Days Of Swine And Roses

Okay Hollywood, this is my latest attempt to crash your gate, infiltrate your ranks, crawl up your ass and ensconce myself next to your prostate. I'm sure many of you remember a movie made three years ago that remains an internationally recognized classic called Fatal Contact: Bird Flu In America. It was possibly the most influential movie about influenza ever made. (Cool wordplay, eh? Took 17 hours of work to come up with that). My goal today is to top that cinematic achievement. I present to you now my pitch for what is sure to be next year's top grossing movie/Oscar winner:

DAYS OF SWINE AND ROSES

We open on some Mexican pig farm as some adorable little kid is playing in a barn or whatever the hell kind of building the Mexicans use to raise pigs. Out of nowhere, a pig with glowing red eyes jumps out of the shadows and bites him. As the boy's wound is tended to by his mother, the pig is loaded onto a truck along with several other pigs. As the truck's doors close, a sign on the back reads, "DESTINATION: U.S.A."

We cut to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia (which will bear a startling resemblance to Los Angeles) where me meet Dr. Chuck Maxwell, a devastatingly good looking infectious disease specialist with a reputation as a renegade who sometimes breaks the rules. (Depending on the budget, he'll either be played by Gerard Butler or that McDreamy guy from Gray's Anatomy). Maxwell rides his Harley right into the CDC's lobby just as his boss, some stick-up-the-ass old guy, is giving a tour to some stick-up-the-ass old guy from Congress who wants to cut the CDC's budget. The boss wants to fire Maxwell on the spot but Chuck says, "Before I pack my desk, you might want to take a look at this," and tosses him a file. Inside we see pictures of the little Mexican boy from the pig farm who Maxwell says has contracted a previously unseen strain of swine flu. The boss tells Maxwell he can go investigate but he must take along a partner. Maxwell at first insists that he always works alone but is then introduced to his new partner, recent CDC hire Dr. Laura Madison (Kate Beckinsale if the budget allows, any girl who ever posed for Maxim if it doesn't). After making several misogynistic comments about how chicks can't do science and that he'd like to take her somewhere and put his test tube into her autoclave, she emasculates him with some sort of really smart disease comment and they head out to Mexico.

We cut to the pig truck stopping for gas. As ominous music plays, the red eyed pig starts biting other pigs. The driver hears something going but, just before he opens the door, all grows quiet. He's behind schedule so he lets the situation drop and gets back on the road toward his final destination, Los Angeles.

Chuck and Laura are now in a Mexican hospital that is treating several cases of the new swine flu strain. The boy from the pig farm tells them how one of the pigs bit him before he got sick then he dies. Very sad. We jump to a hotel where Chuck and Laura are staying. Laura is taking a shower when Chuck just walks in and informs her that the farm has been shut down then asks if she needs someone to wash her back. He is informed that, if she did, he certainly would not be the one she would ask. Chuck sports a cocky smile and swaggers out of the bathroom saying, "She wants me."

She apparently does because she wears a sexy, low-cut dress to dinner that night, they flirt, she says something like, "I can't believe this was contained so easily," they flirt some more and we cut to Chuck's hotel room where they come crashing in and start ripping each others clothes off. When they're done, their rapturous afterglow is disrupted by a phone call where they are informed that a truckload of pigs went out before the farm was shut down. Chuck says, "Oh...dear...GOD!"

We cut to the pig truck driving through the desert only a few miles from L.A. The truck is suddenly surrounded by helicopters and police vehicles. Chuck's boss is there in one of those air tight germ suits and ignores Chuck's warning to proceed with caution. "Listen Maxwell, I've been doing this for longer than you've been a doctor. OPEN THE TRUCK." When the truck is opened, a pack of crazed, red eyed pigs come charging out and attacking everybody. Chuck can hear this from the airplane phone he was speaking on. Blood is flying everywhere as the diseased pigs go on a rampage. The police open fire and kill all the pigs. Chuck is screaming into the phone that they must quickly secure the corpses into airtight containers but, by the time anyone listens to him, it's too late. Massive amounts of gas begin leaking out of the pig corpses and form into one massive cloud of swine flu. Someone points out that the prevailing trade winds will bring that death cloud right into Los Angeles.

Chuck and Laura figure out that the cloud can be rendered inert by sprinkling it with...oh hell, I don't know...Mrs. Dash Cajun Seasoning? Yeah, that or something else that would make an awesome product placement. They gather up truckloads of the stuff but someone will have to fly into the cloud to deliver it. Chuck kisses Laura and runs to the helicopter containing the Mrs. Dash. He flies into the cloud and the swine flu gas begins seeping in. Just before it gets to him, he releases his payload and the whole thing dissolves around him.

Chuck lands and meets up with his boss who informs him that he's crazy, reckless and irresponsible...and also the best damn doctor the CDC has ever seen. Chuck spouts some cheesy monologue about how technology is bad and then fucks Laura again which, ultimately, shows you that he's the hero.

And there you have it. I imagine I'll be quite the hot property once this script gets optioned which means this'll be the last time I'll ever have to write one of these stupid posts. Yay!

I'm A Twit

You may have thought you were going to read something today called "Swine Flu -- The Movie." If you logged on earlier or have a RSS Reader you may have seen a post with that headline along with an incomprehensible single paragraph. That's actually an incomplete rough draft of something that will have to wait a day or two as I got busy with errands and work and couldn't give it the love it deserves. Instead of that, I give you filler. I use this thing that the kids like to call "The Twitter" so I thought I'd regale you with some of the genius that is I condensed to 140 characters. One awesome thing in my life directly attributable to Twitter: I won a contest held by Neal Gaiman and won a personally autographed copy of The Graveyard Book.

When BBC America presents us with such scintillating titles as "Hotel Inspector" how can we NOT watch? 3:49 PM Apr 23rd from web

I've always known when to take cake out of the oven. It's the lame end of the superpower scale but I'll take what I can get. 6:29 AM Apr 24th from web

Youtube is promoting the fact that they have full movies like Harvard Man and Blue Juice online, I assume because they hate the world. 4:02 PM Apr 24th from web

Blue Juice's IMDB page: "Will he stay with her and run a surfer coffee shop or travel around the world without her?" That screams quality. 4:04 PM Apr 24th from web

Why is it we can put a man on the Moon yet I'm not allowed to spy on women while they shower? 5:28 PM Apr 24th from web

So now we're all going to die of swine flu? Odd, since I thought we had all already died of bird flu. 4:36 PM Apr 25th from web

How many times in the last decade has the media crapped its pants and screamed "pandemic" about a perfectly manageable situation? 4:40 PM Apr 25th from web

I wonder if we'll get another crap made for TV movie out of this. http://tinyurl.com/5dxcol 4:46 PM Apr 25th from web

This will be my 350th tweet. If you write it like this "3-50" it makes me very sad since my parents were killed on March the 50th. 7:21 AM Apr 26th from web

Fact: Bea Arthur was healthy till she ate her last meal: Pork Chops. Coincidence? And why is the media covering this up? April 27th from TweetDeck

Good night all. Please note I've already established Bartertown for when swine flu destroys society. about 23 hours ago from TweetDeck

Hey all. I see my Twitter friend PgFker69 passed away overnight. I wonder what killed him. 6 AM April 28th from TweetDeck

Which insurance company do the people on #House use? House says "Let's do MRIs on every molecule" and their HMOs say nothing. 10 AM April 27th from TweetDeck

The pitch: A show called Glee where students try to improve their circumstances by singing 20 year old songs. 10:15 AM April 28th from TweetDeck

I just can't figure out what else was in that pitch. Maybe "Greenlight the show and I'll return your kidnapped son." 10:17 AM April 28th from TweetDeck

Girl Gone Wild

I was expecting Obsessed to be something that had dredged itself up from the lowest point of Hell's Ninth Circle and splashed its unholy slimy self all over this planet's movie screens. Instead, what I got was something at least a few levels above that, maybe as high up as the Fifth Circle (this is supposedly where the slothful end up so that really makes no sense but let's just go with it).

Obsessed is yet another one of those DA BITCH BE KRAZY movies in which a woman who appears perfectly normal makes sexual advances on some poor, innocent man. The advances are rebuffed (if not at first then eventually) and that's when you find out that DA BITCH BE KRAZY and she does things like vandalize property, kill house pets, and eventually provoke a violent confrontation in which DA KRAZY BITCH (DKB) is finally put down.

In the case, said bitch is played by Ali Larter. She's perfect for this role because DKB is always smoking hot. DKB is also always supremely competent at anything she happens to be doing that doesn't involve her love life, an aspect when Ali Larter's Lisa (DKB) is hired as a temp to fill for an executive assistant who is out sick. Her boss, Derek (Idris Elba)*, quickly concludes that she is better at the job after one day than his regular assistant is. She's also extremely friendly and always makes a point of adjusting her skirt when Derek is watching. Resisting this sexy temp isn't really too much of a problem for Derek though since his wife, Sharon, strongly resembles Beyonce Knowles which is probably why they cast Beyonce Knowles to play her.

That pretty much sums up the movie's first act. Derek is a good man who is faithful to his wife. Lisa is a beautiful woman who is clearly attracted to Derek yet is also presented as someone intelligent and mature enough to recognize that he is in love with his wife and not at all responsive to her subtle flirtations. Her proper response would be to give up and look for love somewhere else but she can't do this because...yeah, you got it...DA BITCH BE KRAZY. The first bit of insanity comes at the office Christmas party when she attempts a very aggressive seduction in the office men's room. She gets into his car later, at first trying to apologize before she opens her coat to reveal that she's in her underwear. It escalates from there in terms of madness on Lisa's part and the intensity of her threats against Derek.

There are two things that, for me, elevate this movie slightly above the level of unwatchable crap. One is a realistic plot point in which Derek's male coworkers think it's funny that the biggest problem in his life is that a gorgeous woman's biggest goal in life is to wrap her lips around his penis and his frustration when he encounters that attitude. The other in a very cool line Beyonce delivers toward the end when she finds Lisa in her house. I won't reveal it here but when I heard it I thought, "Oh THAT'S why Beyonce agreed to be in this movie. So she could say that line."

All in all, though, it's the same DBBK misogynistic plot you've seen dozens of times since Fatal Attraction came out in which the greatest threat a man can face is a beautiful, intelligent woman. At least in this case, Derek had an even more beautiful and intelligent woman. Remember men, this could happen to you.


*I was going to describe Derek's job here but I honestly can't remember what the hell it is he does. It's one of those generic movie jobs where guy in suits sit around in an office discussing accounts. Could be advertising, could be finance, hell it could they publish neo-Nazi pamphlets. I really can't say.

Almost Home

Still not home so I really only have time for this:

If you've ever asked yourself the question, "Am I a rightwing nut?" just read the opening sentence of John Nolte's review of the movie Earth.

Anyone who’s figured out that Global Warming is socialism disguised as nonsense will immediately understand why DisneyNature’s “Earth” was dropped into theatres and aimed at your children on Earth Day.

If you thought that was not the paranoid ranting of someone who thinks that Barack Obama, George Soros and Sean Penn all meet up regularly in their hollowed out volcano fortress where fake footage of melting glaciers is produced and thermometers designed to show that the temperature is ten degrees hotter than it actually is are manufactured then you are a rightwing nut.

The More You Know...

If It's Friday, It Must Be...

...time for another collection of brief observations, something made necessary by the fact that I'm still on the road.

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Once again, it has become necessary for me to point out to some brain damage case that 24 is a work of fiction and that Jack Bauer only exists on television and in the homoerotic fantasies of guys like Greg Gutfeld. And yeah, you didn't mention it by name but who did you think you were fooling when you wrote this?

Fact: if a loved one is going to be killed in 24 hours, and an agent is holding someone with knowledge that could save him - you sure as hell want that agent to have every option at his disposal. Imagine if he said, “well, the suspect didn’t tell us anything. We asked him and asked him, and he still said nothing. We did all we could do. Sorry about your dad.”

Fact: It's a sign of a diseased mind to follow the word "Fact" with fictional scenarios that don't happen outside of movies and television. Also, if you really feel this way...

So a lot of media types have been making grand pronouncements on the topic of torture - the gist being: this is America, and America doesn’t torture.

If so, then I’m not sure I want to be part of that America.

...then I'm sure there are many other countries that are aching to welcome a rightwing douchebag who depends on wingnut welfare payments from Rupert Murdoch and Andrew Breitbart to make a living. Love it or leave it, dude.

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When BBC America offers its U.S. audience programs with such scintillating titles as Hotel Inspector, how the hell can we NOT watch?

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Awesome, a movie where Channing Tatum plays a tank top wearing street kid trying to change his circumstances by the benefit of some unusual talent. It's been nearly six months since we've had one of those.

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And finally, here's something to make your weekend a little more depressing to which I shall simply add:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just A Few More Things

I'm very busy here in my super cool, high flying world but I can still find time to make some brief observations.

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The new Star Trek movie is getting some decent reviews which is good news since it will at least help to silence the idiots who've been screaming, "YOU'VE DESTROYED MY CHILDHOOD," ever since this movie was announced. Even if this movie ends up sucking, it's existence does not affect the existence of the 40 year old television series. People can pick up the DVDs anytime they want to and watch William Shatner deliver corny dialogue in his often mocked speaking style that somehow convinced futuristic women with their beehive hairdos that they must rip their panties off and do him right there. (Wow, that sounds especially bad considering I'm a fan of Star Trek. I wonder how it's described by people who hate it.)

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Most of the critics get it that Seven Pounds blows yet since the DVD came out I've had to deal with people who tell me they liked it. As I said back in December, this is not a Wonderful Character Study or One Man's Quest To Find Redemption. Seven Pounds is about a man who was driven insane by a personal tragedy and then hatched an insane plan because that's what insane people do. There were some interesting and moving moments but, ultimately, it had the same entertainment level as a blackout (which are exciting at first then quickly get boring and frustrating).

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I'm sure you are all as shocked as I am that the Pulitzer Prize committee chose to snub me and this blog. I'm wondering if it was my overuse of the word "douchebag" or the sometimes graphic descriptions of things I'd like to do to Scarlett Johannson that ultimately turned them off. Oh well, I have a whole year to convince those douchebags to change their...crap.

Over There

I find I have a few thoughts and observations that mainly concern England. You Americans may know England as yet another one of those countries you can't find on a map.

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On behalf of my country, I apologoze for the fact that so many of us still think Benny Hill is the end all-be all of British humor.

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Only four episodes of Doctor Who this year? Screw you, England! What you should have done was put out all four of those episodes in the same week then started the next series a month later. How would you like it if we only put out four episodes of Two And A Half Men this year...never mind.

Also, in the last episode, Planet of the Dead, you had Michelle Ryan on and didn't have her strip to her underwear and do a gratuitous shower scene. Oh, wait, does this make me look creepy?

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It's odd how two countries, even when they share a language, can have such thoroughly different tastes. A good example is the phenomenon of Susan Boyle. In America, we think she possesses Jessica Alba levels of hotness while her voice sounds like a cat in bag being hit against a wall. However, I understand the British have a completely different opinion of her. Oh well, at least we all hate the French.