Friday, March 4, 2011


I tried to be nice, Charlie Sheen. I really did. Yesterday, I only said "Fuck you" to you once and trust me, that was me being nice, but you still insist on acting like an ass and, as a result, clogging up my various newsfeeds. The way I see it, I have two options and I really don't want to suicide bomb you so we'll go with option #2. I will now take one of your crap movies, those being "Everything since Wall Street," and make it the subject of one of my merciless Liveblogs. Sadly, the first two movies I thought of, Major League and Young Guns, weren't available on Netflix Instant. I like to do this with movies I haven't seen before anyway and, luckily, you've made plenty of movies that no one has seen. Movies like 1994's The Chase, a movie that will now be seen for the first time since Charlie dragged his mom to the theater and cried until she told him it was better than The Godfather.

The producers thought people would see this if they thought Charlie perished in flames.

0:06:30 -- And so, it begins. Here we are, not even 10 minutes into this and I've already had my intelligence insulted on several different levels. Our old pal, Dumbfuck Chuck, is playing a guy on the run. Why? We don't know yet but I can't believe it matters. Sadly, his Crimemobile is an 89 Volkswagen Rabbit, the car he's driving as he pulls into a very pleasant looking suburban self serve station/convenience store run by a clerk, whose name I suspect is Jethro McStupid due to the fact that he can't successfully open a roll of nickels. The only other customer is a pretty, sharply dressed blond played by Kristy Swanson, an actress best known to me for Flowers In The Attic in which she had sex with her brother which would still be a step up from doing it with Charlie Sheen. Two cops walk in and Jethro's fumbling gives them plenty of time to receive a call about a stolen 89 Volkswagen Rabbit but Chuckels manages to hold them off when he takes the girl hostage by holding a Butterfinger candy bar to her back and telling her it's a gun. This, by the way, has to be the worst product placement since the scene in Dolores Claiborne that showed Gary Sinise playing an incestuous wife beater who was clearly drinking a Coke. Not only do the police not draw their guns but they actually let the Winner take their guns so they've violated approximately 815 rules of how they're supposed to behave in a situation like this. He then loads the terrified girl into her own BMW and they drive away so yeah, this is gonna be fun fun fun in the California Sun.

This is the first time Charlie Sheen has had a hot blond open her mouth like this without having to pay her.

0:16:30 -- I think I've done a dozen of these and this is the first time I've seriously considered just giving up. It's hardly the worst movie I've done. That would be Howling 3. Thing is that Howling 3 was bad on an epic and interesting level. This movie is just dull. Since I last checked in, Charlie's been practicing for the role he would someday have in the unfunny Two and a Half Men by not making me laugh even when his crotch catches fire. That happened when he nervously tried to light a cigarette and the girl ended up burning him with the cigarette lighter which then landed in his lap. I must admit that Charlie did very well as a guy who can't get by without some sort of chemical stimulation who also has a burning sensation in his groin so well done on the research, Charlie. A police car with a camera crew from a COPS-style show riding along has joined the pursuit. Rocker Henry Rollins is the cop driving and I'd be a liar if I said that Henry didn't have a low self opinion of himself after doing this movie. We also found out that the girl is named Natalie and that her father is obscenely wealthy. We also saw her puke which is the classiest thing this movie has done so far.

Kristy Swanson did a good job here of perfectly summing up the feelings of the audience at this moment.

0:30:00 -- We finally know that Charlie's character is Jack Hammond, a convicted bank robber who escaped prison (who claims to be innocent) and wound up in this movie. I was finally entertained when, during the high speed chase, a freezer truck from a medical school swerved and started dumping cadavers all over the place though the entertainment value came more from the stupidity and filmmaking incompetence than any sort of intended humor. Actual Charlie Sheen dialogue: "I'm a nice guy when I'm not waving a gun in someone's face." That, I'm willing to bet, is something he has said in real life.

How Charlie Sheen will look when the only job he can get is in porn.

1:00:00 -- How quickly time goes by when nothing is happening. Well, it's not "nothing" so much as it's the same thing over and over again. The movie now cuts back and forth between various groups who are mostly sitting around and spouting innocuous dialogue. I can't tell you how surprised I am that Jack and Natalie are bonding during their hostage situation especially after Jack defends Natalie against her rich A-hole father who took the time to berate her over a new fangled piece of 1994 technology called a car phone. The few interesting moments have come from some surprise cameos, most notably from Red Hot Chili Peppers band members Anthony Kiedis and Flea as a mismatched pair of vigilantes. Seriously, why they were together I don't know because Kiedis looks like the kind of guy who's wear a Che Guevara t-shirt who should be holing a sign that says "Legalize It" while Flea is dressed like a guy who married his cousin who should be holding a sign denouncing our Kenyan President and his death panels. Ron Jeremy showed up too as a cameraman and, well, that's about it. Hopefully, I can just let the movie's last half hour drift by and wrap this crap up.

Is he snorting his own finger? Wow, he really does get high on Charlie Sheen.

1:28:00 -- Somehow, the authorities managed to deduced from the fact that he was heading south on a California highway that he might be going to Mexico and they came up with an equally brilliant plan to set up a blockade at the border. Natalie, meanwhile, has decided that she never had it as good as she has with this jailbound loser who kidnapped her at gunpoint and becomes one of his goddesses when she has sex with him while he's driving. Hell, I can't even text while driving yet Sheen gets to do this? After they're done, they come upon the border, see the blockade and start backing up, something no one at any level of California's extensive law enforcement system anticipated. They also didn't anticipate him just going around the blockade and across the border because that's what he does. They follow him and Jack decides to surrender for Natalie's sake. The director teases us with a fantasy sequence of Jack getting gunned down but then decides not to give the audience what they want and instead gives us the "real" ending of Natalie taking Jack's gun, hijacking a helicopter and flying off to freedom and a super fun life of being a fugitive with Jack. Seriously, the last time you see them is at some luxurious resort leading comfortable lives which makes me think I ought to rob a bank and kidnap a sexy girl as I see no downside. Another thing that has no downside is that this is the end of the movie. Some may think that having to suffer through this film was a horrible experience but, now that's it's over, I don't call it horrible. I call it...Winning!

Looks like their car sex was so great they got assumed into Heaven, either that or they're still on the highway and Charlie's drugs kicked in bigtime.

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