Monday, July 19, 2010

How'd I Miss This Gem?

This post was meant for later in the week but, due to a busy weekend in which dragging my butt to a theater to watch Inception wasn't possible, I may as well put it up now. Hopefully, no one else has reviewed Inception so I won't be too far behind the curve when I finally get around to it.

Concentrating on the here and now, today I will now do one of my famous liveblogs of a movie currently available for streaming on Netflix. Admittedly, this was chosen as low hanging fruit so I can make sarcastic comments so if you've seen it and think it was the best movie ever, you may want to stop reading now. An actual liveblog would have been posted as I was writing it so you're free to sue me for using the term here. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy Species IV: The Awakening. I have somehow gotten to this point in my life without knowing there had been a Species II and III so I hope I'll be able to follow the story though I'm guessing it will have something to do with a sexy, horny female alien tearing her clothes off at any given opportunity in order to entice human men to have sex with her in so she can give birth to what will basically be an invading force of aliens. Oh sorry, I should have given a spoiler warning before typing all that. I could fix it but shall, instead, soldier on cause that's how I roll. I would go into how damn-near-impossible it would be for aliens and humans to breed but I somehow doubt that this will be the most unbelievable thing in the movie. Still, I haven't seen this so who knows. Maybe it will be really good HA HA HA sorry, couldn't finish that with a straight face.

0:00:07 -- So far, so good. Right now, the famous MGM logo is on my screen. They've made movies like Gone With The Wind and Ben-Hur. Maybe this will be just as good.

0:03:11 -- We've met Miranda, a gorgeous mythology professor played by a gorgeous Swede named Helena Mattsson whose main talent as a teacher is to give her male students permanent erections. Her uncle Tom (Ben Cross) is some sort of biology researcher who doesn't seem to think biology research has to have any sort of specific purpose. Seriously, he spends most of his time pulling some sort of resin off of old skulls. Has AIDS been cured leaving him with the free time to do this?

0:05:00 -- Apparently Miranda lives with her uncle. The dim lights and numerous burning candles set up an inappropriately romantic atmosphere for an uncle and a niece. Maybe Helena Mattson is from the southern part of Sweden.

0:06:00 -- And we have nudity. That didn't take long. Oh, nothing incestuous. Miranda left the house at night and we have cut to the morning where she's naked and unconscious in a park. Also, she has these blue veiny things on her body. I'm sure it's nothing.

0:12:00 -- In a plot reveal that will come as a surprise to no one, we discover that Miranda is one of those Species aliens. She never knew until now. That doesn't come as a surprise since she never thought it odd that she somehow developed a Swedish accent even though she lives in America with a British uncle. She kills several people using her main weapon of choice, that being a really crappy CGI tongue that cuts through peoples' heads. Uncle Tom apparently knows this because he injects her with some sort of anti-Species juice which transforms her back into a naked Helena Mattsson. I'm guessing the words "naked Helena Mattsson" are going to be used a lot.

0:20:00 -- Turns out Tom thought it would be a good idea to take some alien DNA and make an alien/human hybrid and then to take the product of that out of the safety of a lab and raise her himself among people. He then shows another example of fine judgment and takes her to some smart guy in Mexico instead of handing her over to the authorities even though she's killed several people. Also, it's been eight minutes since Helena Mattsson's taken off her clothes. I refuse to comment again until she does.

0:35:00 -- Nudity-wise, this movie's a huge disappointment. In every other measure though, it's pretty much what I expected. Tom encountered another hot alien chick while trying to look for some brilliant former pupil down in Mexico. The girl transformed herself into CGI which gave her one of those super tongues and the ability to leap over buildings yet he still got away. He also was almost killed by a male alien but managed to douse him with gas and burn him up. So far, I'm not too impressed with this invading alien force, at least the ones who aren't Miranda. I wonder if Ben Cross was as proud of this role as he was of the roles he played when he was with the Royal Shakespeare Company.

0:51:00 -- Tom found his old student, Forbes Malcolm (Dominic Keating, best known for his role in Enterprise, the show that killed two decades of successful Star Trek television series). Turns out Forbes slaps together these hybrids all the time. You'd think you'd need a lab with clean rooms and advanced equipment for all this but no, Forbes manages to knock em out in a run down warehouse. He tells Tom that they need to kill someone, drain the fluids and give them to Miranda. Or something like that. I was busy eating roast beef when they were talking about this. Man, that roast beef was good too. I may spend the rest of this talking about roast beef.

1:00:00 -- So they killed some Mexican hooker/thief and did some sort of infusion thing to Miranda and hell I don't know. The fact that her first act after being healed was to throw Forbes through a window says this may not have been the best of ideas but at least Helena Mattsson was naked again. You know, I'm starting to think maybe this movie was made as a cheap exploitation flick and not as serious science fiction.

1:15:00 -- I'm going to say two things I never thought I'd say. 1) It turns out that extending the natural lifespan of a homicidal alien/human hybrid is a horrible idea. 2) This movie makes no sense whatsoever. I'll do one more comment at the end and sum it all up then.

1:37:57 -- And that's that. All done. Miranda did the usual Species thing of trying to get pregnant so she could take over the planet but apparently thought the way this is accomplished is by brutally murdering men instead of having sex with them. She eventually figured out the flaw in her plan, got pregnant, killed some more people with her super tongue before dying. Dying completely naked, of course. Some other incredibly stupid stuff happened involving some other hybrids but that's the gist of it.

I do apologize to all the people who Googled "Helena Mattsson naked" as this article was obviously not what you were looking for.

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