Thursday, March 17, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 3/17/11

Happy St. Patrick's Day. In honor of this least holy of days, I have written a special edition of Look At My Briefs designed to be read while drunk. Please get as drunk as you can before reading this. I'll wait. Done? Cool.

It's a shame that Fox has decided to postpone the premiere of Terra Nova. I want it to start up now, and by that I mean this very second. I want to turn on my local Fox affiliate and see it playing. The sooner it premieres, the sooner I can make fun of it before it's mercifully canceled. I've mentioned this before but I am simply assuming Terra Nova is going to suck. In fact, let's not call it an assumption. It's really an educated guess. When you click the link and see the names of the executive producers, the name Brannon Braga will jump out at you if you are at all familiar with it. Brannon Braga is best known for making the last two Star Trek shows, Voyager and Enterpirse, staggeringly mediocre viewing experiences that were mostly mixtures of melodrama mized with dialogue like, "Let's vent cronoton particles through the warp plasma converters and shunt it through the main deflector dish." Since then, he's made a few crap series like Threshold (which also has the same name of one of the worst Voyager epsiodes, also written by Braga) and Flash Forward, neither of which went more than a year. So bring it on, Fox. But Braga, and us, out of our misery.

This may as well have said, "Mike Clear, Don't Bother Reading This." Still, it does mean I don't have to see commercials of a shirtless chunkhead and various hot women crying and professing their eternal love till next year. Between now and then, I will forget that The Bachelor even exists and will be annoyed when they remind me it's back. And so it goes.

OK, no one leaves this room until you tell me which of you was demanding a reunion of the original American Pie cast for another movie. Those movies aren't bad, mind you, and I liked the way the third movie wrapped the whole story up. My main objection to a new one is...I liked the way the third movie wrapped the story up. Oh well, looks like a done deal. I wonder what Jason Biggs will stick his dick into this time. Probably an animal.

Saying, "Richard Linklater will direct a remake of The Incredible Mr. Limpet," reminds of that old, "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things does not belong," game. Also, you all do know that Mr. Limpet was a man who had sex with a fish, right? Sure, he had turned into a fish but he started off human. I can't see me suddenly wanting to pork a mackerel even if I was a mackerel myself. And yes, Limpet and Ladyfish did it. It wasn't onscreen but what do you think they were going to do when they swam off together at the end? It's not like there's an alternative to sex in the ocean. On land, you can join play World of Warcraft or join a Star Trek club but those options don't exist for fish. Seriously, who's the sick fuck who thought all this up?

The right wing has once again decided that an apolitical film is actually a conservative screed and is labeling anyone who doesn't like it an un-American elitist. As usual, Big Hollywood's John Nolte is at the forefront of this debate and is upset over Roger Ebert's negative review of the movie and the fact that the existence of that review now makes it impossible for him to achieve any kind of totally hetero boner while thinking of Battle: Los Angeles. Nolte's point is that lots and lots of people saw Battle: LA and how could they all be wrong? This must mean Nolte must have absolutely loved Avatar, the top grossing movie of all time, but no, he didn't. the difference between him and Ebert is that Ebert wrote his review after he saw while Nolte wrote the first of many trashings of Avatar six months before it was even released. I should leave Nolte alone though because he's going to be very upset when he hears the news about another right wing fetish film, the Red Dawn remake.

Hey, remember that movie with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher? You know, they played a couple who decided to keep their relationship strictly about sex even though they were obviously crazy about each other? Do you remember it because I honestly can't remember the title. I could look it up but I think it's probably a good thing that I can't remember it. Anyway, if you missed it when it was out earlier this year, you can catch basically the same movie when it comes out in July.

This is the best comment I've heard so far about the upcoming Arthur remake with Russell Brand.


Anonymous said...

Apparently at a press tour, when asked about the dangers posed by the time travel premise of Terra Nova, Braga rolled his eyes and said, "Aw man, this is like being at a Star Trek convention". Hey, pally, these aren't geeks, these are journalists who are trying to tell people about your new show, and you can't even?

Dan Coyle said...

ER, the above comment was me.

Michael Clear said...

The show's not even out yet and he's asking the audience to be held to a low standard. Soon he'll say, "Hey, don't think so much. this is supposed to be fun."