LOST Spoilers

Well, here we are. It's been six long, uneven years of Lost. Despite, as I said, the show's uneven quality, Lost stands of one of television's finest accomplishments and its makers should be very proud indeed. This Sunday's two hour finale will finally give us at least some of the answers we've been looking for. But hey, why wait till Sunday when you can have the whole thing spoiled for you on the internet? I must warn you not to ready any further if you don't want spoilers...oops, sorry, I should have said that earlier. It's too late to back out now. Read on.

1. A third timeline is revealed in which Hurley is in great shape and Jack is the fat one. Also, the Smoke Monster is made of cotton candy and is reported to be yummy.
2. We finally discover what happened to all that ranch dressing Hurley was hoarding. Turns out it also got tossed down that light cave and is now Smoke Ranch Dressing.
3. The Smoke Monster is about to kill all the surviving cast members until they reduce him to tears with their touching rendition of "I Dreamed A Dream."
4. Hurley's lottery numbers are revealed to be rolls that J.J. Abrams once threw that allowed him to solo kill the Tarrasque in the most awesome Dungeons and Dragons game ever.
5. Jacob reveals that the secret of the island is a killer recipe for slow cooked ribs. The secret? Celery salt. So simple, really.
6. You don't find out the Smoke Monster's real name, the nature of the parallel realities, if the world is saved or if anyone even gets off the island. You do find out where Nicky and Paolo hid their porn before they died so it's six years well spent.
7. They're in Hell. Yeah, the creators always said they weren't in Hell. Turns out the creators were just annoyed that anyone figured it out.

And that's it. I have now saved you all the trouble of watching Lost this weekend. You can now spend your Sunday watching Iron Chef. You're welcome.