Friday, December 10, 2010

2011 Wish List

These are things I'd like to see happen to the movie industry in 2011.
  • Bring back old ladies who rap -- There are so many great scenes of rapping grannies in movies that I'm hard pressed to name a single one. I'm sure we all have our favorite, though.

  • Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo 3 -- Who among us wouldn't cheer as loudly as we could at the news that the ineffable Rob Schneider was returning to the role that spoke to and defined an entire generation. I think we can all agree that it's been too long since we've heard the term "manwhore" and that society as a whole has suffered because of that.

  • 3D -- Can't we be honest and just admit that every movie would be better in 3D? If The King's Speech had been in 3D, imagine how much better the actual speech would have sounded.

  • Reimaginings -- The modern film industry is doing its very best to make sure that every movie ever made will be remade but tehy're not moving fast enough. Why have we not yet seen remake of Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man for example? I just mentioned Rob Schneider. That project would be absolutely perfect for him and Zac Efron. The last Harry Potter movie is coming out this summer which means next winter would be a perfect time to start the whole series over and again, this would be a perfect vehicle for Zac Efron as Harry and Rob Schneider as Ron.

  • Zombies -- As I look through lists of upcoming films, I see there are still movies coming out that don't have zombies in them. Is anyone going to seriously argue with me that Inception, Tangled and Hannah Montana: The Movie* wouldn't have been better had they been gory, violent zombie flicks?

  • Michael Bay -- I think it's a given that every movie would be better if Michael Bay directed it. At the very least he or, more properly, He should be involved in every movie made even if he's just listed in the credits as "Guy Holding Hotdog". Also, every movie should cut to a new scene every four seconds and have at least one huge explosion. This applies to every movie from the new Narnia film to Precious.

  • Roland Emmerich -- See Michael Bay.

  • CGI -- Computer graphics are used in almost every major studio release but even that isn't enough for my tastes. I think we should completely do away with actors altogether and have everyone in movies be computer animated. Then we could see the same perfect faces in every movie. People would end up wanting to copy that look and everyone would look like they were made out of plastic and life would be a paradise. (I'm not the only who has a fetish for plastic, right?)
*That one's not a joke.

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