Can't think of a joke but do you really need a joke when you have an entire article stuffed full of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.
Once again I have been passed over as Time Magazine's Person of the Year. The bad thing about this contest is that it's biased against people like me who have done nothing with their lives.
A remake of Firestarter? Sure, why not. Firestarter was a mediocre movie and that's the kind of movie that should be remade as opposed to shot-by-shot remakes of Psycho or taking the wonderful Day The Earth Stood Still and changing it into something dark, dumb and incoherent.
Yet another sequel to The Fast and the Furious? Sure, why not. I say that because it's already been made and, if it wasn't, I wouldn't have the power to stop it. Also, for some reason, whenever I see Paul Walker on screen I always imagine him saying, "Yo, who's a guy gotta blow to get a Fluffernutter around here?" so maybe the theater will be empty and I'll finally be able to say that out loud. At this point, I once again want to say that we're getting another Fast and Furious sequel yet Alfred Bester's The Demolished Man hasn't been adapted for cinema even once. Yes, I know the odds are that they'll screw it up but I'd still like to see one of my favorite books on the big screen.
Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are no more? This is good news for me. Yeah yeah, I'm sure you're thinking a guy like me has no chance with Scarlett Johannson but I've been developing an intricate plan to win her ever since I heard that her marriage had ended. Unfortunately, the first step involves her car breaking down outside my house while her cell phone simultaneously fails and she has to come in to my place to call a tow truck. Should that ever happen, though, I'll suggest she unload all her problems onto my sympathetic ears while we share a box of wine then I'll suggest we watch some DVDs in my bedroom but, of course, there is no DVD player in my bedroom so how will we possibly pass the time now? I don't see how this could NOT lead to sex.
I don't like to go around saying I was right but, well, actually I like very much going around saying I was right. In this case, I was right last month when I said that Jessica Alba was, in fact, misquoted when she supposedly said that, "Good actors never use a script." She's pointed out to the world the obvious fact that she doesn't think writers are useless. Sadly, I was the only one who thought that and some people made fools of themselves by unleashing righteous indignation her way, most notably screenwriter John August. This is, ultimately, a minor story and I'm only bringing it up again so I can say loudly and freely that I WAS RIGHT. This will make up for the next time I am wrong.
If this headline is true, next year's Best Picture Oscar will go to Blowing A Guy In The Wind starring Wanda Wetz.
Director Joe Carnahan now says he knew how he blew it with his most recent film The A-Team. Yeah, I know too. He blew it when he said, "Do I think it's a good idea to make a movie out of The A-Team and do I want to direct it? Hell yes!" Check with me next time, Joe. I would have been more than happy to tell you this.
And, to close things out, all I know about this movie is that it looks incredible and I can't wait to see it. If it turns out that it sucks, don't tell me. Let me find out for myself.