Thursday, December 2, 2010

Look At My Briefs -- 12/2/10

The hectic Christmas season has begun. We're all so stressed out that we can't remember if stockings are to be hung on the fireplace mantle or mixed in with the ginger bread cookies. Fortunately, there is one surefire method to relieve all that stress and that is another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

We all think he's cuuuuuuuuuuuuute. I only realize now as an adult what huge mega-watt assholes Santa and the other reindeer were.

Bono and I have something in common. If I wrote a Spider-Man musical, it would also be an unwatchable money loser. The producers of this show forgot that with the great power to make a musical comes the great responsibility to make it good. I never did see how they would make Spider-Man work on the stage and it looks like I was right. Too bad although at least now we won't be getting any Wolverine or Black Lightning musicals.

This headline was ripped from the cover of this month's No Shit, Sherlock Magazine. I don't know who exactly was demanding to see Anne Hathaway and James Franco co-host the Oscars but I'm not going to instantly write them off. I did that when I heard that Hugh Jackman would be hosting and he turned in a great show.

The more I hear about Cowboys and Aliens the more excited I get about it. This probably means that my expectations for it will build to levels so unrealistic that no movie could possibly meet them and I'll declare that the movie sucks even if it's on a Citizen Kane level of quality. Or maybe it will be absolutely horrible and will suck for that reason.

Anyone who ever saw Texasville will not be excited by the prospect of another sequel to The Last Picture Show. True story: someone I know worked on Texasville. He even got his parents jobs as extras in the movie. They still have the picture on their mantle of them with Jeff Bridges. He told me how director Peter Bogdonavich would change whole scenes and schedules without consulting people like the line producer or art director at the last minute for often trivial reasons. When I asked him why Bogdonavich did this, this person said, "Because that's what people who are stoned all the time do." Oh, good luck on the new film, Peter.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who follows what he says that Glenn Beck's memories and perceptions of It's A Wonderful Life are complete fantasy. He wanted the movie to be a paean to modern conservative ideas so he made up a government conspiracy and made Mr. Potter into a liberal to do it. If George Bailey was a conservative, he would have left Bedford Falls like he dreamt of doing and made a fortune while living an adventurous life instead of living his whole life in Bedford Falls and turning his Building and Loan into an instrument for the common good. Not much more to add except that Glenn Beck was paid a fortune to lie whereas I got paid nothing to tell the truth, definitely proof that there is a God.

People have been wondering how some of the more unsavory aspects of Twilight: Breaking Dawn could possibly be filmed without disgusting the audience and earning at the very least an R rating. The answer seems to be that any sort of faithful filming of the book will be tossed out the window in favor of an extremely sanitized treatment. The first piece of evidence of this is a photo released this week of the aftermath of Edward and Bella's first time having sex. In the photo, Bella's arm looks fine. In the book, Edward had beaten Bella unconscious. Oh, he didn't mean to, mind you. And Bella loved it too, even if her injuries did cause partial memory loss. Thus, Stephanie Meyer and all her fans managed to retain plausible deniability against accusations of the glorification of domestic abuse. This is just one of the many reasons that I hate the Twilight series.

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