Thursday, May 27, 2010

Look At My Briefs -- 5/27/10

This is the last Thursday of the month and I can't think of a better way to celebrate than with another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

This week I've seen four final episodes of television series. Of those four, only Law & Order didn't have a downbeat ending. Lost, 24 and and a third show I won't name because it hasn't shown in the U.S. yet all had final episodes whose goal seemed to be to get about 50% of their fans to commit suicide and follow the series into the television afterlife. Things worked out fairly well on Law & Order but they didn't know it was going to be their final episode. If they had, the characters could have all been violently gang raped and Jack McCoy could have been shot in the face. I shudder when I think of the bloodbath that awaits all the characters of New Adventures of Old Christine in their final episode.

Hey folks, did you absolutely love Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans? If you did, go fuck yourself. Seriously, stop reading right now, find the largest and most uncomfortable looking object you find and fuck yourself in the ass with it right now. Those are some of the stupidest and most unwatchable "comedies" ever made and they only got made because jackholes like you, the ones who loved them, went to see them again and again. If you fall into that category, you will welcome the news that a Twilight spoof being made by the same people who made those other three films is coming out in August. I'm looking forward to the scene where Paris Hilton shows up at a vampire baseball game and says, "That's hot," before being hit in the face by a baseball. I hope those of you who love these movies didn't read that and laugh so hard you passed out.

I haven't read it but I understand that Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was a clever, original and entertaining book. Sadly, it has spawned uncounted ripoffs, the latest one being Paul Is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion. It also is a sad fact that most of them are being made into movies which means that this may be the first time in history that a standard movie concept has gotten old before a single film using that concept has been released.

The lame Tim Burton directed Alice In Wonderland is about to gross 1 billion dollars. I hate to see this as another piece of evidence that jaded movie audiences will go see any old piece of crap and instead will work under the assumption that all the tickets were purchased by Tim Burton's mom.

Tomorrow is Prince of Persia day. Hopefully all the teenage boys who would normally be inclined to see that didn't blow this week's movie money on Sex and the City 2 which comes out one day earlier. Sex and the City 2, incidentally, is currently hovering around 12% on the Tomatometer but that could be because all but 12% of film critics are total Mirandas.

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