I live in a smallish town. Oh, it's not Mayberry or anything like that, but when you combine the main city with a few of the surrounding villages you get maybe 30,000 people. This means my local multiplex only has seven screens. They were talking about expanding last year but since we're now all just one economic level above drinking our own urine, that's been pretty much put on hold. This means that, sure, I'll get Fast and Furious and Haunting in Connecticut. Oh, how did I forget to mention Hannah Montana? That's right, I'm not twelve and female which means you'll probably never see a review of it here. Frankly, I'd be scared to see it. What if I liked it and became a huge Hannah Montana fan? I'd casually mention H.M. trivia and no one would know what I was talking about or, if they did, it would be assumed I was some sort of sexual predator.
This means all I do miss even some major releases. Last week, I didn't get Adventureland and this week I don't get Dragonball: Evolution. Missing that second one brought a tear to my eye because man oh man, could I ever have ripped that apart. That review would have been fun. I could have said, "Dragonball: Evolution? More like Dragonball: Neverlution." Um, I'm sure I would have been cleverer than that. Oh sure, I could drive an hour or so down to Albany, NY, and watch them there but who has time? If you say, "Oh, I have loads of spare time," screw you.
I miss loads of smaller and independent movies and you can pretty much forget foreign films. That's why you generally only see major releases reviewed here. The last example I can think of was the time I saw Let The Right One In, one of last year's better movies. I'm often tantalized my titles like Sunshine or Little Miss Sunshine or Sunshine Cleaning or...hmm, note to self, develop new independent film Sunshine Boobs. It will get both indie film fans and porn buffs. Where was I? Oh yeah, it also means I have to read about movies like this.
Anvil! The Story of Anvil is the Promised Land to my Moses. I can see it but it's maddeningly out of reach. This is my kind of movie. It looks like they actually pulled off something that can accurately be described as "cool, funny and quirky", terms that, when normally strung together, mean, "The filmmakers were all high and thought what they were doing was cool, funny and quirky." Hell, I don't think it's even showing in Albany. Sure, we'll get some movie where Vin Diesel does the same shit he did in another movie 8 years ago and some dumb little thing where a girl puts on a blond wig and makes even her best friends think she's not the world's biggest pop star but can I get even one vaguely intelligent indie film. Nope, can't get those anymore than I can get White Castles or decent looking hookers, something else I love that I have to and have to get in Albany.
So this is a special holiday thank you to my local Regal Cinema. Thank you oh so very much for making damn sure I got Bride Wars, Haunting In Connecticut and every god damn Saw film while skipping movies like Anvil! as well as Doubt and Frost/Nixon. Hell, they didn't even get Slumdog Millionaire until it got nominated for the Oscar. Anyway, I suppose I'll mention this movie again when it comes out on DVD.
Oh well, maybe I will catch Hannah Montana this weekend. So no one will recognize me, I'll wear dark glasses and a trench coat. I'll even bring some candy along and hand it out to all the little kids I don't even know. I'm sure their parents will think I'm the greatest guy ever.
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