Thursday, March 25, 2010

Look At My Briefs -- 3/25/10

As I skipped Wednesday again, I feel I owe you wonderful people something. Too bad all you're getting is what I do every Thursday, another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

First it was Jane Austen characters fighting zombies. Now we're about to get Abraham Lincoln fighting vampires. I haven't read those books and obviously haven't seen the movies yet but it amazes me how little time it took the idea of inserting horror elements into old stories has itself gotten old.

Hot Tub Time Machine comes out tomorrow. It looks like it might be this year's answer to The Hangover. Reviews are good so far and it will almost surely be funny. However, I won't be happy unless the characters learn important lessons about friendship, tolerance, being young at heart and how important it is that you love your kids. That's the real appeal of broad comedies, right?

Regular readers know I'm a huge Doctor Who fan. Series 5 with the new Doctor Matt Smith premieres in the U.K. on April 4 and though we Americans won't get to see it until April 17. I assume the reason for this has something to do with that time we Yanks kicked them out of this country. Anyway, here's the trailer for the new Stephen Moffat produced (one of the best writers currently working in any medium) of Doctor Who.

Jaime Foxx is obviously tired of his mantle getting cluttered up with all those damn Oscars since he is now writing a big screen remake of Laverne and Shirley. Sadly, it will be directed by original L&S producer Garry Marshall, a fellow who's been responsible for such gaping holes of suck as Georgia Rule and the recent Valentine's Day. At least the lead roles will be played by Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel which means this could be the greatest movie ever if Foxx makes Laverne and Shirley lesbians.

Robert Culp died this week. What a shame. I loved that guy. The press mainly talks about I, Spy, the show he did with Bill Cosby back in the 60s. While it was a good show, for me Culp will always be Bill Maxwell, the hard edged FBI agent who balanced out William Katt's more breezy super-hero character from The Greatest American Hero. And so it goes.

Big Hollywood's John Nolte is a really weird guy. How weird? This little screed in which he defines racism as a phenomenon of liberal elites is only the second weirdest thing he's written this week. This week's #1 in the "Huh? Someone actually wrote that?" category is this post in which he obsesses over fake breasts. Specifically, the producers of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie placed an ad for actresses with real breasts. Nolte then quotes a NY Post story that claims the actresses will have to strip and bounce for the producers. If you read the article, though, the only source for that lurid tidbit is Nolte himself. The NY Post made an unfounded assertion and Nolte turned it into a real life porn film. Here's the only bit of factual evidence in any of this, the actual casting call posted on There's nothing there about bouncing or jogging in place. The so called "show and tell" that made Nolte freak wasn't about breasts, it was about costumes. What happened here was that Nolte started thinking about lovely young females with real breasts contorting their bodies for his pleasure, felt his penis grow to a mighty four inches and furiously typed out his post stating the way he felt was an example of liberal hypocrisy before engaging in 30 seconds of sadly pathetic masturbation after which he hit the PUBLISH button and apologized to Jesus for "accidentally" touching himself and telling the Savior that it was all the fault of liberal Hollywood.

Oh look everyone, the director of such classics as Death Race and Resident Evil is going to take a crack at Buck Rogers. Did you hear me squeal with delight just then? That's because I didn't. Oh well, as always I cross my fingers and hope this movie beats the odds though in this case I think I'll have to cross my whole body.


Michael Clear said...

I see the blog Lawyers, Gun and Money said something similar about Nolte a couple days ago but their post was significantly lacking in masturbation jokes so I win the internet.

Dan Coyle said...

Michael: Yes, yes you do.

You forgot to note that Buck Rogers will also be in 3D. Wheeeeeee.

I'm facebook friends with Flint Dille, the current rights holder to BR (he's the heir of the newspaper chain that originally published the strip). Dille has been asking questions like, "So, do you want Twiki in the film, or dying in the film?"

Fun fact: Dille was pitching his good friend and sometime co-writer Frank Miller as the director before the Spirit came out.

Then The Spirit came out.