Friday, March 19, 2010

Who's Next

Matt Smith starts his tenure as the titular character in Doctor Who next month replacing David Tennant. This is what I think my reactions will be.

Okay, maybe this won't be so bad. Let's just turn this on and see how this goes. (One minute in) Oh my God this SUCKS! You hear me? SSSSUUUCCCKKKSSSS!!!!! David Tennant was awesome. Could this new Doctor be any goofier looking? You can bet I'm going to put a stop to this crap right now. (dials phone number) Hello, Buckingham Palace? I'd like to speak to Queen Illsbeth about getting David Tennant back on Doctor Who. What? that's not her name? So what, how many freaking queens do you have there? Just put her on. What the hell do you mean, "Her Majesty is not available to take calls from the public"? You tell Queen Betty that my taxes pay her salary. Hmm? I'm an American, what does have to do with...hello? HELLO? Oh no you did not just hang up on me! (dials number again) Hello, Buckingham Palace? This is the guy you just hung up on and I just wanted to say FUCK YOU! (slams phone)

There, I feel better. Who the hell do I talk to now about Doctor Who? Don't they have some kind of Prime Minister over there or something? Let me look up that number and...there. (dials number) Hello, 10 Downing Street? I want to speak to someone about getting David Tennant back on Doctor Who so put Tony Blair on. He's not there? When's he going to be back? He's not PM anymore? Lady, I don't speak British. What the hell is a PM? Is that like when you people say loo instead of bathroom? Oh, Prime Minister, okay. When the hell did he stop being Prime Minister? That long ago? Don't take that tone with me. I suppose you know who America's President is. Huh? It's Barack Obama? He won? Woo hoo! I had no idea. YES WE CAN! Okay, just put whoever the hell is in charge over there on the phone and tell him my taxes pay his sal...hello? Jesus, what the hell is it with that country?

Oh well, nothing I can do about this now. May as well watch more of the show. (one hour later) Oh well, that didn't suck too badly, I guess. I'm never going to like this guy though.

(three years later) What? Matt Smith is leaving Doctor Who? No, it can't be, he was the best Doctor ever. I'm calling England.

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