As a movie lover, I hate not having kids. Part of it is that I'd love to pass on my knowledge and appreciation of this art form. Another part is that I usually have to go by myself when a so-called "kids movie" comes out that I want to see. When I do that, I'm thoroughly convinced that every parent there sees me as some sort of sexual predator and that I'll end up in jail because some stupid kid backed up into my knee or something. I'm exaggerating but I don't like to go to movies marketed to kids by myself and it takes a special one to get me to do so. I had heard good things about How To Train Your Dragon and I can tell you they are all true and it was well worth seeing. Wouldn't be worth having to register as a sex offender for the rest of my life but it's still pretty good.
Dragon is one of these "lessons in tolerance" movies that could easily turn stupid a la Pocahontas had it been made by less skilled filmmakers. Luckily the folks at Dreamworks managed to infuse enough humor, action and that rarest of all things seen in big budget movies, intelligence, to be a thoroughly entertaining experience.
The movie opens somewhere between a hundred and a bazillion years ago in a small Viking village that is constantly under the threat of dragon attack. Even the women here must be able to competently wield weapons so they can help fight off the dragons that destroy their homes and steal their food supply so there isn't really much of a place for a kid named Hiccup voiced by Jay Baruchel. Hiccup is a small and weak boy who has a high intellect in a world that values strength and fighting skill above all else. No one cares when Hiccup invents a catapult designed to take down the fastest and most elusive of all dragons called a Night Fury. Hiccup's physical shortcomings are accentuated by the fact that his father is Chief Stoic (Gerard Butler who is breaking the vow he made years ago that every movie he made after 300 would suck), a guy who can stand toe to toe with the toughest of dragons.
No one believes Hiccup when he says his catapult worked and he took down a Night Fury so he finds it but finds himself unable to kill the bound and helpless animal so he cuts it loose. He sees it later unable to navigate while flying due to damage to its tail so Hiccup builds a replacement tail (seriously) and manages to forge a friendship with what should be his mortal enemy. While all this is going on Hiccup's father puts him into dragon killing training along with every jerk kid in the village (including one really hefty nerd who hilariously describes the dragons using Dungeons and Dragons type stats like saying one of them is +5 to poison). Included in this group is Astrid (America Ferrera), the girl Hiccup has a crush on who's also the best dragon killer in the class. Hiccup, however, begins showing her up when he learns dragon weaknesses such as the fact that certain types of plants pacify them like catnip does and uses this knowledge in his training.
Hiccup comes to like and understand dragons but, of course, no one in the village wants to listen when he says an alliance can be formed and all the Vikings team up and hack the dragons to death thus exterminating the species. HA! Gotcha. I think you know how it ends but it's fun watching how they get to that ending.
How To Train Your Dragon isn't as good as Up but then again, what is? I shouldn't have even made the comparison anyway. That would be like comparing every war movie to Inglourious Basterds or every sucky piece of crap to New Moon or Transformers 2.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Come On, Let's Go Get A Drink
The title has nothing to do with the movie Repo Men. It's a line from the 1984 cult classic Repo Man with Emilio Estevez and Harry Dean Stanton as a couple of repo men who reclaim a car that has dead aliens in it. It's actually kind of cruel to be talking about that movie in a review for the new science fiction action thriller Repo Men since the former is a memorable and original movie filled with wit, charm and interesting characters and the latter...isn't.
Judging this movie on the "Three Strikes And You're Out" scale, Repo Men starts off with two strikes. First, it is my least favorite type of science fiction. I am definitely not a fan of stories that take a current trend or topic to a ridiculous extreme. In this case, the extreme is that, in the future, artificial organs will be widely available and ridiculously expensive. They'll be sold to just about anybody on credit but if you lapse on the payments then the company that sells them, the Union, sends out their repo men to kill you and reclaim the organ. This form of brutal murder is perfectly legal and has not caused people to take to the streets and go after Union officials with pitchforks. Strike two for this movie comes in the form of a ridiculous surprise ending I saw coming as soon as what was supposed to be the throwaway remark that alluded to it was uttered.
To avoid the third strike, this movie would have to be really excel in terms of rich characters, entertaining dialogue and memorable action sequences. I'll admit it comes close. Repo Men managed to attract actors who have either won or been nominated for Oscars. Jude Law and Forest Whitaker play Remy and Jake, two childhood friends who grew up to work together as repo men for the Union. Jake feels nothing but heartless joy where his job is concerned but Remy is starting to become disenchanted with the daily grind of having to hack people up day in and day out mainly because his wife doesn't see the sheer awesomeness of it and wants him to transfer from repo to sales. After an on-the-job accident, Remy winds up needing a new heart and becomes a customer of the Union and his cold, money oriented boss played by Liev Schreiber who insists he makes payments just like everyone else. I don't know why. It happened while he was on the job. Don't they have workman's comp in the future? I guess not as Remy falls behind due to the fact that newfound sympathy makes doing his job impossible and from there, hilarity ensues and by that I mean he runs while people shoot at him. Unintentional hilarity really does ensue when Remy and his fellow runner/girlfriend played by Alice Braga make out while they cut each other open in an attempt to scan the serial numbers of their replacement parts to remove them from the Union's system.
The workman's comp thing wasn't the only question I had. Another big one is, "Why don't these people who know the repo men are coming start carrying guns?" You don't even see a real firearm until around 80 minutes into the movie. Or how about, "There's no such thing as civil rights groups who might protest the legalization of murder at the hands of corporations?"
And then there's the ending. Like I said, I saw it coming for about 90 minutes and was dreading it the whole time. It's my least favorite type of ending in my least favorite type of science fiction story and really knocks the movie out of the ballpark of mediocre and into the world of suck. If you must know what happens, mouse over the following block of white text.
At least two reference are made to one of the Union's new products, a neural net that can substitute the functions of a damaged brain. Jake even says that someone who has a head injury or a stroke can be hooked up to it and live the rest of their lives in a happy dream and when Jake said that I thought to myself, "PLOT POINT! PLOT POINT!" There comes a point where Remy is hit in the head and, as you find out at the end, Jake has the Union rig Remy up with a neural net and the rest of the movie takes place in Remy's head including the action scenes in which they take down the Union and the mega happy ending in which Remy, Jake and a bikini clad Alice Braga get to spend the rest of their lives on a tropical island.
Welcome back to those of you returning from spoiler world. You didn't really need to know all that to know that Repo Men isn't very good but I'm sure it helped.
Judging this movie on the "Three Strikes And You're Out" scale, Repo Men starts off with two strikes. First, it is my least favorite type of science fiction. I am definitely not a fan of stories that take a current trend or topic to a ridiculous extreme. In this case, the extreme is that, in the future, artificial organs will be widely available and ridiculously expensive. They'll be sold to just about anybody on credit but if you lapse on the payments then the company that sells them, the Union, sends out their repo men to kill you and reclaim the organ. This form of brutal murder is perfectly legal and has not caused people to take to the streets and go after Union officials with pitchforks. Strike two for this movie comes in the form of a ridiculous surprise ending I saw coming as soon as what was supposed to be the throwaway remark that alluded to it was uttered.
To avoid the third strike, this movie would have to be really excel in terms of rich characters, entertaining dialogue and memorable action sequences. I'll admit it comes close. Repo Men managed to attract actors who have either won or been nominated for Oscars. Jude Law and Forest Whitaker play Remy and Jake, two childhood friends who grew up to work together as repo men for the Union. Jake feels nothing but heartless joy where his job is concerned but Remy is starting to become disenchanted with the daily grind of having to hack people up day in and day out mainly because his wife doesn't see the sheer awesomeness of it and wants him to transfer from repo to sales. After an on-the-job accident, Remy winds up needing a new heart and becomes a customer of the Union and his cold, money oriented boss played by Liev Schreiber who insists he makes payments just like everyone else. I don't know why. It happened while he was on the job. Don't they have workman's comp in the future? I guess not as Remy falls behind due to the fact that newfound sympathy makes doing his job impossible and from there, hilarity ensues and by that I mean he runs while people shoot at him. Unintentional hilarity really does ensue when Remy and his fellow runner/girlfriend played by Alice Braga make out while they cut each other open in an attempt to scan the serial numbers of their replacement parts to remove them from the Union's system.
The workman's comp thing wasn't the only question I had. Another big one is, "Why don't these people who know the repo men are coming start carrying guns?" You don't even see a real firearm until around 80 minutes into the movie. Or how about, "There's no such thing as civil rights groups who might protest the legalization of murder at the hands of corporations?"
And then there's the ending. Like I said, I saw it coming for about 90 minutes and was dreading it the whole time. It's my least favorite type of ending in my least favorite type of science fiction story and really knocks the movie out of the ballpark of mediocre and into the world of suck. If you must know what happens, mouse over the following block of white text.
At least two reference are made to one of the Union's new products, a neural net that can substitute the functions of a damaged brain. Jake even says that someone who has a head injury or a stroke can be hooked up to it and live the rest of their lives in a happy dream and when Jake said that I thought to myself, "PLOT POINT! PLOT POINT!" There comes a point where Remy is hit in the head and, as you find out at the end, Jake has the Union rig Remy up with a neural net and the rest of the movie takes place in Remy's head including the action scenes in which they take down the Union and the mega happy ending in which Remy, Jake and a bikini clad Alice Braga get to spend the rest of their lives on a tropical island.
Welcome back to those of you returning from spoiler world. You didn't really need to know all that to know that Repo Men isn't very good but I'm sure it helped.
Friday, March 26, 2010
The Age Old Question
I was reading THR.com today and saw yet another article about Avatar. Since Avatar came out, I have come to truly admire James Cameron and this article only increased that admiration. Not only did he basically help create new special effects and 3D technology but he made sure the movie would look good whether you saw it on a 3d Imax screen the size of a football field or in the 100 seat theater movies go to the week before they finally leave the multiplex.
Thinking about all this, I started to wonder. The guy spent years of his life making this movie. He pushed for the huge budget that risked not only his professional standing and reputation but the financial stability of the studio backing him. I'm not sure how he feels about "the little people" but I'll assume he's not a sociopath and at least has some regard for the people who would have lost their jobs if this thing had flopped. So, he took all that risk, expended all that time and effort and stood tall against the people who said it couldn't be done. Here's what all that makes me wonder and I say this as someone who saw Avatar twice and enjoyed it each time.
Why the hell would you do all this for a plot that basically a mishmash of Dances With Wolves and some 50s science fiction stories? Why would you go to unprecedented lengths for a story in which Kevin Costner's character is painted blue and plopped down on another planet? Why would you spend more money than had ever before spent to show us things that had never before been seen on screen and put those wonderful images into the service of a derivative plot? What not make a story and bold, innovative and original as the processes used to create the film's sights and sounds?
Oh well, this summer we have movies like Prince of Persia, The A-Team and Twilight 3 to look forward to. I'm sure Hollywood's saving all its fresh and original ideas for those.
The version requirements were uniquely daunting for "Avatar," as the technically savvy Cameron entered uncharted territory to create the highest presentation quality possible.Say what you want about Cameron but that's a filmmaker right there. He worked his ass off for years so schlubs like you and I could have fun for a few hours. Avatar is simply an amazing experience and I haven't even seen it in 3D. Directors usually get a disproportionate amount of the credit for the success or failure of a movie but really no one can doubt that the lion's share of the credit must go to James Cameron. His ex-wives talk about how his marriages have fallen apart because of his dedication to the craft of movie making.
"No studio has ever faced what we faced on this," says Ted Gagliano, president of postproduction at Fox. "Jim wanted the best, most immersive experience possible. So he pushed us to have a multiple-version inventory that would give each theater the best experience it could possibly deliver for that given theater."
Thinking about all this, I started to wonder. The guy spent years of his life making this movie. He pushed for the huge budget that risked not only his professional standing and reputation but the financial stability of the studio backing him. I'm not sure how he feels about "the little people" but I'll assume he's not a sociopath and at least has some regard for the people who would have lost their jobs if this thing had flopped. So, he took all that risk, expended all that time and effort and stood tall against the people who said it couldn't be done. Here's what all that makes me wonder and I say this as someone who saw Avatar twice and enjoyed it each time.
Why the hell would you do all this for a plot that basically a mishmash of Dances With Wolves and some 50s science fiction stories? Why would you go to unprecedented lengths for a story in which Kevin Costner's character is painted blue and plopped down on another planet? Why would you spend more money than had ever before spent to show us things that had never before been seen on screen and put those wonderful images into the service of a derivative plot? What not make a story and bold, innovative and original as the processes used to create the film's sights and sounds?
Oh well, this summer we have movies like Prince of Persia, The A-Team and Twilight 3 to look forward to. I'm sure Hollywood's saving all its fresh and original ideas for those.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Look At My Briefs -- 3/25/10
As I skipped Wednesday again, I feel I owe you wonderful people something. Too bad all you're getting is what I do every Thursday, another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.
First it was Jane Austen characters fighting zombies. Now we're about to get Abraham Lincoln fighting vampires. I haven't read those books and obviously haven't seen the movies yet but it amazes me how little time it took the idea of inserting horror elements into old stories has itself gotten old.
Hot Tub Time Machine comes out tomorrow. It looks like it might be this year's answer to The Hangover. Reviews are good so far and it will almost surely be funny. However, I won't be happy unless the characters learn important lessons about friendship, tolerance, being young at heart and how important it is that you love your kids. That's the real appeal of broad comedies, right?
Regular readers know I'm a huge Doctor Who fan. Series 5 with the new Doctor Matt Smith premieres in the U.K. on April 4 and though we Americans won't get to see it until April 17. I assume the reason for this has something to do with that time we Yanks kicked them out of this country. Anyway, here's the trailer for the new Stephen Moffat produced (one of the best writers currently working in any medium) of Doctor Who.
Jaime Foxx is obviously tired of his mantle getting cluttered up with all those damn Oscars since he is now writing a big screen remake of Laverne and Shirley. Sadly, it will be directed by original L&S producer Garry Marshall, a fellow who's been responsible for such gaping holes of suck as Georgia Rule and the recent Valentine's Day. At least the lead roles will be played by Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel which means this could be the greatest movie ever if Foxx makes Laverne and Shirley lesbians.
Robert Culp died this week. What a shame. I loved that guy. The press mainly talks about I, Spy, the show he did with Bill Cosby back in the 60s. While it was a good show, for me Culp will always be Bill Maxwell, the hard edged FBI agent who balanced out William Katt's more breezy super-hero character from The Greatest American Hero. And so it goes.
Big Hollywood's John Nolte is a really weird guy. How weird? This little screed in which he defines racism as a phenomenon of liberal elites is only the second weirdest thing he's written this week. This week's #1 in the "Huh? Someone actually wrote that?" category is this post in which he obsesses over fake breasts. Specifically, the producers of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie placed an ad for actresses with real breasts. Nolte then quotes a NY Post story that claims the actresses will have to strip and bounce for the producers. If you read the article, though, the only source for that lurid tidbit is Nolte himself. The NY Post made an unfounded assertion and Nolte turned it into a real life porn film. Here's the only bit of factual evidence in any of this, the actual casting call posted on Moviehole.net. There's nothing there about bouncing or jogging in place. The so called "show and tell" that made Nolte freak wasn't about breasts, it was about costumes. What happened here was that Nolte started thinking about lovely young females with real breasts contorting their bodies for his pleasure, felt his penis grow to a mighty four inches and furiously typed out his post stating the way he felt was an example of liberal hypocrisy before engaging in 30 seconds of sadly pathetic masturbation after which he hit the PUBLISH button and apologized to Jesus for "accidentally" touching himself and telling the Savior that it was all the fault of liberal Hollywood.
Oh look everyone, the director of such classics as Death Race and Resident Evil is going to take a crack at Buck Rogers. Did you hear me squeal with delight just then? That's because I didn't. Oh well, as always I cross my fingers and hope this movie beats the odds though in this case I think I'll have to cross my whole body.
First it was Jane Austen characters fighting zombies. Now we're about to get Abraham Lincoln fighting vampires. I haven't read those books and obviously haven't seen the movies yet but it amazes me how little time it took the idea of inserting horror elements into old stories has itself gotten old.
Hot Tub Time Machine comes out tomorrow. It looks like it might be this year's answer to The Hangover. Reviews are good so far and it will almost surely be funny. However, I won't be happy unless the characters learn important lessons about friendship, tolerance, being young at heart and how important it is that you love your kids. That's the real appeal of broad comedies, right?
Regular readers know I'm a huge Doctor Who fan. Series 5 with the new Doctor Matt Smith premieres in the U.K. on April 4 and though we Americans won't get to see it until April 17. I assume the reason for this has something to do with that time we Yanks kicked them out of this country. Anyway, here's the trailer for the new Stephen Moffat produced (one of the best writers currently working in any medium) of Doctor Who.
Jaime Foxx is obviously tired of his mantle getting cluttered up with all those damn Oscars since he is now writing a big screen remake of Laverne and Shirley. Sadly, it will be directed by original L&S producer Garry Marshall, a fellow who's been responsible for such gaping holes of suck as Georgia Rule and the recent Valentine's Day. At least the lead roles will be played by Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel which means this could be the greatest movie ever if Foxx makes Laverne and Shirley lesbians.
Robert Culp died this week. What a shame. I loved that guy. The press mainly talks about I, Spy, the show he did with Bill Cosby back in the 60s. While it was a good show, for me Culp will always be Bill Maxwell, the hard edged FBI agent who balanced out William Katt's more breezy super-hero character from The Greatest American Hero. And so it goes.
Big Hollywood's John Nolte is a really weird guy. How weird? This little screed in which he defines racism as a phenomenon of liberal elites is only the second weirdest thing he's written this week. This week's #1 in the "Huh? Someone actually wrote that?" category is this post in which he obsesses over fake breasts. Specifically, the producers of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie placed an ad for actresses with real breasts. Nolte then quotes a NY Post story that claims the actresses will have to strip and bounce for the producers. If you read the article, though, the only source for that lurid tidbit is Nolte himself. The NY Post made an unfounded assertion and Nolte turned it into a real life porn film. Here's the only bit of factual evidence in any of this, the actual casting call posted on Moviehole.net. There's nothing there about bouncing or jogging in place. The so called "show and tell" that made Nolte freak wasn't about breasts, it was about costumes. What happened here was that Nolte started thinking about lovely young females with real breasts contorting their bodies for his pleasure, felt his penis grow to a mighty four inches and furiously typed out his post stating the way he felt was an example of liberal hypocrisy before engaging in 30 seconds of sadly pathetic masturbation after which he hit the PUBLISH button and apologized to Jesus for "accidentally" touching himself and telling the Savior that it was all the fault of liberal Hollywood.
Oh look everyone, the director of such classics as Death Race and Resident Evil is going to take a crack at Buck Rogers. Did you hear me squeal with delight just then? That's because I didn't. Oh well, as always I cross my fingers and hope this movie beats the odds though in this case I think I'll have to cross my whole body.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Full Moon
I reviewed New Moon when it came out back in November. It's not that I hated that movie but that I hated it in a really special way. I really don't understand the appeal of characters whose entire lives are spent in either life threatening situations or crushing depression. The trailer for this summer's Eclipse looks like a continuation of this fine tradition which means I have between now and then to find new ways to make fun of Bella's mumbling, Edward's disinterested whisper and Jacob's pecs.
One thing I can tell you is that New Moon was much better on DVD. In fact, I absolutely loved it. Watching New Moon in the theater was a dark and sad experience but at home on my HD screen it was a wonder and a delight. New Moon viewed in the comfort of my home was a thing of wit, hope and imagination and it was all thanks to these guys.
Yeah, baby! Rifftrax! Some of you may remember Mystery Science Theater 3000, the television show that went off the air more than a decade ago. Opinion is split as to whether it was a great show or if it was the greatest show ever. MST3K was a show in which a guy named Joel (later replaced by a guy named Mike) and his two robots were supposedly being held prisoner in a satellite orbiting the Earth and, as part of an experiment, were forced to watch bad movies. The practical upside of this was that they would make hilarious jokes while the movie was playing and perform hilarious sketches when it wasn't. It went off the air, I assume, because they were a threat to The Man. Sadly, mainly due to various rights issues, you never see reruns playing on any network though many episodes are available on DVD. Thankfully, we also now have Rifftrax. This is the brainchild of former MST3K players Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. They make a separate audio track for movies that bypass any rights issues since they don't use a single bit of the movie's audio or video which means they can now make fun of any movie they want. And oh did they ever do it to New Moon.
Finally I got to hear out loud the insults I was thinking in my head while watching New Moon. Well, maybe not. If I had done the riffs they mostly would have consisted of, "This sucks," or, "Man, does this ever suck," or maybe, "Magic 8 Ball says THIS SUCKS!" (I'm proud of that one.) These guys, however, are professional comedy writers and so they make funny jokes about Bella's stammer and lack of expression, Edward's love of pauses and the general absurdity that is not only this film but the Twilight phenomenon in general.
New Moon and its predecessor, Twilight, are an excellent introduction to Rifftrax. Some have been better than others though I can't say I've heard a really bad one yet. Still, Eclipse is coming out soon. Who knows what that will do to their souls?
One thing I can tell you is that New Moon was much better on DVD. In fact, I absolutely loved it. Watching New Moon in the theater was a dark and sad experience but at home on my HD screen it was a wonder and a delight. New Moon viewed in the comfort of my home was a thing of wit, hope and imagination and it was all thanks to these guys.
Yeah, baby! Rifftrax! Some of you may remember Mystery Science Theater 3000, the television show that went off the air more than a decade ago. Opinion is split as to whether it was a great show or if it was the greatest show ever. MST3K was a show in which a guy named Joel (later replaced by a guy named Mike) and his two robots were supposedly being held prisoner in a satellite orbiting the Earth and, as part of an experiment, were forced to watch bad movies. The practical upside of this was that they would make hilarious jokes while the movie was playing and perform hilarious sketches when it wasn't. It went off the air, I assume, because they were a threat to The Man. Sadly, mainly due to various rights issues, you never see reruns playing on any network though many episodes are available on DVD. Thankfully, we also now have Rifftrax. This is the brainchild of former MST3K players Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. They make a separate audio track for movies that bypass any rights issues since they don't use a single bit of the movie's audio or video which means they can now make fun of any movie they want. And oh did they ever do it to New Moon.
Finally I got to hear out loud the insults I was thinking in my head while watching New Moon. Well, maybe not. If I had done the riffs they mostly would have consisted of, "This sucks," or, "Man, does this ever suck," or maybe, "Magic 8 Ball says THIS SUCKS!" (I'm proud of that one.) These guys, however, are professional comedy writers and so they make funny jokes about Bella's stammer and lack of expression, Edward's love of pauses and the general absurdity that is not only this film but the Twilight phenomenon in general.
New Moon and its predecessor, Twilight, are an excellent introduction to Rifftrax. Some have been better than others though I can't say I've heard a really bad one yet. Still, Eclipse is coming out soon. Who knows what that will do to their souls?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Stupid Or Boring? Why Not Both?
If you think all big budget studio films are stupid, boring, trite and inane and want that opinion reinforced, The Bounty Hunter is the movie for you.
Bounty Hunter is a bland, inoffensive and forgettable comedy from director Andy Tennant, the master of bland, inoffensive and forgettable comedies. Remember Hitch, Fool's Gold and Sweet Home Alabama? Of course you don't but they were all directed by Andy Tennant and now we have his magnum opus of dull, The Bounty Hunter.
The movie stars Jennifer Aniston as Nicole Hurley, a reporter who stumbles onto a police corruption story and jumps bail on an unrelated matter to investigate it. While writing this I tried to remember the last time Jennifer Aniston was in a movie I liked and all I could come up with was Rumor Has It, a mildly entertaining comedy about a woman who finds out her family was the real life inspiration for The Graduate. Her IMDB profile is like a graveyard where bad movies go to die. I was sadly reminded of such flops as Along Came Polly and The Break-Up, movies that did their very best not only to end Jen's career but also those of co-stars Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. Jennifer Aniston never says die though and now she's back with another lame comedy that could also sink the career of a famous male costar.
Not that Gerard Butler who plays her ex-husband Milo Boyd has huge bragging rights here. This will be the fourth bad movie he's made in the past nine months. The only saving grace is that this isn't as bad as his last attempt at romantic comedy The Ugly Truth.
I'm sure you all know the story from the ads and it will come as no surprise that the plot holds no surprises. Milo has been working as a bounty hunter for a bail bondsman since he split from Nicole and receives a pleasant and unexpected surprise when he's told to apprehend her after she skips out on her bail. Since they were married, he knows she'll be at a race track in New Jersey. We're then treated to the wonderfully comforting scene in which he picks her up, locks her in his trunk and drives off with her in full view of dozens of people that have no idea she's a fugitive and he's her bounty hunter. This must be a common site at New Jersey racetracks since no one thinks to pull out a phone and call the cops.
Anyway, hijinks happen which, predictably, causes hilarity to ensue and Milo and Nicole start forgetting why they got divorced. I mean they each literally said they couldn't remember. You'd think some of that would have stuck but no. Oh, don't worry, a Three's Company type misunderstanding occurs that keeps them from 69ing each other but it all gets resolved in the end. Oh yeah, some boring major police corruption thing is going on during all this crap too. Mix all that together and you have the perfect movie or at least that was the belief of the investors who were convinced to spend tens of millions of dollars on this garbage which elicited zero big laughs and maybe a half dozen mild chuckles throughout the entire film.
I'm sure all parties involved will redeem themselves in their next movie. Jennifer Aniston, for instance, is starring in another romantic comedy called The Switch (which I talked about on Thursday) and Andy Tennant will be directing a movie called Around The World In 80 Dates. I'm sure everyone's already laughing. As for Gerard Butler, he's disappointing everyone who loves his forays into rom-com by doing a film adaptation of Shakespeare's Coriolanus but don't worry. He's also going to star in Burns in which he plays a guy named Burns. I wonder if I can buy my ticket now.
Bounty Hunter is a bland, inoffensive and forgettable comedy from director Andy Tennant, the master of bland, inoffensive and forgettable comedies. Remember Hitch, Fool's Gold and Sweet Home Alabama? Of course you don't but they were all directed by Andy Tennant and now we have his magnum opus of dull, The Bounty Hunter.
The movie stars Jennifer Aniston as Nicole Hurley, a reporter who stumbles onto a police corruption story and jumps bail on an unrelated matter to investigate it. While writing this I tried to remember the last time Jennifer Aniston was in a movie I liked and all I could come up with was Rumor Has It, a mildly entertaining comedy about a woman who finds out her family was the real life inspiration for The Graduate. Her IMDB profile is like a graveyard where bad movies go to die. I was sadly reminded of such flops as Along Came Polly and The Break-Up, movies that did their very best not only to end Jen's career but also those of co-stars Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. Jennifer Aniston never says die though and now she's back with another lame comedy that could also sink the career of a famous male costar.
Not that Gerard Butler who plays her ex-husband Milo Boyd has huge bragging rights here. This will be the fourth bad movie he's made in the past nine months. The only saving grace is that this isn't as bad as his last attempt at romantic comedy The Ugly Truth.
I'm sure you all know the story from the ads and it will come as no surprise that the plot holds no surprises. Milo has been working as a bounty hunter for a bail bondsman since he split from Nicole and receives a pleasant and unexpected surprise when he's told to apprehend her after she skips out on her bail. Since they were married, he knows she'll be at a race track in New Jersey. We're then treated to the wonderfully comforting scene in which he picks her up, locks her in his trunk and drives off with her in full view of dozens of people that have no idea she's a fugitive and he's her bounty hunter. This must be a common site at New Jersey racetracks since no one thinks to pull out a phone and call the cops.
Anyway, hijinks happen which, predictably, causes hilarity to ensue and Milo and Nicole start forgetting why they got divorced. I mean they each literally said they couldn't remember. You'd think some of that would have stuck but no. Oh, don't worry, a Three's Company type misunderstanding occurs that keeps them from 69ing each other but it all gets resolved in the end. Oh yeah, some boring major police corruption thing is going on during all this crap too. Mix all that together and you have the perfect movie or at least that was the belief of the investors who were convinced to spend tens of millions of dollars on this garbage which elicited zero big laughs and maybe a half dozen mild chuckles throughout the entire film.
I'm sure all parties involved will redeem themselves in their next movie. Jennifer Aniston, for instance, is starring in another romantic comedy called The Switch (which I talked about on Thursday) and Andy Tennant will be directing a movie called Around The World In 80 Dates. I'm sure everyone's already laughing. As for Gerard Butler, he's disappointing everyone who loves his forays into rom-com by doing a film adaptation of Shakespeare's Coriolanus but don't worry. He's also going to star in Burns in which he plays a guy named Burns. I wonder if I can buy my ticket now.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Who's Next
Matt Smith starts his tenure as the titular character in Doctor Who next month replacing David Tennant. This is what I think my reactions will be.
Okay, maybe this won't be so bad. Let's just turn this on and see how this goes. (One minute in) Oh my God this SUCKS! You hear me? SSSSUUUCCCKKKSSSS!!!!! David Tennant was awesome. Could this new Doctor be any goofier looking? You can bet I'm going to put a stop to this crap right now. (dials phone number) Hello, Buckingham Palace? I'd like to speak to Queen Illsbeth about getting David Tennant back on Doctor Who. What? that's not her name? So what, how many freaking queens do you have there? Just put her on. What the hell do you mean, "Her Majesty is not available to take calls from the public"? You tell Queen Betty that my taxes pay her salary. Hmm? I'm an American, what does have to do with...hello? HELLO? Oh no you did not just hang up on me! (dials number again) Hello, Buckingham Palace? This is the guy you just hung up on and I just wanted to say FUCK YOU! (slams phone)
There, I feel better. Who the hell do I talk to now about Doctor Who? Don't they have some kind of Prime Minister over there or something? Let me look up that number and...there. (dials number) Hello, 10 Downing Street? I want to speak to someone about getting David Tennant back on Doctor Who so put Tony Blair on. He's not there? When's he going to be back? He's not PM anymore? Lady, I don't speak British. What the hell is a PM? Is that like when you people say loo instead of bathroom? Oh, Prime Minister, okay. When the hell did he stop being Prime Minister? That long ago? Don't take that tone with me. I suppose you know who America's President is. Huh? It's Barack Obama? He won? Woo hoo! I had no idea. YES WE CAN! Okay, just put whoever the hell is in charge over there on the phone and tell him my taxes pay his sal...hello? Jesus, what the hell is it with that country?
Oh well, nothing I can do about this now. May as well watch more of the show. (one hour later) Oh well, that didn't suck too badly, I guess. I'm never going to like this guy though.
(three years later) What? Matt Smith is leaving Doctor Who? No, it can't be, he was the best Doctor ever. I'm calling England.
Okay, maybe this won't be so bad. Let's just turn this on and see how this goes. (One minute in) Oh my God this SUCKS! You hear me? SSSSUUUCCCKKKSSSS!!!!! David Tennant was awesome. Could this new Doctor be any goofier looking? You can bet I'm going to put a stop to this crap right now. (dials phone number) Hello, Buckingham Palace? I'd like to speak to Queen Illsbeth about getting David Tennant back on Doctor Who. What? that's not her name? So what, how many freaking queens do you have there? Just put her on. What the hell do you mean, "Her Majesty is not available to take calls from the public"? You tell Queen Betty that my taxes pay her salary. Hmm? I'm an American, what does have to do with...hello? HELLO? Oh no you did not just hang up on me! (dials number again) Hello, Buckingham Palace? This is the guy you just hung up on and I just wanted to say FUCK YOU! (slams phone)
There, I feel better. Who the hell do I talk to now about Doctor Who? Don't they have some kind of Prime Minister over there or something? Let me look up that number and...there. (dials number) Hello, 10 Downing Street? I want to speak to someone about getting David Tennant back on Doctor Who so put Tony Blair on. He's not there? When's he going to be back? He's not PM anymore? Lady, I don't speak British. What the hell is a PM? Is that like when you people say loo instead of bathroom? Oh, Prime Minister, okay. When the hell did he stop being Prime Minister? That long ago? Don't take that tone with me. I suppose you know who America's President is. Huh? It's Barack Obama? He won? Woo hoo! I had no idea. YES WE CAN! Okay, just put whoever the hell is in charge over there on the phone and tell him my taxes pay his sal...hello? Jesus, what the hell is it with that country?
Oh well, nothing I can do about this now. May as well watch more of the show. (one hour later) Oh well, that didn't suck too badly, I guess. I'm never going to like this guy though.
(three years later) What? Matt Smith is leaving Doctor Who? No, it can't be, he was the best Doctor ever. I'm calling England.
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