Days Of Swine And Roses

Okay Hollywood, this is my latest attempt to crash your gate, infiltrate your ranks, crawl up your ass and ensconce myself next to your prostate. I'm sure many of you remember a movie made three years ago that remains an internationally recognized classic called Fatal Contact: Bird Flu In America. It was possibly the most influential movie about influenza ever made. (Cool wordplay, eh? Took 17 hours of work to come up with that). My goal today is to top that cinematic achievement. I present to you now my pitch for what is sure to be next year's top grossing movie/Oscar winner:

DAYS OF SWINE AND ROSES

We open on some Mexican pig farm as some adorable little kid is playing in a barn or whatever the hell kind of building the Mexicans use to raise pigs. Out of nowhere, a pig with glowing red eyes jumps out of the shadows and bites him. As the boy's wound is tended to by his mother, the pig is loaded onto a truck along with several other pigs. As the truck's doors close, a sign on the back reads, "DESTINATION: U.S.A."

We cut to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia (which will bear a startling resemblance to Los Angeles) where me meet Dr. Chuck Maxwell, a devastatingly good looking infectious disease specialist with a reputation as a renegade who sometimes breaks the rules. (Depending on the budget, he'll either be played by Gerard Butler or that McDreamy guy from Gray's Anatomy). Maxwell rides his Harley right into the CDC's lobby just as his boss, some stick-up-the-ass old guy, is giving a tour to some stick-up-the-ass old guy from Congress who wants to cut the CDC's budget. The boss wants to fire Maxwell on the spot but Chuck says, "Before I pack my desk, you might want to take a look at this," and tosses him a file. Inside we see pictures of the little Mexican boy from the pig farm who Maxwell says has contracted a previously unseen strain of swine flu. The boss tells Maxwell he can go investigate but he must take along a partner. Maxwell at first insists that he always works alone but is then introduced to his new partner, recent CDC hire Dr. Laura Madison (Kate Beckinsale if the budget allows, any girl who ever posed for Maxim if it doesn't). After making several misogynistic comments about how chicks can't do science and that he'd like to take her somewhere and put his test tube into her autoclave, she emasculates him with some sort of really smart disease comment and they head out to Mexico.

We cut to the pig truck stopping for gas. As ominous music plays, the red eyed pig starts biting other pigs. The driver hears something going but, just before he opens the door, all grows quiet. He's behind schedule so he lets the situation drop and gets back on the road toward his final destination, Los Angeles.

Chuck and Laura are now in a Mexican hospital that is treating several cases of the new swine flu strain. The boy from the pig farm tells them how one of the pigs bit him before he got sick then he dies. Very sad. We jump to a hotel where Chuck and Laura are staying. Laura is taking a shower when Chuck just walks in and informs her that the farm has been shut down then asks if she needs someone to wash her back. He is informed that, if she did, he certainly would not be the one she would ask. Chuck sports a cocky smile and swaggers out of the bathroom saying, "She wants me."

She apparently does because she wears a sexy, low-cut dress to dinner that night, they flirt, she says something like, "I can't believe this was contained so easily," they flirt some more and we cut to Chuck's hotel room where they come crashing in and start ripping each others clothes off. When they're done, their rapturous afterglow is disrupted by a phone call where they are informed that a truckload of pigs went out before the farm was shut down. Chuck says, "Oh...dear...GOD!"

We cut to the pig truck driving through the desert only a few miles from L.A. The truck is suddenly surrounded by helicopters and police vehicles. Chuck's boss is there in one of those air tight germ suits and ignores Chuck's warning to proceed with caution. "Listen Maxwell, I've been doing this for longer than you've been a doctor. OPEN THE TRUCK." When the truck is opened, a pack of crazed, red eyed pigs come charging out and attacking everybody. Chuck can hear this from the airplane phone he was speaking on. Blood is flying everywhere as the diseased pigs go on a rampage. The police open fire and kill all the pigs. Chuck is screaming into the phone that they must quickly secure the corpses into airtight containers but, by the time anyone listens to him, it's too late. Massive amounts of gas begin leaking out of the pig corpses and form into one massive cloud of swine flu. Someone points out that the prevailing trade winds will bring that death cloud right into Los Angeles.

Chuck and Laura figure out that the cloud can be rendered inert by sprinkling it with...oh hell, I don't know...Mrs. Dash Cajun Seasoning? Yeah, that or something else that would make an awesome product placement. They gather up truckloads of the stuff but someone will have to fly into the cloud to deliver it. Chuck kisses Laura and runs to the helicopter containing the Mrs. Dash. He flies into the cloud and the swine flu gas begins seeping in. Just before it gets to him, he releases his payload and the whole thing dissolves around him.

Chuck lands and meets up with his boss who informs him that he's crazy, reckless and irresponsible...and also the best damn doctor the CDC has ever seen. Chuck spouts some cheesy monologue about how technology is bad and then fucks Laura again which, ultimately, shows you that he's the hero.

And there you have it. I imagine I'll be quite the hot property once this script gets optioned which means this'll be the last time I'll ever have to write one of these stupid posts. Yay!