touched but that view does nothing but restrict creativity and hold back truly great filmmakers from producing new work even if that work isn't exactly their own. We are all fortunate today that there are still filmmakers with enough vision to know that it's just fine to reuse someone else's vision. Thus, we now have a new version of Arthur.

So, is Arthur any good? Terms like "good" and "bad" may have been relevant in 1981 when Dudley Moore first created the character but this is 2011 so it no longer has to be Be Good. It just has to Be. And man oh man, does it ever Be. It Be's the hell out of itself. There is so much Be in this movie that it would have violated the International Be Limit if such a thing existed and could be in any way accurately measured. If none of this makes sense, don't worry. Neither does Arthur. But again, that's OK. It can still Be.

The incredibly rich Arthur Bach is played this time around by Russell Brand. Brand is the kind of actor whose vibe just screams, "Sure, I'll do this role as long as the check clears." However, that sort of attitude is exactly what this movie needed. If an actor had done this for passion alone, it would have highlighted all the movie's flaws and rendered it unwatchable but, because Brand doesn't care, neither do we. We can just go in and not really watch Arthur but just sort of absorb it. We won't care that it's not funny or entertaining. Instead, we'll remember it like a dream. The details will be fuzzy but we are reasonably sure we had a good time though we can't say why. That is what it's like to see the new Arthur and I, personally, am much better off for it. Again, if none of this makes sense, don't worry. Just Be along with the movie.

Arthur can reverse what so far has been a disappointing year at the box office if we all collectively decide not to demand anything from it. If we do that, we can go see it three or four times and reverse Hollywood's 2011 misfortunes. We can all even decide to just tell each other how much we loved it and then we'll get a sequel that we'll say we loved even more. This can bring our country together in a way that religion, community and music festivals have so far been unable to achieve. We will be bound together forever by our vision of Arthur, a vision first created in 1981 about a good movie and finally realized in 2011 by this "good" movie. When you go see Arthur, remember all of this. Laugh now and then if for no other reason than to help your fellow man and, if things get too tough, just start quietly humming the old Beatles hit Let It Be. Or just load up on Raisinets and pass out. Either way will work.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Red Riding Hood

Sometimes a movie comes along that shakes you to your core and necessitates underwear changes. Sometimes a movie challenges your perceptions and notions of the world. Sometimes your entire worldview is challenged by a single movie and you know that, now, everything will be different. Today's release of Red Riding Hood is all that and more. It is also an ancient story told through the filter of a post modern paradigm shift and no, I have no idea what that means but you know what? That doesn't make it any less true.

You knew ahead of time that Red Riding Hood would be something special. Why? It's directed by Catherine Hardwicke, the woman who directed Twilight. Now, Twilight was a horrible film. I mean absolutely godawful. It's the kind of movie H.P. Lovecraft would have described as, "Having risen from the deepest and foulest of the Stygian depths, it's very existence blasphemous and its very nature insane." The fact that Red Riding Hood and Twilight were directed by the same person can mean only one thing. Catherine Hardwicke is due for a win. She learned everything there was to learn about making a horrible movie from Twilight and has now learned from her mistakes so that she can now make a movie that is not only not bad but also kicks bad in the balls and takes its lunch money. Red Riding Hood is Catherine Hardwicke's redemption, her transformation and her apology to the world.

I really don't see how you could possibly go wrong in taking the centuries old folk tale of a little girl who encounters a wolf in the forest and turning it into the story of a sexy young woman who has hot sex with some equally pretty boy in the forest. When I heard this, I thought of only one thing. They must add a werewolf. A werewolf is the one thing that could possibly save and elevate this story into the heights of film making greatness. If this new version of Red Riding Hood doesn't contain a werewolf, they may as well just film Catherine Hardwicke taking a crap and show that in theaters because it will basically be the same thing. Luckily, the makers of this movie somehow heard me because the main focus of the movie is werewolves, hot girls getting attacked by werewolves and hot girls possibly getting it on with werewolves. This is as if the Holy Trinity was tossed into the Perfect Storm and then the whole thing got deep fried into some sort of Mega Burrito of Awesomeness which assumes you into Heaven when you eat it. The best part of that is that, once you're in Heaven, you can spend all of eternity watching Red Riding Hood over and over.

You will either love Red Riding Hood or hate it bu, if you hate it, it means that you hate love, freedom, wolves, color, and your mom because I guarantee that your mom will love it. It's entirely possible that you're not even human but are a soulless lump of putrid goo given life when lighting struck you in the toxic waste site you were dumped in. If so, you should just go back there as there is no room for you in the modern Renaissance that is about to be ushered in by Red Riding Hood.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The Roommate

Today, I realized what was wrong with the world and what the source of all our problems is. I learned how to halt the seemingly unstoppable downward spiral that will eventually doom humanity. When you realize the answer, it's so simple that you fail to understand how you could have missed it. So where did I find this answer? Maybe it was some lost book of the Bible I found in my backyard or maybe I met a wise man on a mountaintop who has devoted his entire life to this answer but no, it's neither of those. I found it in a movie. That's right. The key to happiness and salvation was found in some little film that everyone expects will suck. I doubt the studio releasing it knows what they have which is why they didn't make it available for critic screenings. They probably think it's just some dumb thriller with young television stars aimed at pulling in the high school/college crowd. Little do they know how The Roommate will change everything.

Yes, that's right, The Roommate is what will pull our unworthy asses out of the fire. I know what you're thinking. "Mike, isn't that the movie that rips off Single White Female? How could that possibly be any good?" That shows how shortsighted you are. The Roommate will save us all because it rips off Single White Female. We spend so much time trying to figure out the problems that plague the majority of our lives. How will we pay our bills or put our kids through college? Does that girl or guy I like even know I'm alive? Am I living in the Matrix? Is that squirrel staring at me because it's attracted to me and, if so, how do I get it to stop? These are the questions that haunt us late at night when we're trying to pleasure ourselves but we can't, damn it, because you just know that squirrel is out there lusting after you.

Well guess what folks! We now have The Roommate. There isn't a damn thing to figure out there. We already know what's going to happen. Some socially awkward, slightly unbalanced girl becomes roommates with another girl, becomes obsessed with her, moves into more and more areas of her life before a climactic fight scene where the stalker ends up dead. See? I haven't even seen it and I already know what happens, a fact that won't stop me from watching it again and again. What the hell am I supposed to watch? Inception? Why the hell was that top spinning? Was his wife really dead? How many frigging dreams were there anyway? AAAHHHHH!!!! That won't happen when you see The Roommate. You buy that ticket and sit down with your popcorn and put your mind totally at ease. Take a nap if you want. Talk on the phone even. No one will complain. What's going to happen? Are your fellow audience members going to miss some key plot point or essential line of dialogue? Is some thrilling action scene going to occur full of unexpected twists and surprises? Of course not. I already told you what's going to happen. Everyone who watches The Roommate will know exactly what's going to happen. That's what's so great about it.

Our society is in chaos. The Roommate is a model of order. No one knows what's going to happen tomorrow but we all know exactly what's going to happen in The Roommate. Life is a series of ups and downs but The Roommate is a masterpiece of consistency. It is The Roommate that shows us the way forward. We can all follow its example and eliminate unpredictability from the world. Life will be boring but at least it won't end. We will know exactly what we're going to do when we wake up and exactly what our dreams will be when we go to sleep. Is this some impossible dream? Ask the guy who had the idea to rip off Single White Female. Everyone laughed at him and said it couldn't be done and yet, here we are.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Season of the Witch

Nicolas Cage has had so many great roles that it's hard to pick a favorite. One wonders how he could top modern classics like Con Air, Bangkok Dangerous and The Sorcerer's Apprentice. If you are one of the people who thinks that, wonder no more. As we look back on the years of our lives, we will think back to the dawn of 2011 as a truly grand time to be alive because that is when we saw the greatest role of Nicolas Cage's long and storied career. January, 2011 is when we saw him in Season of the Witch.

I didn't know what to expect when I stepped into the theater but I know what to expect now. I expect to headlines telling me about Season of the Witch's record setting box office. I expect to hear people talk about the ways this movie changed their lives and made them want to be as good a person as Season of the Witch is a movie. And, most of all, I expect to see Nicolas Cage come Oscar time on Stage accepting his Academy Award for Best Actor. Yes, I know that the January premiere date disqualifies it from consideration this year but an exception must be made in this case. If Nicolas Cage is forced to wait until 2012 for what is justly his, that would be a crime that was literally worse than the Holocaust.

Cage plays a Knight of the Crusades named Behmen. I fully expect that name to become the most popular new baby name for both boys and girls this year and to retain the #1 spot for at least the next decade. I personally am planning to change my name to Behmen but I will continue to have people call me Michael so as not to be confused with the large numbers who will almost certainly be planning the same thing. Nicolas Cage takes the biggest chance of his career on the bold acting choice of playing the character as a clinically depressed mumbler and I'll be damned if it doesn't pay off. He fits in perfectly in the world of the film, a dark world in which everything looks as if it were smeared with manure. You would think this would turn off an audience and make them feel so horrible that death that they would pray for carnivorous worms to rise from the floor of the theater and swallow them up so they wouldn't have to watch the end. Fortunately, Cage and director Dominic Sena, the guy who directed Cage in his last truly great movie Gone In Sixty Seconds, knew better. They knew that, instead of depressing you, this movie would have the opposite effect and draw the depression from you. When you watch this, you can feel Nic Cage lifting all your worries and burdens from you and taking them on himself as if you were the sky and he were Atlas. When it's over, you're so relieved that you don't dwell on things like a lack of entertainment or anything resembling logic in the plot.

Season of the Witch is the kind of movie you see more than once for the sheer joy of watching an artist like Nicolas Cage at work and for generations to come, an acting school's curriculum will consist of one thing. They will show Season of the Witch, point at Nicolas Cage and say, "See what he's doing? Do that!" And if we accomplish nothing else in our lives, we will be able to say that we were there when it all began.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- TRON: Legacy & How Do You Know

Life is not a series of unconnected episodes. It is something greater than the sum of its parts. One incident cannot be viewed on its own but rather should be viewed in the context of all that has taken place before it. Everything affects everything else and that's why I can wholeheartedly recommend both TRON: Legacy and How Do You Know. Individually, they are huge pieces of stupid, formulaic crap that causes your soul to die shortly after viewing them. Viewed back to back, however, they are a magical combination of two imperfect things that come together to form something that is wonderfully and dazzlingly beyond description.

If TRON: Legacy and How Do You Know could truly combine and if that combination could transform itself into an animal, it would be a unicorn whose horn created unlimited chocolate and when it farted, perfection would come out instead of gas. I'm not sure if the release of these two movies was done intentionally with full knowledge that they are two halves of a whole or if it was a grand cosmic accident not unlike the first time it occurred to someone to create fire or to spin sugar into cotton candy. Either way, I consider that to be proof of the existence of God as the endless corporate analyses, focus groups and marketing strategies that all came together and formed the decision to release these two gems on the same day could not have been a coincidence but rather the culmination of a plan that began at the Big Bang and ends today in movie theaters across the world.

TRON: Legacy is, on its face, some dumb flick that was needlessly made to cash in on a well known brand name and, as a movie, exists only as a showcase for CGI effects at the expense of anything resembling intelligent storytelling or interesting characters. How Do You Know, on the other hand, is an excuse for stars to get big checks while telling lame jokes and acting out a romantic comedy plot that has been done a million times before. It is only when the two are seen back to back that the truth emerges. TRON is the head of this beast while How Do You Know is the heart. Both of these movies together transcend such simplistic concepts as "fun" or "entertaining" to become something else. Something different. Something that tells all of humanity that they've crossed a line and can never go back. We must now go forward into a new age and fulfill a grand and magnificent destiny, a destiny both in playing games in cyberspace before going home to the apartment we share with Owen Wilson while Paul Rudd romances us.

And so, here we are. An old era ends and a new one begins. Future generations will look back on this day, the day that two little movies brought us one step further away from global chaos and one step closer to a global family. And hey, TRON is in 3D so that ought to be cool too.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Skyline

Often times, movies aren't made available to critics before they are released. The latest entry into this category is the new science fiction adventure Skyline. In almost every case, critics are not allowed to see a movie in advance because the producers think the movie is horrible and they don't want the word getting out before it's released. Note that I said "almost every case". Yes, there are those awful films, and then there's Skyline.

I think Skyline's makers refused to arrange critics' screenings not out of fear that it would be savaged by them but out of love. Yes, damn it, love. Not just for the critics but for all humanity. You see, I managed to be one of the very few people to see it before today and I can tell you that it was not denied critics' screenings because it was bad. It wasn't shown to critics because there is a very real danger that Skyline will become a new baseline for cinematic excellence and literally make all other films horrid and unwatchable by comparison. I already feel my vomit rise when I think of ever again having to view movies like Citizen Kane or 2001 or Pulp Fiction. I was looking forward to the Coen brothers remake of True Grit but now I won't be able to stomach it unless it's a CGI loaded story of aliens invading Los Angeles.

Co-directors Colin and Greg Strause are clearly being guided by truly great filmmakers like Roland Emmerich and Michael Bay but, instead of simply emulating those giants, they stand on their shoulders and surpass them to create something that neither Bay nor Emmerich could create even if you smushed them together into one incredible director called Bayerich, a name that could also be used by gossip media if they ever became lovers. The Strause brothers didn't simply create the ADD-inducing feast for the eyes for which those other two are so well known. It's difficult to put into words what they did differently. How can I put this? Imagine the best food you ever ate, the most wonderful sunset you ever saw, the most intense orgasm you ever had. Now mix them all together with a bit of your mother's love and a piece of the Berlin Wall, slap all that onto celluloid and that's what it's like to watch Skyline.

Some say the plot about hostile aliens invading and enslaving the human race is trite and derivative but Skyline renders terms like "plot" and "logic" and "intelligent storytelling" obsolete. Instead, what happens on screen isn't something you watch for entertainment. You watch it so it can touch you in places you didn't know you had. Did I know there was a spot near my liver that tingled? I do now. I never truly felt like a human being before I watched Skyline but now I feel like I have surpassed humanity. This must be what it's like when a priest becomes the Pope or when a virgin becomes a prostitute.

If someone tries to steer you away from Skyline, as the haters and cynics out there will do, say to those people, "Hey, do I come to where you work and knock the dicks out of your mouth?" This will make them so confused that you'll be able to slip by them easily and enter the multiplex to see the movie. Ha, did you see what I did? I said "see" the movie when seeing it is just a small part of what you will experience as you begin humanity's journey in the next phase of its evolution.

Oh, it has cool spaceships too.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Jackass 3D

In the past ten years, one word has dominated the world of entertainment. When you hear that word, so many thoughts enter your mind at once. You think of this amazing thing called life and about the sense of wonder that only children truly feel. Most people can't remember what their world was like before this came into their lives and most would not want to. The word, of course, is Jackass.

When it was announced that the internationally recognized MTV television classic would be made into a major motion picture, fans were evenly divided as to whether this was a good idea. How could the simplicity of showing crude guys doing dangerous stunts possibly survive the scrutiny that comes with being on the big screen? Many begged the producers not to do it while others put their faith in Johnny Knoxville, a man who had never let them down before, and the rest of his crew. I don't need to tell you their faith was rewarded in the form of Jackass: The Movie. Critics hailed this is one of the perfect moments in cinema and fans thought of it as the defining moment in their lives and both groups came to a consensus: they should never dare to make another movie.

And then they did. Jackass Number Two generated a level of excitement unseen since the end of World War II. Kings and Presidents attended its gala 2006 Hollywood premier and their reviews were unanimously positive. "Fucking awesome," said Great Britain's Queen Elizabeth. "I got so excited watching it that I came in my pants," said then-President George W. Bush. The leaders of both Israel and the Palestinian Authority expressed such mutual admiration for the film that they very nearly forged a new peace treaty that very night. Again, all were in agreement. The Jackass gang was fortunate enough to have captured lightning in a bottle twice. There should not be a third attempt. "Another sequel? What, are you shitting me?" said renowned physicist Stephen Hawking when asked about the prospects of a third Jackass movie. "Sure, I'd love to see those lovable fucks pull that off. I just can't see them doing it and I'm the world's smartest man."

I am here today to tell you that the world's smartest man was wrong. Jackass 3D is like nothing you've ever seen. Imagine if you saw a dragon playing poker, a unicorn writing War and Peace and a supernova exploding out of Scarlett Johansson's privates at the exact same moment. Multiply that experience by ten and you just might begin to approach the intensity of Jackass 3D.

This is, of course, the first Jackass movie filmed in 3D. For the first time, you feel like you are in the room when Johnny Knoxville gets punched in the balls with a clown hammer or when Bam Margera staples his own buttcheeks together. The whole Jackass experience has been elevated from simple, silly entertainment to a visceral experience unlike any that was even technologically possible before. 3D has never been truly and effectively used until now and it was, of course, the guys from Jackass who managed to pull that off.

When you go see Jackass 3D, and you will, it will be your duty to remember every moment not just of the film but how you felt before you saw it and how your life was changed for the better afterward. You will want to live forever not out of any fear of death or lust for life but so you can tell future generations of the wonder and the majesty and the sheer Jackassitude (a word that will certainly go into wide use after this movie comes out) of what you witnessed on Friday, October 15, 2010, the day we stopped being the Global Village and became the Global Family.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The Switch

I would have done this review last week but I thought it was unnecessary. When I saw The Switch, I thought, "Surely this will surpass Avatar at the box office so why waste my time reviewing it?" so I must accept at least part of the blame for it's poor ninth place opening this week. I will now try to rectify that by urging you all to see what some call an unimaginably amazing film and others call a life changing experience.

The Switch is about a woman named Kassie played by Jennifer Aniston. Her presence in the film just deepens the shock I felt when I saw its poor box office showing as Jennifer Aniston's name is synonymous with box office gold. Anyway, Kassie is close to leaving her childbearing years and still has not met Mr. Right so she decides to have a baby using donated sperm. Little does she know that her best friend Wally (Jason Bateman) got drunk, accidentally destroyed the sperm so he did what any one of us would have done, including the women. He replaced it with his own sperm.

At this point, you're probably thinking, "That's kind of gross. Isn't this supposed to be a romantic comedy?" You're right. It's being promoted as a romantic comedy even though it doesn't contain a single laugh. Not one. And that's the beauty of The Switch. The Switch takes the antiquated concept that "romantic comedy" automatically equals "funny" and slaps that concept in the face. Instead of giving us lovable, charismatic characters who make us laugh as we come to care about them, The Switch gives us truly loathsome human beings who serve as an excellent argument for death camps doing things so horrible that they make us cringe and cause us to think that they are actually demons from the lowest circle of Hell who've taken human form to corrupt our species.

Do you see now where the laughs come in? Perhaps not. I've come to suspect that it takes a sophisticated mind to appreciate the subtle humor of The Switch and too many minds have been dumbed down these days by your YouTubes and your Facebooks and your sexting and your Gagas and your fluoridated water and whatever the hell fluffernutter is made of. Our society simply can't grasp the idea that a movie about a man who does something so repulsive to a woman he supposedly loves can also be warm, uplifting and life affirming. The Switch makes you feel like you are listening to the song of the human spirit while simultaneously making you want to puke. The box office problems The Switch has been having are almost certainly due to the fact that most people want to laugh but are unwilling to accept the puking as the price they must pay.

Hopefully, you are not one of those backward thinking people but, if you are, go see The Switch anyway and do not resist as it drags you not only into the 21st century but into a new state of consciousness and world view. If you don't, you'll always be sorry.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Step Up 3D

I want you all to know how lucky you are. You are all about to experience a rare privilege. I promise you that you will tell your children and that they will tell their children about this remarkable moment in history for this is the day that the world at large will be able to experience the wonder that is Step Up 3D.

I think I can safely predict that Step Up 3D will stand not only as a movie that speaks for an entire generation but as one that speaks for generations far beyond this one. I truly believe that people will look back decades and still flock to theaters to see it and, if theaters have ceased to exist, they will be rebuilt for the sole purpose of showing Step Up 3D.

What allowed this latest chapter set in the legendary Step-Up-iverse to shine is that this one is shot in 3D, a format universally recognized as something that always makes movies better. It's not at all dark, distracting, needless or headache inducing. Now, instead of seeing dancers on screen we SEE the DANCERS on SCREEN!!! I never truly knew what pop and locking was before I saw it in 3D. When I saw a young man doing it in the street outside the theater after the show, I lamented that I was seeing it in real life and not truly seeing it in 3D.

The story is as original as it is old. A group of dancers have set up a dancing halfway house in an old warehouse under the leadership of dancer/filmmaker Luke. Sadly. the owner of the building actually expects to be paid for its use and everyone who lives there is too busy challenging each other to dance battles to go out and earn some money so they did what you and I would do. That's right, instead of getting jobs, they enter a huge dance contest with the help of a girl named Natalie who's qualified to help them because Luke wants to have sex with her.

As you can see, the themes in that story know neither the boundaries of time nor culture. It can enjoyed by all the peoples of the world. I can envision Israelis and Palestinians sharing tubs of popcorn and perhaps even dance along with Luke and Natalie and everyone else on the screen and realize that they're not so different after all.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Elitist critics like to look down their noses at what are unarguably the greatest movies of our time. Films like Grown Ups and The Last Airbender, both of which are unqualified modern classics, were both looked down upon by the same people who, after so many years, fail to see the genius of masterpieces like D.C. Cab and Saving Silverman. Today, we see the release of another brilliant piece of filmmaking that, predictably, is getting poor reviews and that's too bad because, twenty years from now when The Sorcerer's Apprentice is ranked alongside Citizen Kane and The Godfather as one of the greats of the screen, they who trash it now will look like fools.

The movie finally fulfills one of my long sought after dreams of teaming Nicolas Cage with a man who is rightly called the greatest actor of his generation, Jay Baruchel. Cage plays an ancient sorcerer named Balthazar who, for centuries, has battled his nemesis, Horvath. I usually make fun of people who take simplistic popcorn films and try to attach hidden meanings to them but, as I watched this movie, it became obvious to me that Horvath represents BP and his attempts to unleash monsters upon the Earth represents the oil spill. Cage's Balthazar is obviously meant to represent Barack Obama and Baruchel (whose character has the equally evocative name of "Dave") is all of the ordinary men and women trying desperately to clean up the Gulf. I simply can't remember a movie that had to courage and fortitude to inject such searing and topical social commentary into a big studio financed summer film.

If social messages in movies aren't your thing, however, you can enjoy this as an action/adventure film but even then it will delight and challenge you in ways that most escapist fare would never even dare. Sorcerer's Apprentice doesn't treats its audience like movie fans and not, like many other films do, as movie consumers. You can tell that it had the same innovative director that made the brilliant National Treasure films. This has the same wild spirit and commitment to quality and originality as those movies do but, and I didn't think this was possible, it surpasses those in ways that make this not only a standout in its genre but as sui generis in its own right. It is part of the genius of Sorcerer's Apprentice that, at first, you think it's a movie you've seen hundred's of times and you're tempted to dismiss it as trite and repetitive crap. That's ok though because, after a while, you begin to perceive and appreciate the film's multiple layers and the layers within those layers until you realize that the movie has surrounded you with so many layers that it feels like you can't breathe but you must or you'll never know how it ends and yes, I know that makes no sense but neither does the movie. It makes no sense but in a wonderful and glorious way that our language is woefully inadequate at describing. It must be experienced to be explained.

You must go see The Sorcerer's Apprentice and then you must take your family and friends and see it and they must do the same thing again and again until it has spread across the world like, well, like oil spilling wildly into the ocean. It will move us beyond what we are and, someday, forge us into a global family. Yes, like the producers of Sorcerer's Apprentice, I dare to think and dream things that others would call hackneyed, stupid and insane.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Grown Ups

Last week, we all were lucky to have lived long enough to see not the one of the best movies of the week, not one of the best movies of the year, but possibly one of the best movies of all time. I'm talking, of course, about Jonah Hex. This movie broke down so many barriers and set so many new standards that it seems unjust to classify it as a mere movie. This time last week, I would have thought Jonah Hex to be a sure lock to sweep next year's Oscars and to achieve box office success that would make the grosses on Avatar look like some straight-to-DVD American Pie sequel. But that was last week and, since then, a miracle happened. A movie has come out that has caused Jonah Hex to fade from memory to such a point that I find it hard to remember a single scene and I saw it four times. This new movie...no...this new modern classic is the comedy Grown Ups.

Directing legend Dennis Dugan, whose previous efforts like You Don't Mess With The Zohan and I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry have caused him to be mentioned in the same breath of talents like John Ford and Orson Welles, has done it again. This avant-garde innovation definitely has the Duganesque flair for seamlessly blending and balancing comedy with real word pathos in order to create something exceedingly unique and yet as comforting as something you've seen in hundreds of low brow comedies.

As John Ford worked again and again with John Wayne and James Stewart, Dugan once again teams with people like Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider. Whatever you want to say about those two, you have to admit that movies have been made and that they've been in a few.

Grown Ups centers on five men who were friends when they were twelve and reunite in their 40s. The joys of childhood are now a distant memory buried under the drudgery of kids, mortgages and other adult concerns. I won't tell you if the movie has a happy ending in which they reform the bonds of friendship that made them so close in their younger years while also recapturing the joy of youth and the sense of wonder that makes being a kid so joyful. If I told you that happened, it would be a major spoiler so I will not tell you if a major Hollywood studio's comedy designed to appeal to mass audiences has what could be called a predictable ending.

I would like to discuss what will be regarded in years to come as one of the great moments of cinema in the same way that Casabalanca's "Play it, Sam" scene and Harry Lime's Ferris Wheel speech from The Third Man are. There's a scene in which the five childhood friends are all in a pool when one of their daughters points out they put a chemical in the water that turns urine blue. The father says that this is just an old wives tale. After this, the five friends give each other wry grins and knowing looks as blue clouds begin to form around their bodies. I actually wept when I saw this. I wept at the idea of grown men recapturing the joy and wonder of their youth. I wept at the rejection of societal norms and the embrace of individuality. I wept at the sheer love of life and all it has to offer symbolized by the piss filled pool.

Go see Grown Ups today then see it again and again. Let it change the way you look at things as it surrounds like a Blue Cloud of Freedom.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The A-Team

In the 1980s, a television show premiered that was instantly recognized not only as the new standard bearer of broadcast excellence but as a light that led a generation to a level of excellence previously thought to be unattainable. That show was, of course, The A-Team. The story of four wrongly accused soldiers who manage to stay on the run from the law while helping out innocent civilians jump started a stalled nation and showed us all what it was to hope again. When I first heard that The A-Team was being remade as a feature length film, I and, I assume, the rest of the world felt a level of righteous indignation that we all previously felt was impossible. How could the show that defined our lives for so long possibly receive justice on the big screen? I walked into the theater absolutely certain that I would exit it in such a state of blind anger that I may very well burn down not only the multiplex but several city blocks along with it. I doubt I've ever been as shocked as I was by what happened next.

The A-Team movie not only is worthy of bearing that name but actually surpasses the show upon which it was based. I can't even truly enjoy the show anymore. After seeing the movie, the show seems like a stupid, trite, dull, repetitive piece of crap devoid of any and all imagination and entertainment value. That's something no one would have ever said about the show before this new movie came out.

Director Joe Carnahan, who also directed Smokin' Aces which I haven't seen but must be extraordinary if his new work is any indication, has managed not just one but two impossible feats. First, he has made the classic television show into a classic movie. Second, he actually managed to assemble a cast worthy of stepping into what I would have said were the irreplaceable shoes of the original actors. It would, of course, take someone like Liam Neeson, a man who can arguably be called a modern day Olivier, to replace George Peppard who, I'm sure, was also thought of as a modern day Olivier as Hannibal, the team's leader and moral center. Only an actor of Neeson's caliber could make you believe that it's possible to take a Subaru and transform it into a well armored tank/high powered weapon that can easily plow through a fortress guarded by a dozen heavily armed men who were easily distracted by a few firecrackers and didn't even see the damn thing coming. In the hands of lesser filmmakers, scenes like that would seem stupid but Neeson and the rest of the crew perform with such ease, authenticity and almost ethereal confidence that they take something impossible believe and make it seem like you could build your own tank and drive it to the supermarket.

The A-Team is a story of courage, honor and old fashioned American can-do spirit. The lessons it has to teach can be applied to any person in any situation. You can take the insane determination and willingness to do anything that the A-Team had when they were shooting a high powered anti-aircraft gun at fighter jets as they were parachuting out of a destroyed airplane and apply it to things like doing your taxes or cleaning your pool or walking your dog. It really is that simple. The A-Team should be seen multiple times by all people from all walks of life. It is the kind of movie that can bind us together and make us citizens of the world and members of a global family. Hopefully it will spawn numerous sequels and A-Team themed glasses from McDonalds. Drinking from those glasses would truly be like drinking from goblets of wisdom.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Sex and the City 2

What do you think of when asked what the most important moments of your life are? The majority probably think of the same things. First kiss, college graduation, wedding day, the births of our children. Those are the things that will bring a smile to our faces and, perhaps, a wistful tear to our eyes when we reach our sunset years and look back on the richness of the lives we have lived. As of today, we have a new memory to add to the fine moments that make up the glorious tapestry that is us, a new cultural touchstone that, if we are lucky, we will share with the ones we love for decades to come. We will experience this with our children and their children and we will never forget the moment that defined not only who we are but who we could dream of being.

That moment is the first time we saw Sex and the City 2.

If you've ever seen the HBO series or the first movie then you have already experienced a taste of the magic that is this movie. However, this movie is not so much a sequel or continuation of those previous stories but rather a glorious culmination and realization of a dream that started in the mind of author Candace Bushnell over a decade ago and has now come gloriously to life. I imagine director Michael Patrick King looking at blank film and seeing the movie before a single scene was shot in much the same way that Michelangelo once stared at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and saw his fresco of the creation of Man before a single brush stroke had been painted.

The four women who are not so much characters as they are members of our family to show us who they are and teach us about who we should be. Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are all back and not for themselves but, rather, for us all.

I'm amazed at how the makers of this film took a moronic sitcom plot and turned it into such a delight. At first glance, the movie appears to be nothing more than middle aged women telling dick jokes. At second glance, it seems even far more stupid, vile and offensive to all that is good and holy than it did on the first glance. It is only when one considers it for a third time that the majestic vision of mankind at the heart of this film can shine through, enter our consciousness and define who we are. The scenes of the witty banter, sexual aggressiveness and conspicuous consumption combine into a big goopy mishmash of awesomeness that cannot be removed from the brain even if we wanted it to be which we certainly won't.

This story that stretches from the magical streets of an idealistic New York to the exotic sands of Abu Dhabi is not something that should be experienced by all. It is something that must be experienced by all and when it is we shall tell the children that there is still wonder and truth within that wonder that tells us that glory and beauty can be achieved by this crazy, wonderful thing that we call the human race.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The Back-up Plan

Romantic comedies are one of the things that help us get through the insanity and casual tragedy of everyday life. No matter how we are feeling, a good romantic comedy can make our day brighter. If we are in a foul mood, it make it good. If we are in a good mood, it can make it better. We love being swept away to a fantasy world in which even a horribly mismatched couple comes to realize that each one is the other's soulmate. While we watch their improbable journey, we often laugh, sometimes cry and come out feeling satisfied. I would like to say that this is what happens in Jennifer Lopez's new comedy The Back-up Plan but it's not. The Back-up Plan is not even what I would call a movie. I would call it the event of a lifetime.

If you can only do one thing for the rest of your life, see The Back-up Plan. If the choice this weekend is going to your child's funeral or seeing The Back-up Plan, pick the latter. To say it will change your life does not do this cinematic experience justice. Rather, it will become so integrated into who and what you are that it will become your life. Some critics might say that it takes the romantic comedy and turns the genre on its ear. I say it takes the romantic comedy, forces it to the ground and fills its every orifice with life changing awesomeness.

At first glance, The Back-up Plan appears to be trite, predictable, dull, stupid and, to top it off, misogynistic. It looks pretty much that way on the second glance too, and the third. After enough glances, however, the film's true meaning and spirit emerge and you are transported to a world a lot like Heaven, only better. Jennifer Lopez doesn't act so much as she becomes the character of Zoe, a woman who lives through an all-too-common scenario of getting pregnant through artificial insemination, finding the man of her dreams, hiding the fact that she's pregnant when she starts dating him, confesses shortly after the first time they have sex, experiences nine months of comic hijinks that puts their relationship in jeopardy, loses the guy then gets him back through even more unlikely comic hijinks. I'm sure many women reading this gasped and thought, "This is the story of my life."

But it's not just the story of your life. Rather, it's the story of all our lives. Be you a top Wall Street banker or a bushman in the Australian Outback, you will be touched and maybe even transformed by The Back-up Plan. You will wonder how you can be more like Zoe and what you can possibly do that matches even a fraction of the spirit, grace and humor she possesses as she conceals from her boyfriend that fact that she's knocked up, does something that results in a relationship ending misunderstanding then defies all the odds and lives happily ever after with the love of her life all the while ignoring the advice of her somewhat slutty functioning alcoholic best friend.

After what will surely be repeated viewings, The Back-up Plan will become the plan for your entire life and the simple wisdom of Jennifer Lopez and whoever the hell else is in the movie will become the building blocks you will use to elevate yourself from a drab and hopeless existence into a a new personal Utopia. Plus, there's a gross scene where a woman gives birth underwater. I bet that's funny.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The Last Song

I think what I'm feeling now must be similar to the way people must have felt in the early 1960s when they witnessed a young lady named Barbra Streisand enter the world of cinema by storm, taking no prisoners and winning a fanbase that survives to this day. Or perhaps I am like someone sitting in the dark of a movie theater in 1978 who is witnessing the first star making role of a remarkable new actress named Meryl Streep. All I know is this: when you see The Last Song, you are not just watching a film that stands as one of the finest presentations of the human condition ever made but you are also seeing the true rise of a star who will dominate the world of cinema for the next generation and beyond. That person is Miley Cyrus.

Miley's performance in The Last Song is a finer acting job than I ever thought was possible not just from such a young girl but from anyone. It's amazing to me that she's only 17 because this means she will improve on her already vast ability to entertain and show us that a potential that already seems realized has in fact only just been tapped.

Miley plays Ronnie Miller, a girl from a broken home whose mother has sent her from New York to spend the summer with her father in Savannah, Georgia. Ronnie's dad, played by Greg Kinnear, is a classical composer whose hobby is restoring stained glass windows and I'm sure that, upon reading that, everyone out there could instantly relate and think, "Wow, this is so much like my own dad." Ronnie's story is like what The Odyssey would have been had it been a modern teen romance tale. Her hero's journey is one of triumph and tragedy that lesser minds see as contrived melodrama. It is only those who see beyond their own lives and look upon the world as a global village that can see how transcendent and universal themes that touch all our lives have only been truly and fully realized for the first time in this movie.

I struggled for a while if it was Miley Cyrus make The Last Song good or if it was the other way around? I wasn't able to answer that question until I thought, "What would Miley say?" and that was when I realized that I was asking the wrong question and that was how I was able to solve the problem. Miley Cyrus and The Last Song could not have been made without each other. Since the dawn of existence itself she was destined to be in this movie and it was destined to have her star in it. No, the proper question to ask is, "How does The Last Song and its young star elevate us as a species?" That question will not be fully answered for decades but I think we may already have begun the next age of mankind, an age in which we are all like teenage girls who hate their musician/glass repairing dads but come to understand them. if we all adopted that worldview, hate and anger against our fellow humans would ceases and prejudice and oppression would become distant legends told as fairy tales by future generations.

The Last Song also has some new Miley Cyrus songs. They're okay, I guess.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Valentine's Day

In the history of film, there have been projects so special that many of the greatest actors of their era have put aside their egos just so they could say that they were at least a small part of something great. These pieces of cinematic history are familiar to us all. Names like Grand Hotel, Judgment at Nuremberg, Nashville and The Magnificent Seven all stand not only as films with great ensemble casts but as pieces of cinematic history. Now those great examples of cinematic excellence have a worthy addition called Valentine's Day.

The cast is a Who's Who of this generation's greatest acting talents. When you hear names like Jessica Alba and Eric Dane, your mind is immediately transported to the uncountable number of excellent films they have made and the joy you felt watching them and you know that anything other than a quality film from them is impossible. Together, they and the rest of the cast create a film that feels less like a fiction you are watching on the big screen and more like a song that is sung by your heart and soul.

Many of the movie's scenes are already cultural touchstones and those are just the ones shown in the trailer. The world has already been entranced by the funny and heartbreaking scene of Jessica Biel talking about how she has to masturbate using her Blackberry. If you are not touched by the modern day tragedy of that scene, I would have to say you have no soul. If you can watch Topher Grace saying he believes that Valentine's Day always comes on a Thursday like Thanksgiving without shedding a tear over the plight of this poor mentally challenged individual trying to find love in this crazy world of ours, you are a stronger person than I.

Valentine's Day has lessons for us all that could lead our society to a romantic awakening, an awareness of both our potential for love and how that potential can be tapped by a desperate world. That's why so many of our greatest actors joined with the director of Georgia Rule to make this modern day masterpiece. It is a call for humanity to start its next great age and it will not take NO for an answer. Valentine's Day's ultimate message is that this next great age can start now. Is the human race ready to receive and act on that message? Ashton Kutcher, Bradley Cooper and Taylor Swift all think we are. It is now our responsibility to bring their dream to life. Come on world, let's not betray their faith in us. The future starts now.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The Tooth Fairy

There are movies we see as children that stay with us throughout our lives. They play a role in guiding us, helping to shape our values and becoming at least a small piece of who we are. Films like Wizard of Oz, E.T., Willy Wonka and Mary Poppins are part of our lives and stay with people who see them as children long after they've grown into adulthood. Parents often take great pleasure watching these movies with their own children, an act that both passes on part of the legacy of their youth to the next generation and allows them to become children themselves again if only for a short time. Now, at the dawn of a new decade, a new film has arisen to join that vaunted pantheon of precious children's movies that will be watched and treasured for decades to come. That movie is Dwayne Johnson's The Tooth Fairy.

I imagine the movie's tagline, "You Can't Handle The Tooth," will become a national catchphrase for decades to come as the movie seeps into our culture and our history. Right now we all get the pleasure of speculating which scenes will become iconic touchstones that will make us smile when we think of them.

The movie stars Dwayne Johnson who used to wrestle under the name "The Rock" and here it's obvious why as he is the Rock upon which this movie builds the dreams and wonders that delight the movie going public. He plays Derek, a hockey player who almost tells his girlfriend's daughter that the Tooth Fairy is a myth and is punished for that by becoming the Tooth Fairy. This, however, is but a fraction of his character. Johnson creates one of the most bizarrely lovable and utterly fascinating characters to ever appear on the silver screen. There are times on screen when an actor literally cannot be seen acting and instead somehow becomes the character he or she is playing. Some examples of this are Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter, Robert DeNiro as Jake LaMotta and now Dwayne Johnson as Derek the Tooth Fairy.

I feel sorry for future generations who will not have been here, now, when the phenomenon known as The Tooth Fairy began. This means it is our responsibility to tell the children to tell the world that there is a bar to reach, a standard that they must not only meet but surpass, a perfect star in the brightest part of the heavens that contains the best part of humanity and that the only way they can ascend and actually touch this star is to follow the lessons and principles set down so long ago by an actor named Dwayne Johnson and a character called the Tooth Fairy. This is not only how we will truly be able to "Handle the Tooth" but also how we will become worthy of doing so.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The Squeakquel

Once every generation, a movie is made that acts as a clarion call for change. It slaps the movie industry in the face and tells it that, after this, nothing will ever be the same. Films as diverse as The Jazz Singer, 8½, Star Wars and Pulp Fiction have filled this role in times past and now, during this most holy and festive time of the year, a new movie has joined their ranks.

Alvin and the Chipmunks - The Squeakquel is the kind of movie that works on so many levels that it's hard to know where to begin when talking about it. Is it a children's movie? A broad comedy? A musical? A portrait of courage, honor and friendship? A call for humans to live in greater harmony with the natural world? It's all of those and more.

This is not a sequel (or Squeakquel, a word we should all get used to saying in the same we got used to saying Recession and Chipotle) so much as it is a continuation of a timeless tale. The chipmunks are riding high with a successful music career. They have nothing to prove and no worlds to conquer yet they desire challenges so they go to high school. This episode of their lives is a searing, brutally honest portrait of prejudice against those who are different. Somehow, the movie manages to simultaneously make their experience sad and uplifting as it melds the pitfalls of the high school experience with the chipmunks trademark humor and a dash of music to make the whole thing one of the truly great moviegoing experiences.

Alvin and the Chipmunks - The Squeakquel will serve as a blueprint for the next generation of filmmakers. It shines as a light in these trying times and uses anthropomorphic animals to show all of humanity the way forward. Seeing this movie is not mere entertainment but rather a privilege granted to us by God. When you see it, you will not be the person when you exit that you were when you entered. This is not just a Squeakquel for the first Chipmunks movie. It is the beginning of the Squeakquel of the human race itself.

Bizzarro World Movie Reviews -- 2012

For the past two decades there have been two names that dominated the world of cinema. These are the filmmakers against whom all others are judged and measured. They seem to exist on a separate plane, one to which mere mortals such as we cannot even imagine, much less enter. One of these two great directors is Michael Bay and the other, as if I even needed to tell you, is Roland Emmerich.

After sweeping the Oscars with last year's 10,000 B.C., many people expected The Great One to take some time off before even attempting to create something that had even a fraction of the cinematic greatness contained in that masterpiece. This caused many people to scoff at the idea that there would be a mere 18 month gap between what Roger Ebert described as, "A film of wonderful ideas so perfectly melded with images spectacular in both their imagination and their beauty that it makes one think Emmerich must have gone back in time and actually lived amongst the mammoth hunters in order to get this perfect footage." I am here today to tell you that these fears were unfounded and now look like the bitchy chattering of jealous schoolgirls trying to talk down something they don't understand. No sane person can look at 2012 and deny that The Great One has done it again.

In 10,000 B.C., Emmerich showed where we've been. In 2012, he shows us where we're going. True, this is science fiction but, as he did with Day After Tomorrow, The Great One insisted that this movie be so firmly grounded in scientific fact that Emmerich's critics have tried and failed to label it as riddled with factual inaccuracies and impossibilities. Lesser filmmakers would have taken the idea of a family trying to survive the end of the world and made it a simplistic action film but Emmerich's restrained use of action and computer generated special effects causes us to focus not on the spectacular devastation but rather on the human story of his richly drawn characters. When you see it, you think it must be an older film directed by Ingmar Bergman or Stanley Kubrick but no, it could have only come from the man who, in the past, has taught us all to be better people whether it's by having aliens blow up the White House or a monster from Japan rampaging through New York City.

It would be a crime to reveal any more of the plot here. When you see the movie, its unexpected twists and turns will carry you away into a world of pure imagination. It's the ultimate irony that, in these dark and depressing times, it is a movie about the world's end that will lift our spirits to new heights and make our society better. Don't just see 2012. Experience it!